Lauren

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Lauren "AKA Spirit Fingers" likes to talk about entertainment, politics, the news, the world, you know, the awesome stuff that makes us say, "Holy Crap! That's crazy...but I love it." Got a message, a writing gig, or need a freelancer? Email me at: [email protected] or find me here @CrassLauren.

Hollywood Heartbreak: You Again?!

Great. The Oscars are over. The uninspiring, extremely predicable, “every movie everyone said was going to win…did!” big award show is done. So after all the pomp and circumstance with Melissa Leo’s totally affected wacky-for-wacky sake acceptance speech, Portman’s unsurprised reaction, and Colin’s barely registering stone-faced joy, do you feel any better today about movies than you did a year ago having witnessed Hollywood’s big night? I didn’t think so.

We’re currently 60 days into the New Year, and Justin Bieber’s movie Never Say Never is among the best reviewed movies of 2011 so far. Blitzkrieg by the Bieb! I’d like to say that if this is the best Hollywood can do, why even try? But honestly, you can’t blame the Biebs. His movie success is just the result of what seems like the laziest time in cinema history, ever. So much so, Nick Cage snuck in last week with a movie about a baby, a lady, and driving crazy, and it barely caused the gag reflex to flare. Seriously. It’s gotten to the point where Nick Cage can do that thing, with that thing on his head, and that permanent confused scowl on his face, and we shrug our shoulders because there are like fifteen similarly bad movies currently onscreen right now. There’s no reason to single out Nick Cage. And if you can’t single out Nick Cage then we’re mostly doomed. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at the current box office numbers.

But assigning blame is hard. Is it the movie execs? Are they so obtuse that they just assume, “Ha-ha, Nick Cage and Adam Sandler, the two top movie stars of all time, THEY ARE AUTOMATIC GREENLIGHT MATERIAL!” Yes, I think that’s it, because apparently they believe what we need is the following:


Die Hard 5: 20th Century Fox is going ahead with this idea, because Bruce Willis still thinks we care about Hudson Hawk! No, really, why is he doing this? We’ll never know. It appears once you say “Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” once or twice, the need arises to say it again periodically like the need to change an air filter or something. I just imagine Bruce sitting at home and in the distance some alarm goes off that lets him know that he must say those exact words or a man will lose a hand inside a painting, or a zombie Hans Gruber will come back looking for a mustache trimmer, and a bleary-eyed Willis, hopped up on pudding and grabbing for his Rockports, will just start screaming,”Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” Yippee-Kay-Ay!” Yes? Yes. But, what we really need to ask ourselves is what youngish star will debase himself as the comedic element in this well-worn shoe heel? Because you can’t just have a frantic Willis trying to stop terrorists by himself. Some twitchy nerd has to forget the important key codes while the Willis gargle-talks about something not happening on his watch. And just in case you weren’t sure of the direction of this film, Skip Woods writer of Swordfish and Hitman, and who also co-wrote The A-Team and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, will be on board as writer here…so basically it will be hot garbage.

 

Firestarter: Since they’re running out of Science-Fiction movies from the 1980’s to remake, Firestarter is next up. And just why not? We haven’t been quite inundated with supernatural kids yet, right? Oh, wait, there’s going to be a whole X-Men thing happening pretty soon won’t it? Then there’s some sort of Sucker Punch movie, and that awful thing about being Number Four. Okay, well, nevermind. Onward Hollywood! Kids with the powerrrrsss are next in line to be destroyed with suck! Seriously, though, this was a great little film starring an enigmatic eight year-old Drew Barrymore as the pyrokinetic Charley, and David Keith as her mutant nose-bleed father. I pretty much like it as is. But Universal says they’re developing this remake to take advantage of “recent visual effects advances” so that the “main character [will] be reinvented with a little more edge.” I’m guessing the original didn’t have enough computer generated explosions, or 3D lead spikes flying out of the screen. So now I assume (Elle Fanning?) can make all the cars go boom in an edgy way, whatever that means, because well, Dakota is just too old to be a fire-wielding cherub since she’s a red-eyed, sparkly-faced, vampire gnome person, and 2D is for unevolved Old Gawker peasants. Obviously Universal has hired Nick Denton as their creative director.

 

Soapdish: Well, here’s an idea! No, this is not an idea. I really can’t fathom a reason why someone would want to remake Soapdish. It was a mostly meh kind of zone-out movie to start with. Set in the early 1990’s, and starring a very shrill Sally Field, a between benders Robert Downey Jr., and Whoopi Goldberg just because. Mostly this thing was like a strip-mall movie! Something you go to see on a Sunday when you’re done your yearly shopping at Sears for new underwear. And really, why now? Are there even any soap operas left on television? (Yes, yes, I can hear James Franco yelling some stoner-garble from the NYU rafters.) So I guess the decline of the soap opera as opera could be a premise for this silly reboot, but I just don’t think many of us need another slapstick film that seems like a perfect vehicle for Kevin James. Soapdish will be written by actor-turned-writer Ben Schwartz, responsible for several episodes of Robot Chicken and who also won an Emmy in 2009 for writing Hugh Jackman’s Academy Awards monologue. Quite a résumé! No, really, James will need Bear Claws at the craft services table.

 

Choose Your Own Adventure: I loved these books, didn’t you? There was nothing better in grade school then reading one of these with a box of Nerds candy, right? They were super duper awesome! Now Hollywood thinks it’s ready for the big screen. Well, what! How will this even work? Is there a way for the viewing public to make decisions about movies while they’re watching them that I don’t know about? Well, hell, if that’s the case I would have said, “No, no, make Natalie Portman die sooner! What the hell is with that mattress? Let’s push that stupid dead swan bird off a fucking cliff!” So, yes, uh, I don’t think this technology is available yet. So that defeats the whole purpose, eh? How am I supposed to be interactive if there are no options? Well, new movie production company, Red Crown, believes that perhaps they can do it like the 1985 Comedy Clue, which based on the board game, gave each theater a different ending out of several possibilities. Um, okay. You know what, though? AL GORE HADN’T INVENTED THE INTERNET IN 1985! So I’m thinking that once all the endings are shown for the first time some dingus will hit up his fooozebooks account and say, “Wow, that was sweet! The pirate goes into the cave, finds the treasure, and then attempts to steal the princess, but he’s foiled by Gawain the bawdy hero, but not in the other three versions. The total opposite of that happens in the other versions, which I have seen and will tell you about, FIRST1111!!!!”

Yeah, so I dunno Red Crown, I see problems in the offing. And well, I think Tim Curry is probably too old to run around another old mansion telling four different stories. Producer Daniela Taplin Lundberg has signed on and judging from the success of her Golden Globe-winning movie The Kids Are All Right, I expect Choose Your Own Adventure (working title, I hope) to be a bit angsty but smirky and full of lesbians, so there’s that.

Hollywood Redemption?

Gypsy: So it’s rumored that La Streisand could come on board and play Mama Rose in a remake of Gypsy. Now, I don’t find this to be the worst idea in the world. While I don’t think anyone can top Rosalind Russell’s performance in the 1962 film, (If you have not seen this version you simply must, and while you’re at it, watch Russell in Auntie Mame…simply glorious.) I like Streisand when she’s being her musically comical self, not so much when she’s Fockering her Focker. I enjoyed her films back in the day, and think she’d do a formidable job as Rose. I have a feeling seeing Patti LuPone in the role could change my mind, but well for now that’s not the rumor. Sucks for Lupone, because I’m sure unlike the Producers, her turn onscreen could probably be a great thing for modern Broadway transforming into cinema.

However, the fly in this Gypsy ointment will probably be Lea Michele. There is no way on the whole of this planet that Lea Michele wouldn’t take the lives of fifteen goats and nine honey badgers to play Streisand’s striptease daughter Gypsy Rose Lee in this movie, and then we’ll be subjected to what could be the most saccharine, ear-splittingly over the top performance since Nathan Lane last appeared anywhere. And I’m not mentioning Burlesque as a similar medium unless it’s to say that Stanley Tucci would make a terrific Herbie in Gypsy, because he’s fantabulous.

Les Misérables: I adore this story. And the rumor mill is pounding with news that director Tom Hooper of The King’s Speech, would like to remake Les Misérables. Yes, yes, it’s been successful onstage and on film — the most recent film version — 1998’s offering starring Liam Neeson as Jean Valjean and Geoffrey Rush as Javert. Sure 1998 wasn’t all that long ago, but it’s a great story that could use updating if done well. They should erase the participation of Uma Thurman and Claire Danes (Just Ugh!) for instance, and draw the characters of Fantine and Cossette a bit better with a couple of the stellar up and coming actresses on the horizon right now — Michelle Williams, Jennifer Lawrence, you get the picture. That would be a solid improvement. And well, Neeson and Rush are large shoes to fill, but I’m guessing Christian Bale would give one of ’em a shot. Sigh.

Speaking of which, what has happened to Liam Neeson? Why is he now doing one word action thrillers? Taken! Unknown! This seems silly for an actor of his caliber. Leave this to Gerard Butler, he has nothing left to salvage. Nonetheless, I’m throwing my support behind Les Mis, unless they do something stupid and try and modernize it with Miley Cyrus and Channing Steakum Dancepants…then well, I’ll throw myself into La Seine. End scene.

 

Superman Rebooted Reboot News: Kevin Costner may be in this. Speculation lends itself to Costner playing Jonathan Kent, which I can see. He’s of the right age now, what with his ruddiness and gruff exterior, and he’s not really knocking ’em out of the ballpark like he once did movie wise, so Costner kinda needs a good anchoring, yet high profile role. Why not start with being the adopted daddy for the son of Jor-El? This is a good thing because I’m not sure we really wanted to know what new contraptions he’s built for his urine since the 1990’s. But hey, I guess he used it to help with the BP oil spill so there’s that and Dances with Wolves for forever! Go Costner!

That’s it for this week, kids! Mostly things still suck, but if you like old-timey things then there’s hope. If you don’t, well, Michael Bay is releasing a movie about fart-making robots, their stuttering Monchichi human companion, and any number of equally awful and irascible dumb things that explode and give you migraines! Go read a book.

Doing the Right Thing by Quitting Sheen Cold Turkey

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Charlie Sheen. The holy detestable scourge of humanity that is Charlie Sheen makes me want to punch him in his throat-box and then shake him until the crazy man living inside slides out onto the floor of the insane condom-wrapper filled hotel room he parties in.

Why?


Well because he’s taken all the goodwill sent his way by a gracious, but health-hobbled Michael J. Fox, and literally shot it up his nose and used it to slap the asses of various hookers just because he can, and mostly because CBS has paid him to do so. Nice. Sheen would be just another out of work, has-been actor, holed up under a bridge in Dogtown if Fox hadn’t had to leave Spin City. And now, yes now, that the network has finally realized this — what will they do about Charlie Sheen?

Don’t Pay Him Another Single Dime

Yeah, have you heard? He wants a raise. Yes, currently stuffing his pockets full of $1.8 million an episode is not sufficient. He now says that in order to return to his beloved-by-idiots show he wants $3 million an episode. $3 million?! That’s like an entire boat full of coke! A small island off the coast of the Maldives of low-class prostitutes! The entire salary brought home by his brother Emilio since The Breakfast Club!

I’d like to go on record by saying that no person, who on his television show spins a yarn of tired misogynistic tropes and sits on a couch in a bowling shirt while wearing loafers, should make anywhere near $3 million for anything. This is acting? Or is this what your loser uncle Irwin-the-Pharmacist does in his sad life living down by the docks? CBS should be laughing so hard the entire building should levitate 50 feet off the ground, spin, and then shoot into space and crash on the moon so they can attach a picture of Charlie Sheen to a flagpole as evidence of an alien life form, and then, and only then, return to ask if the coke-monster from Platoon is serious. There’s no way anyone should pay him one more dime to continue making this horrible show about a horrible person who basically holds the rest of the cast hostage every time he goes on a binge.

Don’t Feel Sorry For Him


You know how this country has a weak spot for beleaguered celebrities? How we decide that it’s not their fault that their parents/lives/celebrity/famousness made them the way they are and that they should get another chance? Yeah, this stupid thing we do. After all, look what’s happened to Robert Downey Jr. and Drew Barrymore — they’re fine now, and successful, and a testament to good old fashioned faith, talent, and an enviable stick-to-it attitude. Yes, well, that is nice. Well, no, it’s not! These people are all addicts. Yes. Okay, some have been able to overcome a large portion of their demons, mostly those who actually want to get better, and realized that they have a career to salvage. But others…well, they just don’t. (LiLo, I’m also looking at you, and Busey, well, I’m terrified of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.) They just want to remain crazed, coke-addicted maniacs, because well, they enjoy it. They love, love, love it! It is all they have, and they don’t give a damn who knows it…because it’s really not about you.

This is what Sheen thinks about his drug use:

The Associated Press reports that during his various, “Fuck the world, I’m fabulous!” television tour this morning, he said that he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.

“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

Does he want to change? Nah. Will he change? Nope. Reportedly, he’s been clean for 72 hours because he finds coke boring. Yes, boring. I’m thinking if he could find a way to snort the skin-flakes of various porn stars for a high…he would do it until he finds that boring. Nonetheless, these are not the sentiments of a reformed drug abuser.

Realize That He Doesn’t Care About You Or The People Who Watch His Show

He isn’t an actor. He isn’t about the craft of acting. He doesn’t have aspirations of being the best artist or performer he can possibly be. He wants your money. And he’d rather get it with the satisfaction of having every person in authority prostrate themselves in front of him, because he’s a narcissistic drug addict. He believes that CBS owes him an apology, “publicly, while licking my feet” he says, for not recognizing his awesomeness, and because he’s “tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” Absolutely. Yup, the more you keep sweeping his crap under the rug, and backing him and all his lunacy, is one more step you take into the darkside, CBS. The darkside that is letting the lunatics run the asylum and dictate to you how much their crazy is worth, because it’s easier to have a megalomaniac, shriveled wizard dictate how much money you will pay him to continue to keep your network afloat, instead of shipping this loon off into obscurity and replacing him with any number of talented actors.

“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Exactly. He is Charlie Sheen, and he is a drug. CBS, think you can stop chasing this dragon?

Update: Apparently someone gets it. This afternoon Sheen’s longtime publicist, Stan Rosenfield, quit after an interview with TMZ where Sheen made a remark implying that Rosenfield lied on his behalf about that Plaza Hotel incident in October.

“I have worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much. However, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned,” states Rosenfeld.

I was kinda hoping he resigned because Sheen is a huge self-destructive prick who’s destined to take anyone down with him that attempts to latch themselves to his burning, sinking ship. But a bailout is a bailout, I suppose.

Ratings Shuffle: America to NBC, “We Were On A Break!”

So America, it seems that you’ve officially broken up with NBC. There’s no more “trying to work it out” or “going to therapy.” It’s kind of done. At this point not much else happens except maybe a Community drunken hook up, or meeting at 30 Rock for coffee to discuss “closure,” and well, you’ll always have that thing that happened in the Office supply closet during the Christmas party.

Now, though, you’ve moved on to “seeing other people.”

Ratings for NBC last week were in the toilet. No preamble, no sugar coating it, just swirling in the bowl hoping for a courtesy flush.


Just what the hell has happened here? Remember all those great shows of the 1990’s, when “Must See TV” meant something in the world of television? Jerry Seinfeld ruled the airwaves. Phil Hartman was still alive. Ross and Rachel were Ross and Rachel, George Clooney and his House of Batiatus hairdo made us all swoon, and well, Paul Reiser did that married people show with his Oscar winning on-screen wife who now lives in a cave. But now, well now, NBC is a dried husk surviving off the writing talent of Tina Fey and the waning appeal of Steve Carell. What else is even on this channel? Nowadays when I careen by NBC at 90mph, on days not showing Law & Order: SVU, Guy Fieri, that sandwich-man from the Food Network, is making people stack cups and flip quarters into a jar! This is entertainment on NBC? I guess so. Well, that sucks, because really NBC — CBS the land of addicts and NCIS spin-offs — is just kicking your cape-wearing, event-stalling, outsourced ass all over the ratings chart. Never would have happened in the Seinfeld years.

Fox, however, reigned supreme last week with juggernaut American Idol and edged slightly ahead of CBS to top the broadcast primetime adult 18-49 ratings. CBS was followed closely by ABC, and the network held together by Alec Baldwin and chewing gum came in last of the mighty four, again.


Furthering NBC’s descent into obscurity, in the list of top 25 shows for last week, only one NBC show placed. It was The Office — at number fourteen, yeah, not even in the top ten. American Idol held on to the top two spots, followed by Modern Family at number three, One Junkie, A Has Been, and The Kid Caught in the Middle came in at number four, Glee took the fifth spot, Mike & Molly landed at number six, and Grey’s Anatomy (This show is still on?! NBC, this is like being beaten by Trapper John M.D. in 1982) made it to number seven. The awesome Big Bang Theory was able to squeak by at number eight, How I Had Sex With All These Chicks And Then Met Your Mother slutted its way to number nine, and Head Slappers with Mark Harmon rounded out the top ten. [TV By the Numbers]

Should we talk about what’s on the “to be jettisoned on an ice floe” cancellation list for NBC while we’re remarking on how terrible a network it is? Sure. Already cancelled this season, Outlaw, Undercovers, and Chase. Well, what did we expect? What were these shows even about? Spies, outlaws, and law enforcement types also chasing outlaws? Sounds like this should have been one show called Law & Order: LA! This show is on indefinite hiatus! This makes complete sense.


Two shows currently bleeding out on the emergency room floor like a Sarah Palin television fiasco are; Perfect Couples (Olivia Munn, HA! You can’t act.) and The Cape (Naturally). Three others, Outsourced, Chuck, and Harry’s Law are still breathing, but I’m thinking if someone knocked out a plug, all the machines would start whirring, and Trapper John would come running in frantically with his hair and bedroom eyes screaming about “Codes” and “O2 STAT!”.

But here’s one thing NBC has accomplished — its tied with Fox for the number of cancellations this season, each have three, so that means something! Something bad. But really this is horrible since we mostly expect Fox to have several cancellations. They have a habit of producing jaunty little sitcoms and other random filler crap that just seem like fodder anyway. It’s a kinda “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” philosophy.

NBC, well, the viewing public expects better. Mostly, right?

The Sheen Effect:

Do you know what happens when you have a mind-swelling coke rant and say rabid shit about your boss?

Well, you get fired, and your inexplicable hit television show stops production. Apparently stuffing his face with cocaine and hookers wasn’t enough to make CBS pull the plug on Charlie, Duckie, and the Teenage Fart Joke (#4 in ratings!), no, Carlos Estevez was fired after a full-blown narcissistic, anti-Semitic tinged, mini-Mel rant on the Alex Jones radio show wherein he stated this about his boss, executive producer, Chuck Lorre:

“There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine – yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name – mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process.”

“Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.”

He made it clear during the interview that he doesn’t believe the show can survive without him, telling Jones, “Watch your ratings, dudes. Watch your stupid ratings.” Sheen followed his statements with a letter sent to TMZ where he called Lorre, a “contaminated little maggot” and wished the producer “nothing but pain.” He’s also urging “all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.”

Yawr, okay, Carlos. Whatever. Here’s the continuing thing if you want instant nausea. Is it possible CBS could face a significant dip without its bread and butter ratings hauler? Likely. We’ll see.

So, that’s it for this week. Charlie Sheen is a Mel Gibson impersonator with some acute Gary Busey tendencies! Fantastic. American Idol‘s Seacrest monster still has your attention, since Fox is celebrating the blond teacup yorkie and his bevy of misfits; the stringy rocker, the crying J.Lo., and Yo Dawg Tito Jackson, who apparently still make all your thighs sweat and voice boxes tingle. This is sad. I need a cape.

Up Your Game, Stalk Like a Pro!

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So you’re creepy. Okay. You’ve been pining for Mary Beth ever since the second grade when she threw a grape popsicle at your shirt and it got stuck there all through recess. You then went home and hid your popsicle-stuck shirt under your bed so you can revisit it, not much, just every once in awhile when you’re feeling really low. That’s not really weird. It’s just a thing you do.

It’s so frustrating that Mary Beth doesn’t even know you’re alive. It makes you feel all squirrelly in the head, really. You went through junior high with braces and acne, and that rash that made you look like the underside of an avocado — but just seeing Mary Beth’s face got you through the day. Now she’s married to fucking Josh. Of course she’s married to fucking ass-chapper, car dealer, gum-popping, dickfaced Josh. But she should really be married to you, and deep down she knows it. Little does she know, but she friended you on Facebook and you’ve been trading comments about pot pie recipes for weeks now. She probably doesn’t really remember you from high school what with the reduced inflammation and proliferation of the avocado’s ass rash. Lucky for you, you think her marriage to jackal-dicked Josh is on the skids, but how will you know when to make your move? You can’t just ask her when you smell her hair in the grocery store every Sunday.


Dan Loewenherz has designed the answer. The Facebook Breakup Notifier.

This app has one purpose, and one purpose only — to let the user know when the relationship status of those of their choosing has changed. That’s right. Now you no longer have to stumble upon the information by chance. Now you can spin merrily in front of your freaky bedroom shrines once you immediately find out that the, ahem, object of your desire is a single ready to mingle. What will you do? Congratulate them? Offer sympathy? Put that doll away and ask for a phone number? All of them!

The Breakup Notifier lets you log in, check off the friends you’re interested in, and then emails you once they’re no longer taken.

As reported in an interview with the Huffington Post, here’s what Lowenherz had to say about the new app’s genesis.

I got the idea on Friday night when my fiancee and her mom were talking about a guy to set up with my fiancee’s sister. Unfortunately, said guy was taken…so I asked them if they would want to get notified when he broke up. It was kind of a joke actually, but they loved it, and so on Saturday I spent about 4 hours building it out. I didn’t really tell anyone until yesterday.

I hope that people use it for good and not evil – it’s merely practical. If you’re going to check someone’s profile every day [to stalk them], you might as well get rid of the tedium and have the changes get delivered right to your inbox instead. When people don’t list their relationship status, Breakup Notifier reads it as “Unknown”. So if someone changes, you’ll get an email like the following:

“Hi Shirley,
Joe Shmoe has changed his relationship status to “Single” from “In a relationship”. Get on it!
Best,
The Breakup Notifier”

We totally needed something like this, because surely the internet and the Fooozebooks doesn’t already give out enough personal information. I suspect in the near future the advent of the “Maybe You Need a Pap Smear,” and the “You Fuck Like King Kong” apps are in the offing.

We can’t wait.

If you’re really interested [I won’t judge you, but I will check your trunk for skulls], here’s more information on the thing: Breakupnotifier.com

Happy hunting!

Take My Love, Take My Land: Firefly Will Always Stand

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So I got excited this morning when a friend texted a headline from Entertainment Weekly that said, “Firefly Returning to Cable.” Seriously my heart started to flutter, and I couldn’t log on fast enough to see what the deal was. I’m not saying that this is my most fervent entertainment wish, but it would come damn close to the most exciting television news I’ve heard in nearly a decade.


So imagine my disappointment upon reading that Entertainment Weekly‘s breaking news was that the original fourteen episode series is slated to air on the Science Channel. The science channel? Of course there’s a science channel. But what is their interest in Firefly? Well, the channel has acquired the rights and will show the episodes interspersed with segments from renowned physicist, Dr. Michio Kaku, who will talk about the “theoretical science behind the show’s concepts.” Right. What, just what? Now, I’m all for discussing this great, ground-breaking series in almost any means, but to lure us dedicated fans in with a misleading headline that caused a collective gasp across all of nerddom, and not deliver news of some sort of revived series…well, that’s just harsh EW.

Or is it?

Well, if you think about it, any PR for the show is still fantastic! And the fact that the show is still in the hearts and minds of fans, television networks, and even the science community, speaks volumes for its appeal and relevancy. And a kudos from the scientific community isn’t a bad way to keep the dialogue going.


I recently watched a documentary that discussed the making of Star Wars and the lofty ideas of a young George Lucas who was looking to bring something to the screen that had never been seen before scientifically. Many thought that this odd space odyssey would never amount to much, that it would be a box office failure, and Lucas’ audience “just wouldn’t get it.” Well, we know how that turned out. Firefly has often proven itself to be the little show that could do amazing things post-screen. Despite a less than stellar turnout in ratings, and at the box office, there has always been something about Firefly that has drawn more and more fans year after year.  It’s the elaborate world in which it exists. It’s yes, the nostalgic essence of Star Wars and Star Trek, but it is also the original and complex characters and all their complicated, misfit-like, family ties and morals. To say nothing of the inventive dialogue and fun, unpredictable banter. It transcends simple cult classic, it’s more of a cult movement. It’s great that the show is still recognized on such a large scale, and each new iteration on the small screen breathes new life into a once expected to be walking dead series. And in the highest endorsement, after nearly a decade, the main star still feels the same way, and that will always lend itself to never saying never about a revisit to a live action production.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What was the part about playing the character?
NATHAN FILLION: It was my favorite job ever. What wasn’t great about it? I got to wear a low-slung holster. I got to ride horses. I got to have a spaceship. I got to act mean and curmudgeonly. [Creator Joss Whedon] is really good at kicking characters in the nuts so the other characters would have laughs at my expense and that was great too.

If Castle had its series finale tomorrow and Fox said to you and Joss: “We screwed up, let’s try doing Firefly again.” Would you do it?
Yes. Yes. I would examine very closely Fox’s reasoning — I’m a little gun-shy. If I got $300 million from the California Lottery, the first thing I would do is buy the rights to Firefly, make it on my own, and distribute it on the Internet.

And, yeah, just because Fillion would strap on the thigh-guns once again if a network came calling doesn’t mean that he has no interest in the business side of things, if we’re to give credence to his off-the-cuff remarks here. The series could do a lot worse than to be captained by, well, the captain. There’s an online effort going on to secure him the rights, right now! As sci-fi site io9 has reported, fans have gathered to try and make sure those rights land in captain Mal’s capable hands website, facebook.


Conversely, some feel that the show is perfect as is, and that a short-lived beloved series and movie is the best way to go out in a blaze of glory, and that actually tinkering with a sequel or new series could sully the original and somehow reduce the goodwill the show has stored. I believe there is a very real fear out there that the show has reached such iconic status that anything following would not do it justice. But since this is Joss Whedon’s world, I think there’s not much in the universe that would make him sell this series short, and if given the chance, he could create an undeniable testament to the original and possibly surpass it in an opus not seen since the release of The Empire Strikes Back, which many believe is the trilogy’s crowning jewel. And what do the networks and movie studios have to lose? It’s not as if there has been a deluge of great sci-fi, especially not on the small screen. Need anyone remind them of what ABC and NBC have offered to the genre? And Hollywood is indeed suffering from “original idea” anemia. (Right now, if Firefly was a successful series in the UK and on the BBC network, the U.S. powers-that-be probably couldn’t wait to adapt it here.)

I’d place my bets on Whedon.

Given the momentum of the series on the small screen, I hope some studio feels the same, because there’s more story to tell, and I am anxiously awaiting its return to the ‘verse.

Update: Commenter BankerHardcore has found out that some very cool Browncoats who work for the California Lottery have sent Nathan Fillion a complimentary $1 free play Mega Millions ticket which he posted on his Twitter account. Awesome! Browncoats unite! Thanks for the tip!

Sunday Matinée: Generations of Cinema

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As a youth, one of the best things about lazy Sundays was sitting at home and watching old movies and television shows. There was something soothing about Dagwood and Blondie, Laurel and Hardy, or Abbott and Costello. Sure the antics were silly and a bit far-fetched, but it was always good-natured fun. Whether they were hunting monsters, wandering through Toyland, or tripping out the door or over a dozen dogs, this was the comfort of Sunday viewing.


It was such a cool routine and now that I reflect back on it, an integral part of family time. Some say that music is the soundtrack of your life, and I truly believe that it is, but I think your life also has its own movie reel.

You can often pinpoint certain things in your life based upon a movie or a visual experience. You remember the first movie you ever saw with your best friend, when you were finally able to see “R” rated films, when you got your first giddy kiss in a movie theater, when you finally discovered that as a viewer you knew when something sucked sooo bad, but you didn’t care because it was still fun, and you remember what movies your parents loved, and loved to discuss.

It’s a tradition as old as the moving picture…the youth and movies. It didn’t start with my generation watching John Cusack holding a stereo over his head for the love of a girl. No, my parents remember getting excited to go out to see West Side Story, and the anticipation of that event. It was a big deal. It was infectious and gorgeous, and everyone was caught up in the swell of that cinematic masterpiece. My dad also remembers sitting in the theater watching Elvis double features (Twice!) because not only was Elvis the man, but the theater held all the girls who watched and listened to the crooner do his thing and shake his hips. I have the oddest feeling that my father left the theater and attempted to sing some of the Elvis tunes in the lobby just to put an extra feather in his cap after the show and woo the girls who lingered there. I think if asked he’d say, “no comment“.

My mom, no doubt one of those girls my father would have popped his collar to impress back in those days, was sitting right there in the crowd a whole state away, probably on some of those very days watching Elvis shimmy and “get the girl, kiss the girl.”  Because that’s what they were, right? That entire genre of film was about the swoon.  Wow, some things just don’t change. It’s almost scary that Justin Bieber now understands exactly what that’s about.

When I saw my parents this weekend, I asked what they loved to watch back in their swoon era, and boy they talked about it with such zeal. They said, “Oh, definitely Elvis, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon Beach Party movies.” Mom added, “Gidget” And I said “with Sally Field?” and she said, “Oh, no, she came later…with Sandra Dee, the original Gidget…yes, Gidget and Moon Doggie.” And she smiled fondly. Dad added, “And of course James Bond movies.” He had to specify, “with the real James Bond…Sean Connery.” I wasn’t going to argue, because I knew that was a losing argument. The way I feel about Christopher Reeve being the one and true Superman is how my father feels about Sean Connery as James Bond. Mention Roger Moore and you get an icy stare. I find this hysterical. Not sure what would happen if I said something like, “Pierce Brosnan. ”

It was fun and cool discussing this movie-related history, and finding out that a double feature, two movies on one ticket, cost $1.50! And that kids would just spend an entire Sunday in the movie theater watching those two movies over and over again. And they would go back the next week to see the same movies and sit in the dark and repeat the same lines right along with the coolest guy in the world. I am so beyond shocked at how cool my parents thought Elvis was, this from two people who never listened to his music or discussed him much in my recollection. But from what they say, Elvis just was. There was none of this “new movie opening every week” thing. Once something came out in the theater you were married to it, there was no, “I’ll pass and wait for it to come out on DVD.” No, you watched it all, the good, the bad, and the Jerry Lewis.


Jerry Lewis is indeed another matter. I know, I know, people just hate Jerry Lewis movies! But this is a spot of mutual affection my father and I share. We adore Jerry Lewis. We can watch the Nutty Professor and Cinderfella with no shame. We find him to be a comedic genius despite what the rest of the world says, and I’ll defend it with honor….MISS LADY!

Of course my movie reel doesn’t stop at these old classics, but this is definitely where they start, and I count my folks as the “cool people” in their own right who started my love of movies.

We’ll talk again about our collective lifelong movie reel, after all we’ve not even touched the John Hughes era.

Hollywood Heartbreak: More Things That Make You Say Urgh

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I love the Rotten Tomatoes site. For me, it’s the best little place to find movie critiques all wrapped up in either a big green splotch, or, and this is truly rare, a large healthy tomato, which indicates “Certified Fresh,” as reported by top reviewers in the business. Simple, but hugely effective.

When tooling around the site in preparation for the newest movies to check out, I’ve noticed more and more green monster splotches. Just hordes and hordes of ’em. A veritable army of bad, crappy, shit-laden shit-cinema. Holy Christmas Crackerjacks! Are there any good movies ever? Yes, yes, I know all the February Oscar stuffers are still playing, so if I haven’t caught The Black Swan (have, it sucked, mostly), True Grit (awesome!), The Kings Speech (Helena Bonham Carter gives me the face palsy), and The Fighter (will see it eventually, despite my disdain for Christian Bale and his gargled goat-bleats when he’s The Dark Knight), then, yes, I really should go see them all and forget anything else in the theater exists. But, well, it isn’t that easy. I love movies.

And, really, how can Hollywood so often get it wrong? Us viewers…we’re not a complicated lot. Just give us good original stories with compelling characters, add a few well-thought out surprises and mostly we’re chomping on that popcorn faster than a ferret through a sock tube. But instead we get the equivalent of dancing dollar bills dressed up like Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.

Where does all this start?

In a new weekly column, I plan to let you in on all the Hollywood stinky little secrets they’re planning for your viewing pleasure. So, if you ever wanted to know who’s greenlighting all this resplendent garbage, well, now you’ll know. Perhaps you’ll learn what to avoid completely, what to watch and mock mercilessly, or what to mock and avoid at your discretion.

Here are some things currently in development:


1) Red Sonja – Hey, Rose McGowan really needs the work! Well, since Robert Rodriguez, McGowan’s director boyfriend, lost this project to Simon West, they’re going a different way. Amber Heard (I have no idea who she is) has been tapped for the lead role. Let’s be honest. While it’s a cult classic and always good for a few laughs, Red Sonja was never a great movie. Brigitte Nielsen was like a mannequin with biceps.

That said, I don’t have much hope that this will be a better version, especially given the casting of Amber Heard, nobody person. It’s like making an already B-movie even B-ierer, if there is such a thing. The saving grace (Not really!) is that they plan to release this thing in between the upcoming Conan movies. (another pitiless reboot.) Strangely I don’t think that will help. We’ll just wonder why it was made at all.

2) Fletch – Once thought to be a Kevin Smith vehicle, but since the Clerks director has decided to retire (and go on the college tour circuit permanently?), there’s been no word on who would reprise the title role, write the damn thing, or helm it as director, for that matter. Nonetheless, Warner Bros. plans to move ahead with reincarnating the 1980’s movie about a smarmy reporter/man of disguise. Who are you thinking for the lead role? My vote is for Joel McHale or Paul Rudd, but since this is an awful idea, prepare for Shia LaBeouf or John Krasinski.


3) Highlander –  Um, okay. Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery made this famous, I suppose. Well, I think the SPIKE channel likes to air it, so I guess that means something.  There were numerous sequels, and if I’m not mistaken some sort of early 1990’s syndicated show, so it’s not as if the franchise is already suffering from overexposure or anything like that. Of course not. Apparently there is still a need to see immortal warrior dudes fighting it out in kilts and things. I assume they didn’t get the message that the only immortals us viewers like nowadays are vampires.

Neal Moritz, the producer of XXX and the Fast and Furious Franchises is involved, so that’s, uh, something. Basically what I take away from this is that the famous tagline “there can be only one,” isn’t exactly true, now is it?

4) Lethal Weapon – I think we’re all too old for this shit. Warner Bros. strikes again. Nevermind the fact that this movie is so closely related to Rage-a-maniac, Shout Monster Mel Gibson, they’re going full steam ahead with rebooting…well, actually they planned on a Lethal Weapon 5, starring Mel and Danny, but here’s what I think…the rest of the suits in that meeting just fell over dead when they heard that pitch. Just heart stopped, fucking toes up in the air dead. So, they’ve decided to find newer and younger guys to do this crazed man and sidekick retread. This is an awful, dreadful, idea…but hear me out, don’t you just see the guys from Psych doing this? James Roday and Dulé Hill would be awesome, no? No. Okay.


5) Dynasty – Break out the shoulder pads and the rat tail comb because ladies and gents Blake Carrington would like to take you on a bed of rubies. Not totally. The original creators, Richard and Esther Shapiro, are planning a prequel set in the 1960’s. So think Mad Men with more haughty stares and people calling each other “Bitch” with drinks in their hands. Thankfully there isn’t a studio ready to take this one on. But they have hope, boy, do they have hope. You can all thank the A-Team for this. Once you show that making one 1980’s laughable, egomaniacal farce in the wake of several others that have similarly crashed and burned to the ground…the point isn’t to learn from that mistake. No, the plan is to continue. Continue on like nothing happened, and let the critics pick at the dead carcass later, because you’ve made your money. Now you can go buy a boat.

That’s it for now. Your hurl sacks are situated in the tray holder directly in front of you.

Nights of the Amazon: Wonder Woman Reboot Has a Star

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Adrianne Palicki of Friday Night Lights fame has been cast as Wonder Woman after a long search for an even longer project that has finally found a home with NBC and David E. Kelley as producer.
It would seem that most every raven-haired actress from Angelina Jolie to Beyonce’ Knowles were either considered or expressed interest in reprising the role. Most recently rumors swirled when Mad Men star, Christina Hendricks remarked how excited she would be to take on the part. A far cry from the sentiments of  Megan Fox, best known for mounting motorcycles in the Transformers movies, when she scorned the possibility of tackling the role and stated that she found Wonder Woman to be “lame,” sparking fury and contempt among the purists, and even garnering some disdain from Lynda Carter the iconic actress who played the role in the 1970’s version of the show.

Purists now believe that Palicki is a good fit, and Carter has given her blessing for her newly named successor to slap on the wristlets and tighten up her lasso. At 5”11, she certainly has the height and stature to play the Amazonian princess. And due to her appeal on Friday Night Lights as Tyra Collette, many find that she has the gravitas to handle the role, much unlike her costar Minka Kelly who may have enjoyed rumors that she too should be considered as the femme crime fighter. It’s certainly possible that if she were in the running, the most recent showing of her latest cinematic efforts in the movie The Roommate found those rumors effectively squashed. The Roommate earned a shameful 6% on the Tomatometer according to the Rotten Tomatoes review website. Not the highest endorsement.

Given the appeal of Palicki the only concerns that remain surrounds the plot and writing. Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame was tapped to write a theatrical adaptation, but that version has been shelved indefinitely. Stepping in his place for the small screen version is acclaimed writer-producer David E. Kelley of Ally McBeal fame who already has a completed pilot. The early response to Kelley’s inaugural effort has not been good.  Jace Lacob of the Daily Beast has called it “laughably bizarre.” and says, “Wonder Woman is presented as a weepy career woman-slash-superheroine with three identities.” Wowsa! What just what? He goes on to say that she’s “cloying” and “tragically un-hip.” Definitely not what you want to hear going into a new television series. And NBC, currently in fourth place according to recent ratings, can’t afford another failure.

Which makes one wonder given the current trajectory of The Cape and other failed series on the once prolific network, is NBC the best place for an iconic series of this ilk? Will the network responsible for reboots of The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider, both succumbing to quick cancellation, be able to pull this one off?

My instincts tell me to be quite wary.


Other than some talk of the upcoming plot and pilot there’s been no word as of late as to the costumery of the new Wonder Woman, which I assume could start much debate, especially since in the comic version she recently appeared in pants to the chagrin of many fans. I happen to like the symbolic bustier and short shorts, even if outdated, it’s still nostalgic. Should it be verboten since we’re apparently a much more sensitive viewing public?

For me, I like the whole package. A woman who could kick ass, command an invisible plane, and still look sexy as all get out while doing it. Who’s to say that’s not still feminist?

What do you think? How does the new Wonder Woman pilot sound? (Palicki aside….sounds like crap to me!) And should Wonder Woman get a 2011 makeover?

Ratings Shuffle: America Still Likes These Boobs on Their Tube

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So, Charlie Sheen does the Crack. Um, okay. I totally get it, booze, girls, and a television show that gives you a veritable monetary windfall — to, uh afford your booze, girls, and now crack cocaine. Sounds almost exactly what we expect from Charlie Sheen, minus the part where he tells kids to “Stay off the crack unless you know how to manage it.” Ho, Boy! Yeah. That Sheen — doing so much for America’s youth.

Anyway, this does nothing to explain how America is still keeping Two and a Half Men at the top of the Nielsen Charts. I’d really like to meet a Two and a Half Men fan one day. Mostly to see if they have tails and live beneath the basement stairs in various old age homes scattered throughout Middle America, but that’s for another day.

Here now is what’s going on in your new weekly ratings report!

CBS, this behemoth network full of single men and/or nerds sharing a home, military head slapping, and a guy who tells his kids about all the women he has sex with that aren’t their mother, was the leader of the pack last week pulling in 3.4 adults in the 18-49 group, edging out Fox which finished a tenth of a point behind with a 3.3 rating. ABC came in third with 2.1, and NBC, home of The Cape, trailed in fourth place with a 1.6 rating! (Is it because of the The Cape, because I think it’s because of The Cape.)

The number one program, and undoubtedly the biggest draw for the CBS network last week, was Sunday night’s Grammys Award Show which apparently many of you sycophants thought was awesome. I did not. We’ll agree to disagree on that point.


The much troubled Charlie Sheen and Co. came in at a more than respectable #6 according to Nielsen, but was beaten out by American Idol on both Wednesday and Thursday nights, followed by Modern Family, and Glee. However, the crack afficionado and cast still managed to win in ratings over House, NCIS (Head Slappers!), The Big Bang Theory, and Grey’s Anatomy, which rounded out the top ten. [TV By the Numbers]

Unfortunately, or fortunately, who knows! The network’s rebooted James Belushi and Jerry O’Connell legal drama, The Defenders, is looking at the chopping block. And, guys, it’s looking back and saying yum. Not the first show on the network staring down the barrel of cancellation, Medium had that honor. Reportedly, there’s a bit of scuttlebutt about how the network cancelled Medium just to put The Defenders, a seemingly worse show, in its place. That’s mostly all bunk since Medium had abysmal ratings and was slated for cancellation anyway. Case and point, I personally haven’t watched that show since the early 00’s right before the big, “I see dead people who haunt me and help me solve crimes” boom, which eventually became, “I have psychic/stellar deductive reasoning skills to help me solve crimes and wiggle my eyebrows at pretty girls” boom, all mostly serving to clog up television like a preternatural arterial blockage of unoriginality. But whatever, Psych! It rules! The Mentalist…not so much. Luckily, we’re only down to about two of those now, but no, it’s certainly not The Defenders fault. It was just time for Medium to end.


Things also aren’t going so well for T.J. Hooker’s new grumpy old man series, $#*! My Dad Says. Um, can I just say that the Zapf Dingbats My Dad Says Shit-show didn’t really look like a good idea to begin with? I don’t know, but something about James T. Kirk walking around in a khaki vest haranguing his son, even without a purse on his arm, just seems so very 1986. Estelle Getty is probably somewhere in the ether shaking an angry fist at the blasphemous portrayal of her shtick.

So, that’s it folks. CBS reigns supreme. This makes me sad, mostly. I blame everyone else. I take responsibility for The Big Bang Theory, but that’s all. We should gift wrap V in an alien egg incubator and give it to CBS. That would help. No, really, this is awesome for CBS, I think.

Things to Consider for Next Year’s Grammys

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So Sunday night’s Grammys were excruciating! Did the quality of the show equal the length? No! Did the performances meet the overall expectation of mediocre and mostly unmemorable? Yes!  If I could describe the whole show in a sentence I’d probably say…”It was like watching Gwyneth Paltrow sing with Muppets while Cee Lo Green possibly laid a rainbow colored egg in a technicolor Hanna–Barbera turkey costume.” But that really happened!

What were some of the things that we’ve seen before that they should never do again, but probably will?

Get Your Hair Swoops Prepared

By next year Justin Bieber will no longer be a bubble gum sensation; all the purple hoodies and singing in a boyishly girlish falsetto will be dunzo. So who will be the next crooner with a swoop thing on their heads made of rubber cement and owl feathers?

I think it’s safe to say that given the current trajectory of Jaden and Willow Smith’s career of nepotism and genetic privilege…they’ll be the next celebrity spawn to launch a music career fully funded and endorsed by their parents…and the world. I imagine the whole Smith clan will take the stage at next year’s Grammys . Perhaps there will be a light show and a Scientology Colonic given to audience members as they perform. I mean what else could there be when Scientologistic alien people-pods start hypnotizing the world with their lulling lifeforce sounds?  Music?

Gaga Gone Madonna, Egads!

Personally, I’m done with this gimmick princess. Don’t many of us, when watching la Gags, believe it’s still 2009, so the eventual appearance of Gaga in a gilded cage full of human hearts and peanut brittle, makes you sigh just a little, especially when she comes trotting out of an egg incubator ready to shock you…and she sings Madonna’s Express Yourself? Yes, because that’s what Gaga fans need…more access to a time capsule. Fantastic. 2009 becomes 1989. Be prepared, Gagaophiles, because 2010 will be mostly shit, but you don’t know that yet! So yes, I predict more Madonna bastardization from Gaga, and I certainly look forward to the Madge backlash…or frontlash, or vadgelash. I dunno. Whatever the Gaga portends nowadays.

Perhaps Gaga’s next dance single will be called Vacation, because the British interpretation of the same event, uh, Holiday was already taken by, uh, someone.

Katy Perry and Her Boobs Sing-A-Long

Grammys 2012? Well, what to do if the Perry Boobs aren’t on full display? Listen to her music and watch her stomp on stage crashing and sputtering about like a big-eyed sugar-high baby on Gymboree apparatus that’s what! Boobs aside, there could be sparks flying from her torso, candy dripping down her face, or a trapeze with a parasailing Russell Brand who’ll land and tell ten minute jokes about how tight his and Mick Jagger’s pants are! The entire audience will explode into a pop orgasm of cheese and empty calories because that is exactly what hearing a Katy Perry song will do to you…make you bloated and full of obese particles from all of the trans fats that seep into your ear holes and attach themselves to your thighs at the sight and sound of this continuing spectacle.

Basically, I don’t think the Perry and her chest lumps are going anywhere anytime soon.

100% More Old People

Mick Jagger! You couldn’t wait to see him perform and do that duck-lipped chicken strut, or hear the creaking vocals of someone who still thinks they can hit the high notes and gyrate effectively without looking like they’re flinching rhythmically during a prostate exam. And if that wasn’t enough, I know you practically seized with joy while Bob Dylan had a rambling embolism on stage to the tune of various vagabonds playing their corn cob pipes and washboards with spoons.

But, are one, maybe two, walking, singing, and strutting hip replacements satisfactory…well, not if you’re the Grammys! Streisand and a full orchestra just appeared out of nowhere to the quickening of Lea Michele’s cold dead heart, and made us all fall asleep to the nasal inflections of the world’s most companionable lullaby artist. Not sure how they can top that in 2012. Maybe with Rick Springfield, Ozzy Osbourne, and Carol Channing’s stirring rendition of Hello Dolly?

I assume they’re already working this out and the wonderful dichotomy that is the pairing of young stars with octogenarians will be ratcheted up next year. So plan for a bit more Metamucil in your Four Loko.

Hollywood Sings for Your Amusement

Gwyneth Paltrow!  She’s Country Strong….well, if that country is Hollywood and being raised by a famous producer and his actress wife. That’s just like dustbowl Kansas, right? The sterile queen of white-walled living got down and funky Sunday night. Not because it’s the current thing she’s doing to stave off boredom and motherhood. No, not at all. Perhaps this isn’t just a fad. Perhaps getting an Oscar all those years ago just really makes life anticlimactic at this point. It’s not nearly enough to make shrimp tacos, get paid millions of dollars to make us believe that you enjoy country music…no, not at all.  We just really need to see you in stiletto Louboutins singing with Cee Lo and Muppets because there’s a current void in our lives.  Looking forward to Alyssa Milano’s new CD full of fist-pumping club hits to make the rounds at Seaside Heights’ Club Karma next summer.

So there you have it. All the upcoming awesomeness for next year. What do you think? Did I miss anything? What are your predictions?