Johnny Manziel is a legend and he’s 20 years old. In his opening season with Texas A&M last year, he lead the team to an epic win over Alabama during the season, demolished Oklahoma in the Cotton Bowl, and capped off the season as the first freshman Heisman trophy winner.
Manziel is a hero around Aggieland and all over the country, but just being an athlete isn’t what makes you a legend. The guy rolls around town with multiple fake IDs in case one gets taken up. He could have spent the offseason training and working in his game, but fuck that noise, then he’d just be another quarterback. Manziel is anything but just another quarterback, he’s Johnny F’n Football.
- Fuck alarms and cell phone chargers – that shit is for chumps.
- Fuck Econ 101 – JFF sits court side, son
- Fuck the haters who don’t wake you up – Johnny F’n Football makes national champions jealous
You wanna compare the guy to Tim Tebow? Fuck it – He’s JFF’s God damn hero.
Seriously, the guy is madness. You have no idea what he’s going to do next. Get drunk and park your car backwards on the street? Sure! Get in a Twitter war for no reason? Yes.
He is the epitome of privileged white athlete unchecked and it’s baller as fuck. I’ve done some studies on the man and will now predict how the first half of this season will play out for the Aggies.
Week 1 – Home vs Rice University Owls
At Friday night’s midnight yell, Johnny Fucking Football is called out by the yell boys as the best thing to happen to Texas A&M Football since Dat Ngyuen went and got Asian Americans respect as athletes. Johnny Manziel will not be compared to mere mortals and inside linebackers coaches. It’s an affront to who he is, so the man stands up, the entire student body quiets down, and without a word Johnny Football punts his helmet at the offending yell leader and walks off into the distance, unaccompanied by friends or fans.
The next day against Rice – Manziel throws for 270 yards, runs for 120 yards, and scores four touchdowns single-handedly, as A&M wins 60-7.
Week 2 – Home vs Sam Houston State Bearcats
Inexplicably, Johnny has missed practice all week, and the world can not find him. When finally, he shows up on fourteen different instagram feeds Saturday morning before the game wearing a Lebron James high school jersey at the Asian/Cajun bar and grill in Old Washington, Texas. His eyes look glassy, and he seems very dehydrated. He rides on the back of a horse to get back to Kyle field, because the quick moving trees in a car makes him nauseous.
On the field – Manziel throws for 100 yards and runs for 200 in a blowout victory while meowing at the opposing team all game.
Week 3 – Home vs Alabama Crimson Tide
The sports world goes abuzz because Manziel refuses to play under the number 2 against his nemesis AJ McCaron. Why? Because that was “Rusty Wallace’s number God Dammit.” And he will say nothing else. AJ asked Kathrine to stay home for this game. Only because he knows that Manziel is up to something. On Thursday during his Political Science seminar, AJ’s phone starts buzzing. A tweet from Manziel “Hey McSharon, I’ve got Mussburger up here and we’re about to take a trip to Tuscaloosa! #SWAG”
On the field – Manziel doesn’t show up on Saturday – AJ McCaron is distraught, and fumbles three snaps, throws two interceptions and Texas A&M wins 9-3. After the game, AJ has a voicemail from Katherine saying she doesn’t want to talk about it, but she is so sorry, and that if AJ will please just laser off that horrid tattoo, they might have a future together.
Week 4 – Home vs SMU Mustangs
After missing last week’s game with only that cryptic twitter message as reasoning, Manziel decides that he needs to cool it for a bit. His dad comes down, they play some golf at Miramont Country Club and buy Johnny a new Ferrari, you know, normal family stuff.
On the field – Manziel has the worst game of his college career. He throws for five interceptions, and can’t hand the ball off without fumbling. He gets sacked for a safety. Texas A&M’s defense pulls through with a pick six and A&M ends up winning 13-9.
Week 5 – Away vs Arkansas Razorbacks
Johnny shows up in Fayetteville on Tuesday afternoon screaming something about a hog roast and kicks a four hundred pound dead feral hog from the passenger seat of his brand new Ferrari from last week onto the street. Luckily, his friend and assistant Nate Finch was following close behind to cover his trail with hundred dollar bills. All goes well as Nate keeps Johnny relatively under control until after the game, when Johnny is arrested for taking a literal dump on the marching band’s practice field in broad daylight.
On the field – Manziel decides he’s going to be kicker as well as quarterback. He kicks 9 field goals and scores zero touchdowns. Texas A&M wins 27-24.
Week 6 – Away vs Ole Miss Rebels
There is a bit of a meltdown in Aggieland, as everyone realizes that Johnny needs controversy to succeed. In a misguided attempt to spur Johnny to the next level the University Athletic department decides to allow him to run wild for the week. With no one to hold him back and tell Johnny Fucking Football what to do, he decides that he’s had enough of this life. He signs up for the Corps of Cadets and will only answer to Johnathan.
On the field – Johnathan drops out of the football program and tries his hand at “military” life for the near future. He gets a large back tattoo inscribing himself in old english lettering “You Only YOLO Once.”
Image: Wikimedia Commons
