craigslost – Crasstalk

Craigslost: It Wasn’t Even a Big Dick

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy, but here’s my bath salts-fueled midget gang bang in the Taco Bell parking lot, so call me maybe.

This week Slim and I found so many insane Craigslist ads that we couldn’t help but ponder what the world would be like if it operated on the social norms of Casual Encounters, Strictly Platonic and other insane CL.com forums. Every single worker in the economy would make a living posing for “erotic art photoz” and the housing market would be based on skeevy dudes offering rooms to vulnerable single ladies “who just need a little help.” Shiver. It’d basically be like “Children of Men,” but with more ball gags.

OK, now that our dystopian vision has brought the frisson, let’s get to the fuckery.

Warning: Craigslost is NSFW. Continue reading →

Craigslost: The Mouth is Back in Town

I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. I’d also like for people to stop being such filthy nasties on Craigslist. Personally, I think the possiblity of world peace brought on by our shared love of caramel-colored obesity juice is more likely.

So why don’t we embrace our trashy side and dig deep into the twisted cavern of human psychosis that is Craigslist. Let’s get to the fuckery!

Craigslost is NSFW. There are no obscene photos, however. Continue reading →

Craigslost: Anal Princesses, Down Bitches and the Perfect Nutrition

You thought I forgot about Craigslost? Hell and no!

Slim Pickens and I spent hours this week trawling the bottom of the human slime pond that is Craigslist to bring you another round of soul-crushing-yet-hilarious stories about ~~JO knife fights, sack-punching fetishes and manhood camping~~ the human condition.

Let’s get to the fuckery!

(Craigslost is NSFW but there’s no nudity, just sexual language.)

Continue reading →

Craigslost: All I Want For Christmas is a Midget Orgy Behind the Hardee’s Dumpster

One year when we were kids, my dad decided to mess with my brother and I in a way not unlike that Jimmy Kimmel video that has been making the rounds this week. He brought out a huge wrapped-up gift and stuck it under the tree. After every other gift had been opened, my brother and I tore the wrapping paper off and there it was — an entire pig’s head from a butcher shop. He thought this was hilarious… and YouTube hadn’t even been invented yet.

So Christmas brings out the crazy side in all of us and nowhere is that more evident than at the Shopping Mall of Perversion that is Craigslist. When Slim Pickens and I first kicked around the idea of a Christmas-themed Craigslost we honestly didn’t think we’d find nearly enough demented assholery and Freudian dysfunction for an entire post. Boy were we wrong. (Slim: Never before have I been so glad that I was wrong. I think.)

Let’s get to the fuckery! (Warning: Craigslost is NSFW.)

Continue reading →

Craigslost – Bots and Slim Finally Get the Band Back Together

We know how much you crazy kids love Craigslost. It’s a veritable institution, like 60 Minutes, or racism. But it so happens that the dark and perverted netherworld of Craigslist.org is simply too much for one man to trawl. Navigating the fine line between hilarious and disgusting is quite a workout.

Why is it so exhausting? Well first of all, the intrepid CL explorer has to learn all sorts of pervert shorthand. It’s probably a lot like being in the military. For example, when it says “BBC” in the title it’s not in fact an ad for Doctor Who fetishists. It actually means Big Black Cock. I learned that after innocently/stupidly clicking on the ad and being greeted with a giant picture of a BBC. I now have BBC PTSD.

So it’s a lot of hard work… and that’s why the legendary (and fellow ATLien) Slim Pickins has joined the Craigslost team. She put on her bio-hazard suit, strapped on the slime goggles and went digging with me for the best psycho-trash we could find. Let’s get to the fuckery!

Warning: Craigslost is NSFW.
Continue reading →

Craigslost: Seeking a Platonic Spanking Bud

1 comment

Hello kiddies. I see you’ve come back for more carnival of horrors. Apparently the JO Knifefights didn’t scare you off. (They should’ve.)

Well over the past few days I received a bunch of new Craigslost submissions from some of my favorite people in the world: Dancing Queen, BoobooKitteh, SusanBAwesome, GenderFenderBender and the inimitable Slim Pickens all sent me this week’s craziest free classified ad crap. So sit back, pour yourself a glass of leprechaun blood and admire the Hieronymous Bosch-ian tableau of nihilistic perversion and insanity that is Craigslist.

Let’s get to the fuckery! (Warning: Today’s Craigslost is very NSFW!) Continue reading →

Craigslost: Camping with the Fellas

Don’t you just love camping? The mosquito bites, the smell of marshmallows burning like molten lava, the weird people in the next campground over.

And you know who ruins camping? The ladies! What with their bear-attracting menstruation and need to possess so much of the air mattress’s surface area, they’re just not cut out for it. Sometimes men just need to be men. Together. Alone. In the woods. If you think this sounds gay, you’re completely wrong.

(Quick Warning: This week’s Craigslost might be NSFW. There is some questionable language but no obscene images.) Let’s get to the fuckery!

Continue reading →

Craigslost: We Are Your Friends

Friends. Who needs ’em? Well it turns out that we all need ’em. Without friends, who will bail us out of jail, run to CVS for the Morning After pill or send us those dirty text messages?

And you know who really needs friends? Craigslist People! In the Gathering of the Juggalos on Poppers-esque subterranean hellscape that is Craigslist, a “friend” is someone who is game for whatever random quasi-illegal fetish you’re into. It’s a beautiful thing, really.

Continue reading →

Craigslost: Hey Sexy Pregnant Ladies!

Craigslost is back! Somehow we survived the first edition of our ~~terrifying~~ exciting peek into the soul of America’s favorite creep-fest with fairly few outbreaks of horrible jungle-viruses.

If one truly wishes to understand the soul of Craigslist, you must try to imagine the most skeevy person you know. This is where a world where nothing is off-limits, where no sexual advance goes too far, where Anthony Weiner is considered a rank amateur. Are you scared yet? Because you should be!

Let’s get to the ~~good stuff~~ fuckery. Continue reading →

Craigslost: This Week’s Greatest Classified Ads Ever

I’ve been wanting to write about the amazingness that is Craigslist for the longest time. You see, I love Craigslist. I love it so bad that, in the eloquent words of one Craigslist poster, I want the site to bring the popcorn and leave its panties.

So I decided to do like all great journalists and ~~steal someone else’s idea~~ find inspiration from those who came before me. In this case, I was inspired by Amy Blair’s excellent (and sadly defunct) Week in Craig column at The Black Table and (later) Animal New York.

So that’s enough chit-chat. Bring on the fuckery! Continue reading →