Vile space gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich hosted a campaign event on his luxurious orbiting pleasure barge, Infidelicus, for reptilian GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin. Akin, a widely despised man-lizard, has been something of a laughingstock since he revealed in an interview his total lack of knowledge about how human babies are made.
“I apologize once again for not understanding your human gestation,” the anxious lizard-man told the sparse crowd, his tongue flitting nervously in and out of his facial orifice. “I did not know your females’ birth cavities were not protected by carnivorous mini-crabs whose job it is to repel inappropriate pregnancies with their fierce claws. In fact, I am told your bodies lack any kind of protective crustaceans altogether. Forgive my ignorance of your primate ways.”
Gingrich joined him on the podium, waving his fore-appendages at the sparse handful of reporters indifferently poking at their complimentary bowls of astronaut ice cream. “I am frankly astonished that the Republican establishment is not rallying around this fine lizard,” the Speaker declaimed, bloating with outrage. “We will need every man, lizard, and child working tirelessly if we are to reclaim the Senate,” he bellowed, spraying the podium with a fine mist of ice cream and partially chewed Space Food Sticks. “Only then can we block President Blacula’s communomuslim anti-American agenda of secular unfreedom!”
Gingrich, a leading expert on laughingstockery and being widely despised, has vowed to help Akin, partially out of conviction but mostly so he can use the publicity to sell his cookbooks. Other former 2012 GOP presidential candidates have been less willing to take Akin’s side. At a hobo camp in Des Moines, former senator Richard “Shoeless Dick” Santorum described Akin as “dumb as a goddamned bag of hammers. Hell, I got seven goddamned kids. Where babies come from isn’t goddamn rocket science. Dumb as a bag of goddamned hammers.”
Santorum’s hobo associate, former Minnesota governor “Barefoot Tim” Pawlenty agreed. Reclining in a hammock made of trash bags, his bare feet emitting a powerful stench, the erstwhile governor commented, “I know a thing or two about being a laughingstock, and this guy definitely has the knack.” 3000-year-old accursed walking skeleton Ron Paul, when asked about Akin, responded with a hideous shriek which most Egyptologists and scholars of the occult interpreted as derisive laughter. Texas governor Rick Perry, perhaps the dumbest of the 2012 presidential hopefuls, has also condemned Akin. “Hodor hodor HODOR!” Perry remarked.
This was the disgraced former House Speaker’s first public event on Infidelicus since it’s christening earlier this month. Infidelicus replaces Gingrich’s previous space-yacht, Adulterous II, which was destroyed by a barrage of House Romney atomics back in April. Adulterous I malfunctioned and crashed into the sea in late 1999, injuring several of the disgraced House Speaker’s mistresses and space-brides.
Speaker Newt’s Astronaut Ice Cream
Ingredients:
One astronaut
Ten gallons of cream
Ten pounds of ice
One pound of sugar
Insert astronaut and sugar into a food mill or man-blender until finally minced. Dump mixture into a large trough or serving vessel. Add cream and stir vigorously with your fore-appendages. Dump trough into your maw and enjoy!
Serves one.
