29 posts

Hey, Look What the GOP Snuck into the Trash Late Friday!

Why it’s the House Intelligence Committee’s massive Benghazi Inquiry! Sitting out there in the Friday news dump a whole report about Benghazi led by the Republicans. You know the one, the one that was going to topple President Born-to-Lie OrWe’llBlameHimAnyway and his right hand Benghazi stooge, Former Secretary Hillary ClintonCoverup. Well, none of that happened. Actually the opposite of that happened. Continue reading

Who IS America’s Hottest Attorney General?

California Attorney General Kamala Harris
California Attorney General Kamala Harris

President Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy when he described California Attorney General Kamala Harris “as by far, the best looking attorney general.” Um, Mr. President? That’s not the kind of thing you’re supposed to say. You’re supposed to be better than that. We might expect Bill Clinton to say things like “Check out the gams on that deputy assistant secretary of agriculture!” But not you. We elected you because you’re not a skanky man-whore like Bill Clinton or a gibbering rodeo clown eating a shit sandwich like George W. Bush. Continue reading

Why Does Satan on History Channel’s “The Bible” Look Like Obama?

Have you been watching The Bible on the History Channel? We’ve been treated to Noah gathering beasts, Pharaoh being a total prick for no reason whatsoever and Jesus wandering through the desert for 40 days after John (the baptists) baptizes him. It’s all your favorite stories from the bible in HD.

Also, Satan looks like Obama. Wait, what? Continue reading

Mitt Romney Joins Legions of Republicans with Post-Election Sour Grapes with Own Sour Grapes

While the president today in a press conference stated his desire to work with Mitt Romney, the failed politician who vied for the presidency decided it would be a good opportunity to discuss all the “gifts” the president gave out to the electorate for their vote. Oh, yeah, he meant specifically to minorities. Continue reading

Election Night Live Blog: Which Half of the Country Will Hate Tonight’s Outcome?

Rich but Empty Calories Always Give Me HeartburnTwelve months of campaigning, billions of dollars in campaign spending and enough enough hacktastic advertising to shame even the slimiest local used car dealer finally comes to a head tonight. Based on the stories already coming out of the several states, fraught with reports of broken down voting machines and attempts at disenfranchisement, this is shaping up to be a long, painful night for all those involved.

As your intrepid live-blogger is a full-on masochist (he is a Cleveland Browns fan, after all), he will bring you all of tonight’s punditry, pontification and premature fapping at Florida going for Romney.

The polls start closing down at 7:30, but it seems plausible that many states will have voters going well past that based on them getting in line ahead of poll closings. We’ll start the party around 8:30, but feel free to bathe in your own vodka-glow in the comments before that.  Continue reading

The Only Presidential Debate Recap You’ll Need to Read

Willard Mittonicum Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men, debated Barack Obama, President of the United States,  before a crowd of nitwits, ne’er-do-wells, Richard Dreyfus impersonators, mildly unhappy women, short-term memory loss sufferers, and a kid named Jeremy at the Manhattan Clam Chowder Institute in Montauk on Tuesday.

This was their second debate. The first debate, in Denver, was something of a disaster for Obama. Bill Clinton had given him some terrible debate advice at the previous week’s Presidential Poker Game in the White House basement rumpus room. “Before ah whupped ol’ man Bush,” the ex-president declaimed, his mouth full of ranch dip, “ah et a whole turkey. You eatcha a WHOLE turkey, right before your debate, and you’ll tan ol’ Mitty’s ass. Also, don’t wear no underwear. It’ll make ya feel looser, think better.” Clinton liked to talk like a yokel because it infuriated Jimmy Carter and threw him off his game. Obama was skeptical of the turkey plan, but Clinton’s poker advice had been spot-on. Jimmy Carter bluffed constantly, and the robot with FDR’s brain NEVER bluffed. Obama decided that maybe Clinton’s debate tips were good, too. This was a mistake. Continue reading

Debate Live Blog: Did the President Learn From Joe Biden?

As America limps towards the Presidential election, we find ourselves as divided a nation as ever. Conservatives and Progressives argue daily over everything-taxes, climate change, health care and a list of issues that never seems to end. Most Americans have long since decided where they stand, and damned if any debate changes that.

Fortunately, tonight’s town hall-style debate audience will have none of those Americans. Instead, we get a debate moderated by an anchor from America’s lamest cable network, populated by our lamest Americans: The undecided voters. We all know the type-unsure of who they will vote for, despite the fact that the President is an incumbent and Mitt Romney has been campaigning for this job since before we knew what an iPhone was.  Continue reading

How Scared Are We For Tonight’s Debate?!

Let’s not even check to see what Andrew Sullivan is doing. We have the feeling he’ll be watching the debate in airplane “kiss your ass goodbye” position and that’s helpful for no one. But what we can say is that according to all the pundits, everywhere, this debate could mean the difference between staying in your home come January or booking that one-way ticket to Costa Rica. Good God! Did Rush Limbaugh ever buy a home there?! Continue reading