Batshit crazy

7 posts

Deranged Crazyman Allen West Concedes

Dangerous lunatic Allen West has given up in his sad, bizarre quest to remain in Congress. After the election, West and campaign manager Simon Van Gelder barricaded themselves in WEST FOR AMERICA headquarters in a run-down Del Boca Vista shopping center and refused to leave. Hopped up on doughnuts, space-meth, and hubris, West and Van Gelder reportedly sang atonal patriotic songs, defaced pictures of President Obama, and pelted passers-by with garbage and jars of their own wastes. West faxed profanity-laden demands for recounts, President Obama’s impeachment, and more doughnuts to local judges until the power was disconnected on Monday. Continue reading →

Charles and Tara Carreon Drop the Lawsuits But Turn up the Crazy

By now most of you are familiar with the internet dispute between TheOatmeal.com creator Matt Inman and FunnyJunk.com lawyer Charles Carreon. I won’t rehash the whole episode here, but you can find a good recap at Arstechnica.com. Last week Carreon dropped his defamation suit against Inman, but apparently his internet campaign is just beginning. Continue reading →

Welcoming The End of the World

Jesus answered: Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, I am the Messiah, and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Matthew 24:4-8

Continue reading →

Fun With Wingnuts: The United Nations is Coming for Your Children!

Nothing gets a wingnut angrier than the idea that someone, somewhere might threaten the Murican Constitution. Apparently the country (and in fact the whole world) is full of people who have nothing better to do than sit around scheming about how they are going to take away the rights of Real Americans who live in Real America.

A particularly menacing bogeyman in the wingnut mind is The United Nations. Formed after WWII to prevent the kinds of free for all human slaughter we had during the war, the UN has always been a source of deep right wing suspicion. It’s also always been a great source for fund raising campaigns for wingnut groups who promise to save you from the Blue Helmet Menace.

Watch out! They have guns they're not allowed to shoot you with.

The latest focus of bat shit insanity is the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. The Convention is so controversial that it has been ratified by every UN member except the US and Somalia. It is also supported by total assholes like Oxfam, UNICEF, and the Rhode Island State Legislature. Wingnuts claim that the Convention will rob parents of their rights and allow their kids to become Satanist abortion-addicts who can take them to court when they can’t borrow the car. In reality the Convention prohibits the use of children as soldiers, prostitutes, and porn stars. The only real problem for the US is that it prohibits the execution of minors, and I guess it is really important for us to be able to snuff out 14 year olds for some reason.

Fortunately for America parentalrights.org has stepped forward to keep the UN from dispatching troops to steal our kids and sending them to the EU for reeducation. These patriots have a You Tube account, and they are going to protect you from an organization that nobody listens to and that lacks any enforcement powers. They are also trying to introduce a constitutional amendment preventing enforcement of the treaty, but only Jim DeMint (lulz) seems interested. So what if the UN is trying to create a legal frame work that would punish those who force kids into the battlefield or the brothel, foreigners make us uncomfortable. I can’t imagine why every one else in the world thinks we are such a bunch of jerks. Here’s a little paranoia to get your red, white, and blue blood boiling.

Tonight in the WingNutverse

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Well, it has been an exciting week in politics. There was revolution in Egypt, scandal in the House of Representatives, and probably a lot of secret, gay sex at CPAC. All of the usual pundits have weighed in with the predictable, self-serving “analysis.” However, if we want some really entertaining commentary we need to transport ourselves to the less lucid part of the Internet. We need to take a trip to the WingNutverse. Here’s a smattering about the topics that are important to the batshit crazy tonight:

At Glenn Beck’s The Blaze, Glenn explains how the Egyptian revolution is all a conspiracy against Israel and will kill us all. I think, he’s really hard to follow. Anyway, he includes this handy organizational chart to clear the whole thing up.

Best quote: “I hope these things don’t happen, but I fear they will.”

Bonus points: He blames The New York Times.

Over at Newsmax (home to Ann Coulter) they want to give you the truth about Islam. Their hard-hitting report addresses important issues:

  • Home-grown terrorists and their “stealth jihad”
  • A violent struggle for Shariah in Detroit
  • Rape and murder — disturbing incidents “justified” by Shariah

Are you terrified yet? Want to know more? It will only cost you $4.95 to find out. Waiting only means that someone will rape and kill your family.

Bonus points: You do get a free radio with your order. I’m not kidding, follow the link.

Let’s go to Andrew Breitbart’s Big Government (hold me). Tonight we are discussing how the presidential nominating process could favor Donald Trump (I am going to need you to keep holding me). Apparently The Donald has the media savvy and star power to capture the Republican nomination (fuck it, just shoot me).

However: BG’s crazy readers are skeptical.

Bonus points: This is how much I hate Mr. Breitbart.

All right, that’s enough with the scary stories tonight. Let’s all go back to celebrating Egypt, being reasonable, and pretending these people don’t exist.