Now that puritanical lady-womb advocate, Rick Santorum, threw his chips at the Casino dealer and left his candidacy for president, some are wondering what the hell they’ll do with Mitt Romney.
Oh, woe is the embattled Republican who now has to settle for Robo-Mitt 4600.
In a Yahoo News commentary, titled “Thanks, Rick Santorum, for Giving Us Four More Years of Obama,” Andrew Riggio contemplates the narrowing path to Republican victory now that Mitt Romney will probably be the nominee. And this is a major problem, yes? Yes. What you may not have realized is that some in the right-wing liked Santorum because he was so much different than anyone else, reportedly with a brain, who sought the nomination. Is this like saying because Uncle Marv believes he’s an avocado, he’s so much better than all those other boring uncles who know that they’re just regular men? Well, exactly!
Riggio says the right wing are making two big mistakes by letting Santorum out of the race. [Letting is a funny word to use here, right? I mean because short of hog-tying Santorum and putting him down in some sort of bomb shelter to subsist on beef jerky and jug wine for the duration of the primary season, it seemed pretty much out of the hands of the party.] The problems as Riggio sees them are 1) Romney is too hard for voters to like and 2) he’s too similar to Obama.
Haha! So then the answer was to keep the raving lunatic in the race, because he was likable, and because he was as crazy as a hatter, which made him wayyyy dissimilar to Obama. Right. Okay. This sounds reasonable. BUT many a democrat will disagree, because while there may be some comparison with regard to the second statement and Romney’s more centrist ideologies….there’s no way we’re co-signing on Obama not being likeable. Obama is very likable. The man has chrarisma for days. Romney is a mustard stain on tan slacks. Not everyone may see it, but you know it’s there, and it bugs the crap out of you. That mustard stain also happens to be a bazillionaire, which makes its existence worse. “Why must you mock me mustard stain! I know you can afford to be better! At least a $19.99 per lb bit of lobster butter dribble or something you arsehole!”
For what it’s worth, Riggio says there are some benefits to a Romney nominee.
“He’s conservative, religious and looks good in a suit. He’s a good public speaker most of the time.”
Is that sort of like if we dress him up in a good suit he may not roll around in the dirt and then talk about his genitals at the dinner table? This is what you look for in a candidate? Apparently. You’d think not drooling on oneself, or shooting women in the fallopian tubes would also be prerequisites. Not so. But then he’s also got that pesky Morman problem, the long johns, the child brides, and everything else that comes with that whole thing. He also pays very little in taxes, because he’s a dastardly cash czar with million dollar horses, fifty Cadillacs, and money in off-shore accounts like a regular Wall Street economy ruiner. And we haven’t even gotten to Romneycare, which Riggio points out is based on the same math as “Obamacare.” He’s pretty much Obama without all the cool! This is what you mean to tell us, right? Sucks to be you guys.
Whatever will the Republicans do now that the Circus Barn is reduced by one member? It seems some really are distraught that there isn’t a candidate that says, “Change. No matter what other crazy shit I think, you’ll get change with me because I’m a goddamned avocado.”
The thing though, Andrew, you really can’t be upset that the “Obama Change” mantra is threatening not to work for Republicans in the same way it worked for him. If you really want a detestable changeling, call up old Sarah Palin and put in your bid for her as a running mate nomination.
That’ll shake things up. Surely, just like it was 2008 when everything was all about change, and two nuts tried to burp their way into the White House.
