The Amazing Race: Freudian Slips

Welcome back, Race spectators! One disclaimer here–I couldn’t find any decent photos of this leg of The Amazing Race, so I just gave you all what you wanted, which is gratuitous shots of the Cowboys looking adorable, and apparently the TAR graphics from The Season That Dare Not Ever Repeat Itself. Okay enough with the small talk, let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Globetrotters left the seventh pit stop in a race around the world at 2:07 a.m., which is a crappy time to leave a pit stop because there generally are no flights, trains, etc. in the wee hours of the morning. The clue directed teams to a travel agency where they purchased airline tickets to Vienna, Austria. In the cab ride to the travel agency, Flight Time noted that Austria is where the Terminator is from, and we were treated to several not-so-good impressions of Ahhhnold. As a side note (and because this is tax season), my accountant sounds exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it is impossible to leave his office without saying, “I’m going to tuuuhhhminate your reeeefund,” at least once. Okay twice. Pretty much the entire walk to the F train. Anyway….

The Nerds left next, followed by the Sisters, Father/Daughter, the “Couple,” and the Cowboys.  After reading the clue, Mallory remarked, “Vienna, is that cold?” Seriously? Shut up shut up shut up! She is such a moron! Vyxsin noted that they were the only dating couple left in the race, and that having a romantic relationship with your racing partner is a little bit different. They’re really stretching that “couple” thing to its breaking point, along with my last nerve.

At the travel agency, the teams learned that there were two different routes to Vienna. One had two connecting flights and arrived at 6:00 a.m., and another had three connecting flights and arrived at 5:35 a.m. All teams chose the earlier flight…except the Cowboys. They made a power move which banked on the other teams running into problems with the extra connection. How’d that work out for them? Not so good. The 5:35 a.m. flight got in first, which left the Cowboys in last place. Again.

Once in Austria, the teams had to choose a Ford Focus in the airport parking garage. The cars were equipped with some sort of modern techmonology that allowed Phil to speak to the teams on a magical screen attached to the dashboard. Phil told the teams to drive in reverse and read the clue on the magical screen, which looked as dangerous as it sounds. Imagine five cars all parked near each other backing up at the same time. Oh, and the winners of this leg will receive a Ford Focus with a magical screen.

Miraculously, there was no five-car pile-up in the parking garage and the teams discovered that they had to drive to “Schloss Schallaburg.” Father/Daughter were having problems figuring out the magical screen because he is an old and she is a moron. In the interim, the Cowboys arrived at the parking garage, which makes me wonder how in the heck Father/Daughter let a half hour slip past them.

The Nerds were the first to arrive in Schloss and learned that “Schallaburg” was a castle where they received a clue directing them to the local library. It looked bitter cold outside, and each team had a different approach to clothing. Vyxsin, naturally, had puffy pink earmuffs, while the Globetrotters were wearing shorts. The Nerds just sucked it up and added another thin layer to their pasty skin. No one looked comfortable with the weather, but it seemed to have taken an especially harsh toll on the “Couple” who were fighting like cats and chiwawas.  At one point, Vyxsin told Kynt to stop acting like a chick, which was funny because I’ve been saying that since Day One.

When the Nerds arrived at the library, they were greated with a Detour! They had a choice between a long hard walk or a quick and easy meal. In Long Hard Walk, teams had to go to the Freud Museum and pick up an analyst couch which they then had to transport one mile to the University of Vienna. In Quick And Easy Meal, teams had to go to a giant ferris wheel where they each had to eat a local meal in the dining car of the ferris wheel. The trick for this one was, they had to eat all of the food during one twelve-minute rotation of the ferris wheel. Oh yeah, that’s the one to go with. At this point, I was openly chanting, “Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel!”

As luck would have it, the Nerds, the Sisters, and Father Daughter picked the wheel! The Globetrotters and the “Couple” wisely chose the couch thing. More on that later, but first, let’s discuss the ill-advised meal.

The Sisters started first and were each faced with several large pieces of meat that looked like it was battered and fried, with a small salad on the side and a slice of chocolate cake. Twelve minutes, ladies! They were using knives and forks and that did not seem like the correct way to approach a plate full of food and a time limit, but kudos to them for hanging on to whatever dignity they had left. The Nerds were next, and Zev suggested eating the mound of food “slow and steady.” That also didn’t sound like a good strategy. Six minutes into it, the Sisters were about halfway done with their main coarse and hadn’t even started on the cake yet.  The Nerds had made a bit more progress, but Zev was slowing down at the halfway mark, at which point the boys clearly realized that choosing this task was a terrible idea.

The Sisters and the Nerds failed and were off to move couchs. Father/Daugher tried next. With four minutes left, they started snarfing down their food….and failed. Mallory, ever the go-getter, volunteered to throw up and try again, but thankfully her father decided to call it quits and move on to the moving of the couches.

Over at the couches, the Globetrotters got to the Freud Museum first, and oh my, Big Easy picked up that couch and carried it on his shoulder like it was nothing. The “Couple” were having a tough time with the carrying and lifting because Kynt’s arms are made of bendy straws filled with jelly. Oh, and because he wouldn’t stop whining like a little bitch.

The Sisters did a great job of carrying their couches. The Nerds were struggling a bit, and just as they brought their couch out of the museum, the Cowboys showed up. That put a little spring back into the Cowboys’ two-step because they knew that they were back in the race. At one point Cord said, “I was thinking it might have been faster if I lay on the couch, worry about my feelings, and Jet could push me.” They stopped just short of a proper Freud joke, so sorry boys, close but no cigar.

The Globetrotters delivered their couch first and received the next clue which directed them to a restaurant in Salzburg. The “Couple” delivered their couch next, then the Sisters. The poor Nerds were absolutely dying with their couch delivery. They got bad directions at the University and carried their couch up three flights of unnecessary stairs, which allowed the Cowboys to pass them. When Father/Daughter finally delivered their couch last, they counted the couches and saw that there were five others already there, which put them in last place.

The Globetrotters found the clue box in Salzburg first. Roadblock! Chimney sweeping! One team member had to dress in a chimney sweep uniform, climb to the roof, use a special tool to clean a chimney, and then climb back down to retrieve their clue. Big Easy’s uniform looked ridiculously small. Come on, TAR, you can make a suit of armor for a midget but you can’t make a chimney sweep uniform for a giant?

Big Easy moved quickly and was finished before anyone else even showed up. The clue directed teams to the pit stop at Villa Trapp, the real home of the Von Trapp family.

The Nerds arrived next, and what was that? Did Zev just make a “that’s what she said” joke? As in, “Make [the rope] bigger, that’s what she said.” It’s not great, but considering this is Zev we’re talking about, it’s not bad. Zev finished the task next, then the Sisters followed by the “Couple.” Then, the Cowboys arrived, and oh my, Jet or Cord (I’m not sure which, the ginger one) looked really kind of hot in his chimney sweep uniform.

And holy crap, the Nerds were the first team to check in at the pit stop! How did they beat out the Globetrotters? I have no idea. But they won cars! Well, good for them, they looked as surprised as I was. The Globetrotters checked in next, then the “Couple.”

The Cowboys finished the Roadblock before Father/Daughter even showed up and checked in at the pit stop at the same time as the Sisters.

Father/Daughter were the last team to arrive, but it was a non-elimination leg. I am not happy about this because Father/Daughter annoy me for some reason I can’t quite explain. She’s just too peppy. I’m not into pep. I’ll choose a maudlin cynic over a peppy cheerleader every time and I’m sick of seeing her happiness on my dummy box.

Anyhoo, next week Father/Daughter fight to stay in the Race and the teams enjoy fondue in Switzerland. So we’re getting down to the wire here, with six teams remaining. Any predictions? Are you happy with the final teams? Does this season make you want to run the Race or remain safely tucked into your couch? And the most important question of all, which cowboy is hotter?

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