Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Chris Christie, or Governor Cheesesteak Britches, flapped his jaws about how much of a shitty president Newt Gingrich would be. And to that the rest of the world rolled their eyes into a coma, since this isn’t news. This is more like telling us Newt Gingrich is a philandering, racist, prick hole, who advocates for child labor and a myriad other arcane and insane ideas that will end in his putting his squat form on top of a mountain of poor people while they cart his bloated corpus to and fro like some sort of lunatic king of brain farts. Don’t tell us things we already know, Christie! Tell us how to stop him!
Not that it really matters. Christie doesn’t really have our best interests at heart, after all he’s only speaking out because his overlord master android, The Mittney RoboTron 4,000, has offered him all the free bologna and helicopter rides he can handle for the small price of his fealty and perhaps an occasional can of New Jersey’s best petrol fresh from the stinking, detestable oil refineries that litter the corrupt ass boil of the Garden State. Sunday, the Mitt Romney supplicant lambasted the pork fed Former Speaker by attacking his character and all the dastardly deeds he performed as lord of the Republican monster-trolls during his tenure.
“We all know the record,” Christie said. “He was run out of the speakership by his own party. He was fined $300,000 for ethics violations. This is a guy who has had a very difficult political career at times and has been an embarrassment to the party…I don’t need to regale the country with that entire list again except to say this: I’m not saying he will do it again in the future, but sometimes past is prologue.”
He also called Newt an embarrassment, which is true. While Mittney RoboTron is a rich, decadent robot made of the finest scavenged parts in all of Gateway Station, like Bishop, the almost survivor of LV-426 along with Lieutenant Ellen Ripley, Corporal Hicks, and Newt, the appealing one, apparently in Christie’s view it’s better to be an automaton cash receptacle than a monstrous porcine hell guard. RoboTron’s biggest failing to date is the fact that he has no emotion, is a scurrilous cash-machine, and laughs at the peons on every moon who aren’t gifted with a spectacular tax rate, and all the free Apple upgrades they could ever desire.
Now since Chris Christie, lard-filled cackling buffoon, has raised the specter of Gingrich’s pitiless record, and the fact that he’s like a reviled sixth toe on the foot of the GOP which marks him as either a witch or a simpleton, he’s taken to retaliate against Christie’s claims. He’d like everyone to visit his enchanted website to find out how many acorns and gold doubloons he has in his coffers.
Now, my taxes are posted at Newt.org. You can go see them. I helped found — I helped create the Thomas system. You can go online. You can see a 1,300-page report on the ethics investigation. By the way, it’s been pointed out that in every single count, I was exonerated. And, in fact, after the case, remember that Nancy Pelosi and others were on that committee. After the case, a federal judge, the Federal Election Commission and the Internal Revenue Service — all three exonerated me. So this was a political game.
Nancy Pelosi! Cue the wolf howls from the GOP faithful. 1,300 page report? Does it say, “Newt, 2 Fabulous, 2 Eva, B-Forgotten” on it too like a High School Yearbook? Pfftt. Hopefully we’ll find some line item dedicated solely to Tiffany’s so we can also call Gingrich a money-hoarding, destroyer of worlds.
* Just what the hell is that look Romney has on his face? It looks like he wants to make a Holiday ham out of Christie. Am I wrong?
