Cheers and Bloating on the Campaign Trail ’16

Yesterday, your humble correspondent went undercover disguised as a New Hampshire voter — corduroy pants, L.L. Bean sweater and sensible winter footwear — as distinct from the pack of campaign reporters flown in from places like the District of Columbia and Brooklyn, dressed in skinny jeans, striped dress shirts, slim-cut blazers and overlong, square-toed dress shoes.

First stop: a Chris Christie town hall at Hampton Academy in Hampton, NH. Actually, the first stop was a Dunkin’ Donuts just down U.S. 1, because “New England runs on Dunkin'” — apparently because there is no Starbucks in the area.

As your humble correspondent wishes to refrain from easy jokes at the expense of Christie’s physique (clocking in at a newly svelte 300 or so), he will simply note that, when the couple in front of him ordered two donuts of a certain type, the counterperson exclaimed excitedly, “You got the last two!” At a donut shop. Just down the road from a Christie event.

Moving along . . .

The event starts with Bon Jovi’s “No Apologies” blasting from the sound system. The music ends abruptly, and a baby screams. It’s unclear whether she’s crying because someone stopped Captain Kid’s crooning or because State Senator Nancy Stiles — proud sponsor of a bill “suspending the water and air pollution control facility property tax exemption” and a 30-year veteran of the local school-nutrition front lines — has begun speaking.

Next up is Christie’s fellow member of the GOP Gubernatorial No-neck Caucus, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan. I think we all remember his sure-footed, inspiring leadership in the wake of the controversial death of Freddie Gray in Baltimore, leadership Christie will soon hold out as an example to the decidedly un-Freddie-Gray-resembling slice of the Republican electorate assembled here today.

Governor Hogan asks, “How about that debate last night?” and then roars, “Who do you want to beat Hillary Clinton?!?!?!”

Someone yells, “BERNIE!”

Hogan informs us, “I would not be Maryland Governor without this man,” which he presumably hopes sounds more like praise in New Hampshire than it might in Baltimore or Annapolis.

Christie takes the mic and tells us: “Baltimore didn’t burn to the ground. That’s the kind of leader we need in this country.”

He then launches into an extended metaphor about a shiny new truck (which seems to be Marco Rubio). You like your new truck, but when the first snowfall happens and you get stuck, you suddenly miss your old truck, which had a few dents and scratches and smelled not so good (which seems to be Chris Christie?).

“No one can throw mud like Hillary Clinton. I’m gonna get in that truck and I’m gonna run her right over on my way to the White House!” Smell the truck, Hillary. SMELL THE TRUCK!

Secret Service swept this cafeteria for food in advance of town hall.
Secret Service swept this cafeteria for food in advance of town hall.

“As Governor, there are times when the phone rings at 10:00, 11:00 at night.”

Is it Domino’s? No, it’s Steve Sweeney, the Democratic leader of the New Jersey State Senate. Smelly truck is there at 11:00 p.m. to answer that call, and possible to run over Senate President Steve Sweeney on his way to the White House.

In an obvious jab at Rubio, Christie says that, if elected, “I would not spin around in the chair and say, ‘Gee whiz, I get to be president!’ I’d look at my chief of staff and say, ‘Let’s get to work.'” Sounds like being Christie’s VP selection will be an afterthought, at best.

Christie can work across the aisle (and across the window and middle seats, one presumes). Nancy Pelosi can steal the M&Ms on Air Force One when he’s president. (Jesus Christ, don’t do it, Nancy!)

“I’ll send my Vice President out to meet with small business owners in public forums across the country.” Not quite Chief-of-Staff-level work, that, but you take what you can get, right, Vice President Jeb!?

Someone asks how Christie would fix the bureaucracy at the Department of Agriculture. Really? Someone just happens to ask how Governor Sammiches will shake up the agency that enforces the Federal Meat Inspection Act of 1906? Or was this guy an obvious plant (agriculture puns are the corniest!)?

Christie managed to fill a cafeteria — um, anyway, he filled a big room at a school. It was a pretty impressive crowd for a guy running maybe fourth, on a good poll day.

Next stop, Great Bay Community College.

That’s a lot of fossil fuel to Bern!
That’s a lot of fossil fuel to Bern!

HOLY SHIT BERNIE IS A ROCK STAR! There was Secret Service milling about the Christie event, but at this Sanders rally, there are armored Suburbans, uniformed Secret Service in urban combat fatigues, metal detectors, cordoned off parking lot areas, and overflow-overflow parking. It’s a revival. I ended up in an overflow room (another cafeteria, coincidentally enough).

So, long story short: 1% bad, Koch brothers bad, Goldman Sachs bad, school good, I WANT TO BELIEVE HOLY SHIT I SAID THIS YEAR I WAS NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THE INSPIRING IDEALIST I FEEL THE BERN I AM VOTING FOR THIS GUY!

Close enough to reach out and touch the glass separating us from the candidate.
Close enough to reach out and touch the glass separating us from the candidate.

“People will be asking what happened in New Hampshire. What they will be asking is not just who won, Hillary or Bernie. They will be asking whether the people of NH are willing to lead this country in a revolution.”

As the day began with Bon Jovi, after Bernie says, “Thank you!” the air fills with David Bowie’s “Starman.”

Images by the author.

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