The nation’s capitol was brought to a standstill mildly inconvenienced Friday as thousands dozens maybe eighteen or so four truckers descended on Washington as part of the Truckers Ride for the Constitution, a truck-based protest designed to “shut down America” and “restore constitutional government.” Organizers denied the event was just a stunt to promote James Franco’s reboot of Smokey and the Bandit, and claimed 10,000 truckers would show up. USA Today puts the number that actually showed up as approximately three. Some photos show as many as four trucks. Fox News and Politico put the number as high as thirty. Some of the truckers may be extra-dimensional travelers from Earth 61-A, where Separatist cyborg-general Barack 0-9AMA overthrew beloved President Will Romney in a bloody coup. These extra-dimensional travelers may be unaware that in this dimension, human Barack Obama soundly defeated cyborg Willard Romney, giving the manbot a humiliating electoral loss that was well within Constitutional parameters. What the truckers from either dimension planned to actually do is unclear, though there was some speculation that they would engage in the obscure quasi-Constitutional practice known as “truckerpeachment” in an effort to remove Barack Obama from office.
Truckerpeachment is not really in the regular Constitution, though it is a feature in the Constitution Expanded Universe, which not all Constitution nerds consider canon. Many of these ideas came from eccentric whackadoodle and South Carolina constitutional delegate Pierce Butler. Other Butler ideas included counting pigs, “that most Noble of Livestock, in Mind most like unto Man” as 3/16th of a person for census purposes, and building an artificial island shaped like a skull in the Chesapeake to serve as the nation’s capitol. “Other nations, jealous of our Liberties, would think twice erst assaulting so fearesome an Edifice as Skull Island,” he proposed. Alexander Hamilton called him “daft” and “a lackwit with scarce the wisdom of a Monkey.” The two came to blows on the floor of the Constitutional Convention, only stopping when Benjamin Franklin tased them with his taser-cane.
How a truckerpeachment would operate is not entirely clear, and discussion of the concept at the Constitutional Convention was brief. In Pierce’s notebook, amidst crude doodles of Alexander Hamilton fondling engorged penises, there is this passage: “It might be Prudent to have a Proviso wherein drivers, drovers, haulers, cart-men, and divers Gentlemen with Buggies might descend upon Skull-island [Butler’s term for Washington, DC] with Grievances and drive forth a Perfidious executive for Malfeasances and Mishandlings Alexander Hamilton enjoys the company of mens Buttocks.” His notes are inconsistent as to whether this group would actually remove the president from office, or merely “beat him upon the Buttocks with switches withal.”
Originally a Federalist, Butler switched to being a Jeffersonian in 1795 and finally an independent, or “Gentleman of Crazification,” as independents were then known, in 1804. His notes, referred to as the X-Federalist Papers, contained many of the origins of the Constitution Expanded Universe. Other notable whackadoodles, from Jefferson Davis to Dick Cheney to Ted Cruz have contributed to this work over the years, creating the vast crackpotopedia that modern conservatives cite to this day.
This crazification was on display at a Waffle House in Fredericksburg. Truckers there agreed that something needed to be done about Washington, though they were not participating in the Truckers Ride for the Constitution event and had no plans to truckerpeach Obama themselves. One trucker, who identified himself as Earl–approximately 90% of American truckers are named Earl–vented about Obamacare. “This here Obamacare is an abomination! The Founding Fathers NEVER envisioned healthcare mandates. We just think government should stick to stuff the Founding Fathers wanted.”
A second trucker, confusingly also named Earl, nodded vigorously. “Yeah, we should stick to what the Founding Fathers wanted,” Earl 2 opined. “Like a vast network of see-ment roads that would allow mechanical carriages to carry the cargo of an entire clipper ship across the country at speeds ten times that of the fastest horse, stopping only for fuel and the occasional truck stop beej. That sorta thing. Jefferson woulda loved that. But healthcare? No! Eighteenth century didn’t have no healthcare! George Washington’s teeth was made of sticks!”
Earl 1 agreed. “Thomas Jefferson, he had the clap*,” he said. “Anyway, this kind of protest, it’s healthy! It’s just like the Whiskey Rebellion!’ When asked how the Whiskey Rebellion turned out, Earl 1 was quick to respond. “Well, the Whiskey Rebels won!** I mean, you can get whiskey in darn near any liquor store in the land!” he proclaimed, discreetly opening a rebel flag-decorated flask and adding whiskey to his vile Waffle House coffee. “We need to restore the Constitution! I reckon Ted Cruz’ll fix things. He’ll march on Washington like those whiskey rebels and set things straight! We need another Texan in the White House!”***
* Thomas Jefferson did not have the clap.
** The Whiskey Rebellion was crushed by George Washington.
*** Ted Cruz is Canadian.
