Dangerous lunatic Allen West has given up in his sad, bizarre quest to remain in Congress. After the election, West and campaign manager Simon Van Gelder barricaded themselves in WEST FOR AMERICA headquarters in a run-down Del Boca Vista shopping center and refused to leave. Hopped up on doughnuts, space-meth, and hubris, West and Van Gelder reportedly sang atonal patriotic songs, defaced pictures of President Obama, and pelted passers-by with garbage and jars of their own wastes. West faxed profanity-laden demands for recounts, President Obama’s impeachment, and more doughnuts to local judges until the power was disconnected on Monday.
After local residents complained, the filth-encrusted campaign office was besieged by the Palm Beach County Sheriffs Department Counter-Craziness Task Force last Wednesday. By Monday, they were down to a skeleton crew. “We just don’t have the manpower to wait out every crazy Republican who’s covered in excrement and shouting about birth certificates,” Deputy Sheriff Stan Jablonski said, as his crew indifferently fired tranquilizer darts at West and Van Gelder. “Our budget is pretty tight, and we have holiday crazy season coming up.” One of the last of the Romney dead-enders holed up in Cheetos-filled bunkers since Election Day, the unspeakably filthy West and his weeping manager surrendered to authorities on Friday. West has been transferred to a secure penal colony for the criminally insane on a distant asteroid. Van Gelder has returned to his job at Fox News. West’s campaign headquarters has been condemned by the Palm Beach County Health Department.
