Vile space gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich, erstwhile Terror of the Outer Rim Territories and disgraced Speaker of the House, has a job of sorts, if working for sad news-husk CNN counts as a job.
At an impromptu press conference at the lunch buffet at the Lard-O All You Can Eat on I-285, Gingrich announced “Rejoice, fans of Newt! I have returned to the airwaves!” Waving his fore-apppendages in jubilation, he sprayed the sneeze-guard with a fine froth of canned buffet pudding and fried fish fingeroids. “I shall host the CNN flagship show, Crossfire, and restore CNN to it’s erstwhile glory! The Nineties are back, and so am I!” The disgraced former Speaker also announced that, as part of his effort to revive the Nineties, he would also be releasing an album of Nineties covers, including his own arrangements of Cher’s “Believe,” “No Scrubs” by TLC, and “The Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang.
His victory sacs engorged to near-bursting the rotund politician and debt-enthusiast also claimed he would star in remakes of both “Fight Club” and “The Sixth Sense.” A Gingrich spokesman later clarified that none of these things would actually happen, except for the CNN gig, which gloomy, hollow-eyed CNN PR staffers confirmed. Former “Crossfire” host Tucker Carlson also said something, but no one can hear his words any more.
Gingrich’s 2012 primary rival, Richard “Shoeless Dick” Santorum, had also taken a broadcasting job earlier this year. Santorum, host of Dubuque NewsChannel Five’s Corn Report, could not be reached for comment.
