mitt romney

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Mitt Romney Drops out, America Weeps, Shrugs

romney bridge2The 2016 presidential race has claimed it’s first casualty (if you don’t count Paul Ryan, which, of course, I’m not). Willard Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and professional collector of electoral defeats, erstwhile Lord Protector of the Olympics and governor of a state he will not name, has decided not to compete for Nixon Crown of Double Nomination and seek the 2016 GOP nomination.

On Friday, Romney emerged from the Hall of Audiences in Castle Romney, his mountain fastness hewn from the very living rock high in the Utah Alps. Surrounded by House Romney retainers, with a light snow dusting their aluminum battle armor, Romney addressed a small surprised crowd of freshman journalism majors from Utah Alps Community College who were there filming a documentary no one would watch for a class they all bitterly regretted taking. He mounted the rostrum where the father of his organic components, George Romney, had once announced that he would challenge thrice-damned dark mage Richard Nixon for the 1968 GOP nomination. “My friends!” he shouted, though truthfully, no one there was his friend. “I shall not be your president!” he cried, as though everyone had not already known this for several years. Continue reading

The 2016 Election is Coming!

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Sure, the corpses of the fallen in the 2014 election are scarce cold in their political graves, but hey, the Iowa caucuses are a mere 53 weeks away. 2016 is coming! On the Democratic side, it’s still not clear which obscure weirdo Hillary Clinton will blow her prohibitive lead to, but the Republican side is shaping up to be quite the busy clown orgy. Let’s gaze in dismay at this gabbling horror of potential GOP 2016 candidates! Continue reading

President Obama is Having Lunch with Mitt Romney Tomorrow

When did they stop putting Foie Gras and Crème Fraîche in these things?!

Oh, good gracious. We imagine this will be like having lunch with the jerkoff from high school whose mom plays Bridge with your mom, so now you’re obligated to eat with this guy so you can hear all about his sensational plans to travel/go to cooking school/open up a hot dog stand at the baseball stadium or whatever, now that he’s unemployed. You can’t make anyone any promises, but sure, yeah, you’ll see if there are any openings at your company — perhaps in the research lab testing Styrofoam and pantyhose. No, not really, but what can you do? Continue reading

Loser Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney, Besieged By Hair Demons Apparently (UPDATED)

Whoa. We’re not sure we’ve ever seen Mitt Romney look so, well, unpolished if we’re being kind. If we’re being honest, he looks like a group of flying monkeys decided to have their way with his heretofore unflappable hair follicles. And where’s the smug smirk? The pandering grin? The rock-solid confidence and irrefutable take charge attitude? Dressed in a rumpled shirt and pants with a wilted shirt collar and the pallor of a plate of carbohydrates, he looks like a guy who’s taken to eating at Arby’s. Christ, the road after the election seems to be full of tear-stained pillows and sweat-soaked hairdos lacking in pomade or attention. Mitt Romney now pumps his own gas in La Jolla. Continue reading

Mitt Romney Joins Legions of Republicans with Post-Election Sour Grapes with Own Sour Grapes

While the president today in a press conference stated his desire to work with Mitt Romney, the failed politician who vied for the presidency decided it would be a good opportunity to discuss all the “gifts” the president gave out to the electorate for their vote. Oh, yeah, he meant specifically to minorities. Continue reading

Crasstalk’s Official Presidential Endorsement, Now With 100% More Righteousness

A very special thank you to Ornery Babe and Cletar who helped put this endorsement together.

Listen, if Michael Bloomberg can take time out from hurricane recovery to endorse a Presidential candidate, it’s only fair for the wise and occasionally sober scribes of Crasstalk to do the same.

Admittedly, the path to this Election Day has been long-six years long for one candidate, in fact. The cost, has been excessive-more than $2.5 billion, to be precise. And on the eve of that election, through the speeches, the conventions and the ads-Good God- the ads, we must decide between two men for the opportunity to occupy the White House for the next four years.

Who do we, the brilliant minds at Crasstalk, believe best to lead this nation through the next four years of corporate pillaging?

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The Electoral College Needs to Go

Over the past weeks I have been watching CNN for my election coverage. They don’t blatantly ignore facts like Fox News and they aren’t blatantly (even though they are) in the tank for Obama like MSNBC. Once Romney became the presumptive Republican nominee, they began to analyze the various presidential polls.

If you were from another planet and saw the coverage on CNN, you would think the United States was controlled by a handful of states: Virginia, Nevada, New Hampshire, Florida, and Ohio. These are the states that will decide the election. Eventually, CNN managed to whittle this list down to Ohio. I kept hearing that whoever wins Ohio will be President. I thought it was funny when, during one of the debates, CNN had a room full of undecided voters from Ohio and said “These are the people who will decide the election.” I kept waiting for them to find a single undecided voter in Cleveland and ask him/her how it felt to know they were responsible for picking the next President. Continue reading

The Final Debate Recap: Debatepocalypse Now

From the shit-lagoons of Iowa, to the maple warrens of New Hampshire, to the dark merman-infested swamps of Florida, we come now to the End Times. After thirty-nine Republican frontrunners,  from the Eye of Moron to vile space-beast Newt Gingrich; from pizza-comedian Herman Cain to Texas governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump, after three hundred and fifty-seven GOP candidate debates, and one vice-presidential debate, we arrived at the third and final presidential debate. This was the last question in the presidential job interview. Time to close the deal. Continue reading

Presidential Debate Liveblog: Around the World in 90 Minutes

We live in a world where new threats constantly emerge, power structures are frequently in flux and diplomacy is increasingly important to those who hold power. As leader of the free world (in theory) the President of the United States must posses a nuanced and thoughtful world view.

The best way for candidates to display that worldview is in a series of soundbites spread out over 90 minutes to an audience of folks who would have a hard time finding the Middle East on a map. Fortunately, we’ll hear nothing of the President’s secret war, nor of Mitt Romney’s dis-interest in putting a stop to it. Nor will we hear about the vast powers to make war that the Executive branch has accumulated in the last 30 years, because acknowledging it might mean giving some of them back.

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Josh Romney Will Fry Your Face Off With His Laser Eyeballs

Fucking Josh. Well, we all heard what other Romney son, Tagg, wanted to do to the president during Tuesday’s debate. Haha. Oh, Tagg. That is your real name isn’t it? It’s actually “Tagg” with double the “g?” Brilliant. You’re like an ABC Family Switched at Birth conundrum co-starring the Palins of the shit-silliest Alaskan branch of American idiots. So, er, yeah, Tagg, buddy. You wanted to take a swing at the sitting POTUS? That’s a lot of entitled ball swinging there. But sure. Hey, it’s a free country. You know, when the Secret Service are done sexing up ladies in South America, we’d also like them to pay you a visit to discuss the fun-filled history surrounding acts of treason. Oh, but your brother Josh? Wow, intense much? Continue reading