19 posts

America’s Love Affair with Mitt Romney Comes to an End, At Last

Mitt Romney lost. November 6th saw the end of the Romney campaign, and the total collapse of the entire Romneyverse. The multiverse imploded–it was Crisis on Infinite Romneys. Blood ran red in the corridors of Fox News, and the Romney campaign waved its arms, made honking noises, and collapsed with a clang like the giant robot in Iron Giant. Continue reading

Election Night Live Blog: Which Half of the Country Will Hate Tonight’s Outcome?

Rich but Empty Calories Always Give Me HeartburnTwelve months of campaigning, billions of dollars in campaign spending and enough enough hacktastic advertising to shame even the slimiest local used car dealer finally comes to a head tonight. Based on the stories already coming out of the several states, fraught with reports of broken down voting machines and attempts at disenfranchisement, this is shaping up to be a long, painful night for all those involved.

As your intrepid live-blogger is a full-on masochist (he is a Cleveland Browns fan, after all), he will bring you all of tonight’s punditry, pontification and premature fapping at Florida going for Romney.

The polls start closing down at 7:30, but it seems plausible that many states will have voters going well past that based on them getting in line ahead of poll closings. We’ll start the party around 8:30, but feel free to bathe in your own vodka-glow in the comments before that.  Continue reading

Des Moines Register Endorses Romney

The Des Moines Register has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. This is their first endorsement of a Republican presidential candidate since the spectacularly successful presidency of sweaty felon Richard Nixon.

The endorsement was not without controversy, according to reports, with considerable whiskey-fueled shouting coming from the editorial offices. “Mr Romney exudes a virile, Nixonian charm, a heady can-do musk that will get this country back to work,” the endorsement drunkenly opines.  The logic-free piece praises President Obama’s stimulus package, rambles a bit, and then asserts that consumer and business confidence will rise through a magical, unexplained process if Nixon Romney is elected. Continue reading

The Only Presidential Debate Recap You’ll Need to Read

Willard Mittonicum Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men, debated Barack Obama, President of the United States,  before a crowd of nitwits, ne’er-do-wells, Richard Dreyfus impersonators, mildly unhappy women, short-term memory loss sufferers, and a kid named Jeremy at the Manhattan Clam Chowder Institute in Montauk on Tuesday.

This was their second debate. The first debate, in Denver, was something of a disaster for Obama. Bill Clinton had given him some terrible debate advice at the previous week’s Presidential Poker Game in the White House basement rumpus room. “Before ah whupped ol’ man Bush,” the ex-president declaimed, his mouth full of ranch dip, “ah et a whole turkey. You eatcha a WHOLE turkey, right before your debate, and you’ll tan ol’ Mitty’s ass. Also, don’t wear no underwear. It’ll make ya feel looser, think better.” Clinton liked to talk like a yokel because it infuriated Jimmy Carter and threw him off his game. Obama was skeptical of the turkey plan, but Clinton’s poker advice had been spot-on. Jimmy Carter bluffed constantly, and the robot with FDR’s brain NEVER bluffed. Obama decided that maybe Clinton’s debate tips were good, too. This was a mistake. Continue reading

Debate Live Blog: Did the President Learn From Joe Biden?

As America limps towards the Presidential election, we find ourselves as divided a nation as ever. Conservatives and Progressives argue daily over everything-taxes, climate change, health care and a list of issues that never seems to end. Most Americans have long since decided where they stand, and damned if any debate changes that.

Fortunately, tonight’s town hall-style debate audience will have none of those Americans. Instead, we get a debate moderated by an anchor from America’s lamest cable network, populated by our lamest Americans: The undecided voters. We all know the type-unsure of who they will vote for, despite the fact that the President is an incumbent and Mitt Romney has been campaigning for this job since before we knew what an iPhone was.  Continue reading

Obama-Romney Debate Live Blog

With only five weeks until the election, the GOP’s point of no return zipped past in the rearview weeks ago. About the time Mitt Romney spent a muggy night in Tampa following up the weirdest public display by a senior citizen since Reagan’s second term with a bore-fest, the tide started turning against America’s favorite Mormon-Plutocratic-Android.

Tonight, that could all change. Mitt Romney could give the performance of a life time, the President could have a ‘Kill Whitey’ moment, and Ann Romney could spend Thursday morning planning for ways to keep ‘you people’ away from the Executive Mansion. Continue reading

Prepping for the Presidential Debate: The View From Castle Romney

In his mountain fastness of Castle Romney, high in the windswept Utah Alps, Willard Mittonicum Jackasticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and Republican Presidential nominee, prepared for the first Presidential debate. His campaign is in something of a shambles, and his advisors were hoping Romney could turn it around with a non-crappy performance at the debate. Continue reading

Mitt Romney Will Finally Share His 2011 Tax Returns With You People

What’s the best way to mute ceaseless criticism that you are the “Plutocrat’s Plutocrat”?

Doubtless, it’s not releasing your 2011 tax returns showing an effective tax rate of 14.1%, but that’s about all Mitt Romney’s got. Reportedly, the returns include $2.25M of deductions for charitable contributions and about $14.7M of total income. Continue reading

Welcome to Tampa: “Shoeless Dick” Santorum Speaks

Ricardo “Shoeless Dick” Santorum spoke at the GOP convention on Tuesday. He spent Monday night in the hobo camp near the convention center, drinking stolen Cigar City Jai-Lai Pale Ale and eating Cuban sandwiches and black beans salvaged from the dumpster behind the Columbia Restaurant. The one-time senator is very fond of beans. “Goddamn,” he told his fellow hobos. “Those are some damn good beans.” Continue reading