Election 2012

140 posts

Deranged Crazyman Allen West Concedes

Dangerous lunatic Allen West has given up in his sad, bizarre quest to remain in Congress. After the election, West and campaign manager Simon Van Gelder barricaded themselves in WEST FOR AMERICA headquarters in a run-down Del Boca Vista shopping center and refused to leave. Hopped up on doughnuts, space-meth, and hubris, West and Van Gelder reportedly sang atonal patriotic songs, defaced pictures of President Obama, and pelted passers-by with garbage and jars of their own wastes. West faxed profanity-laden demands for recounts, President Obama’s impeachment, and more doughnuts to local judges until the power was disconnected on Monday. Continue reading

Loser Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney, Besieged By Hair Demons Apparently (UPDATED)

Whoa. We’re not sure we’ve ever seen Mitt Romney look so, well, unpolished if we’re being kind. If we’re being honest, he looks like a group of flying monkeys decided to have their way with his heretofore unflappable hair follicles. And where’s the smug smirk? The pandering grin? The rock-solid confidence and irrefutable take charge attitude? Dressed in a rumpled shirt and pants with a wilted shirt collar and the pallor of a plate of carbohydrates, he looks like a guy who’s taken to eating at Arby’s. Christ, the road after the election seems to be full of tear-stained pillows and sweat-soaked hairdos lacking in pomade or attention. Mitt Romney now pumps his own gas in La Jolla. Continue reading

Mitt Romney Joins Legions of Republicans with Post-Election Sour Grapes with Own Sour Grapes

While the president today in a press conference stated his desire to work with Mitt Romney, the failed politician who vied for the presidency decided it would be a good opportunity to discuss all the “gifts” the president gave out to the electorate for their vote. Oh, yeah, he meant specifically to minorities. Continue reading

America’s Love Affair with Mitt Romney Comes to an End, At Last

Mitt Romney lost. November 6th saw the end of the Romney campaign, and the total collapse of the entire Romneyverse. The multiverse imploded–it was Crisis on Infinite Romneys. Blood ran red in the corridors of Fox News, and the Romney campaign waved its arms, made honking noises, and collapsed with a clang like the giant robot in Iron Giant. Continue reading

Election Night Live Blog: Which Half of the Country Will Hate Tonight’s Outcome?

Rich but Empty Calories Always Give Me HeartburnTwelve months of campaigning, billions of dollars in campaign spending and enough enough hacktastic advertising to shame even the slimiest local used car dealer finally comes to a head tonight. Based on the stories already coming out of the several states, fraught with reports of broken down voting machines and attempts at disenfranchisement, this is shaping up to be a long, painful night for all those involved.

As your intrepid live-blogger is a full-on masochist (he is a Cleveland Browns fan, after all), he will bring you all of tonight’s punditry, pontification and premature fapping at Florida going for Romney.

The polls start closing down at 7:30, but it seems plausible that many states will have voters going well past that based on them getting in line ahead of poll closings. We’ll start the party around 8:30, but feel free to bathe in your own vodka-glow in the comments before that.  Continue reading

Campaign of Eldritch Horror: Twitter and #RomneyDeathRally

A Mitt Romney rally in Pennsylvania took a dark turn, according to ominous reports from eyewitnesses. Romney staffers refused to let people leave the rally, despite freezing temperatures. Disgruntled rally-goers complained on Twitter, first in anger, then in horror, then in  madness and despair, as the event transmogrified from a poorly administered rally by an incompetent campaign, to an eldritch night of unfathomable terror. Continue reading

Why Women Should Support President Obama

If it were the late 1960’s and we were existing in a time when Kings of the Universe, like the Don Draper type, reigned would we acknowledge the only jobs that would be considered respectable and acceptable for a woman outside of helping the war effort in times of dire need, would be either secretary, teacher, or nurse, but never the subversive desire to write barn-burning articles for the local newspaper about inequality between the sexes and how few really seem to care about the concerns of the so-called fairer sex. Mostly. Continue reading

Crasstalk’s Official Presidential Endorsement, Now With 100% More Righteousness

A very special thank you to Ornery Babe and Cletar who helped put this endorsement together.

Listen, if Michael Bloomberg can take time out from hurricane recovery to endorse a Presidential candidate, it’s only fair for the wise and occasionally sober scribes of Crasstalk to do the same.

Admittedly, the path to this Election Day has been long-six years long for one candidate, in fact. The cost, has been excessive-more than $2.5 billion, to be precise. And on the eve of that election, through the speeches, the conventions and the ads-Good God- the ads, we must decide between two men for the opportunity to occupy the White House for the next four years.

Who do we, the brilliant minds at Crasstalk, believe best to lead this nation through the next four years of corporate pillaging?

Continue reading