Mitt Romney lost. November 6th saw the end of the Romney campaign, and the total collapse of the entire Romneyverse. The multiverse imploded–it was Crisis on Infinite Romneys. Blood ran red in the corridors of Fox News, and the Romney campaign waved its arms, made honking noises, and collapsed with a clang like the giant robot in Iron Giant. Continue reading
A Mitt Romney rally in Pennsylvania took a dark turn, according to ominous reports from eyewitnesses. Romney staffers refused to let people leave the rally, despite freezing temperatures. Disgruntled rally-goers complained on Twitter, first in anger, then in horror, then in madness and despair, as the event transmogrified from a poorly administered rally by an incompetent campaign, to an eldritch night of unfathomable terror. Continue reading
The Des Moines Register has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. This is their first endorsement of a Republican presidential candidate since the spectacularly successful presidency of sweaty felon Richard Nixon.
The endorsement was not without controversy, according to reports, with considerable whiskey-fueled shouting coming from the editorial offices. “Mr Romney exudes a virile, Nixonian charm, a heady can-do musk that will get this country back to work,” the endorsement drunkenly opines. The logic-free piece praises President Obama’s stimulus package, rambles a bit, and then asserts that consumer and business confidence will rise through a magical, unexplained process if Nixon Romney is elected. Continue reading
From the shit-lagoons of Iowa, to the maple warrens of New Hampshire, to the dark merman-infested swamps of Florida, we come now to the End Times. After thirty-nine Republican frontrunners, from the Eye of Moron to vile space-beast Newt Gingrich; from pizza-comedian Herman Cain to Texas governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump, after three hundred and fifty-seven GOP candidate debates, and one vice-presidential debate, we arrived at the third and final presidential debate. This was the last question in the presidential job interview. Time to close the deal. Continue reading
Former President George McGovern died Sunday morning at the age of ninety, at his home in Sioux Falls, S.D. A two-term senator from South Dakota, McGovern served as vice-president under Robert Kennedy from 1969 to 1977. After a contentious primary battle, McGovern narrowly lost the presidential election of 1976 to the Republican ticket of Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon. He was elected President in 1980, and re-elected in 1984. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1982, and the American Society of Historians ranked President McGovern ninth in their list of Ten Greatest Presidents in 2004. Continue reading
Willard Mittonicum Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men, debated Barack Obama, President of the United States, before a crowd of nitwits, ne’er-do-wells, Richard Dreyfus impersonators, mildly unhappy women, short-term memory loss sufferers, and a kid named Jeremy at the Manhattan Clam Chowder Institute in Montauk on Tuesday.
This was their second debate. The first debate, in Denver, was something of a disaster for Obama. Bill Clinton had given him some terrible debate advice at the previous week’s Presidential Poker Game in the White House basement rumpus room. “Before ah whupped ol’ man Bush,” the ex-president declaimed, his mouth full of ranch dip, “ah et a whole turkey. You eatcha a WHOLE turkey, right before your debate, and you’ll tan ol’ Mitty’s ass. Also, don’t wear no underwear. It’ll make ya feel looser, think better.” Clinton liked to talk like a yokel because it infuriated Jimmy Carter and threw him off his game. Obama was skeptical of the turkey plan, but Clinton’s poker advice had been spot-on. Jimmy Carter bluffed constantly, and the robot with FDR’s brain NEVER bluffed. Obama decided that maybe Clinton’s debate tips were good, too. This was a mistake. Continue reading
A week after Willard Romney overclocked his untruth modules and scampered energetically around the sleeping President during the debate in Denver, the two vice-presidential candidates met for a debate in the pleasantly whisky-scented auditorium at Yokelburg State College in Kentucky. Vice President Joe Biden’s goal was to stop weeping Democrats from jumping off of ledges. “Atlas Shrugs” cosplayer Paul Ryan wanted to show everybody he was all growed up. Continue reading
In his mountain fastness of Castle Romney, high in the windswept Utah Alps, Willard Mittonicum Jackasticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and Republican Presidential nominee, prepared for the first Presidential debate. His campaign is in something of a shambles, and his advisors were hoping Romney could turn it around with a non-crappy performance at the debate. Continue reading
Vile space gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich hosted a campaign event on his luxurious orbiting pleasure barge, Infidelicus, for reptilian GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin. Akin, a widely despised man-lizard, has been something of a laughingstock since he revealed in an interview his total lack of knowledge about how human babies are made. Continue reading
Ricardo “Shoeless Dick” Santorum spoke at the GOP convention on Tuesday. He spent Monday night in the hobo camp near the convention center, drinking stolen Cigar City Jai-Lai Pale Ale and eating Cuban sandwiches and black beans salvaged from the dumpster behind the Columbia Restaurant. The one-time senator is very fond of beans. “Goddamn,” he told his fellow hobos. “Those are some damn good beans.” Continue reading