According to frightened poopy-diapered babies Texas Republicans, protestors demonstrating against recent outbreaks of batshittery in the Texas Legislature began chanting “Hail Satan” this week, prompting a rash of right wing fantods, fainting spells, and Twitter meltdowns. Reports from the scene are somewhat confused, because apparently Twitter is what we have now instead of journalism.
As the Twitter hashtag #HailSatan took off, Texas Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump reacted decisively to the non-crisis by mildly soiling himself and jibber-jabbering incoherently about the dangerously close relationship between the Prince of Darkness and womenfolk’s lady-parts. Then, exhausted and fussy, he watched Martha Speaks and took his afternoon nap. This is more or less what passes for Republican governance these days.
Other Republican leaders were quick to join Governor Gump in expressing disgust with both Satan and the weirdness that goes on below a woman’s waist. House Republicans vowed to fake-repeal Obamacare again for some reason. Louisiana governor and exorcism-enthusiast Bobby Jindal appeared on CNN’s Bloviate With Newt Gingrich to express his dismay before CNN’s audience of Satan-fearing Iowa primary voters, shut-ins, and people who have lost their tv remotes. “Gorsh!” the governor exclaimed in his trademark folksy style. “Satan shore is bad! Them Texas ladies with their devilish uteruses shore was dumb to summon him! I blame Obamacare.” Disgraced former House Speaker Gingrich was quick to agree. Waving his fore-appendages in outrage, Gingrich frothed, “Frankly, the secular atheist pro-Muslim policies of the Alinskyite radicals in the White House have been practically begging Satan to show up.”
Why atheists, who presumably do not believe in Satan, would be particularly eager to summon him, was not entirely clear. When asked for clarification, a Gingrich spokesman declined to comment.
The bloated space-beast continued, his jowls glistening with outrage and ranch dressing. “I think, frankly, it’s a sign of the moral decay of the Democrat Party that Satan is so prevalent. Deficits and devils. That’s your Democrat Party today, to be perfectly candid. We need to return to the strong defense and healthcare-free days of Ronald Reagan, when Satan had no place in American politics.”
Like much of what emerges from Gingrich’s moist word-hole, this was mostly untrue. From Nixon’s use of fire-demons to Romney’s appeal to the Old Gods during the “Romney Death Rally” in 2012, dark supernatural forces have a long and storied history in Republican politics. At least three Republican presidents, including Nixon, George W. Bush, and Rutherford B. Hayes became president as the result of satanic pacts. Satan himself was apparently on Nixon’s vice-presidential short-list, and served briefly as Nixon’s deputy attorney general after Nixon fired Arioch, Lord of the Seven Darks during the Saturday Night Massacre. Arioch was later US Ambassador to Chaos during the Reagan administration.
Reagan himself was no stranger to eldritch darkness, coming, as he did, from Satan-friendly Hollywood. Much of his foreign policy staff was composed of demons and beast-lords of various sorts, including Satan, Mabelode The Faceless, and Donald Rumsfeld.
