Lauren – Page 57 – Crasstalk

Sarah Palin Writes Like an 8th Grader and Why This Isn’t as Funny as it Sounds

I’m not poring over all 24,000 Sarah Palin emails. That’s just lunacy. Especially since the political wonder team of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore think it’s a repulsive thing to do, because if you can’t use Kutcher and Moore as a barometer then you’re just doomed. But one thing that caught my eye is what’s been reported about her writing ability. You would think that the same person who wrote speaking notes on her palm and who has a habit of saying the equivalent of monkey-speech after being hit in the head with a log, could barely pick up a pen without becoming confused – But you would be wrong, so very wrong.

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Marie Antoinette Republicans to Low-Income Families, “Let Them Eat Azaleas!”

House Republicans are expected to vote this week for the fiscal year 2012 Agriculture appropriations bill, that has a provision on page 13 requiring the National Arboretum maintain a very specific portion of its azalea collection, because flowers are pretty and smell nice. Why does this matter? While provisions are being made to keep us fully stocked in flora, the bill would cut $832 million from the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) program which provides food assistance to low-income mothers and children nationwide. Continue reading →

Updated: How Long Before the ‘Weining’ Meme Gets Started?

Much like memes that have gone before it, like the most recent planking absurdity, it seems inevitable a ‘Weining’ meme will begin. I can just imagine it, can’t you? Since it’s been uncovered that Rep. Anthony Weiner has a cock shot in his bedroom, in his bathroom possibly, and now the House gym…where else do you think Weiner cock shots will turn up? Maybe on a boat! Maybe in Central Park! A Weiner on a field trip! Perhaps he’ll unveil his “Cock on the hood of a car” shot, or his “Cock in a sock” shot, or even his “Cock in a cockpit” shot. There’s just no telling where the Weiner cock will end up. Oops, wait. Look, there it is on a hibachi grill at a Japanese steak house! I bet this catches on. I bet it does. Oh, Weiner, you just give us new levels of lowness everyday. To some bored fifteen year-old, though, you’re probably a God.

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Game of Thrones Recap: Honor Thy Family

So it has come to this. Decisions will be made. Do you honor thy family, or do you complete your duty to the realm? These are the questions that haunt the men and women of Westeros and the outlying areas. There is much at stake, and one false move will topple all the pieces set in motion, and there is no going back. So what do you do?

Who is it that you are really living for? Continue reading →

Sarah Palin Thinks You Have $11.00 You’d Love to Shove in her Pocket

The queen of all media and synergistic brain vomit, Sarah Palin, would like you to come see her at the movies! Yes, I can’t think of a better way to lobotomize myself, so sure, let’s all go to the movies and watch Sarah Palin dance around with a crown of doughnuts on her head while she winks and garbles human language and just basically runs around in a movie about lies and magic hair bumpits. Fantastic!

On with the show!

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Coming Attractions: Knocked Up Part Two, Starring that Shruggy Girl, Kristen Stewart

As a vampire lore purist, I could sooo discuss the improbability of vampire-to-human impregnation, but that’s beside the point. Some of you will be squeeing all over yourselves with joy when this latest Stephenie Meyer Scooby-Doo Vampire Movie is released with all its yearning and angst-ridden stares.

Don’t lie. You know it’s true. Continue reading →

17 Things That Will Freak You Out!

I don’t ask for much. Maybe just a little calm and serenity to my day. I don’t usually get it, natch. However, there is nothing like saying goodbye to peace and goodwill by stumbling upon an article that just makes you say, “WTF?! That’s crazy. Thanks. If you want me I’ll be here under my bed with two cats, a sword, and a bible.”

Ladies and gents, I think we have a winner.

HuffPo Humor Writer, Eric Grzymkowski, has found seventeen gross and/or weird things that just have to be read. Mostly because I can’t be the only one with this information in my head.

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Recall Round-Up! Or: Ham Salad is Just Gross Anyway

Hey! Do you want to avoid Salmonella and all other manner of stomach mites that may make you very close personal friends with a toilet bowl until you want to die? Okay, then. Read this list of things that have recently been recalled because of their epic disgustingness, or propensity for cutting off a finger.

Yes, you, put down that vending machine ham salad sandwich and read this.

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Sexsomnia Is the Most Awesome Sleep Disorder Ever

Husbands all around the world just suddenly found something interesting about those sweat pants you sleep in. The possibility that you’ll take them off and want to have sex while you sleep! No? You don’t think so? How do you know? According to researchers, Sexsomnia can affect anyone. Do you know for sure that you aren’t afflicted with possibly the best sleep disorder ever? People! If your nocturnal emissions are uh, no longer a one person activity, have no fear. You’re not alone. Other people are boning in their sleep too.

Sex…too magical to be contained with consciousness. Continue reading →

Zombie Paul Revere Has a Message for Sarah Palin

After making a serious flub and mangling American history for all to see, you would think that a person would keep quiet, and you know, maybe let the story just fade into the ether without further comment or display of utter, complete asinine commentary. But, well, that wouldn’t be the Sarah Palin that we all know and love. No sirree. The Sarah Palin rule of thumb is to stick to your story no matter how silly, and hope all the magical beans and dumbfuckery that exists on Wikipedia will carry you through the embarrassing irony of speaking wrongly about historic America while you have the Constitution emblazoned on the side of your bus of miraculous stupid.

Paul Revere would like to have a word. Continue reading →