According to frightened poopy-diapered babies Texas Republicans, protestors demonstrating against recent outbreaks of batshittery in the Texas Legislature began chanting “Hail Satan” this week, prompting a rash of right wing fantods, fainting spells, and Twitter meltdowns. Reports from the scene are somewhat confused, because apparently Twitter is what we have now instead of journalism. Continue reading
Cletar
94 posts
Movie making is sort of a crap shoot. The movie we see on the screen is the result of a series of choices and random happenstances. Oh, crazy 70s Dune movie that never was, how I wish I had your sweet Pink Floyd sound track. Oh well. Let’s look at some of these random happenings, and shriek with delight and/or dismay at what might have been. Continue reading
Vile space gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich, erstwhile Terror of the Outer Rim Territories and disgraced Speaker of the House, has a job of sorts, if working for sad news-husk CNN counts as a job. Continue reading
Here’s what you’ll need:
- 8 cups chicken stock, preferably homemade, if not, low sodium
- 1 cup orzo pasta, or rice
- 4 eggs, separated
- Juice of 3 lemons (approx. ½ cup of lemon juice)
- Freshly ground black pepper
- Shredded or chopped left-over cooked chicken (optional)
Bring stock to a boil and add orzo or rice. Simmer until tender, about 20 minutes. (Orzo is faster than rice). Season stock to taste with salt, if necessary. Continue reading
President Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy when he described California Attorney General Kamala Harris “as by far, the best looking attorney general.” Um, Mr. President? That’s not the kind of thing you’re supposed to say. You’re supposed to be better than that. We might expect Bill Clinton to say things like “Check out the gams on that deputy assistant secretary of agriculture!” But not you. We elected you because you’re not a skanky man-whore like Bill Clinton or a gibbering rodeo clown eating a shit sandwich like George W. Bush. Continue reading
In a surprise move, the Catholic Church’s Cabal of Choosing has chosen British character actor Jonathan Pryce as the new Pope. Pryce chose the papal name “Francis,” as a tribute to his two entertainment-business idols: Francis the talking mule from the popular movie series, and obscure twentieth-century saloon singer Francis Albert Sinatra. Continue reading
Top Hollywood scientists predict that by 2015, 100% of all movies will be remakes. Some filmologists disagree, arguing that we will not achieve the Remake Singularity until after we have passed the Prequel Event Horizon, where all movies are prequels. Regardless of which theoretical camp they subscribe to, film specialists agree that Renaissance Man/thespian James Franco is a pivotal figure in film history. Some argue that his appearance in Oz, The Great and Powerful, may be the culmination of The Prequel Event Horizon and usher in the Total Remake Era. Let us explore what a Franco-dominated future might look like. Continue reading
Look, the damned world is not going to end today. You still have to get up and go to work. “No, no!” you say. “The Mayan calendar is ending! That means the universe will EXPLODE!” Ok. Go in the kitchen and look at that crummy calendar that your insurance agent sends you every year. See Tuesday? That’s Christmas. Merry Christmas! Now find the next Tuesday. What happens? OMG THE CALENDAR ENDS! CALENDARPOCALYPSE! The calendar WE use ends at the end of every damn December, and it doesn’t mean doomsday. It means you go to the crappy bookstore at the mall and buy a new one. Continue reading
The trailer for the new Star Trek movie, the punctuationally-challenged Star Trek Into Darkness, is here at last. GIRD YOUR NERD LOINS AND PREPARE TO ENGORGE WITH NERD RAGE! Gawk at British thespian Bandersnatch Crustypants! Groan at the BWAP! noise from Inception, which all trailers are legally required to use! Shriek at the Space-fu jumping around! Gabble with anger with your nerdquaintances over who the villain is! Gape at the explosions and spaceship crashes! Yell at all the yelling!
Actually, it doesn’t look too bad. But seriously, it’s time to retire the Inception BWAP! noise. Please. Continue reading
Dangerous lunatic Allen West has given up in his sad, bizarre quest to remain in Congress. After the election, West and campaign manager Simon Van Gelder barricaded themselves in WEST FOR AMERICA headquarters in a run-down Del Boca Vista shopping center and refused to leave. Hopped up on doughnuts, space-meth, and hubris, West and Van Gelder reportedly sang atonal patriotic songs, defaced pictures of President Obama, and pelted passers-by with garbage and jars of their own wastes. West faxed profanity-laden demands for recounts, President Obama’s impeachment, and more doughnuts to local judges until the power was disconnected on Monday. Continue reading