Humor – Page 8 – Crasstalk

The Only Presidential Debate Recap You’ll Need to Read

Willard Mittonicum Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men, debated Barack Obama, President of the United States, before a crowd of nitwits, ne’er-do-wells, Richard Dreyfus impersonators, mildly unhappy women, short-term memory loss sufferers, and a kid named Jeremy at the Manhattan Clam Chowder Institute in Montauk on Tuesday.

This was their second debate. The first debate, in Denver, was something of a disaster for Obama. Bill Clinton had given him some terrible debate advice at the previous week’s Presidential Poker Game in the White House basement rumpus room. “Before ah whupped ol’ man Bush,” the ex-president declaimed, his mouth full of ranch dip, “ah et a whole turkey. You eatcha a WHOLE turkey, right before your debate, and you’ll tan ol’ Mitty’s ass. Also, don’t wear no underwear. It’ll make ya feel looser, think better.” Clinton liked to talk like a yokel because it infuriated Jimmy Carter and threw him off his game. Obama was skeptical of the turkey plan, but Clinton’s poker advice had been spot-on. Jimmy Carter bluffed constantly, and the robot with FDR’s brain NEVER bluffed. Obama decided that maybe Clinton’s debate tips were good, too. This was a mistake. Continue reading →

Craigslost: It Wasn’t Even a Big Dick

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy, but here’s my bath salts-fueled midget gang bang in the Taco Bell parking lot, so call me maybe.

This week Slim and I found so many insane Craigslist ads that we couldn’t help but ponder what the world would be like if it operated on the social norms of Casual Encounters, Strictly Platonic and other insane CL.com forums. Every single worker in the economy would make a living posing for “erotic art photoz” and the housing market would be based on skeevy dudes offering rooms to vulnerable single ladies “who just need a little help.” Shiver. It’d basically be like “Children of Men,” but with more ball gags.

OK, now that our dystopian vision has brought the frisson, let’s get to the fuckery.

Warning: Craigslost is NSFW. Continue reading →

Battle of the Running Mates

A week after Willard Romney overclocked his untruth modules and scampered energetically around the sleeping President during the debate in Denver, the two vice-presidential candidates met for a debate in the pleasantly whisky-scented auditorium at Yokelburg State College in Kentucky. Vice President Joe Biden’s goal was to stop weeping Democrats from jumping off of ledges. “Atlas Shrugs” cosplayer Paul Ryan wanted to show everybody he was all growed up. Continue reading →

The Memeing of Paul Ryan’s Most Awesome Workout Ever! Has Begun

Well, that took no time at all. We asked for it, and we got it. Paul Ryan’s douchiest ever pics showcasing him in full blown backwards hat-punchable face regalia have left a comic stain on the Internet that will haunt him forever. Hopefully. Continue reading →

Obama-Romney Debate Live Blog

With only five weeks until the election, the GOP’s point of no return zipped past in the rearview weeks ago. About the time Mitt Romney spent a muggy night in Tampa following up the weirdest public display by a senior citizen since Reagan’s second term with a bore-fest, the tide started turning against America’s favorite Mormon-Plutocratic-Android.

Tonight, that could all change. Mitt Romney could give the performance of a life time, the President could have a ‘Kill Whitey’ moment, and Ann Romney could spend Thursday morning planning for ways to keep ‘you people’ away from the Executive Mansion. Continue reading →

Prepping for the Presidential Debate: The View From Castle Romney

In his mountain fastness of Castle Romney, high in the windswept Utah Alps, Willard Mittonicum Jackasticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and Republican Presidential nominee, prepared for the first Presidential debate. His campaign is in something of a shambles, and his advisors were hoping Romney could turn it around with a non-crappy performance at the debate. Continue reading →

What Tim Cook’s Maps Apology Really Says

Tim Cook has written a nice letter to all the people who have upgraded to iOS 6 and are disappointed by the new Apple Maps application.

But what if you could read his inner thoughts and cut through to what he really means. Like some sort of magic lens that shows the true words. You’re in luck because our crack team of truthers has uncovered the original document!

Continue reading →

Good God. This is the Scariest Photo You’ll See All Day

Joe Biden, or Uncle Gaffey as some of us like to call him, is known for his congenial nature; his ability to mingle with the regular folk, sip a beer, riff with the working man about his life in Scranton, PA, while getting real up close and comfortable. He likes to have your undivided attention when he’s sharing all his stories. Anything less, apparently, just won’t do. Well, this all may be a little too much for one senior citizen. Behold. Continue reading →

Ann Romney’s Lifetime Movie Moment

Do you know what happens during presidential campaigns? Well, there’s a winner and a loser. And throughout the course of the battle, in order to identify said winner or loser, there will be scrutiny, negative ads, debates, media coverage, criticisms, and a whole bevy of commentary that will try and out one or the other as the loser. Continue reading →

How to Hunt a Wild Conservative

Proper way to bait a wild conservative into a debate…

1. Approach cautiously, wild conservatives are a skittish lot. Hold out your hand a tell a small lie like “I never thought of it that way” or “Wow you are making a really good point”

2. Build up a small rapport with him over something. This is very easy to do as they are always looking for allies to help them from the liberal hordes. Tell him you think Reagan had great hair, or that Rick Santorum is your hero. Continue reading →