As a vampire lore purist, I could sooo discuss the improbability of vampire-to-human impregnation, but that’s beside the point. Some of you will be squeeing all over yourselves with joy when this latest Stephenie Meyer Scooby-Doo Vampire Movie is released with all its yearning and angst-ridden stares.
Don’t lie. You know it’s true.
So, it looks like Eddie and Belly finally tie the knot and have the bed-breaking, window-shattering, supernatural undead sex every pre-teen who’s ever gazed upon Robert Pattinson’s oversized cranium has been waiting for. Spectacular. No, not really. Based on the trailer, what else is going on in this movie with the exception of fang-banging and pulsing uteri? The werewolf/large Pekinese dog is angry that its human owner, Jacob, was stood up at the school dance, apparently. And everyone else in the trailer thinks this movie is an episode of David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding. They’re just waiting to see if Bella and Edward have an “Arabian Nights in Paris”-themed wedding, right? “We bought them a garlic press from Pottery Barn. Yay us!” Seriously, what is the big fat hairy deal, Garfield the cat asks?
Wait…okay. Conflict! Some dudes get thrown into a wall, so I guess maybe that means it isn’t all pregnant dancing vampire marshmallow sunshine in this Skittles movie dreamscape? Maybe there’s some sort of antagonist, then? Snort. Yeah, I’m thinking probably not what most of us consider “bad guys.” These will probably be former models who’ve graduated to minimal speaking parts in brand new movie talkies.
Mostly, though, it looks like this will be Twilight: The Wedding Episode followed up in short order by Twilight: A Baby Story. Is this being produced by TLC? If so, there’s not enough Kate Gosselin.
