New Jersey governor and gravitational phenomenon Chris Christie has taken the cannolis and left the presidential race after coming in a disappointing thirty-second place in the New Hampshire primary.
The governor emerged from his New Jersey residence yesterday afternoon in his bathrobe, reeking of gin and sadness, clutching newspapers in his ham-like fists. “Isn’t that just friggin’ great!” he exclaimed to a small cluster of journalists who had somehow angered their editors and been assigned to the unglamorous Christie beat. “Son of a friggin’ bitch!” the governor cried, his bulky body wobbling unsteadily. He waved the newspapers in his hands. each of them had a headline with his name and some variation of the word “loser.” “You’re all friggin’ welcome! I’m out! You happy? You friggin’ owe me, George Pa…Kasich. Whatever. I TOOK ONE FOR YOU! I PUNCHED A KID! RIGHT IN THE BALLS! FOR YOU! I BETTER BE AMBASSADOR TO SOMEPLACE WHERE THE FOOD IS REALLY GOOD!” He was presumably referring to his man-handling of Senator Marco Rubio at last Saturday’s debate, and not some previously unreported child-beating. The governor then stumbled over to a large Christie campaign sign and tried unsuccessfully to pull it from the ground, shouting “SON OF A BITCH!” over and over, until he finally fell in the mud and began weeping. Aides then dragged him, screaming, back into the residence. A spokesman denied that this in fact was an endorsement of Ohio governor John Kasich, who finished second behind anger-sprite and living stop-motion-animated-Christmas-special villain Donald Trump.
This was not the governor’s first public display of violence. In 1998, Christie, a song-and-dance man before turning to politics, was nominated for a Tony for his portrayal of Clemenza in the Broadway production of the musical, Godfather! When he lost to Martin Short, who played Fredo, he became enraged and flipped over a table at Sardi’s and punched Mathew Broderick, whom the enraged and drunken future governor mistook for Short.
Christie is expected to return to his job as governor of New Jersey, even though he has approval ratings slightly below chlamydia and slightly above both Hitler and testicular cancer.
