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The Only Presidential Debate Recap You’ll Need to Read

Willard Mittonicum Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men, debated Barack Obama, President of the United States,  before a crowd of nitwits, ne’er-do-wells, Richard Dreyfus impersonators, mildly unhappy women, short-term memory loss sufferers, and a kid named Jeremy at the Manhattan Clam Chowder Institute in Montauk on Tuesday.

This was their second debate. The first debate, in Denver, was something of a disaster for Obama. Bill Clinton had given him some terrible debate advice at the previous week’s Presidential Poker Game in the White House basement rumpus room. “Before ah whupped ol’ man Bush,” the ex-president declaimed, his mouth full of ranch dip, “ah et a whole turkey. You eatcha a WHOLE turkey, right before your debate, and you’ll tan ol’ Mitty’s ass. Also, don’t wear no underwear. It’ll make ya feel looser, think better.” Clinton liked to talk like a yokel because it infuriated Jimmy Carter and threw him off his game. Obama was skeptical of the turkey plan, but Clinton’s poker advice had been spot-on. Jimmy Carter bluffed constantly, and the robot with FDR’s brain NEVER bluffed. Obama decided that maybe Clinton’s debate tips were good, too. This was a mistake. Continue reading

Lady-Person of “Binders Full of Women” Fame Tweets Like a Boss

During Tuesday’s much talked about Townhall debate, undecided voter Katherine Fenton asked a question about equal pay for women in the workplace. This complex, convoluted question forced Mitt Romney to accidentally reveal his secret binders full of women to the electorate. Unfair!

According to the bizarro rules of the conservative media world, the next logical step is to discredit the questioner by destroying that person publicly. After some flimsy attempts to connect her to Feminazism, the crack investigative team at the Washington Free Beacon studied Ms Fenton’s twitter account and discovered some damning information. Continue reading

GOP Debate Recap: The Clown Show Goes to Jacksonville

Newt Gingrich enjoys campaigning in North Florida.

The candidates met in Jacksonville, Florida’s most charmless city, to once again argue about who is least unlikeable. Gingrich is hoping to build on the momentum from South Carolina, where he was less despised than Romney. Romney wants to score some sort death-blow on the loathsome space-beast who stands between him and the nomination that is RIGHTFULLY HIS. Poor morose sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum want to recapture the glory days of Iowa, when HE was popular. Santorum is tired of being the Jan to Romney’s Marcia, and now, to make matters worse, Newt Gingrich is suddenly…Greg, or Davy Jones, or something. It’s not fair. He doesn’t want to blow this thing, and have his damned kids start blubbering, and have his wife give him THAT LOOK. He can’t stand it. Screw you, Romney! SCREW YOU! And the neither-living-nor-dead specter that stoner-hobos and Burning Man-enthusiasts call Ron Paul? He is here because he must be. He is not motivated by the gross lusts of Gingrich or the passionate anger of Santorum, for passion is a trait of the young, and Ron Paul is old, so very old. The gold, the lost gold of Osiris drives him, and his soul aches with an emptiness you cannot imagine. Continue reading

GOP Debate Recap: The Clown Show Goes to Tampa

The disgraced former House Speaker campaigns in Florida.

The unending horror that is Campaign 2012 lurches now into Florida, with loathsome space-criminal Newton Leroy Gingrich more-or-less the front runner again after savagely defragging hapless software glitch Willard “10k” Romney in South Carolina. Sweater-fetishist and reproductive-sex enthusiast Dick Santorum is hoping to catch up with the disgraced former House Speaker here in the wretched peninsula where all those Spanish conquistadores got malaria. Romney is just hoping not to get embarrassed again. Ron Paul left hope behind in the sands of his homeland, millennia ago, and he comes here because he cannot stop, until the temple gold is recovered, and his curse is lifted, and dread Horus calls him home.  Monday night, the candidates met in Tampa, near the spot where Hernando de Soto introduced the Calusa people to smallpox, for yet another one of their endless debates. Won’t these people ever shut up? The short answer, of course, is no. Continue reading

GOP Debate Liveblog: Cream of the Crop or Cream de la Crap?


Despite my conservative leanings, I don’t hold out much hope at being impressed by the motley crew that makes up the current GOP Presidential candidates.  Ever since my boy T-Paw left, I’ve been rather discouraged and I don’t think my mind will be changed tonight.

Here is tonight’s lineup:

Rick Perry – I hope this slick Texan has been doing squats as he is going to be the bottom of a big pile on. Can he maintain his Lone Star swagger?

Mitt Romney -Will the sparks muss up this man’s perfectly coiffed hair? Continue reading