Vile space gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich, erstwhile Terror of the Outer Rim Territories and disgraced Speaker of the House, has a job of sorts, if working for sad news-husk CNN counts as a job. Continue reading
santorum
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Vile space gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich hosted a campaign event on his luxurious orbiting pleasure barge, Infidelicus, for reptilian GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin. Akin, a widely despised man-lizard, has been something of a laughingstock since he revealed in an interview his total lack of knowledge about how human babies are made. Continue reading
Ricardo “Shoeless Dick” Santorum spoke at the GOP convention on Tuesday. He spent Monday night in the hobo camp near the convention center, drinking stolen Cigar City Jai-Lai Pale Ale and eating Cuban sandwiches and black beans salvaged from the dumpster behind the Columbia Restaurant. The one-time senator is very fond of beans. “Goddamn,” he told his fellow hobos. “Those are some damn good beans.” Continue reading
In a grimy rail yard outside Ybor City, a shoeless former senator hops off a freight car with practiced ease and makes his way through abandoned cigar factories to the grimy Interstate 4 overpass. “Screw you, Mitt Romney,” he mutters over and over again. “Screw you in the face.” It is his mantra now. At the bottle-strewn, urine soaked overpass, he is greeted by an honor guard of Florida hobos in soiled SANTORUM 2016 t-shirts who escort him to the hobo camp behind the convention center, where he is speaking on Tuesday night. Continue reading
Presidential campaigns, like syphilis, proceed in stages. You have the primaries, where a variety of dysfunctional clowns jostle with each other for the fickle favor of Iowa’s pig-men and New Hampshire’s maple miners, and march from state to state in a colorful pander-circus. Eventually, though, candidates start dropping out in various degrees of misery and humiliation, and one of the candidates rounds up enough pig-men and hill-folk and rodeo-clowns to secure the nomination. Then, you enter the next stage, where the ex-candidates, fetid in loser-stink, endorse the presumptive nominee with various degrees of faux-enthusiasm. Often, this involves some sort of half-assed speech in a hotel ball room, and some awkward hand-shaking between the endorsing loser and the smarmy winner. This is where we are now, with listless also-rans glumly pretending to rally around America’s least-beloved millionaire man-bot. Dick Santorum dropped out last month, and this past week he completed the failure-ritual by endorsing his former rival. Continue reading
Now that puritanical lady-womb advocate, Rick Santorum, threw his chips at the Casino dealer and left his candidacy for president, some are wondering what the hell they’ll do with Mitt Romney. Continue reading
Last time we talked, Willard Romney was squeaking out a win in Michigan, Rick Santorum was frothing at the mouth, Newt was complaining about something, and Ron Paul was freezing gold bars in his Frigidaire.
That was over a week ago, though. Tonight, tonight is the big one my friends. Super Tuesday! Polls in Ohio close at 7:30, and the dominos start falling from there. Ten states are up for grabs, and with Romney whittling away Ricky’s lead in Ohio in recent days, it certainly looks to be anyone’s guess who walks away from tonight the big winner. Continue reading
The Florida GOP primary may be a distant and not-too-grand memory for Rick Santorum, but an important and much more widely followed Florida event has attracted ol’ Ricky’s attention today. If you happen across Santorum’s name emblazoned across a perpetually left-turning vehicle on the television today, it’s not your hangover. That’s right, the sometimes-leader in the GOP presidential primary death-match has purchased a sponsorship of a car in today’s Daytona 500. Continue reading
I assume you’ve been paying close attention to Rick Santorum’s rhetoric. If you’re not, then jeez, this must be a really boring political season for you. But if you are paying attention, then you know that Rick Santorum says things, and that the things he says, they mean things, other things, important things. Republicans seem to agree: Santorum is a good speaker, which is important in a President, unless that President is Barack Obama, in which case good speaking skills only prove what a strange, dangerous Other he is. Continue reading
Welcome to a new and exciting feature: The Collected Santorum Dribblings.
Rick Santorum, after a greasy slide to the front of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, is finally being paid some serious attention by the national press.
Is this a good thing? Maybe not for him, maybe not for his campaign, but it’s certainly hilarious to poke fun at the worst Republican public speaker since Dubya ran to his hidey hole a few years back.
Let’s aim to not only make this a fun pursuit, but an educational one as well — it’s our duty as citizens to find a place to absorb all the Santorum dribs and drabs, to help us create a coherent picture of this candidate, made of all the squits and squirts of Santorum we find every day. Continue reading