Panic in Detroit! Enjoy the latest GOP debate hellfest! See America’s Most Hated Canadian pummel the Great Orange Monster with his soft little fists! Watch the wee Boy Senator make poopy face! Hear homespun bullshit from that other guy! Mourn the absence of the smooooth soft jazz stylings of Dr Ambien! Starts at 9:00 Eastern on Fox News. You can live stream it here. Continue reading
GOP Clown Show
13 posts
Tonight the surviving Republican preztestants leave the harsh frozen maple wastes of New Hampshire and go to the swampy seditious mire of South Carolina, home of the next primary. Who will take on gargantuan cartoon colossus Donald Trump? Unlikeable Canadian Ted Cruz? Flavor-of-the-week John Kasich? Shorted-out sadness droid-child Marco Rubio? Ghostly apparition Jebulon Bush? Watch and mock/weep! The debate is on CBS at 9:00 Eastern. You can watch the stream here. Continue reading
New Jersey governor and gravitational phenomenon Chris Christie has taken the cannolis and left the presidential race after coming in a disappointing thirty-second place in the New Hampshire primary. Continue reading
Iowa has spoken! Ted Cruz has bathed in the sacred ethanol and been annointed by Iowa’s pig-men. Let’s commence with the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Continue reading
Koch Industries Resource Extraction Specialist and part-time Wisconsin governor Scott Walker took the last train to Pawlentyville and exited the presidential race on Monday. Continue reading
The clowns have assembled at the Ronald Reagan Shrine in Trickledown, California for another session of electoral debasement. Watch governors quake in terror at the Orange menace! Gawk in horror at the reagan fellating! Let’s weep with despair for our country mock them together!
The number of official 2016 presidential candidates doubled Tuesday when Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced he will challenge Canadian Ted Cruz for the GOP nomination. At CornCon in Des Moines, Iowa, Paul drove his ethanol-powered sportscar, Goldbug, onto the floor of cavernous Hall D of the Polk County Civic Center, emerging to thunderous applause to the crowd of Star Trek cosplayers and hangers-on who were actually expecting George Takei and whatshisname from Star Trek: Voyager. Continue reading
Eccentric Canadian citizen Rafael “Ted” Cruz announced he will run for the Presidency of the United States. Cruz, who was born in a foreign country and is as ineligible to hold the office of president as say, Fidel Castro or Mitt Romney’s dad, is much-beloved by as much as 4% of the GOP electorate, and is expected to be a serious contender for the GOP nomination until actual primaries begin and real votes are cast. Cruz, a Canadian, represents Texas, the place he lives now, not Canada, the foreign land of his birth, in the US senate. Continue reading
The 2016 presidential race has claimed it’s first casualty (if you don’t count Paul Ryan, which, of course, I’m not). Willard Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and professional collector of electoral defeats, erstwhile Lord Protector of the Olympics and governor of a state he will not name, has decided not to compete for Nixon Crown of Double Nomination and seek the 2016 GOP nomination.
On Friday, Romney emerged from the Hall of Audiences in Castle Romney, his mountain fastness hewn from the very living rock high in the Utah Alps. Surrounded by House Romney retainers, with a light snow dusting their aluminum battle armor, Romney addressed a small surprised crowd of freshman journalism majors from Utah Alps Community College who were there filming a documentary no one would watch for a class they all bitterly regretted taking. He mounted the rostrum where the father of his organic components, George Romney, had once announced that he would challenge thrice-damned dark mage Richard Nixon for the 1968 GOP nomination. “My friends!” he shouted, though truthfully, no one there was his friend. “I shall not be your president!” he cried, as though everyone had not already known this for several years. Continue reading
Sure, the corpses of the fallen in the 2014 election are scarce cold in their political graves, but hey, the Iowa caucuses are a mere 53 weeks away. 2016 is coming! On the Democratic side, it’s still not clear which obscure weirdo Hillary Clinton will blow her prohibitive lead to, but the Republican side is shaping up to be quite the busy clown orgy. Let’s gaze in dismay at this gabbling horror of potential GOP 2016 candidates! Continue reading