raincoaster

20 posts
49 degrees latitude, 360 degrees attitude!

Calling All Angles

Harold Lloyd says it's your nickel
What’s that? You say you’re calling from 2011 and phonecalls in LA now cost two bits? Dude, that like totally bites! It’s bushwa!

Well, as it’s on your nickel(s) I’ll make it quick. They say Los Angeles is the city of Angels but in my experience, it’s the City where everyone has an Angle, so I’ll get straight to the point. My moll and I here have all the latest celebrity gossip, and we just can’t keep it to ourselves, so consider this your lucky day. Yeah, yeah, don’t cast a kitten, we’ll give you the goods, the genuine goods, none of that phonus bolonus. I know you’re hip to the jive, so pipe down, grab yourself a joram of skee, and listen up, old pal.

By the way, do you have any idea who any of these fellas is? Some Limey just gave me this list and told me to read it to you. Some kinda doctor or something, said he was, but he looked like a fly boy to me.

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The Bitch is Back! With your celebrity gossip roundup!

It's raincoaster, bitch
It's raincoaster, bitch

Didja miss me?

I’ve finally made it to the Great White North, only to discover it really is a helluva long way up there and the interwebs are only marginally faster than carrier pigeons, so I thought I’d just yell at you instead for today if that’s all right.

And even if it’s not.

So click onward and behold all the gossip you’ve been missing because you only read the Post and the HuffPost and the Daily Beast and you completely didn’t hear that bit about Linnocent getting shot.

 

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Big Production Gossip Links

Hold for Cecil B DeMille. HOLD EVERYTHING!!!
Hold for Cecil B DeMille. HOLD EVERYTHING!!!

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Oh what am I saying? If you can’t hear me, IT’S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, DOLLFACE!!! You’re fired.

Now peel me a grape. And get my lawyer in here. Bernie. No, the other Bernie. This Sid Korshak has to be taught a lesson: nobody pushes Cecil B. DeMille around! Now get my wheelchair. I feel like looking at the little people. I need a good laugh.

ISN’T THAT GRAPE READY YET???

No, NOT a red one. I only like the green ones. I hate Reds. While you’re running for your life to find me some green grapes, I’ll just loll here in my golden bathtub filled with tears freshly wrung from the pillows of virginal prom queens turned used-up chorines, and scrub my back with my souvenir loofah wrenched from the pinnacle of Sagrada Familia. God, I love Culture.

And baby, a semi-unfatted soy latte, half-caf. No foam. Three thirty second shots. Stirred clockwise three times by an ivory and unicorn-hair wand.

I’ll be here reading the trades.

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War Zone Gossip Links

Hello? Winston Churchill?

 

Hello, dollink. Can’t talk long. Something about the Battle of The Bay. They’ve already looted London Drugs and Holt Renfrew. No, I don’t know why, Holt’s doesn’t even carry Axe body spray!

In any case, never let it be said I left you without your gossip links in a time of crisis. So read and enjoy and tie a yellow ribbon dress around the old oak tree.

 

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Help! I Need Somebody… With Exact Change and Gossip Links

Hello, Goodbye!
Hello, Goodbye!

Hello? Goodbye?

You say yes, I say no. You say Sandra and I say Oh.

You say Di Caprio and I say Leo, Leo, Leo, hello I don’t know why you say goodbye…

Except that I think that’s quite enough of that and George and Ringo concur.

So, luv, how is everything at your Mum’s house? Enough coal in the scuttle? Sardines in the tin? Good, good. Oh, nothing. Me and the band are still on the road, you know how it is. Can’t wait to be back Merseyside. I seem to have picked up this Asian fangirl stalker; she says she’s an artist. I dunno, luv, she doesn’t seem dangerous…

[at which point the phone went dead. the following is a transcript from the John Lennon Artificial Intelligence Project]

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Nutty Gossip Links

Bette! Why’d you do it, Bette?

And why’d you leave the body in my apartment?

Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph on a Tapdancing Donkey, I’m never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER getting the bloodstains out of the Isfahan. Even Martha Stewart can’t help with this one: I asked. No, she’s a doll, she’d help if she could. Something about parole conditions and abetting a felony. GOD! Why must The Man keep her bound and gagged with red tape? They hate her because she’s a strong woman.

Bette, baby, honey, sweetie, I’m imploring you. Can’t you help me get these bloodstains out?

No, of COURSE I’m not implying that you as a persun of femininity must be relegated to dreary and unfulfilling housework: I was wondering if any of your other ghehs had a cleaning fetish. Continue reading →

Bette Davis Has Bad News For You, Baby – And Gossip Links

You want me to bring bail? Again? And what else? Booze. Performing poodles. Celebrities. And particularly Paris Hilton. Ah. I see.

I. See.

Look, darling, I’ve been meaning to say this for some time. I’m cutting you loose, sweetheart. Paying your bail is just throwing good money after bad, and as for performing poodles, well, I saw your last armpiece. Why don’t you give her a call? It shouldn’t cost you more than $25 for a full hour, or her flier is lying.
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Clark Call Gossip Links

Clark Call. You DEFINITELY want to accept the charges!

Hello? Hello? Look, darling, I’ve no time to explain. Can you come down to the police station with a C-note, an apricot-colored standard poodle that does tricks, and a couple of bottles out of Jerry’s Lagavulin stash? It’s kind of an emergency, and even if it weren’t, it would still be a heck of a party.

If you check out the gossip links below, you’ll see all the other degenerates I’ve invited. No, no, calm down: we won’t ruin your carpets. Why do you think I’m having it at the police station? Well, as a matter of fact I was arrested, but don’t change the subject! Oh, don’t be silly, that Rosalind Russell never meant a thing to me; it was all about the work. No, it’s just a misdemeanor, it’s nothing. Did I say “bring cash?”

And lots of ice, too, darling.

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Veronica Lake is Listening Gossip Links

What’s that, darling? You’re not making any sense. Calm down. Stop screaming. BREATHE! Use your words to tell Veronica what’s bothering you.

Oh.

You say the banality of the celebrity-industrial complex in its current iteration has driven you to near-fatal ennui? That you never thought you’d live to see the day when the likes of me were replaced with talentless, tiny orange gnome women with novelty tits and hair?

Me either, babe. Me either.

There now. Easy, boy. Have a saucer of milk and a little time out and when you’re ready you can click over the link to see today’s extra-creamy gossip links with a side of nearly-actual news. There, there. All better now. Continue reading →