NASCAR

I don’t want to brag, but I’m a really great gift-giver.

As those Yoplait commercial idiots would say, like “Shoe shopping while eating chocolate good.” (Ad guy 1: “My ex-wife likes shoes a lot. Let’s add that in.” Ad guy 2: “I see a lot of girls eating candy bars when they have their periods. Gotta rep that too.” Ad guy 1: “Great, we’re done here. Time to bash stuff with football helmets.”)

For my birthday, my friend got me the novelization of “Snakes on a Plane,” which weighed in at a logic-defying 400 pages. Single spaced.

It was a direct nod—some might say a thanks—for a summer 2006 filled with my Snakes on a Plane song-and-dance routine. (“Song and dance” could be overstating it. It was more of a musical chant “Snakes on a Plane, Snakes on a Plane, I’m so excited to see Snakes on a Plane!” combined with a mix of the running man and The Carlton. I’m telling you, it did not get old.)

So my friend gave me 400 pages of snakey goodness. The only thing I had to worry about was finding a gift to match the brilliance.

Enter the NASCAR Harlequin romance book “In the Groove,” the heartwarming/sexy story of a simple kindergarten teacher who has an ex Photoshop her face onto a nude body and distribute them on the Internet. After she loses her job, she gets hit by a car driven by a NASCAR heartthrob, and well, you know the rest. Story old as time.

Please, please, if you do nothing else for yourself today, treat yourself to the description:

“She wouldn’t know a NASCAR star if he hit her with his car…and he just did. Sarah was a kindergarten teacher until a sleazy ex-boyfriend got her fired. Now the only job she can find is driving the motor coach for racing star Lance Cooper. She doesn’t know a thing about NASCAR – and she’s off to a rocky start when she doesn’t recognize her ultra-famous boss. Lance can’t help but notice Sarah’s sweet smile – and how seriously unimpressed she is with his fame. Her reaction piques his interest – and he’s convinced she’s a good-luck charm. But Sarah has no interest in Lance’s jet-setting life; she’d rather deal with spitballs than one supersexy race car driver. Too bad whenever he comes near her she turns hot as race fuel. Soon things begin to heat up on the track, and Sarah begins to wonder if she might be able to teach one famous race car driver a few lessons about love. ”

It’s not just the awkwardly shoe-horned in racing imagery, like “her checkered past might distract him from the checkered flag,” or the pandering moments like “she had a plain face but there was something pretty about her.” And “I think being a kindergarten teacher is a noble profession.” But just the puzzling sentences like “His stomach felt like he’d just eaten 12 monster tacos.” First of all, who would eat 12 not just tacos but monster tacos? And why would this be used to describe being nervous before The Big Race instead of being about to be sick?

This book should get a Pulitzer. It’s funnier than Dave Barry. But in the words of Reading Rainbow, you don’t have to take my word for it. Here are two actual reviews from Amazon: (all spellings are sic)

“In The Groove is a blast! It’s funny, sexy and romantic. My daddy has always been a huge NASCAR fan so all of the quips and explanations about sponsors, teams and fans had me smiling in remembrance. Lance is sexy and handsome and he’s a really sweet guy too. Sarah is the kind of girl you want to see happy. She is such a nice person and her kindness and positive attitude are infectious. In The Groove is a story that I just raced through. It’s so entertaining I couldn’t put it down. I finished the last page with a satisfied sigh. Read In The Groove. It will take you on a fast, fun and romantic ride!

I took ITG down with me on the loooong drive to the Daytona 500 this past Feb and it was the best thing I could have done! It got me psyched for the race, it made me laugh, made me cry…UNREAL!

The character of Sarah is so loveable as the every-girl you could totally see yourself in her. The driver Lance just oooozes the kind of swaggering sexuality that you would imagine your favorite driver to have. Pamela makes it EASY for you to tack the face of your Jeff Gordons, Carl Edwards or Kevin Harvicks out there onto Lance Cooper and that was more than enough for me!

The story was so hot that I must admit, at parts I found myself reading so fast I had to go back over it all and soak it in! LOL. Trust me, you will NOT be disappointed by this book in the least!!! I cant WAIT for Pam’s next book “On the Edge” to come out!! Thanks Pam for writing these deliciously wonderful books that tantalize the need for NASCAR and some goood lovin!” – Chrissy

Congrats “Chrissy,” you’re the first person who’s ever combined a NASCAR event and reading something that wasn’t printed on the back of the Cheetos bag. And really? It made you cry? I guess it makes sense, what with the shocking ending of them ending up happy and all. And don’t “LOL” yourself, makes you seem desperate.

Another take:

“The chemestry between them is great and real, but I’ll tell you this is a squeeky clean romance novel. There are NO sex scenes in this book. It completely skips over all the physical romance. Even the language is vague and tame. No dirty or highly suggestive words. There is a hot kiss or two, but that is it. I only mention it because I know I like my romance novels steamy, but besides that I still found this book great.”

Cause I like my NASCAR romances, but I’ll be damned if they’re gonna make me read between the lines (or lanes. Har.) But I’ll be double dammed if I’m not getting some car sex scenes for my $5.99.