Daily Archives: April 19, 2011

11 posts

Hello Darlinks! I Have Some Gossip News for You

Hello Darlinks! This is my first post for Crasstalk, so expect some chaos (well, even more than normal for me, and “normal” chaos for me is like “background radiation” at Fukushima lately, so fasten your seat belts; I’ve been banned by Gawker Media six times {twice in one day: what do I win?} so I give it a week before someone here is slamming the door on my ass and NO I AM NOT DEFENSIVE SO STOP SAYING THAT).

Where was I? Oh, right, about to dish up some celebrity links. Now, there are those of you who may know one or two things about me, starting with “Self-referential.” You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Because three times a week I get paid to do celebrity gossip roundups and I stick four of my own blogs right at the top of the links. Crasstalk is going to go in there too, in a couple of days. The rest are chosen on the basis of being either really amusing, really revealing, or fitting into an arbitrarily-chosen theme really, really well. Sometimes I make them all rhyme. Sometimes they’re all death-related. Sometimes it’s Stories Whose Headlines Can Be Contorted To Form Dirty Words When Read From Top To Bottom or whatever. But sometimes (it must be admitted, even by me) that it’s just the Top 15 or so Easy To Describe Stories From The Blogs I Like Best Right Now.

So now, having set the bar impossibly high, lowered it to the ground, and put it back up somewhere in the middle (it’s Jenga, with celebrities!) I present your gossip (and self-serving) links for the day:

Tee Many Martoonis (ManoloFood)

Spa No Go? Oh. (raincoaster)

Marilyn Monroe conquers the world! (Ayyyy)

Is this how the Spears family started? (Lolebrity)

Tom Cruise sees red (AgentBedhead)

And it turns out he’s not even related to Viggo! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Evan Rachel Wood lives up to his name (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Vanessa Hudgens in tampon chain fashion tragedy (CelebritySmack)

And then Trump asked for its birth certificate (CelebVIPLounge)

Joey Ramone lives on. On white trash (CityRag)

NPH has double trouble (DailyStab)

How many celebutards does it take to dance on the head of a mushroom? (DippedInCream)

Oh, Aniston, it’s SO mutual (EarSucker)

Mike Tyson is serious about this yoga thing, too (FitFabCeleb)

Elizabeth Hurley will never age. STOP IT ALREADY, BITCH! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Let me get this straight…If you sleep under Miley Cyrus’ armpits, you will never have nightmares? (HaveUHeard)

JSimp wigs out (HollywoodHiccups)

Shack up with Glee! (INeedMyFix)

Royal Wedding rehearsal shocker! (MathewGuiver)

Nicki Minaj drops the dildo for Britney (PoorBritney)

Fergie drops the “D-List Bomb” on the TSA (PopBytes)

Huh? Seriously? Kirstie Alley was onstage at the same time? (Swoonworthy)

Miley Cyrus appears to have a shin cellulite problem??? (TheSkinny)


Twitterama – The Best Of Twitter – April 19

Well hello again Crasstalk friends!  I hope your weekend was pleasant, productive, or at least fun and that you’re easing into your week. It seems our faithful Crasstalk bretheren were among some of the most entertaining content of the Twitterverse over the weekend, so let’s recap, shall we?

Boobookitteh has a question:

Our own leniribbons brings up a good point:

I don’t know who this guy is, but this entertained me.

Patton Oswalt is actually pretty funny.  I had no idea until Twitter.

Once more, Death Star PR comes through.

Simon Pegg witnesses a mother killing her child’s dream.  A moment, please:

Men, please don’t try this at home:


This Julius Sharpe guy is a writer for Family Guy and my latest Twitter followee:


That’s all for now, ladies and gents.  If you know of an awesome member of the Twitterverse, please let me know.  In the meantime, keep Tweeting, bitches!

Arctic Sovereignty or How I Learned to Live with Nuclear-powered Ice Breakers.

In August 2010 Stephen Harper, the Canadian Prime Minister, took his yearly tour through the Arctic, spending 5 days visiting various spots.  Harper loves the Arctic, it would seem. During his tour he made an announcement about funding for a kick-ass new airport in Churchill, Manitoba, checked out a military operation and had a bit of fun with reporters and an ATV. Harper also had strong words for anyone who wants to fuck around in Canada’s part of the Arctic, saying that Canada’s Arctic sovereignty was “nonnegotiable.”


As you can see, it gets a bit messy in the middle there.

Harper is a Conservative and a huge responsibility of being a genuine Conservative is having reason to spout off very robust nationalist rhetoric (and rhetoric is really all it is as Canada still lacks behind every other nation with a stake in the Arctic in terms of real cash investment, but that’s another story for another day). Arctic sovereignty is an ideal issue for Harper to secure his legacy of nationalism and patriotism; a perspective he is very eager for us all the view him from (still waiting on that book about hockey, though). It allows him to emphasize Canada’s North-ness, something we’ve long  been associated with (“Oh, honey look, what lovely tundra they have”), talk tough with other countries  for once and spend money on new military toys. Add a flag and that’s patriotic gold right there.

However, there are more reasons Canada is suddenly interested in its Arctic sovereignty. There are delicious petroleum resources up there but the extraction of these resources had previously not been economically viable. As global warming continues it war on industry and the human way of life, it is turning the Arctic into a less icy, more habitable frozen hellhole.

Secondly, there is the question of the Northwest Passage, a passage that in this novice’s humble opinion is totally part of Canadian internal waters. However, two of the world’s biggest international bullies the US and Russia insist that it is an international strait or “transit passage,” meaning they want to be able to pass through it whenever they please without having to consult the Canadian authorities. You see, as the ice cover in the Arctic melts away never to be seen again, the possibility of creating a usable shipping route through the Northwest Passage is getting more and more likely. The Americans and the Russians (and to a certain extent countries like Norway and Denmark) want to be able to use it without having to pay tariffs. Would the Americans be as generous if they had a passage that connected the Atlantic and the Pacific? I think not! Quite simply it appears that those fucking Canucks have something that everybody else wants to use and are prepared to use force to get it. For now though we’re still waiting on those icebreakers Harper said he was going to have built back in 2006. Actually it was degraded to eight shittier kinds of boats and then downgraded to six of those shitty boats. The Russians have icebreakers, you know. Nuclear powered ones.

Graphic: Durham University


The Amazing Race: Freudian Slips

Welcome back, Race spectators! One disclaimer here–I couldn’t find any decent photos of this leg of The Amazing Race, so I just gave you all what you wanted, which is gratuitous shots of the Cowboys looking adorable, and apparently the TAR graphics from The Season That Dare Not Ever Repeat Itself. Okay enough with the small talk, let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Globetrotters left the seventh pit stop in a race around the world at 2:07 a.m., which is a crappy time to leave a pit stop because there generally are no flights, trains, etc. in the wee hours of the morning. The clue directed teams to a travel agency where they purchased airline tickets to Vienna, Austria. In the cab ride to the travel agency, Flight Time noted that Austria is where the Terminator is from, and we were treated to several not-so-good impressions of Ahhhnold. As a side note (and because this is tax season), my accountant sounds exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it is impossible to leave his office without saying, “I’m going to tuuuhhhminate your reeeefund,” at least once. Okay twice. Pretty much the entire walk to the F train. Anyway….

The Nerds left next, followed by the Sisters, Father/Daughter, the “Couple,” and the Cowboys.  After reading the clue, Mallory remarked, “Vienna, is that cold?” Seriously? Shut up shut up shut up! She is such a moron! Vyxsin noted that they were the only dating couple left in the race, and that having a romantic relationship with your racing partner is a little bit different. They’re really stretching that “couple” thing to its breaking point, along with my last nerve.

At the travel agency, the teams learned that there were two different routes to Vienna. One had two connecting flights and arrived at 6:00 a.m., and another had three connecting flights and arrived at 5:35 a.m. All teams chose the earlier flight…except the Cowboys. They made a power move which banked on the other teams running into problems with the extra connection. How’d that work out for them? Not so good. The 5:35 a.m. flight got in first, which left the Cowboys in last place. Again.

Once in Austria, the teams had to choose a Ford Focus in the airport parking garage. The cars were equipped with some sort of modern techmonology that allowed Phil to speak to the teams on a magical screen attached to the dashboard. Phil told the teams to drive in reverse and read the clue on the magical screen, which looked as dangerous as it sounds. Imagine five cars all parked near each other backing up at the same time. Oh, and the winners of this leg will receive a Ford Focus with a magical screen.

Miraculously, there was no five-car pile-up in the parking garage and the teams discovered that they had to drive to “Schloss Schallaburg.” Father/Daughter were having problems figuring out the magical screen because he is an old and she is a moron. In the interim, the Cowboys arrived at the parking garage, which makes me wonder how in the heck Father/Daughter let a half hour slip past them.

The Nerds were the first to arrive in Schloss and learned that “Schallaburg” was a castle where they received a clue directing them to the local library. It looked bitter cold outside, and each team had a different approach to clothing. Vyxsin, naturally, had puffy pink earmuffs, while the Globetrotters were wearing shorts. The Nerds just sucked it up and added another thin layer to their pasty skin. No one looked comfortable with the weather, but it seemed to have taken an especially harsh toll on the “Couple” who were fighting like cats and chiwawas.  At one point, Vyxsin told Kynt to stop acting like a chick, which was funny because I’ve been saying that since Day One.

When the Nerds arrived at the library, they were greated with a Detour! They had a choice between a long hard walk or a quick and easy meal. In Long Hard Walk, teams had to go to the Freud Museum and pick up an analyst couch which they then had to transport one mile to the University of Vienna. In Quick And Easy Meal, teams had to go to a giant ferris wheel where they each had to eat a local meal in the dining car of the ferris wheel. The trick for this one was, they had to eat all of the food during one twelve-minute rotation of the ferris wheel. Oh yeah, that’s the one to go with. At this point, I was openly chanting, “Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel!”

As luck would have it, the Nerds, the Sisters, and Father Daughter picked the wheel! The Globetrotters and the “Couple” wisely chose the couch thing. More on that later, but first, let’s discuss the ill-advised meal.

The Sisters started first and were each faced with several large pieces of meat that looked like it was battered and fried, with a small salad on the side and a slice of chocolate cake. Twelve minutes, ladies! They were using knives and forks and that did not seem like the correct way to approach a plate full of food and a time limit, but kudos to them for hanging on to whatever dignity they had left. The Nerds were next, and Zev suggested eating the mound of food “slow and steady.” That also didn’t sound like a good strategy. Six minutes into it, the Sisters were about halfway done with their main coarse and hadn’t even started on the cake yet.  The Nerds had made a bit more progress, but Zev was slowing down at the halfway mark, at which point the boys clearly realized that choosing this task was a terrible idea.

The Sisters and the Nerds failed and were off to move couchs. Father/Daugher tried next. With four minutes left, they started snarfing down their food….and failed. Mallory, ever the go-getter, volunteered to throw up and try again, but thankfully her father decided to call it quits and move on to the moving of the couches.

Over at the couches, the Globetrotters got to the Freud Museum first, and oh my, Big Easy picked up that couch and carried it on his shoulder like it was nothing. The “Couple” were having a tough time with the carrying and lifting because Kynt’s arms are made of bendy straws filled with jelly. Oh, and because he wouldn’t stop whining like a little bitch.

The Sisters did a great job of carrying their couches. The Nerds were struggling a bit, and just as they brought their couch out of the museum, the Cowboys showed up. That put a little spring back into the Cowboys’ two-step because they knew that they were back in the race. At one point Cord said, “I was thinking it might have been faster if I lay on the couch, worry about my feelings, and Jet could push me.” They stopped just short of a proper Freud joke, so sorry boys, close but no cigar.

The Globetrotters delivered their couch first and received the next clue which directed them to a restaurant in Salzburg. The “Couple” delivered their couch next, then the Sisters. The poor Nerds were absolutely dying with their couch delivery. They got bad directions at the University and carried their couch up three flights of unnecessary stairs, which allowed the Cowboys to pass them. When Father/Daughter finally delivered their couch last, they counted the couches and saw that there were five others already there, which put them in last place.

The Globetrotters found the clue box in Salzburg first. Roadblock! Chimney sweeping! One team member had to dress in a chimney sweep uniform, climb to the roof, use a special tool to clean a chimney, and then climb back down to retrieve their clue. Big Easy’s uniform looked ridiculously small. Come on, TAR, you can make a suit of armor for a midget but you can’t make a chimney sweep uniform for a giant?

Big Easy moved quickly and was finished before anyone else even showed up. The clue directed teams to the pit stop at Villa Trapp, the real home of the Von Trapp family.

The Nerds arrived next, and what was that? Did Zev just make a “that’s what she said” joke? As in, “Make [the rope] bigger, that’s what she said.” It’s not great, but considering this is Zev we’re talking about, it’s not bad. Zev finished the task next, then the Sisters followed by the “Couple.” Then, the Cowboys arrived, and oh my, Jet or Cord (I’m not sure which, the ginger one) looked really kind of hot in his chimney sweep uniform.

And holy crap, the Nerds were the first team to check in at the pit stop! How did they beat out the Globetrotters? I have no idea. But they won cars! Well, good for them, they looked as surprised as I was. The Globetrotters checked in next, then the “Couple.”

The Cowboys finished the Roadblock before Father/Daughter even showed up and checked in at the pit stop at the same time as the Sisters.

Father/Daughter were the last team to arrive, but it was a non-elimination leg. I am not happy about this because Father/Daughter annoy me for some reason I can’t quite explain. She’s just too peppy. I’m not into pep. I’ll choose a maudlin cynic over a peppy cheerleader every time and I’m sick of seeing her happiness on my dummy box.

Anyhoo, next week Father/Daughter fight to stay in the Race and the teams enjoy fondue in Switzerland. So we’re getting down to the wire here, with six teams remaining. Any predictions? Are you happy with the final teams? Does this season make you want to run the Race or remain safely tucked into your couch? And the most important question of all, which cowboy is hotter?

Movie Review: Hanna


Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Eric Bana & Cate Blanchett

Directed by: Joe Wright

Written by: Seth Lochhead and David Farr. Story by Seth Lochhead

Often times when you go into a movie you aren’t certain what you are going to get. Sure, you can see previews and read reviews but there’s always the possibility you’ll be surprised. This one of the great as well as awful things about spending money to go see a film. More often than not it seems that people are drawn into a bad film based on a clever trailer and leave disappointed. Sometimes though a film can end up being better than you expected.

Such was the fortunate case for me in seeing Hanna. Sure I like Joe Wright as a director, after all 2 out of his other 3 features (minus the abysmally reviewed/received “The Soloist”) have been quite good. And although Bana and Blanchett have more pluses than minuses in my book, their respective presences do not guarantee a film’s quality.

The biggest x factor of course was Saoirse Ronan herself. I have only seen the recently turned 17 year old actress in one other film to date, the exceptional 2007 Joe Wright directed film Atonement. However I was impressed with the gravitas and talent that she brought to the screen at the time. I have also heard she was great in the otherwise lackluster film adaptation of the The Lovely Bones. I am pleased to see not only did she not disappoint, but she helped make the film exceed my expectations.

Hanna (Ronan) has grown up in the wilds near the arctic circle. She has never known more than her relatively simple very low tech life. However despite their less than modern accommodations, her father Erik (Bana), a man with a mysterious past, has given her a very deep and varied education including a multitude of languages, sharp shooting and deadly hand to hand combat skills. Essentially he has trained her to be an assassin. When the time comes and Hanna decides she is ready she is able to send a signal notifying auhorities where they are. This alerts Marissa (Blanchett), a former colleague of her father’s, that Erik is in fact still alive and sets into motion events that will challenge Hanna’s ability to survive.

This film truly did impress me on a number of levels. There are a goodly number of high action sequences and I was very pleased with the skill in which Wright and cinematographer Alwin Kuchler were able to capture everything without relying on recent conventions of blurred movement and shaky cams which have been become staples of action sequences in recent years. Beyond that there were in fact a number of shots worked in that were fairly unique and did not detract from the viewing experience.

Eric Bana delivers a solid and believable performance as Hana’s well meaning father. Their relationship despite moments of violence between them is truly the emotional heart of the story. Regardless of how unconventional their lives are in the film you can’t help but think he did his damnedest to be a good father.

Equally skilled was the far more often great than not Cate Blanchett. Though she has been in a few films I consider duds (cough Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the cash grab sequel cough) she generally is one of the highlights of the films she chooses and has enormous range in her craft. As the decidedly vile Marissa she delivers yet again, bringing a believable foil and counterpoint to Erik.

But as I stated before the success of this film mainly rests on the shoulders of Saiorse Ronan. She is magnificent as the titular character. She conveys such intensity that she doesn’t just hold her own in the scenes she shares with the other leads, she owns them. I cannot say enough how impressed I was with her. Training for the role could not have been easy by a long shot and in the hands of a less capable actress the action scenes would not have been half as believable. The best thing I can think of to describe her character is the grit and determination of Sarah Conner or Ellen Ripley meeting the the skill and deadliness of Hit Girl. In other words, she may look sweet and innocent, but do not fuck with her.

In retrospect the story isn’t perfect. There are themes that are touched on but not fully explored or developed. There are other aspects that they just ask us to take for granted that seem fantastical. However a film like this requires a certain willing suspension of disbelief. It’s close enough to being plausible and that helps its cause. And the way in which the film comes full circle is both brutal to a degree and should be satisfying to the viewer.

2011 has thus far not been exactly spectacular on the film front. Granted there are a number of titles coming in the next weeks and months that fans of any number of styles can appreciate and enjoy. In the meantime however in my mind Hanna is the film that has most stood out to be noticed. The collaboration of Wright and Ronan has delivered another gem. I give it 6 beers.

The Death of Prop B – The Puppy Mill Bill

On Wednesday, April 13, the Missouri state legislature voted 85-71 to change the requirements set forth in Proposition B (also called the Puppy Mill Cruelty Prevention Act, or PMCPA), the voter referendum that would have imposed stricter standards of care in the “puppy mills” of the state.

The new legislation, SB-113, removes many of the strongest new standards of care from the original bill, including provisions that require solid cage flooring, appropriate temperature regulation, and a cap of 50 breeding animals per facility.

In a “1984”-esque move, the name of the bill is also changed from the PMCPA to the “Canine Cruelty Prevention Act.”

“In spite of decades of urging by the animal welfare community, the Missouri General Assembly remained silent on the issue of puppy mills until after the voters spoke. The failure of the General Assembly to address the problem is why we finally took this straight to the people,” says Cori Menkin, ASPCA Senior Director of Legislative Initiatives. “And as evidenced by the passage of Proposition B, Missourians care deeply about puppy mill reform. That state legislators are discarding Prop B and ignoring the will of the people they are supposed to represent is appalling, insulting and disrespectful.”

In previous articles, the conditions in puppy mills and pet stores were described in detail; treatment ranges from neglectful to cruel. So, given the abhorrent current situation, why would the legislature have gone against the will of the voters, gutted the bill, and allowed the torture of hundreds of thousands of cats and dogs to continue unabated?

The history of Prop B goes something like this: The measure began as a petition circulated in MO by various animal-welfare groups, including the Humane Society of the United States. Even after the petition was certified with nearly 200, 000 signatures, certain organizations challenged it early and often, with a particularly rabid group, the Missouri Federation of Animal Owners (I urge you to check out this link—it is a particularly good example of the kind of ignorance animal welfare groups go up against), filing a lawsuit in August against Secretary of State Robin Carnahan alleging that the term “puppy mill” was inflammatory and unfair and asking that the measure be removed from the ballot.

The lawsuit was dismissed as frivolous, but protests and anti-Prop B editorials continued, with organizations like the American Kennel Club stating their oppostion to the proposed legislation. However, Prop B passed on November 2, 2010, with a “yes” vote of 51.6%.

The reason it passed by such a narrow margin was largely due to a rural “whisper camapaign” by the agricultural lobby. Using the “slippery slope” argument, they were able to convince many farmers and livestock owners that the proposed legislation would be the first step towards requiring that cows be covered with cashmere blankets and allowed to sleep in owners’ beds at night.

Larry Miller, president of the Southeast Missouri Cattlemen’s Association said, “Down the road it’s going to affect everyone in the United States. They want to abolish all livestock production in the United States. They want to do away with hunting, killing animals for food, fishing. What are we going to eat—soybeans and corn?”

This sentiment has been the main obstacle in passing more stringent regulations in other states, such as Iowa and Indiana, which, not coincidentally, have strong agriculturally-based economies and consequently a large number of puppy mills as well.

This has also been a “Tea Party” Libertarian issue. Though these commercial breeders are already required to register with the state and with the USDA, many in Missouri argue that this is a case of the government forcing excessive regulation on the people.

Never mind that many of these breeders have been cited up to one hundred times by the USDA, which would certainly indicate a lack of effectual governance that could be strengthened by state legislation; since all animals are considered “property” from a legal standpoint, the opposition to Prop B were able to argue that people shouldn’t be mandated to do anything with their personal property.

Because Missouri has the largest number of USDA-registered “commercial” breeders, this would have set the tone for other states, and increased the pressure on legislatures to enact similar measures. Prop B became a dirty fight between the HSUS and the national agricultural lobbies because of this.

Besides lobbyist and “libertarian” opposition, the overall continued demand for purebred animals meant that dismantling the bill would have no effect on consumers. As long as people are willing to purchase pets, and as long as cities and municipalities elect not to enact bans on selling animals (San Franciso tried, but the measure was tabled), sick and mistreated animals will still make the mill owners money.

Ultimately, the governor of Missouri, Jay Nixon, still has to sign the new bill. It remains to be seen whether he will follow the will of the voters who supported this measure, or the will of the agriculture lobby and the cowed (pun absolutely intended) state legistature. Even people who oppose the measure on the grounds of being against more government regulation should be able to see that the voters did decide on this issue, and the measure should be enacted accordingly.

Here’s what you can do: contact the governor of Missouri directly if you are a resident and urge Gov. Nixon to veto SB-113. Please don’t call if you aren’t a resident of Missouri, but still consider sending an email to let him know that the will of the people and the future of animals in the United States are at stake.

If you live in a state where “puppy mill bills” are on the agenda, like Oklahoma, Texas, Nebraska and Hawaii, urge your representatives to work to pass them. Donate to the HSUS and the ASPCA. Work with your local government to stop the sale of animals- this is the best way, ultimately, to ensure that these commercial breeders’ demand dries up. Educate your friends and family about pet stores and puppy mills.

And keep this in mind: “We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.” – Immanuel Kant

QOTD: What Dream City Would You Live In?

If you’re like me and you live in a sprawling plastic sunbelt butthole, you probably spend a minute or two every single day thinking about how fucking lucky some people are to live in cool places that aren’t basically just endless strip mall parking lots.

What’s Your Dream City To Live In?

If you asked me this question 10 years ago, I would have said Paris. Franchement, les meufs de Paris sont superbe. Nowadays, though, I’ve decided that, despite its many many shortcomings, the U.S. really is the best country. I think I’d go for either Santa Cruz or San Francisco. California is just bonkers and despite my East Coast loyalty, I wouldn’t mind walking around town wearing knee-high socks and flannel shirts with only the top button buttoned.

Weekend Box Office: Not So Angry Birds Rule

At the rate we’re going we could see a Who Framed Roger Rabbit remake in our lifetime. Hell, not only in our lifetime but probably before next Christmas. The cartoons are running the world. It really is like what happened in that Rabbit movie. Does this mean Christopher Lloyd will continue being weird? Probably. Who will voice the rabbit? Oh, silly, silly, humans. Russell Brand already has our souls.

Kids like movies, and parents need kids to be occupied for minimally two hours every weekend. Everyone wins! Or at least that’s what you think.

1) Rio — $40 Million

Apparently we like singing birds, or pelicans, or cockatoos, or whatever the big blue winged creatures are in this thing. Given Rio is the biggest weekend opener so far this year, I’m beginning to think there’s really no point to not being animated. If there isn’t a colorful, animated, talking animal making poop jokes and doing some sort of musical sing-a-long than this isn’t Toontown! Right? RIGHT? I’d like to think that the Black Eyed Peas doing their little rappa-lappa-ding-dong thing set to autotune and guttural monster sounds would annoy most of the viewing public, but apparently not. Apparently we enjoy birds saying things like “Drop it, drop it low.” Drop what low exactly? Do birds have badonkadunks? Are they rump shakers or club hoppers? Possibly. Oh what Walt Disney must be thinking when the animated world has gone from “Bippity Boppity Boo” to flailing bird asses. Is Rio about bird asses?

2) Scream 4 — $19.3 Million

Well, that’s not really a great number. But who cares, Wes Craven has successfully killed off more kids in a movie! Have we thought about this, really? How long has Wes Craven wanted to kill kids? It’s all a little strange, no? He really has a fixation with the slashing of the teens. Do people invite him into their homes? Or are they all like, “Um, no, Wes. We’d love to have you, but we, you know, have kids.” I would imagine this is like what Stephen King hears when he goes out anywhere. I’m sure it’s like, “Um, no, Stephen. My husband is a clown.” Work hazard, clearly. All in all, I guess it’s a bit of a boon that this movie is number two on the list, but $19 mil is a little low to really mark a movie a true success. Well, unless you’re David Arquette and you haven’t done the whole TV/movie thing in like forever while you watch your ex-wife hitting her stride on a pretty successful TV show co-starring her new boyfriend, a hunky guy who can swim in the ocean without a t-shirt. But you know, David, you can always have Wes Craven over for dinner, because, you’re not a kid.

3) Hop — $11.2 Million

Jesus Bunny Eggs! Well, they’re still popular, and rightfully so. Jesus Bunny Egg Day is literally right around the corner. I’m thinking this movie will hold out in the top five to at least get through the blessed event, because what else says religious glory than Russell Brand and jellybean poop? (The poop. See how it’s part of animation?) Who says Mr. gyrating crotch is a flash in the pan, and that he’ll never open a movie ever again? Clearly this Hop movie says otherwise. The kids and their parents obviously like his funny jokes all trussed up in snarky bunny clothes. He should do more of that then. No, no we don’t mean being himself in a movie while running around like an albino string bean. We mean he should just do animated voices. We like his British-y voice mumble don’t we? Well, I think that’s enough. Obviously we don’t actually need to have his body attached to say “Awww, how cute. He’s a cuddle wuddlekins.” Onward, then! Hop 2: The Jellybean Resurrection should be awesome.

4) Soul Surfer — $7.4 Million

This little movie about Christian surf angels is still trying to hold on. It didn’t rake in much over the weekend, but hey, at least it’s not Arthur. Not really sure what didn’t resonate with this movie. Seriously, James Franco has one of the most gruesome arm severing scenes in history and everyone just completely lost their brainbobbles over that whole thing. This girl gets her arm taken by a shark and everyone is kind of like meh? Like the shark should’ve had on a bib and used a steak knife, I guess. What’s it take to get a little awe around these parts? Yes, sure, maybe the religion angle wasn’t what some folks had in mind, but you would think more people would have gone out to support one-armed surfing, because, man, that’s kind of way cool. Instead, well, Wes Craven is out running around in a ghost mask terrorizing all sorts of Julia Roberts relatives. Or does Eric Roberts always look that way?

5) Hanna — $7.3 Million

Boring Eric Bana’s boring offspring was boring and impassive in this boring movie about a Kung Fu kid and all the surreally wacky crackpots she comes in contact with during her long, boring, running-for-forever movie. What was this thing even about? Was she a super-spy? A miracle child? Just what? At the end I still didn’t know, nor did I care. Cate Blanchett was there though, and even she was boring. I just don’t know. I would have liked there to have been something, just anything that made sense in Hanna. Mostly though it needed more story and less run-judo-chop-run and then that’s it. I’d much rather play the new Mortal Kombat game for PS3. Mortal Kombat= $59.99 and loads of fun. Hanna = $7.3 Million and loads of snoring loudly in the movie theater.