“This is only the beginning. Much love, The Princess,” reads the lipstick on the mirror. Whut? Points for using an altered RuPaul lyric, I guess. DiDa wipes the message away, explaining that she was angry that the judges weren’t seeing her for her. She says she channeled that anger into her lip-synch. Twitter was aflame last week with people praising her lip-synch, but I still feel it was way too over-the-top. Chad asks Sharon how she’s feeling about her second win. “I’m proud of myself. I showed up here thinking I’d probably be the first one home,” Ms. Needles answers. Phi Phi looks on with full stankface.
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Welcome to the fifty-ninth season of Celebrity Apprentice, where money is no objec—oh whoops! Looks like budgets have been slashed because Donald Trump, the man of a million hair follicles, pulls up to Lincoln Center in a limousine instead of a helicopter. A limousine? How nouveau riche! He greets the eighteen “celebrities” on the stage of Avery Fischer Hall while a live orchestra plays his theme song in the background. Our eighteen “celebrities” are as follows: Continue reading
Hi zombies! I mean readers! Now where did we leave off last week? Oh right. Ranger Rick just killed Random Guy One and Random Guy Two, who would’ve/could’ve/should’ve been the most interesting characters on the show, while Shane and Blondie had a zombie bonfire. There’s also some chick in sticker shock at the price of barn zombies, and Lori crashed her car so she may be dead and/or not pregnant. So. Are they finally going to get off of the farm? Let’s find out, shall we? Continue reading
“Stay true to you, XOXO.” And with that generic, underwhelming sign-off, LaShauwn has been cast off into the great Beyond. Latrice is sad that her baby is gone. I know she had a special fondness for LaShauwn, but come on Latrice, you’re mama hen to most of these bitches, and they need you! The Princess describes how awful it was to be on the bottom even though we’re reasonably sure it wasn’t her first time at that rodeo. Also she’s annoyed that Jiggly called her out. Oh well, that’s how the game is played, sweetie! Hit the jump, and let’s break down this week’s episode.
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So we made it through the first half of the season where we spent an inordinate amount of time looking for and grousing about long lost Sophia, whom by the end of it, many a viewer never wanted to see again, frankly. But there we were, in the climatic ending to the Fall finale and finally, (Dear God, FINALLY!) we got an answer to where the hell that little zombie chum wandered off to — and it was straight into the jaws of a zombie, that’s where. Continue reading
Welcome back to Dance Moms! Previously on shows us why we have all been wondering why we’re watching this season. Moving on to the Pyramid of Shame! Let’s round up the usual suspects. Continue reading
RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 4 has begun, bitches, and as Miss Ru warns us in the cold open, it’s going to be “over the motherf*cking top!” She wasn’t lying. Join me after the jump for your season premiere recap! Continue reading
The candidates met in Jacksonville, Florida’s most charmless city, to once again argue about who is least unlikeable. Gingrich is hoping to build on the momentum from South Carolina, where he was less despised than Romney. Romney wants to score some sort death-blow on the loathsome space-beast who stands between him and the nomination that is RIGHTFULLY HIS. Poor morose sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum want to recapture the glory days of Iowa, when HE was popular. Santorum is tired of being the Jan to Romney’s Marcia, and now, to make matters worse, Newt Gingrich is suddenly…Greg, or Davy Jones, or something. It’s not fair. He doesn’t want to blow this thing, and have his damned kids start blubbering, and have his wife give him THAT LOOK. He can’t stand it. Screw you, Romney! SCREW YOU! And the neither-living-nor-dead specter that stoner-hobos and Burning Man-enthusiasts call Ron Paul? He is here because he must be. He is not motivated by the gross lusts of Gingrich or the passionate anger of Santorum, for passion is a trait of the young, and Ron Paul is old, so very old. The gold, the lost gold of Osiris drives him, and his soul aches with an emptiness you cannot imagine. Continue reading
The unending horror that is Campaign 2012 lurches now into Florida, with loathsome space-criminal Newton Leroy Gingrich more-or-less the front runner again after savagely defragging hapless software glitch Willard “10k” Romney in South Carolina. Sweater-fetishist and reproductive-sex enthusiast Dick Santorum is hoping to catch up with the disgraced former House Speaker here in the wretched peninsula where all those Spanish conquistadores got malaria. Romney is just hoping not to get embarrassed again. Ron Paul left hope behind in the sands of his homeland, millennia ago, and he comes here because he cannot stop, until the temple gold is recovered, and his curse is lifted, and dread Horus calls him home. Monday night, the candidates met in Tampa, near the spot where Hernando de Soto introduced the Calusa people to smallpox, for yet another one of their endless debates. Won’t these people ever shut up? The short answer, of course, is no. Continue reading
Welcome back to Dance Moms! You know you love it. For those of you who haven’t been watching, or are dealing with memory loss, we have a “Previously On” segment. Or you can read my recap. Continue reading