crasstalk parenting

7 posts

Crasstalk Gets a Baby Brother: Meet Crassparenting.com

Crassparenting.com kangaroo logoWhen I created Crasstalk.com on a whim one night late in 2010, I had no idea what it would become. All I knew was that we had an extended network of interesting people who all had a lot to say and wanted a new place to say it.

Ever since then, I’ve been continually amazed at just how important our authors, commenters and readers are to the growth of Crasstalk — and how important Crasstalk is to them.

Over the past year, The Grand Inquisitor, Dogs of War and I have spent a lot of time thinking about how we wanted to grow this amazing community. Our first goal was to put Crasstalk on a solid financial footing – those of you who donated to the site early made amazing contributions but that’s no way to run a website of this size. So we worked hard to drive enough revenue from advertising to support the site without detracting from the commenter experience. We’re certainly not getting rich anytime soon but we’re now earning enough revenue to keep the lights on and even have a little left over for development of new site features and new projects.  Continue reading →

Potty Training Boot Camp

everybody poopsLast week, my niece was in town with her newborn son. I spent several hours holding him because I have a long-standing weakness for infants. It was so nice to spend some quiet time with the newest member of our family. Since I was enjoying myself, several people asked if I wanted another baby. I have just enough time to squeeze one more in if I hurry.

The answer is “No”. The truth is that I am weary of monitoring small butts. Every baby is a minimum two year commitment to diapers. Honestly, it’s probably more like three years and that doesn’t include nighttime wetting. My daughter, who I will call Bean, is 2.5 and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the diaper tunnel. I can’t go back. I won’t go back. I can’t bear the thought of an endless pile of diapers on the horizon. Continue reading →

Parenting Pet Peeves

There was a great article on Crasstalk about pet peeves recently. I suffer from a variety of them which is probably not one of my best personality traits. As I thought about it, I realized that there are some pet peeves that are particular to being a parent. Then I decided to do a post on this because it’s extremely fun to hear other parents’ pet peeves.

  • Competitive parenting of any variety (My baby learned to walk when she was just a fetus! My 2 year old can recite the Gettysburg address! My preteen has just been admitted to medical school!)
  • Parents with multiples who have their act together. How do they do it? It reflects poorly on me since I can barely keep my act together with 2 children 2.5 years apart.
  • Parents who allow their children to be rude to waitresses, store clerks, or anyone in a service position.
  • Anyone who brings a small child to a nice restaurant. Don’t torture the childless and the parents who are having a romantic evening out. Children belong at Olive Garden and Chucky Cheese.
  • That f****ing lisping duck on WonderPets.
  • Toys with motion detectors that oink, bark, squeak or whinny when someone walks by them.
  • Dominoes. Why do people keep giving my kids dominoes? We have enough to start a domino domination nation around here.
  • Anyone whose children look perfect. It’s not normal. They get bonus pet peeve points if they dress their children in matching or coordinating clothing.
  • Skinny, attractive mothers who never, ever look flustered.
  • Children who are under the impression that I’m primarily a waitress (I’m looking at you, Mr. Wee Cornnut)
  • My spouse pretending he doesn’t smell a poopy diaper.
  • People who talk baby talk to my kids in a really loud fake voice.
  • People I barely know who give me parenting advice.
  • Parents who feed their kids organic-only and make a huge commotion about it.
  • Anyone who tells me I look exhausted (I know!)
  • Competitive sports parents. I know I already mentioned competition but these people deserve a second mention. They are sucking all the joy of childhood
  • Legos on the floor. Those things hurt like the dickens when you step on them.
  • People who are mean to their kids. This one isn’t funny. Every once in a while, I hear someone say something that is flat-out mean to their child. I really, really wish people would not do that.

What are your parenting pet peeves?

Things I Never Thought I’d Say

I’ve said many, many strange things to my children. This was originally what my blog was about. It was called “Let me smell your butt”. That is something you say almost constantly when you have small children. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, but they did.

I would love to hear some others. This could be an amusing thread. I can’t even imagine what I’ll be saying when the kids are teenagers. Here are some more of mine (keep in mind that my kids are 2 and 4):

  • Don’t worry, it’s only pee
  • Hand me that booger
  • You may not eat another cookie until you eat the one on the floor
  • Daddies don’t have boobs
  • Your sister doesn’t have a weenie
  • I don’t need to change. I only have a little puke on me
  • Don’t put the toothbrush on your butt
  • The potty is not boring
  • Monsters are very ticklish (this one actually helped my son get over his fear of monsters)
  • I don’t care how much you cry; I’m not letting you wear a potty on your head
  • Knock it off or you’re taking square dancing lessons (this phrase is part of our creative discipline program)
  • Find something soft to stab your sister with
  • If you want to play with your noodle, do it outside
  • I hate that lisping duck (Gah! Those damn Wonderpets)
  • Please don’t paint the baby

New Moms at Risk for Depression

I read an article a while back in which pediatricians recommended depression screenings for new moms. After you have a baby, your OBGYN may ask you some questions about post-partum depression. However, in this article, Canadian doctors recommended that pediatricians screen for depression in new moms.

This is a good idea because as you moms know, you are at the pediatrician every 5 minutes, it seems, especially with your first baby. There are all these developmental milestones and issues to worry about and vaccines and lectures and that constant weighing. New babies must constantly be weighed to make sure they are gaining weight, but not too much weight. You probably also visit the pediatrician a lot because as a new mom, you are terrified every time the baby coughs, sneezes, spits up, sleeps through a feeding, poops something weird or does anything new. It’s so stressful because you’re new to the game and convinced that you are doing something wrong. My mom called the pediatrician the first time my brother sneezed. She was in a panic only a new first-time mom can appreciate.

If you don’t have children, you might wonder why a new mom might be depressed. You might be especially confused if the baby was planned. Isn’t this what the mother wanted? Why on earth would the mother of a healthy baby be depressed? Sure, the baby looks more like a hairless rat than a Gerber baby, but she must have known that babies don’t start out very good looking.
Well, for starters, newborns provide feedback vigorously. Sometimes, they scream all the damn time. It’s very easy to anger a newborn. Here are some of the things that anger newborns:

  • Feedings
  • Lack of feeding
  • Gas
  • Noise
  • Quiet
  • Swaddling
  • Rocking
  • Lack of rocking
  • Not being held by Mom
  • Being held by Mom
  • Clothing
  • Nudity
  • Dirty diaper
  • Clean diaper
  • You are breathing too loud
  • Fluctuations in the Dow
  • Changes in atmospheric pressure
  • Changes in formula
  • Changes in the mother’s diet if breastfeeding
  • Changes in the return policy at Target

There are some things about being a new mom that no one can really prepare you for. One is the sensation of a healing episiotomy scar. It’s a feeling like no other. Another is a healing c-section scar which has the added bonus of the judgment you may receive for not having a natural birth. Then there’s the fact that it’s next to impossible to get a shower because your baby, who you thought would be a super-cute baby but looks more like crib larvae, will not stop screaming or pooping.

Other reasons for depression include being trapped in the house, not being able to finish a sentence because you are so unbelievably exhausted, sheer tiredness the likes of which you have never known, and the feeling of betrayal you get when you realize you still need to wear maternity clothes. That put together with the hormone cocktail a new mother receives could spiral anyone into a depression. I know that I, personally, spent 45 minutes in the bathroom crying because someone sent my son a windup toy that play “Hush Little Baby” and it was just the saddest song I had ever heard. Hormones can play mind tricks on you.

I think all new moms should be alerted to how real the possibility of this depression can be because it can be difficult. Even moms who don’t struggle with depression aren’t likely caught up in the state of bliss the media leads you to expect. The first six weeks of motherhood can be brutal. You’re sort of removed from real life and it can make it difficult to see things clearly.

I also, selfishly, wanted to post this because I am dying to hear post-partum stories from other Crasstalkers. I know there are some good ones out there. I’ll even help by embarrassing myself some more:

  • I burst into tears at Thanksgiving dinner and asked my husband if he would ever want to have sex with me again (the baby was 2 weeks old). I’m pretty sure my mother overheard me.
  • I nearly tackled a woman who asked me when I was due. I was holding the baby. I knew I wasn’t losing the weight very quickly but she didn’t have to rub it in.

 

Top image here.

Crass Parenting: Modern Birth Terminology

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The birth process has changed a lot since I was born. My mom just went to the hospital and had me. It was pretty cut and dried. Today, she’d be known as a terrible mother. Birth has evolved. It’s become a defining act. It tells the world what kind of mother you are and many believe it sets the tone for the relationship you will have with your child.

If you are newly pregnant or someone close to you is having their first child, you will probably hear a lot of new concepts thrown around. Mothers-to-be have to decide where to have their baby, how to have it, whether drugs or interventions should be involved and how to deal with the baby immediately after the birth. There are lots of decisions to be made. However, to start off with, it’s important to understand the terminology. Here are some terms you might not be familiar with if you are new to the modern birth era:

Birth plan: Birth plans are a fictional document a mother writes before the birth which outlines how she would like the birth to proceed. The plan often contains her wishes to use or avoid medication, induction or c-sections. The mother gives this plan to the doctors and nurses who laugh themselves sick because we all know how cooperative babies are. Yes, babies come on time, on schedule, in exactly the way you want them to be born. That happens all the time.

Doula: Doulas like to say that while the father or doctor catches the baby, the doula catches the mother. The Doula is there to mediate between the mother and the doctor and make sure the mother doesn’t make any rash decisions such as deciding at the last moment that she will take any and all drugs and she doesn’t care what she said yesterday about medication, dammit, she wants an epidural now.

Midwife: Midwives are superior to doctors in that they are considered more natural and holistic and will make you feel like a wimp if you whine about drugs or beg for pain medicine. Midwives are often earthy, granola type women who gave birth after two pushes and buried their placenta under a tree. They are the kinds of women who glowed during pregnancy and have magical birth experiences. Clearly, they are either aliens or part of a secret superhuman race. They speak in coded language that only other superhuman women understand. They use code words like “surges” and “orgasmic birth” that will attract other superhuman women and allow them to give birth to their superhuman babies in the midwife environment.

Homebirth: Instead of going to the hospital and bringing the baby home, you have your baby at home. Then, you get to deal with the mess and bodily fluids yourself or assign your husband and/or any onlookers to clean up the biohazards. This is a great way to involve them in the birth process. Nothing makes a new father happier than cleaning up uterine fluid and blood. Also, if you live in an apartment complex, you will be able to alert your neighbors immediately to the fact that a baby is on the way so they can go shopping for baby gifts asap.

Unassisted childbirth: This is for the balls to the wall crowd. Midwives and doctors be damned – in this case, you are going it alone. There are lots and lots of helpful videos and stories on the internet about people who birth without out any medical intervention whatsoever. Sometimes the mother even catches the baby by herself. This requires the kind of woman who is very vigilant during labor as the baby definitely needs to be caught if the mother is standing or squatting. A fresh baby covered in bodily fluid can go flying pretty far. It’s probably a good idea to have a catcher’s mitt on hand.

Orgasmic birth: A contradiction in terms. Attempt to keep a straight when you hear this term. Some first time mothers think this is possible during childbirth. You never hear experienced mothers talk about it.