It’s holiday baking time. You should make a fruitcake. Yes, yes, I know. Fruitcake gets a bad rap. But this one is good, and doesn’t have the weird neon colored fruit things like cheap lousy store-bought fruitcakes. This version is adapted from Alton Brown’s recipe. Now, there are some crazy complicated fruitcake recipes out there, but this isn’t one of them. This one is pretty uncomplicated and easy to do, and the crapload of dried fruit in it will keep you from getting scurvy during the long winter. For this recipe, there are three basic preparation stages: rehydrating the dried fruit; cooking the fruit in juice, and spices; and then the final assembly and baking. If you don’t have a lot of time, this is a good holiday recipe for you, since you can do one or both of the preliminary stages and save the baking for another day.
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Cletar
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GAZE IN WONDER, NERDLINGS, AT WHAT JJ ABRAMS HATH WROUGHT! Gape in awe at characters we don’t recognize! Shriek with delight at spaceships you remember from your childhood! Groan inwardly because there’s so much goddamned Tattooine! (Seriously, does this galaxy only have five planets or something?)
Anyway, it’s here, and it looks pretty good, and you can watch it on your computer in your turkey gravy stained sweatpants, without having to put on clothes and go to the mall to see THE DUMB AND DUMBENING. BEHOLD! Continue reading
Eric Holder stunned the political world–or at least people who didn’t hear him last year say that he would leave this year–when he resigned Thursday. In a moving, tearful resignation speech, Holder thanked Obama, called Texas congressman Louie Gohmert an asshole, and announced he was leaving the law and returning to his first love: musical theater. Variety reports that Holder is in talks to play Det. Harris in the Broadway musical production of Barney Miller. President Obama wept openly, because he, too, loves Barney Miller so very much.
So now, Eric Holder belongs to the ages. Let’s look back at attorneys general throughout history, and see how Eric Holder stacks up. Continue reading
So, there’s a new season of Dr. Who, the decades-long BBC series aimed at delighting simple children and providing marginal employment to barely-employable minor Shakespearean character-actors. As surly Scottish grumpus Peter Capaldi takes over the role, let’s look back at some of the other unfortunates who have played this time-traveling weirdo. Continue reading
Yes, yes, I know. Fruitcake gets a bad rap. But this one is good. This version is adapted from Alton Brown’s recipe. Continue reading
The nation’s capitol was brought to a standstill mildly inconvenienced Friday as thousands dozens maybe eighteen or so four truckers descended on Washington as part of the Truckers Ride for the Constitution, a truck-based protest designed to “shut down America” and “restore constitutional government.” Organizers denied the event was just a stunt to promote James Franco’s reboot of Smokey and the Bandit, and claimed 10,000 truckers would show up. USA Today puts the number that actually showed up as approximately three. Some photos show as many as four trucks. Fox News and Politico put the number as high as thirty. Some of the truckers may be extra-dimensional travelers from Earth 61-A, where Separatist cyborg-general Barack 0-9AMA overthrew beloved President Will Romney in a bloody coup. These extra-dimensional travelers may be unaware that in this dimension, human Barack Obama soundly defeated cyborg Willard Romney, giving the manbot a humiliating electoral loss that was well within Constitutional parameters. What the truckers from either dimension planned to actually do is unclear, though there was some speculation that they would engage in the obscure quasi-Constitutional practice known as “truckerpeachment” in an effort to remove Barack Obama from office. Continue reading
Canadian-born U.S. senator Pablo “Ted” Cruz announced he will renounce his Canadian citizenship and defect permanently to his adopted homeland, the United States. Cruz, who is widely expected to seek the Wingnut Republican presidential nomination in 2016, had come under increasing pressure to explain the circumstances of his birth to Republican leaders who are obsessed with vaginas and things that come out of vaginas, like babies. Continue reading
Delusional man-whore and disgraced former Congress-skank Anthony Weiner and his attention-starved genitals are leaving the New York City mayor’s race. In a statement released on the popular genital-flashing website CheckOutMyJunk.com, the congressman, his scrotum drooping with defeat and sadness, said; “Hey Girl HEY! Check out my mad junk, YO! Also, it is with regret that I announce that I am withdrawing my candidacy for mayor of New York. To the good people of New York and to the HOT CHIX of CHECKOUTMYJUNK.COM, I want to thank you for this opportunity to serve you HOT PIX OF MY STEAMING MAN-MEAT AW YEAH!” He also posted gif images of himself making masturbatory gestures. Continue reading
Hundreds of comic book nerds passed out when Zach Snyder, director of Man of Steel, revealed a logo for a Batman vs Superman movie at Comic-Con in San Diego. Hundreds more reportedly bodily ascended out of the convention center and achieved nerdvana, becoming as one with the nerdiverse. Reports are hazy, but it appears the auditorium was deprived of oxygen by the collective gasps of nerdmazement when the logo appeared in the darkened auditorium. Into the darkness, actor Harry Lennix read a quote from the iconic 1980s comic series, The Dark Knight Returns which concludes with an epic Batman-Superman showdown: Continue reading
Pacific Rim is the Citizen Kane of robot monster movies. I’m referring, naturally, to the original cut of Citizen Kane, not the butchered, robot-free studio cut that most of us saw in film class. Making Rosebud a sled instead of a robot companion deprives Kane of both pathos and narrative coherence. Anyway. This film is, of course, a remake of the 1965 Orson Welles Japanese production, The Pacific Rim. The 2013 version of Pacific Rim is perhaps the deepest and most ambitious robot monster movie since Woody Allen’s 1982 Robots of Manhattan, and perhaps the most innovative cinematic take on robots and monsters since Francois Truffaut’s ground-breaking masterpiece, Les Robots Dangereux. Continue reading