Hey! Do you want to avoid Salmonella and all other manner of stomach mites that may make you very close personal friends with a toilet bowl until you want to die? Okay, then. Read this list of things that have recently been recalled because of their epic disgustingness, or propensity for cutting off a finger.
Yes, you, put down that vending machine ham salad sandwich and read this.
Food Items:
Allison’s Gourmet Kitchens Inc. recalled about 22,594 pounds of chicken and ham salad products because they contain potassium sorbate and/or sodium benzoate which aren’t listed on the labels. Also in the recall are 12-ounce plastic cups of Hill Country Fare Deli Style Classic Ham Salad With Pineapple (Good God. What? Burn. With. Fire.) as well as Hill Country Fare Classic Chicken Salad With White Meat. Basically this means if you’re not making your own gross salad sandwiches then you understand that this is an acceptable risk.- Fresh and Ready Foods recalled about 770 pounds of Asian Chicken Noodle Salad sold on domestic United Airlines flights because it may contain egg not listed on the label. Airplane food. Yeah, while we appreciate the effort of you Asianing up the in-flight meals, how about you tell us if they’ll be dripping with egg juice next time, eh?
- Transpecos Foods LP recalled five brands of onion rings because they may contain milk and eggs that weren’t listed in the ingredients. So far, no one has gotten sick from eating the onion rings, which were distributed in Alabama, Georgia, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Vermont and Wisconsin. With omitting the eggs and milk, there’s nothing more gaseous than onion rings. You’ve already told your intestines that all systems are a go once you engage. Milk and eggs will just make you a rocket ship. Lame, Transpecos! Give us all the info, so we can make informed decisions and possibly tell others about possible SBD’s on the horizon.
- The Azar Nut Co. issued an allergy alert for its Azar Mountain Trail Mix because it could contain milk not listed on the label. Sure, I understand milk allergies. This in no way explains the over-hipster consumption of trail mix. If I see one more scraggly bearded person having a freak out in Whole Foods because their particular brand of nature mix is sold out, I may just start going there with a dog whistle and a set of clippers. Anyway, hipsters, take note of the allergy alert, and maybe start thinking mung bean mix?
- Irish Hills Meat Co. recalled about 900 pounds of ground beef shipped to restaurants in southern Michigan because it may be contaminated with E. coli, the USDA said. Do you ever think the cows are just laughing at us? Just seriously saying, “You want to eat me… fine. Here chew on some poo bacteria! That’ll teach you to put me on your food chain, especially since my food chain is far superior…”
Consumer Products:
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Bell Sports recalled 33,600 bicycle helmets sold at WalMart and online at Amazon.com in the United States and Canada because a plastic chin strap buckle can break. The company has one report of a buckle breaking during an accident, with the bicyclist suffering an injury requiring stitches below an eye. Whoa, dude. So does this mean that you need a helmet for your, uh, helmet?
- For a third time, Hewlett-Packard Co. expanded a recall of its laptop batteries for HP and Compaq notebook computers after continuing to receive reports of the batteries overheating and burning consumers. I’m thinking this is not what Anthony Weiner meant in his text message about having a hot lap.
- Horizon Hobby recalled 17,900 model helicopters sold in the United States and Canada after receiving 312 reports of the rotor blades detaching, including 34 cases of a blade hitting consumers with 12 suffering cuts. You would think that not being near an actual helicopter would sort of reduce the chances of a helicopter blade spinning off and causing some sort of injury. Apparently, we would be wrong. Good thing we’re not all 12 inches high or we’d have to worry about decapitation.
- Woodstock Percussion Inc. recalled 10,100 Gripper Shaker musical instruments sold in the United States and Canada because the handle can detach, exposing a rough edge and small steel pellets. Remember what it was like getting a splinter in your finger? Oh, the agony! And then someone came along with a hot needle and stuck it in your finger because that never caused any pain. No pain at all! Just spear me with a metal rod in order to take out the wooden rod in my flesh covered finger! Now imagine this with small steel pellets. Shudder.
- Janome America Inc. recalled 600 of its high-end Elna eXcellence 740 sewing machines because the wires can short, creating a fire risk. All you wanted was to make that toilet paper roll cozy. Just a few more stitches and you’d be able to enter the championship Toilet Paper Roll Cozy contest. “That Jane Biederman wins every year, but not this time! This time the golden paper roll trophy will be mine. Must sew faster. FASTER! Whir, whir, zoom, zoom, snap, crackle, pop, sizzle. Wait, is something burning?” Bad form Janome America. Very bad form. You don’t deserve to have America in your name.
Babies and Kitties:
Primal Pet Foods recalled its Feline Chicken & Salmon Formula of cat food with a best by date code of 043112-17 because it could be contaminated with salmonella, said the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Philistines! The FDA said so far, no pet or consumer has reported getting sick.- Kahn Enterprises LLC recalled 35 Beeni Baby Hats because a baby can spit up during use, creating an asphyxiation hazard, the CPSC said. The baby hats are made of cotton and spandex and have two straps which hold a removable plastic pacifier holder. Jerks! Let’s be more careful with what kids can put in their mouths, please. So far, no one has been hurt.
I joke, I kid, but this is serious information consumers should be aware of.
There are more recalls listed on this website, Walletpop.com, and more information about what to do if you’ve come in contact with any of the above products. As always, be diligent in reading labels if you have allergies, and be cautious of anything that seems skeevy. Try out those 800 numbers on the packaging if you have questions.
Safe shopping, everyone!
