Rio

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Weekend Box Office: Thor Hammers Competition

You know what we don’t get enough of? Movies that smash things. Sure, there are movies that blow things up, movies with car chases, or aliens who demolish cities in their attempts to take over the world, but movies that just out and out smash things with a hammer for nearly two hours… yeah, there’s just not enough of that. And as a society, apparently we clamor for that free feeling that most of us forget after toddler-hood…the ability to destroy with the swing of a hand.

Thor was sent to remind us.

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Weekend Box Office: Not So Angry Birds Rule

At the rate we’re going we could see a Who Framed Roger Rabbit remake in our lifetime. Hell, not only in our lifetime but probably before next Christmas. The cartoons are running the world. It really is like what happened in that Rabbit movie. Does this mean Christopher Lloyd will continue being weird? Probably. Who will voice the rabbit? Oh, silly, silly, humans. Russell Brand already has our souls.

Kids like movies, and parents need kids to be occupied for minimally two hours every weekend. Everyone wins! Or at least that’s what you think.

1) Rio — $40 Million

Apparently we like singing birds, or pelicans, or cockatoos, or whatever the big blue winged creatures are in this thing. Given Rio is the biggest weekend opener so far this year, I’m beginning to think there’s really no point to not being animated. If there isn’t a colorful, animated, talking animal making poop jokes and doing some sort of musical sing-a-long than this isn’t Toontown! Right? RIGHT? I’d like to think that the Black Eyed Peas doing their little rappa-lappa-ding-dong thing set to autotune and guttural monster sounds would annoy most of the viewing public, but apparently not. Apparently we enjoy birds saying things like “Drop it, drop it low.” Drop what low exactly? Do birds have badonkadunks? Are they rump shakers or club hoppers? Possibly. Oh what Walt Disney must be thinking when the animated world has gone from “Bippity Boppity Boo” to flailing bird asses. Is Rio about bird asses?

2) Scream 4 — $19.3 Million

Well, that’s not really a great number. But who cares, Wes Craven has successfully killed off more kids in a movie! Have we thought about this, really? How long has Wes Craven wanted to kill kids? It’s all a little strange, no? He really has a fixation with the slashing of the teens. Do people invite him into their homes? Or are they all like, “Um, no, Wes. We’d love to have you, but we, you know, have kids.” I would imagine this is like what Stephen King hears when he goes out anywhere. I’m sure it’s like, “Um, no, Stephen. My husband is a clown.” Work hazard, clearly. All in all, I guess it’s a bit of a boon that this movie is number two on the list, but $19 mil is a little low to really mark a movie a true success. Well, unless you’re David Arquette and you haven’t done the whole TV/movie thing in like forever while you watch your ex-wife hitting her stride on a pretty successful TV show co-starring her new boyfriend, a hunky guy who can swim in the ocean without a t-shirt. But you know, David, you can always have Wes Craven over for dinner, because, you’re not a kid.

3) Hop — $11.2 Million

Jesus Bunny Eggs! Well, they’re still popular, and rightfully so. Jesus Bunny Egg Day is literally right around the corner. I’m thinking this movie will hold out in the top five to at least get through the blessed event, because what else says religious glory than Russell Brand and jellybean poop? (The poop. See how it’s part of animation?) Who says Mr. gyrating crotch is a flash in the pan, and that he’ll never open a movie ever again? Clearly this Hop movie says otherwise. The kids and their parents obviously like his funny jokes all trussed up in snarky bunny clothes. He should do more of that then. No, no we don’t mean being himself in a movie while running around like an albino string bean. We mean he should just do animated voices. We like his British-y voice mumble don’t we? Well, I think that’s enough. Obviously we don’t actually need to have his body attached to say “Awww, how cute. He’s a cuddle wuddlekins.” Onward, then! Hop 2: The Jellybean Resurrection should be awesome.

4) Soul Surfer — $7.4 Million

This little movie about Christian surf angels is still trying to hold on. It didn’t rake in much over the weekend, but hey, at least it’s not Arthur. Not really sure what didn’t resonate with this movie. Seriously, James Franco has one of the most gruesome arm severing scenes in history and everyone just completely lost their brainbobbles over that whole thing. This girl gets her arm taken by a shark and everyone is kind of like meh? Like the shark should’ve had on a bib and used a steak knife, I guess. What’s it take to get a little awe around these parts? Yes, sure, maybe the religion angle wasn’t what some folks had in mind, but you would think more people would have gone out to support one-armed surfing, because, man, that’s kind of way cool. Instead, well, Wes Craven is out running around in a ghost mask terrorizing all sorts of Julia Roberts relatives. Or does Eric Roberts always look that way?

5) Hanna — $7.3 Million

Boring Eric Bana’s boring offspring was boring and impassive in this boring movie about a Kung Fu kid and all the surreally wacky crackpots she comes in contact with during her long, boring, running-for-forever movie. What was this thing even about? Was she a super-spy? A miracle child? Just what? At the end I still didn’t know, nor did I care. Cate Blanchett was there though, and even she was boring. I just don’t know. I would have liked there to have been something, just anything that made sense in Hanna. Mostly though it needed more story and less run-judo-chop-run and then that’s it. I’d much rather play the new Mortal Kombat game for PS3. Mortal Kombat= $59.99 and loads of fun. Hanna = $7.3 Million and loads of snoring loudly in the movie theater.

Opening Weekend: Rebel Yell

The return of Ghostface! I wasn’t aware the Wu-Tang Clan had put out another album, but there you have it. No, really, this week’s movies are not about the Wu-Tang Clan; they’re about the resurrection of a long-thought-silly teen slasher franchise. Wes Craven is really a genius. He’s like a pack of lulling Sirens from The Odyssey. Yes, that’s what he is. He can literally lead teens on film to their deaths like no one else today. And Scream 4: The Screamiest Ever looks successful! (Well, almost.) This is a magnificent feat. Freddy Krueger is cashing his last unemployment check as we speak.

Scream 4:

The reviews so far have defied expectations, or at least are better than Neve Campbell could have hoped for.

In Scream 4, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), now the author of a self-help book, returns home to Woodsboro on the last stop of her book tour. There she reconnects with Sheriff Dewey (David Arquette) and Gale (Courteney Cox), who are now married, as well as her cousin Jill (played by Emma Roberts) and her Aunt Kate (Mary McDonnell). Unfortunately Sidney’s appearance also brings about the return of Ghostface, putting Sidney, Gale, and Dewey, along with Jill, her friends, and the whole town of Woodsboro in danger.

What you can expect: In a rather effective ode to the original, Scream 4 brings back some of the chills and thrills that surprised many and opened the door to the slasher movie once again. Wes Craven, teen-gore master, is undaunted at his attempts to connect the next generation to the “pick them off one by one” horror genre. This time he uses everything in his arsenal, which is basically new technology and media. Naturally. If you’re going to make a teen slasher film, you have to get teens where they live, and that’s in their iPhones. Not totally sure what new areas there are to be explored within this formula, but unsurprisingly, Craven manages to pull it off. He must have a teen spy working with him, or he understands the youth better than most. He should write a book. Perhaps The Anarchist’s Guide to Raising Teenagers.

What could annoy: Aside from the fact that there’s a “4” after the title of this film…I’m placing my bets on Courteney Cox and David Arquette. No real reason in particular other than they were always a bit of a weird, annoying couple to begin with, and I very much wished their characters dead in the original movie. I just can’t fathom how they’ve survived this long. Which may not be a difficult question since after filming this movie, Cox effectively took a knife and slashed the remains of her marriage to Arquette.

Rio:

Pretty good reviews for the bird-brained animated feature.

From the makers of the hit ICE AGE series comes RIO, a comedy adventure about taking a walk on the wild side. Blu is a domesticated Macaw who never learned to fly, living a comfortable life with his owner and best friend Linda in the small town of Moose Lake, Minnesota. Blu and Linda think he’s the last of his kind, but when they learn about another Macaw who lives in Rio de Janeiro, they head to the faraway and exotic land to find Jewel, Blu’s female counterpart.

What you can expect: A colorful animated comedy. With plenty of famous voices including, Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hathaway, Jamie Fox, Tracy Morgan, and Will i.am — this movie is overstuffed with acting and performance talent. While the story isn’t as moving or heartfelt as some of the Pixar releases we’ve seen as of late, it’s still a formidable bit of escapist fun for viewers who want a lot of party with their animation.

What could annoy: It looks a little bit like a colorful migraine, and some of us can only take that Black Eyed Peas thing in small, nearly miniscule doses. An entire movie of the Peas doing their thing could be harmful. All in all, the kids should like it. The adults, well, I dunno, ear plugs?

Indie Picks:

The Princess of Montpensier

Speaking the international language of love and the critics agree.

France, 1562. Against a background of the savage Catholic/Protestant wars, Marie de Mézières (Mélanie Thierry), a beautiful young aristocrat, and the rakish Henri de Guise (Gaspard Ulliel), fall in love, but Marie’s father has promised her hand in marriage to the Prince of Montpensier (Grégoire Leprince-Ringuet). When he is called away to battle, her husband leaves her in the care of Count Chabannes (Lambert Wilson), an aging nobleman with a disdain for warfare.

The short and sweet: Sprawling costume drama. Action, adventure, love and war. Basically a bodice ripper in movie form. Harlequin is taking notes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2D5JTxLf_K4

The Double Hour

This art-house offering is getting rave reviews.

Guido (Timi), a former cop, is a luckless veteran of the speed-dating scene in Turin. But, much to his surprise, he meets Slovenian immigrant Sonia (Rappoport), a chambermaid at a high-end hotel. The two hit it off, and a passionate romance develops.

The short and sweet: Critics are throwing words around like “noir” and “psychological spookiness.” Here’s to hoping it lives up to the hype. Who doesn’t love a well-constructed psychological thriller? It’s said to have many twists and turns, which, done right, can lead you to Mulholland Drive, Les Diaboliques or The Vanishing. Done wrong, you get Body of Evidence starring Madonna or Sliver starring Sharon Stone. Feh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4yzgbspy5Y