Here are my tips for you on how to have a successful “friends with benefits” relationship. Continue reading
Humor
240 posts
Was William Shakespeare the original Nicholas Sparks? No. But the Bard of Avon was an expert at writing tragic teen romance. Romeo and Juliet is a story of young love, passion, and what happens when parents just don’t understand. The epic saga has captured our hearts for over 400 years. After the jump, we retell the lovers’ tale in the one modern language that can truly communicate our deepest emotions: animated gifs.
It all started with Jennifer Aniston. She cut her hair into a bob. Various theories have emerged as to why she has made such a dramatic move. After all, Jennifer Aniston is her hair. It means everything. Why would she take such a society-altering step? Continue reading
Two years ago, we lit up the Festival of Lights with schmaltz-free Chanukah jams. This year, DJ Crasstalk is back, spinning on the alephs and bets. So put down that latke and update your holiday playlist with six more catchy Chanukah songs.
The nation’s capitol was brought to a standstill mildly inconvenienced Friday as thousands dozens maybe eighteen or so four truckers descended on Washington as part of the Truckers Ride for the Constitution, a truck-based protest designed to “shut down America” and “restore constitutional government.” Organizers denied the event was just a stunt to promote James Franco’s reboot of Smokey and the Bandit, and claimed 10,000 truckers would show up. USA Today puts the number that actually showed up as approximately three. Some photos show as many as four trucks. Fox News and Politico put the number as high as thirty. Some of the truckers may be extra-dimensional travelers from Earth 61-A, where Separatist cyborg-general Barack 0-9AMA overthrew beloved President Will Romney in a bloody coup. These extra-dimensional travelers may be unaware that in this dimension, human Barack Obama soundly defeated cyborg Willard Romney, giving the manbot a humiliating electoral loss that was well within Constitutional parameters. What the truckers from either dimension planned to actually do is unclear, though there was some speculation that they would engage in the obscure quasi-Constitutional practice known as “truckerpeachment” in an effort to remove Barack Obama from office. Continue reading
Canadian-born U.S. senator Pablo “Ted” Cruz announced he will renounce his Canadian citizenship and defect permanently to his adopted homeland, the United States. Cruz, who is widely expected to seek the Wingnut Republican presidential nomination in 2016, had come under increasing pressure to explain the circumstances of his birth to Republican leaders who are obsessed with vaginas and things that come out of vaginas, like babies. Continue reading
Johnny Manziel is a legend and he’s 20 years old. In his opening season with Texas A&M last year, he lead the team to an epic win over Alabama during the season, demolished Oklahoma in the Cotton Bowl, and capped off the season as the first freshman Heisman trophy winner.
Manziel is a hero around Aggieland and all over the country, but just being an athlete isn’t what makes you a legend. The guy rolls around town with multiple fake IDs in case one gets taken up. He could have spent the offseason training and working in his game, but fuck that noise, then he’d just be another quarterback. Manziel is anything but just another quarterback, he’s Johnny F’n Football. Continue reading
Delusional man-whore and disgraced former Congress-skank Anthony Weiner and his attention-starved genitals are leaving the New York City mayor’s race. In a statement released on the popular genital-flashing website CheckOutMyJunk.com, the congressman, his scrotum drooping with defeat and sadness, said; “Hey Girl HEY! Check out my mad junk, YO! Also, it is with regret that I announce that I am withdrawing my candidacy for mayor of New York. To the good people of New York and to the HOT CHIX of CHECKOUTMYJUNK.COM, I want to thank you for this opportunity to serve you HOT PIX OF MY STEAMING MAN-MEAT AW YEAH!” He also posted gif images of himself making masturbatory gestures. Continue reading
Pacific Rim is the Citizen Kane of robot monster movies. I’m referring, naturally, to the original cut of Citizen Kane, not the butchered, robot-free studio cut that most of us saw in film class. Making Rosebud a sled instead of a robot companion deprives Kane of both pathos and narrative coherence. Anyway. This film is, of course, a remake of the 1965 Orson Welles Japanese production, The Pacific Rim. The 2013 version of Pacific Rim is perhaps the deepest and most ambitious robot monster movie since Woody Allen’s 1982 Robots of Manhattan, and perhaps the most innovative cinematic take on robots and monsters since Francois Truffaut’s ground-breaking masterpiece, Les Robots Dangereux. Continue reading
According to frightened poopy-diapered babies Texas Republicans, protestors demonstrating against recent outbreaks of batshittery in the Texas Legislature began chanting “Hail Satan” this week, prompting a rash of right wing fantods, fainting spells, and Twitter meltdowns. Reports from the scene are somewhat confused, because apparently Twitter is what we have now instead of journalism. Continue reading