The queen of all media and synergistic brain vomit, Sarah Palin, would like you to come see her at the movies! Yes, I can’t think of a better way to lobotomize myself, so sure, let’s all go to the movies and watch Sarah Palin dance around with a crown of doughnuts on her head while she winks and garbles human language and just basically runs around in a movie about lies and magic hair bumpits. Fantastic!
On with the show!
HuffPo reports that Palin’s documentary “The Undefeated,” is getting a national release this summer at AMC movie theaters. What was the process? Is she co-starring in that awful CGI shit-show Green Lantern? Imagine Sarah Palin giving the Green Lantern oath?
“In brightest day, in blackest night
No doughnut shall escape my sight
Let those who worship lamestream media’s might
Beware my power, Alaskan Dunce’s light!”
Apparently, though, someone has decided the world just doesn’t have enough Palin what with the cancelled television show, the bus tour, the raping of Paul Revere facts…more, we just need more! Enter Jonathan Dern, president of Cinedigm Entertainment Group, who says:
“Given Palin’s ardent following throughout the country, digital cinema allows us to be extremely precise and efficient in our distribution strategy, bringing this much-anticipated film directly to interested theatre-goers.”
Ah, interested theater-goers are the key. Okay, that covers a mostly shunned subset of the country. But onward, I guess!
The film follows Palin’s time as Alaska governor, the vice presidential run, and her current political life, which I assume covers playing Hopscotch with that other bird-brained idiot, Michelle Bachman, quitting being Governor of Alaska, spending time on a bus while ramming it into national landmarks, mocking historic facts, breaking up with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and eating pizza with notable carnival performers. Entertaining, but useless.
Furthermore, in a strategy that is just primed for public rumor-mongering, Palin has already premiered the film in key primary states, like battleground state, Iowa, and will be released in Dallas, Denver, Oklahoma City, Orlando, Atlanta, Orange County, Phoenix, Houston, Indianapolis, and Kansas City, among other cities on July 15. Curiously, no one has predicted the end of the world on that day.
Hilariously, HuffPo states that initial impressions of the film are on the low side:
“Its tone is an excruciating combination of bombast and whining, it’s so outlandishly partisan that it makes Richard Nixon look like Abraham Lincoln and its febrile rush of images — not excluding earthquakes, car wrecks, volcanic eruption and attacking Rottweilers — reminded me of the brainwash movie Alex is forced to sit through in ‘A Clockwork Orange.’ Except no one came along to refresh my pupils with eyedrops,” wrote Kyle Smith, the New York Post’s film critic.
Um-hmm, yes, yes. This is what I expected. Palin’s supporters however…yeah, there’ll be no changing those people’s minds since they belong to Palin and are mostly kept in jars.
“If you like Sarah Palin, the movie will make you like her even more,” CBS News noted,”Using never-before seen video, it shows Palin taking on the machine and winning, while racking up whopping 80 percent approval ratings in the state. And you will feel fresh outrage about how savagely she has been treated and mocked by Hollywood and the liberal elite.”
Fresh outrage! Really? Well, no. I feel fresh outrage that this pile of steaming outrageous media-whoring and time-sucking waste of film has been made. Yet, a Serenity sequel is just a twinkle in Nathan Fillion’s eye! That’s fresh outrage. This whole Sarah Palin thing…well, that’s just comedy for the ages.
Here, watch the trailer. The most compelling thing about it is the dynamic acting of the waving finger. I mean RIVETING!
Top Image via the Chattanooga Free Press
