Chris Christie

9 posts

Cheers and Bloating on the Campaign Trail ’16

Yesterday, your humble correspondent went undercover disguised as a New Hampshire voter — corduroy pants, L.L. Bean sweater and sensible winter footwear — as distinct from the pack of campaign reporters flown in from places like the District of Columbia and Brooklyn, dressed in skinny jeans, striped dress shirts, slim-cut blazers and overlong, square-toed dress shoes. Continue reading

GOP New Hampshire 2016 Debate Recap

nh candidates-6Last night, the surviving GOP candidates met in New Hampshire, America’s quaint Christmas village, for the final debate before the doom-bringing of the New Hampshire primaries. The candidates included America’s most loathesome Canadian, Texas senator Rafael Theodosius Cruz, JC Penney’s Boys Department suit model and part-time junior varsity senator Marco Rubio, anger-spirit and claymation-Christmas-special villain Donald Trump, living Quaalude Ben Carson, and a trio of battered governors: son-of-a-mailman John Kasich, Harkonnen-on-the-Hudson Chris Christie, and sad deflated balloon animal Jeb! Bush. It was not the best of nights for the boy senator. Continue reading

GOP Debate Live Blog Hellfest: Debatepocalyse Now

debatepocalypse-16R-2aThe hucksters, has-beens, never-was-es, and other assorted homunculi who make up the GOP presidential primary circus are gathering tonight in Las Vegas for another debate. Which of the tiny people will dare assault towering front-runner/cartoon villain Donald Trump? Buttery-soft Canadian Ted Cruz? Empty JC Penney’s Boy’s Collection suit and part-time senator Marco Rubio? What about fading shell-of-a-man John Ellis Bush? Will he land any blows with his soft little aristocratic fists? Oh, and the fat dude, the crazy doctor, and the mean lady will also be there. Join as we gaze in wonder at the whackadoodle spewing from their pie holes! You can enjoy the horror show here at CNN at 8:30 PM.

The 2016 Election is Coming!

Sure, the corpses of the fallen in the 2014 election are scarce cold in their political graves, but hey, the Iowa caucuses are a mere 53 weeks away. 2016 is coming! On the Democratic side, it’s still not clear which obscure weirdo Hillary Clinton will blow her prohibitive lead to, but the Republican side is shaping up to be quite the busy clown orgy. Let’s gaze in dismay at this gabbling horror of potential GOP 2016 candidates! Continue reading

Sarah Palin Discusses the State of Chris Christie’s Panties

Do you think she just sits home and waits for the best time to emerge from an entombed sarcophagus like some sort of be-fouled, hair demon, so she can burble all her stupid mouth dribbles into the ear holes of the ridiculous Right while they sop up every harebrained comment and show it off to all their friends like the “Thanks for playing!” trophy all players get for their little league participation? Yes, yes, this is probably exactly what happens. Who knew she also watches Meet the Press? Continue reading

Gingrich Releases Tax Information in Wake of Chris Christie’s Attempted Takedown

Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Chris Christie, or Governor Cheesesteak Britches, flapped his jaws about how much of a shitty president Newt Gingrich would be. And to that the rest of the world rolled their eyes into a coma, since this isn’t news. This is more like telling us Newt Gingrich is a philandering, racist, prick hole, who advocates for child labor and a myriad other arcane and insane ideas that will end in his putting his squat form on top of a mountain of poor people while they cart his bloated corpus to and fro like some sort of lunatic king of brain farts. Don’t tell us things we already know, Christie! Tell us how to stop him! Continue reading

Will He or Won’t He? Chris Christie, Coy Media Darling

I think we all just won a date with Chris Christie. Well, that’s what the media would like anyway. Sure, yes, we get it. The Republican presidential candidate field is littered with wishy-washy, strange jokers, who can’t go more than two weeks without some sort of gaffe, image problem, or just plain inability to connect with more than just the Tea Party. So some Republicans are frustrated, but even more to the point, the media is just beside itself with trying to latch onto a candidate that actually offers a consistent message, and a measure of stately, unshakeable, staunch republicanism that can actually take Obama to the mat.

Enter the makings of a savior, Chris Christie. Continue reading