In his mountain fastness of Castle Romney, high in the windswept Utah Alps, Willard Mittonicum Jackasticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and Republican Presidential nominee, prepared for the first Presidential debate. His campaign is in something of a shambles, and his advisors were hoping Romney could turn it around with a non-crappy performance at the debate.
“People loved Reagan. I must act like more like Reagan,” Romney announced at a tense practice session last week. “Reagan me! I command it!” His advisors shifted uncomfortably and stared at each other–all except Romney’s youthful ward, Paul Ryan, who was listening to the Atlas Shrugged audio-book on his iPod. Romney and his advisors started scrutinizing old videos of Reagan speeches and debate performances for inspiration. Romney took to shouting “MR. GORBACHEV! TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!” from the castle battlements. His cyberneticists tweaked his gesture emulators, and top teams of hair scientists worked feverishly to develop just the right shade of Reagan for Romney’s hair.
But the lofty goal of non-crappiness remained out of reach.
“Zingers,” Romney said, after one particularly crappy practice session.
“Zingers, sire?” Rinse Pubis, the GOP chairman asked uneasily.
“ZINGERS!” Romney shouted. “ZIngers! Reagan had zingers. When Reagan zinged Carter with ‘there you go again,’ all the air leaked out of that peanut-farming socialist. I must have zingers! Bring me zingers! Teach me humor! My knowledge of humor will lead me to victory!”
“That’s a good idea,” Paul Ryan remarked. “Like in the Next Generation episode where Data had the holodeck conjure up Joe Piscopo to teach him humor. We should totally do that. Joe Piscopo is a friend of mine. I’ll ask him to help us!” (Note: Like most of what Paul Ryan says, this is untrue. He has never met Joe Piscopo).
“Yes!” Romney said. “I have no idea what you just said, but yes! We should do that! Hire jokesters and makers of zingers! Get some actor down here to play Obama, and let me practice zinging him without mercy!” Paul Ryan was put in charge of finding someone to play Obama. Rinse Pubis glumly interviewed comedians and gag writers. He found to his horror that Morey Amsterdam–his first choice–was dead. Johnny Carson’s writers were either retired or rudely hung up on him. Dennis Miller, on the other hand, wouldn’t stop calling no matter how many times Pubis told him to quit. Romney practiced his shouting and gestures.
Finally, on the Monday before the Denver debate, a full-dress practice session was scheduled in the cavernous audience room in Castle Romney. Rinse Pubis and Morey Amsterdam’s grandson Jason scribbled one-liners on note cards. Paul Ryan showed up with the guy who played Lando in The Empire Strikes Back. He had wanted LeVar Burton, but he wasn’t able to contact Burton because of the restraining order. “What the hell is this?” the guy who played Lando asked as he was led into the hall. Ryan had told him he would be signing autographs at UtahCon. (Note: Like most of what Paul Ryan says, this was untrue).
“You are to be the villain in our mummer’s farce, Mr. LaForge!” Rinse Pubis told the guy who played Lando.
“Um,” Ryan said. “This isn’t that guy. This is someone else. Geordi LaForge was busy. Making a movie. Far away. In France.” (This was a lie).
“Look, man,” the guy who played Lando said,”I don’t know what kind of crazy scene y’all are into, but this isn’t my bag.”
“It’s nothing, it’s fine,” Ryan reassured the Lando guy as he led him to a podium . Romney made punching gestures. Morey Amsterdam’s grandson discreetly snorted some coke. Rinse Pubis brandished a picture of Obama and shouted to Romney: “This usurper is all that stands between you and your destiny, sire! The presidency is in your grasp! You need but take it! LET US BEGIN!”
“Haha!” Romney cried. “Take my wife if you please!”
“Look,” said the guy who played Lando. “I’m not entirely clear what it is you people want me to do.”
Pubis glared at him. “We rehearse Wednesday’s festivity. The debate. The governor plays himself, of course, and you are the dusky usurper. Obama.”
“You’re shitting me,” Lando said.
“I am not,” Pubis replied.
“Why did the communist cross the road?” Romney asked, apropos of nothing.
“I’m not doing that,” Lando said.
“To redistribute the wealth!” Romney said, chortling.
“You will do as you are bid or you will not get paid,” Pubis told Lando.
“Crap,” said Lando.
“You know what your problem is?” Romney asked Lando. “JIMMY CARTER, that’s what! Haha!”
“That doesn’t even make any damn sense,” Lando replied. “Well, a double JIMMY CARTER on you!”
Romney looked startled. “I…I…” he muttered. “I don’t have a response to that. Hey, Rinse, what do I do if he double Jimmy Carters me? ”
“This is going really well, I think, and I should know,” Paul Ryan interjected. “I was the national debate champion in high school.” (This was a lie).
“Shut up, asshole,” Lando told him. “This deal is getting worse and worse all the time. I can’t believe you screwed me like this. I turned down a gig on Law and Order: SVU for you! I was going to play a lovable rogue!”
The debate takes place Oct. 3, from 9:00-10:30 PM Eastern time. God have mercy on us all.
