Daily Archives: March 25, 2011

13 posts

Found Footage Friday: Fetch My Cigarettes

You may or may not have heard of the semi-underground art rock band Negativland. I was first introduced to them through their album Escape from Noise featuring weird songs using samples from old industrial films and shortwave radio clips. There’s an especially controversial track called Christianity is Stupid but I prefer the bit of cold war paranoia, Yellow, Black and Rectangular. A few years later, their U2 EP was famously recalled by the record company after a lawsuit from DJ Casey Kasem. The EP featured outtakes of Kasem swearing and being a general ass about having to read a long-distance dedication to a deceased dog. Here is the original outtake.

David “The Weatherman” Willis, Negativland’s main source of weird samples and general absurdity, was also a budding filmmaker of the weirdness variety. Here is his masterwork, “Fetch My Cigarettes,” starring his mother and himself. It was included as part of their VHS compilation, No Other Possibility, but was an independent work. It’s only 4 1/2 minutes long, and the first minute is skippable.

Light Rock Wars!

Well happy Friday gang. Today we are playing a game that is only for the strongest and bravest of Crasstalkers. Welcome to Light Rock Wars, I hope you all make it out alive.

The rules are simple. Post the most teeth-grindingly bad light rock videos you can find. Your peers and fellow competitors will vote (by fonzing) for the most awful videos.Bonus points for home-made videos that add an extra layer of fail.

The tool of victory

At the end of the day the video with the most fonz points wins all of the internet gold and bad taste bragging rights. Here are a couple videos to get you started.

WARNING: Light Rock Wars is not for the weak. Only the ruthless will triumph.

Crasstalk COW: Keep Your Pants On

Generally, I get a real kick out of reading everyone’s dating stories in the various threads around Crasstalk.  Whether your just kicking around stories in the open threads or Betty’s giving advice about trolling Craigslist, I know I’m going to get a laugh.

Why? Well, at it’s core, dating is funny. We all have horror stories, and we can all look back and laugh at something ridiculous that’s happened to us on a date. At the end of the day, dating proves that there are people out there who are much weirder than us.

Before I get to the actual winner, though, let’s highlight a couple of outstanding nominations that landed in my box (ew, gross you guys) this week.

Over on Left Coast Lady’s music thread, a discussion centered around how far back we should reach for bands that coulda/shoulda/woulda been bigger. Arken made a pretty solid point, I think:

Sometimes, in the open threads, we get interesting discussions on politics, or rather, interesting discussions on other’s discussions of politics:

 

But, in reality, none of them are as fun as listening to you all discuss the pitfalls of dating.  And, this week, it seems nobody captured the frustrations of modern dating better than MonkeyBiz:

 

Ain’t that the truth.

Elizabeth Taylor, Farewell To An Icon

How do you say goodnight to a goddess? Do you float up to her gossamer face and place a gentle kiss upon her cheek? Do you flatter her immensely and tell tales of the beauty and grace she bestowed while wishing her a blessed eternal slumber?

Yes, you most certainly do.

Wednesday, the amethyst light winked out of a classic icon’s eyes leaving us with the irrepressible memories and images that she brought to life, reminding us of those she championed for, those she loved and loved her back, and together, we among the many, remember as we watched in wonder as she lit up the movie screen and defined what it is to be a legend.

Not only have we lost a great actress, a timeless beauty, and a consummate humanitarian, we are ever more witnessing an end to an era. An end to women who never stepped outdoors without their white gloves, or a delicious hatpin, a red, red, lip, or hair so coiffed and perfect that it was an institution. And along with all these glamor trappings, we’re seeing the end to the bawdy dame who mastered refined, regal chic while simultaneously bantering with any man in the room, making him feel as though he is the only one there, whispering conspiratorially with the women in attendance, and turning the heads of just everyone with an infectious laugh, and a well placed hand on an arm. These are things that are not taught, they simply are.

Elizabeth’s movies were sumptuous and luscious, full of zeal, verve, and gumption. As Maggie the Cat in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, you felt every word she spoke, a sultry denizen who held Paul Newman’s Brick in her lustrous gaze, challenging him to love her, despite himself. Butterfield 8‘s Gloria Wandrous was unflappable, desirous, and wore that slip like a powerhouse, rendering us all speechless with the daring topic, and Elizabeth’s delivery. As Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s, Martha, Elizabeth’s boozy anger, obstinate angst, and treacherous tongue gave as good as she got, undeniably. Her Cleopatra was stunning, classic, omnipresent, and lavish, only a role the Queenly Elizabeth herself could execute. Today, actresses would be hard-pressed to find such varied and dynamic roles, and be able to play them in the same unforgettable way. Simply, there will never be another Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor, two-time Oscar winner, screen royalty, and film legend.

The English-born owner of lavender eyes, a double row of covetable lashes, and a litany of jewels that would make any monarch envious, the enigmatic Taylor, was also known for her great loves. And yes, she had several. A self-proclaimed romantic, Elizabeth loved falling in love. So much so, that she married the love of her life, and soul-mate, Richard Burton twice. They were “the most famous film star in the world and the man many believed to be the finest classical actor of his generation.” A pairing of giants, they were. And when you love as much, and as often as Elizabeth, there may be a few bumps in the road, or perhaps a wife in your path. Scandal. Oh, dear, yes. The whole Pitt-Aniston-Jolie scandal is nothing compared to that of Elizabeth’s day. If you’re going to do it, do it big, and Elizabeth did just that. She and Eddie Fisher ruled the tabloids in those days, but what else could you really expect from a goddess, right? Aphrodite never apologized.

When you’re the most beloved Hollywood star in existence what will you do with your retirement? Collect more jewels? Well, maybe. Obtain rare works of art? Certainly. How about found an organization that helps millions of people? Well, if you’re Elizabeth Taylor, naturally. She helped raise more than $100 million to fight AIDS, and after the death of her former costar and friend, Rock Hudson, she co-founded amFAR the American Foundation for AIDS Research, and created her own AIDS foundation, the Elizabeth Taylor Aids Foundation. In 2006, she also commissioned a 37-foot “Care Van” equipped with examination tables and X Ray equipment and donated $40,000 to the New Orleans AIDS task force, a charity designed for the New Orleans population with AIDS and HIV. And remember what I said about being a bawdy dame, yes well, in March 2003, Taylor declined to attend the 75th Annual Academy Awards, due to her opposition to the Iraq war. She publicly condemned then US President George W. Bush for calling on Saddam Hussein to leave Iraq, and said she feared the conflict would lead to “World War III.” Simply, a woman who knows our own heart.

For me, when I think of Elizabeth Taylor I also think of that time in Hollywood that was golden and beautiful and full of real movie stars, not the hackneyed, overnight sensations we often find littering Hollywood films today, but women who were sassy and proud, beautiful and fierce, with names like Betty, Lana, Katherine, Audrey, Ava, Rita, Grace, Natalie, and of course, Elizabeth. I adore this time, and watching all of these ladies light up the screen, even in their not so famous roles. My introduction to Elizabeth Taylor wasn’t in National Velvet, it was her turn as sister Amy in 1949’s Little Women, a story I was fascinated with as a young woman. My next favorite was Father of the Bride starring Elizabeth as Kay and Spencer Tracy as Stanley Banks. In addition to her better known, and bigger received films, watching some of the others was like watching her grow into the accomplished actress she became in a career that spanned decades and generations. It’s hard to believe that she was only 79! She has been a fixture in the world for much longer so it seems.


There is so much you could say about the woman who was. About the woman named for a Queen. A woman who helped millions, entertained millions more, was a teacher in fame, beauty, grace, humility, and undeniable charm. But mostly, we say she was beautiful inside and out, and that will stand the test of time, always.

Goodnight, Dame Elizabeth.

Where Are They Now? “Wonder Years” Edition

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

Debuting in 1988, The Wonder Years ran for six seasons; there would have been a 7th, but the actors walked out because you sang out of key. Way to go, buttheads. As it happens, The Wonder Years holds special meanings for the two of us, as Kevin and Winnie, who (spoiler alert!) ultimately ended up apart, were actually two of the first loves of our young lives. Find out what happened to them and the rest of the cast with a little help from your friends! (Your friendship was implied when you signed our yearbooks even though you just wrote “best wishes” and “have a neat summer.”) Continue reading

Things I Never Thought I’d Say

I’ve said many, many strange things to my children. This was originally what my blog was about. It was called “Let me smell your butt”. That is something you say almost constantly when you have small children. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, but they did.

I would love to hear some others. This could be an amusing thread. I can’t even imagine what I’ll be saying when the kids are teenagers. Here are some more of mine (keep in mind that my kids are 2 and 4):

  • Don’t worry, it’s only pee
  • Hand me that booger
  • You may not eat another cookie until you eat the one on the floor
  • Daddies don’t have boobs
  • Your sister doesn’t have a weenie
  • I don’t need to change. I only have a little puke on me
  • Don’t put the toothbrush on your butt
  • The potty is not boring
  • Monsters are very ticklish (this one actually helped my son get over his fear of monsters)
  • I don’t care how much you cry; I’m not letting you wear a potty on your head
  • Knock it off or you’re taking square dancing lessons (this phrase is part of our creative discipline program)
  • Find something soft to stab your sister with
  • If you want to play with your noodle, do it outside
  • I hate that lisping duck (Gah! Those damn Wonderpets)
  • Please don’t paint the baby

Opening Weekend: Sucker Punched

A bunch of girls get all punchy, wimps aren’t losers, losers are losers, mostly if they’re big brothers, and peeping your family just sounds like something you shouldn’t do, well, unless you tell jokes in the 1980’s on the Sunset Strip while wearing skinny ties and sport coats with the sleeves rolled up. This was a thing!

This weekend’s movies sound embarrassing.

Sucker Punch

Ok, uh, wow. This is unfortunate. The reviews…well, the reviews say you should see Paul this weekend.

“Sucker Punch” is an epic action fantasy that takes us into the vivid imagination of a young girl whose dream world provides the ultimate escape from her darker reality. Unrestrained by the boundaries of time and place, she is free to go where her… “Sucker Punch” is an epic action fantasy that takes us into the vivid imagination of a young girl whose dream world provides the ultimate escape from her darker reality. Unrestrained by the boundaries of time and place, she is free to go where her mind takes her, and her incredible adventures blur the lines between what’s real and what is imaginary.

What you can expect: Remember that cartoon in the 90’s, The Powerpuff Girls? Yeah? Okay, I think it may be something like that. At least it looks like something like that with a little bit of Annie thrown in. There’s an evil den mother, a bunch of ass kicking orphans, and a dragon. Wait. A dragon? Yes, apparently there’s some sort of evil dragon, because well, why not a dragon? Apparently dragons like being in CGI-laden movies with a bunch of nubile girls running around with swords and pigtails. Sounds like pervy dragons, but whatever. I imagine a lot of slow-motion fight scenes. Lot’s of overuse of that 300 style cinematography minus the spray on abs, and far-reaching, desolate scorched earth, because if you’re going to be a Powerpuff Girl with a sword in pigtails hanging out with dragons and fifty percent of what made High School Musical popular, it better be the apocalypse.

What could annoy: Copious amounts of CGI, just heaps and loads of it. Bad writing, a bad script, and characters milling around in a large spectacle with a lot to do, but not much to say. This can be a problem with using CGI like this. While the images are fantastic and gorgeous, if there’s not enough story built around it, it can just be window dressing. And for those that try to loop something around such extreme visuals it may become confusing and overblown. I fear Suck Punch suffers from both. Also, Jon Hamm is somewhere in this thing, which now seems like a wasted effort. Don Draper isn’t really hitting it out of the movie ball park. He may need a better agent.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Roderick Rules

Roddy may rule over the “wimp“ but that‘s about all. The reviews say there may not be a three.

In this sequel to 2010’s surprise hit, Greg Heffley, the kid who made “wimpy” cool is back in an all-new family comedy based on the best-selling follow-up novel by Jeff Kinney. (Kinney’s Wimpy Kid” series has thus far sold 42 million books.) As he… In this sequel to 2010’s surprise hit, Greg Heffley, the kid who made “wimpy” cool is back in an all-new family comedy based on the best-selling follow-up novel by Jeff Kinney. (Kinney’s Wimpy Kid” series has thus far sold 42 million books.) As he begins seventh grade, Greg and his older brother – and chief tormentor – Rodrick must deal with their parents’ misguided attempts to have them bond.

What you can expect: A trip back to middle school. Oh, jeebus. Personally, I’d rather get my teeth scraped. I can’t imagine anything I’d like to do less than go back to middle school. Middle school kids are crazy. They’re like little balls of nutty hormones walking around all weird and full of B.O. Nonetheless, this movie is really for kids. The antics of siblings from beloved books has become the newest kid-friendly thing in film. I thought the making of the Ramona books into a movie was cute. This one may still rate on the cute meter, but critics don’t think much else is impressive, but then what are they expecting?

What could annoy: It’s possible the movie tries to be all things to the age group, cute, funny, poignant, and message-y, when it could have picked one of those themes and ran with it. Apparently there’s some bullying type stuff that goes on here. As the viewing public, we really don’t like to identify with the bully. We’re kind of an underdog crowd, so the fact that the story is told from the bully’s point of view could seem odd, but it does allow for the younger brother (the bully-ee) to steal some scenes and lighten the moment.

Indie Screw-Up of the Week

Peep World

Well, somebody thought this was a good idea. Lots more people disagreed.

As the Meyerwitz clan prepares for the 70th birthday of nasty family patriarch HENRY (Ron Rifkin), PEEP WORLD, the expose written by youngest son NATHAN (Ben Schwartz) has gone red hot, making a mess of all of their lives. JACK (Michael C. Hall), the oldest son, is failing in his career and now has to bend over backwards to convince his wife LAURA (Judy Greer) that certain, ahem, salacious events in Nathan’s book weren’t really committed by him. Sister CHERI (Sarah Silverman), a drama queen and struggling actress, can see the PEEP WORLD movie set from her window. Meanwhile, black sheep JOEL (Rainn Wilson), a disaster in slow-motion, plots to turn his life around at his family’s expense.

What you can expect: Family drammmaaazzz. Something you’ve seen before, and probably seen done better. A wacky, dysfunctional family, comes together for a family event, where they get to display their collective wackiness. Cue fights over childish and silly things, lots of venting, lots of blaming, and the well-worn tread of protagonist and antagonist roles. The odd-ball family trope was hugely popular in the 1980’s when people just started feeling comfortable discussing D-i-v-o-r-c-e at the dinner table. A cast that includes, Michael C. Hall, Rainn Wilson, and Sarah Silverman should be full of fun, jokes, mustard colored business suits, and maybe a dead body? No, okay. Maybe not that.

What could annoy: Unfunny jokes about family dysfunction. This is a really bad stand-up routine from 1987 starring Paula Poundstone. There’s really no need to keep doing this unless Zach Galifianakis is in it or it’s a reality show on VHI (Mafia Wives coming soon! This is scary.) It also looks to be a waste of people that we already find marginally funny. I admit that I don’t always get Sarah Silverman’s humor, but lots of people think she’s witty, right? Or do most people think like I do, but want to sound cool when they’re in the coffee shop eating a scone while sitting with their Whole Food shopping bags and hipster sandals?

Anyway, here’s the trailer for Peep World. Judge for yourself, maybe you’ll like it. Maybe you have a real love for Paula Poundstone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Att6tLpHbHA

Training Corner: Thinking Inside the Box

Cat lovers! Your time is finally here. Sorry about the wait, but let’s just be honest: Cats are easier than dogs. Dogs are the “athletic sister” in the family, cats are the “smart sister.” (I’m the cat in my family, obviously. I’m fine with that.)

However, one thing almost all cat lovers struggle with at one point or another: the damn litterbox. Cats, being finicky creatures of habit, aren’t as likely as disgusting dogs to use the entire house as a giant pee pad, but once they have a preference, it’s hard to shake it. If they dislike even one thing about their litterbox setup, they won’t use it. Also, they’re super-sensitive to changes. Moving the box, changing the litter, a super moon, or a new pet can cause the cats to freak out. So, if your cat is having issues, here’s what you can do.

Take the cat to the vet.

One of the major reasons a cat will eliminate in places other than its litterbox is illness. A UTI or systemic illness can cause cats to act strangely, including changes in their litterbox habits. So the first thing you need to do is get them checked out. Do a full workup; blood, urinalysis, stool sample. Yeah, it may all come back negative, but a physical ailment is typically easy to resolve and then, at least, you’ve ruled out one huge cause of inappropriate elimination.

Consider the variables of your setup.

Is your box covered? Uncovered? What kind of litter do you use? Where is the box located? How often do you clean it? If you have multiple cats, how many litterboxes do you have? Do you like the color pink? I DO.

All these things can screw up the fragile balance of a cat’s day. A box that’s located where there’s a lot of foot traffic, or even in a place they feel is less than private, can cause them to stop using it. After all, your toilet isn’t in the hallway of your building, and for good reason. Try relocating the box to a more out-of-the-way area or try a covered box. Don’t rule out this cause just because you think it’s a private place. If you share the bathroom with the cats, that in and of itself can be much too public for them. Think like a cat. Follow your cat around a little. Put in a nanny cam for them (fun drinking game: drink every time they lick themselves. Not for amateurs). Watch “Cats.” You get the idea.

Some cats are fairly OCD and won’t use a box unless it is totally devoid of all urine and fecal matter. Others like to have a little bit in there to reassure them it’s their box. But no cat likes to have to dig around pounds of old poop to find a small clean place to go. So err on the side of clean to very clean. Don’t lie to me and pretend your box-cleaning schedule is beyond reproach; we all slack once in a while. So if they’re going near the box but not in it, the cleanliness is the first thing to check.

If you have more than one cat, the general rule of thumb is one box per cat plus one. However, if you live in a studio apartment, this is insane, and you might as well just cover all your floors in a thick layer of kitty litter. If one cat is “guarding” the box, though, or a cat has developed an aversion to marking it’s territory where the other already has, you may still want to find a way to squeeze another box in the place; preferably, somewhere far away from the first one so there are no disputes.

 

Multiple cats usually require multiple boxes.

If you have no idea which of these circumstances apply to your cat, you can try and change one thing at a time, slowly. Changing the place of the box/litter/taking the cover off all at once is just going to make Chairman Meow have a coronary. And while that means your litterbox problems are solved, that’s just sad.

Life changes: Help your cat deal.

Though you’re aware that having your significant other move in or having that kid is going to throw the cats for a loop, you may not know how to deal with it. Some cats stop using the box purely because of changes in the rest of their daily life, or begin “marking” in other places to reassert that everything in their purview is theirs, not yours or that of  the new screamy thing that looks like a large naked mole rat.

Try and keep as much of their routine the same as possible. If you’ve just had a kid, set aside a few minutes a day just with the cats. I know they’re no longer your actual “babies,” but they’ll still want the love. If you’re moving, or someone else is moving in, try to keep the general layout/placement of the litterbox area the same, and again, give a little extra love to kitty. They’re stressed. They don’t know that you decided to move because the ceiling in your last place was caving in; they think you’re moving because you hate them.

On that note, make sure your carpet or any other place your cat’s been eliminating (or in the case of moving,where someone else’s cat was eliminating) is clean, clean, clean. Use a cleaner specifically formulated for ammonia-based pet odors, like Nature’s Miracle. And don’t half-ass the cleaning process. If there’s even a hint of scent there, the probability that ol’ Ernesto is going to visit again is very high.

Another helpful hint when you’re in a situation where you know your cat is stressed: using Feliway. It’s basically a Glade Plug-In with feline facial pheromones instead of “Pina Colada Passion.” Plug it in near the litterbox; it’ll create a more soothing, welcoming environment; in fact, it’s great for any stressful event even if Purrtis Sittenfeld is using her box.

If all else fails: Start over.

If there’s nothing medically wrong, you’ve pretty much ruled out all the common behavioral causes, and your cat is still refusing to come within a foot of the litterbox, you need to start littertraining all over again. Most people never even “trained” their cat to use the box in the first place; I just kind of put a litterbox in a corner and hoped for the best and didn’t have any issues at first.

What you’ll actually need to do is confine your cat to one room with its food, water, and litterbox; a small room like a bathroom is best. Ideally, you’ll want to do this in the room the box is currently in, but this is also a great way to acclimate a cat to a new placement. Obviously, you’ll want the food to be as far away from the box as possible; “you don’t shit where you eat” is a good rule of thumb for both you and your cat.

Kittens especially need to be watched when first introduced to the box.

Keep your cat confined to that room. Make sure they’re using the box. Go in and hang out with your cat, bring him treats, get him some cool toys, but keep your cat confined until you know he’s reliably using the box; at least three days, but I’d even recommend longer if you’ve been having problems. Once you’ve confirmed that he’s regularly using the box, you can start to allow him access to the rest of the house, one room at a time; if he’s the type that pees when you’re gone, you may still want to confine him when you’re not home.

Hopefully, problem solved.  There is always a reason your cat is not using its litterbox, I promise. It’s not because Clawed Monet is mad at you or doesn’t care for the color of those shoes you wore yesterday, either. If these steps don’t work or don’t apply to your situation, finding the cause may be more difficult, but it can still be done.

If your cat will not use the box (or whatever you want it to use; maybe it’s the bathtub) and it remains a problem, you have a few options, but surrendering the cat is often not one. In a shelter with hundreds of great cats that do use a litterbox, no one is going to adopt the one who habitually does not. Sad but true. So persevere, put up with it, or rehome the cat with someone who doesn’t care or has a lot of free time to potty-train a cat.

Still have questions? Email them to TrainingCornerNerds -at- gmail for use in a future column.