recaps

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The Amazing Race: U-Turn-O-Rama

Where were we? Oh right, the “Couple” lost their fanny pack which contained all of their worldly and otherworldly possessions. Kynt had a queasy look about him and I got the impression that he knew he had left the waist-luggage on the gondola. Was he right? Yup. The “Couple” climbed all the way back up the mountain (via gondola) and there it was, waiting for them in some sort of makeshift lost-and-found. Kynt was so relieved that he kissed the fanny pack, which is more intimate than he has ever been with Vyxsin.

In the meantime, the Nerds learned they are still racing and had to travel by train to the city of Kunming where they were to search for their next clue in the Dounan Flower Market.

Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord arrived at the train station at noon and learn that there is only one train which left at 7 p.m. Sad trombones played as they realized that their lead was lost. Oh TAR, you’re such a tease with the transportation equalizers. Also? He can’t hear the sad trombones.

When the “Couple” finally reach Phil they were so overjoyed that they were still racing that Kynt kissed the clue! No he didn’t, but he wanted to kiss the clue a lot more than he wanted to kiss Vyxsin. Because they took the wrong flight, they incurred a 30 minute penalty which they would have to wait out at the next pit stop.

What happened next was strange and wonderful. It appears that Flight Time has been lugging a basketball halfway around the world in a giant fanny pack. So while they were waiting for their train, the Cowboys, the Sisters, and the Globetrotters shot some hoops in the parking lot while the Cheerleaders cheered. It was an amazing little glimpse at how much fun racing around the world can be, and I have made a mental note to bring a basketball the next time I find myself at a train station in China with seven hours to kill.

All teams boarded a triple-decker train to Kunming. What is a triple-decker train you ask? It’s a train with beds stacked three high. The top bunk looked about ten feet off of the ground, and there was no visible ladder so I assume climbing up involved a great deal of gymnastics. Or, if you’re the Globetrotters, just sitting down.

Upon arriving in Kunming, Old Yeller noted that by speaking Chinese, they have the home court advantage. Not to be outdone, the Nerds added that “Ron and Christina must know exactly where they’re going.” Because China is a small town?

The Sisters located the clue first amongst the flowery flowers of the flower market. Teams were directed to the Golden Horse and Jade Cock Memorial Arches to search for their next clue. No joke, I had to rewind three times because I thought Phil said “gay cock.” Now that would have been an interesting Detour.

Detour! The teams had a choice between honoring the past, or embracing the future. In Honor the Past, teams had to watch a traditional Tibetan performance and place a set of 15 dolls representing the characters in the show in the same order as they appeared on the stage. In Embrace the Future, teams had to offload a water heating system, carry it to the roof of a building, and properly install it.

Dance, dance, dance, dolls, dolls, dolls, and the Nerds finished the task and were the first team headed towards the dreaded Double U-Turn. The Sisters and Old Yeller were close on their heels. Because Old Yeller knows all of China everywhere, the two teams decided to follow Old Yeller’s cab.  Unfortunately, Old Yeller’s cab driver did not know China as well as they did and led all three teams to the wrong location. Oops! That’s what you get for following another team.

Over at Embracing the Future, Deaf Kid and Umbilical Cord lugged the materials up to the roof like champs! Behind them were the Cheerleaders and the “Couple” who seemed to already know about the dreaded Double U-Turn. The “Couple” were having a bit of trouble carrying heavy things because Kynt has wispy, pale little twigs for arm. To add insult to injury, the Cowboys blazed past them on the staircase like they were carrying marshmallows topped with feathers. The Globetrotters eventually showed up, picked up two toothpicks, and stepped onto the rooftop.

Deaf Kid and Umbilical Cord finished the task and headed for the dreaded Double U-Turn. When a team is U-Turned, they have to go back and complete the other task which can really slow a team down considerably. Deaf Kid arrived first and decided not to U-Turn anyone because they were pretty sure that they were in first place. Which they were. But still, it’s a race for a bazillion dollars! Play hard or don’t play at all, folks!  Another team that didn’t U-Turn anyone? The Cowboys. I don’t understand the nicey-nice strategy, but okay.

The “Couple” and the Cheerleaders arrived at the U-Turn almost at the same time, but the “Couple” muscled the Cheerleaders out of the way at the last second. First, they U-Turned the Globetrotters because they knew that they were still behind them. But what other team was behind them? Psst! They’re standing right behind you! The lightbulb went off in Kynt’s head and they U-Turned the Cheerleaders right to their faces! Ha ha! It was evil and awesome and the smartest thing they’ve done in days.

Roadblock! Teams had to take a cab to the Stone Forest outside of the city. Most of the teams bunched up and followed one cab to the Stone Forest where they had to reconstruct a 20-foot life-sized dinosaur model. The task looked really hard and physically exhausting.

The Cheerleaders arrived at the second task while the Globetrotters realized that they had been U-Turned. Poor Globetrotters. The Cheerleaders finished before they even showed up.  But, the Globetrotters made quick work of it and the Cheerleaders’ cab had to stop for gas, so the Globetrotters passed the Cheerleaders on the way to the Stone Forest.

The Nerds and Father/Daughter got totally lost and were having communication problems. At one point, they were miming “stone” and “forest.” As a result, they were the last two teams to arrive at the task.

Most teams were struggling to properly complete their dinosaur models. Father/Daughter took one look at the task and decided to use their Express Pass. Remember that? They got it for winning the first leg and it allows them to skip any task. Bam! Off to the pit stop at Green Light Park in Kun Ming Zhan!

The Cowboys did a great job of being careful and checking the diagram a million times and finished the task before the rest of the teams. They even let out a little yeeeeehaw! And, because Father/Daughter were having trouble finding a cab, the Cowboys passed them and won this leg of the Race! Another hearty yeeeehaw! and the ginger one even threw his hat in the air! And, rather than another romantic vacation, they each won $5,000 which they can spend on hats and belt buckles and other cowboy accessories. Good for you, Cowboys, I think you got your groove back!

Back at the task from hell, Jaimie was getting pissed, Zev was disassembling his dinosaur again, and Kynt climbed up on a ladder to grab the top of the dinosaur tail and did some sort of a swan dive onto the ground.

Umbilical Cord finished next, then the Sisters, then the “Couple” (who still have a 30 minute penalty to wait out), and then Big Easy who looked like he just picked up a few dinosaur bones and placed them at his feet. Finally Christina finished and I have to say, good for you, Ron. You kept your big mouth shut and let your daughter do the task without any berating or micromanaging. See how well that worked? The only teams left at the task were the Nerds and the Cheerleaders, and neither of them were even close to finishing.

Eventually, Justin finished his dinosaur. Jaimie looked like she wanted to give give up. She threw a mini-tantrum, waving her arms around like a tyrannosaurus rex, and…pressed on. Exhausted and broken, she finished the task knowing that they were going to be the last team to arrive. The Cheerleaders were eliminated, but I give them credit because they finally showed something closely resembling grace.

Next week, the teams are off to Calcutta, India and have to do a tea tasting that supposedly brings Luke to his breaking point (fingers crossed!). Also, Luke loses his sleeves.

So? Are you as happy as I am that the Globetrotters caught up and the Cheerleaders were eliminated? How badly did you want to join in that game of hoops at the bus terminal? And where exactly was Flight Time stashing that basketball?

Sister Wives Recap: Reality Television Results in Surprising Lack of Privacy

Sister Wives season 2 premiered and I for one was darned glad to catch up with Kody and his concubines. They’ve had a little exposure to the Planet Earth since we last saw them. Not only are they being stalked by the paparazzi, they ended up on the receiving end of a police investigation.

They seemed genuinely puzzled by some of the public’s reaction to polygamy. Most people in Utah are very familiar with plural marriage regardless of whether or not they support it. I think before Big Love aired, most Americans had given polygamy about 3-10 minutes in their entire lives. During the polygamy compound raids, the concept of plural marriage still needed a lot of explanation for most people. I’d bet money that most TLC viewers were stunned to see actual polygamists with stylish hair and normal clothing.

The first part of the show was devoted to the Today Show interview, the first season and the initial fallout. There was quite of bit of press stalking the house although the wives quickly learned the art of evading the press. There were many, many comments made online and on TV. Then, there was the law enforcement reaction. Some of the feedback was not positive and this caused some stress. Robyn cried; Meri made unhappy faces; Janelle was resigned and Christine had a red nose.

Honestly, though, if you offer yourself up to reality television, you have to be prepared for the beast to bite back. It can offer a measure of fame but it opens you up to lots and lots of judgment which can be unpleasant. The viewing public is everywhere and they don’t necessarily agree with or even like you. Many of them will make this quite clear if they meet you in real life. Then, of course, there’s the issue of internet buzz and bloggers who like to snark about people with more interesting lives.

The kids started public school for the first time. This seems like a lot to handle in combination with the media blitz, but what do I know? (No one has offered me a reality show). They only went to one day of school so it’s hard to tell yet how the year will play out. The other kids at school were on their best behavior. They didn’t throw rocks at the self-named Plyglets and no one had a “You have Shirley Temple hair” intervention with the daughter that spent 1.5 hours on her hair. There are lots of kids in the family and they may have some safety in numbers.

There was a controversy over the school’s emergency contact forms (this is who they call when your kids get caught huffing glue in art class). Christine sees the publicity as an opportunity finally to be honest and adds her sister wives as “Other Moms” on the form. Janelle labeled the sister wives as “Aunts” which betrayed six generations of polygamists.

I have a question about Christine and her red nose. Does anyone else think she’s taking a nip here and again? Is she a real life Barb Hendrickson? I will devote the last two paragraphs to a Big Love/Sister Wives narrative analysis for fans of both shows, but I definitely think Christine has a hot toddy once in a while.

I love it when the cameras move throughout the family’s house(s?). I’m obsessed with catching glimpses of their style and taste. Christine is a fan of decorating by hanging dried flowers upside down and taping them to the wall. Next to decorated hats on a wall, this is my least favorite form of décor. I also saw some borders adorned with geese and flowers. In the background, I caught a glimpse of the ice blocks that the family stocks up for some religious cult tomfoolery called ice-blocking.

There are just so, so many things to talk about. I’m going to wind it down, but here is a quick Big Love/Sister Wives analysis for fans of both shows:

There are several interesting parallels between this season’s Big Love (the fictional polygamists) and The Brown Family on Sister Wives. Both families opted for public exposure at the end of last season. Both have a narcissistic patriarch that I’d sort of like to punch. Both families also have a wide variety of children that I find difficult to keep track of (excepting Ben and Sarah on Big Love).

I got into some serious analysis on this and here’s my Big Love to Sister Wives conversion. Kody is obviously Bill. Janelle and Christine combine to equal Barb (We need both Jenelle’s common sense and Christine’s management skills to equal one fictional polygamy first wife). Meri is Nikki. I know she’s actually the first wife but I felt there was a better parallel between Meri’s chronic sourpuss and Nikki’s self-interested and judgmental approach to almost everything. Robyn is obviously Margene. No explanations needed there.

The Amazing Race: Yakety Yak, Don’t Turn Back

Welcome back, Race spectators!

The teams started out at the pit stop at the mouth of Tokyo Bay in Japan, which is sort of disturbing timing considering the parade of horrible events that is still unfolding in that country. I would like to say a few words about it before diving into the recap, but I have no words. It is simply that awful.

The Nerds were the first team to arrive at the pit stop at 8:44am at departed at 8:44pm. Their destination is Jade Dragon Mountain in Li Jiang, China.  But, because there were so few available flights (really? Not a lot of flights from Japan to China? That seemed a little sketchy), all of the teams had to take the same designated flight to Kungming China and then book their own local transportation to Li Jiang.

Zev’s reaction? “There’s a lot of people in China, I’m not much of a people person.” Thank you for that insight, Zev.

Someone who is considerably more excited about going to China than Zev is Old Yeller because he and Christina speak Chinese.  On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum are The Sisters Who Had To Pee In China because it is the scene of their ill-timed nature break.  Also, China is where The Sisters and Deaf Guy And His Umbilical Cord had a kerfuffle during which one of the sisters called Umbilical Cord a bitch. Which she is.  Joining The Sisters in China Misery: Part Deux are The Cheerleaders who did not enjoy their brief stay the last time around because nobody spoke English or appreciated their inner beauty.

The teams had to drive themselves to the airport. Does anybody else find the Deaf Guy driving disturbing? I didn’t know that was allowed, but then again I’ve never really thought about it very deeply. I’m too lazy to Google “Deaf Driving,” but if someone wants to elaborate on the ins and outs of driving while hearing impaired, it would be greatly appreciated.

The drive to the airport was uneventful for all but one team—the “Couple.” They got very, very, very lost. Kynt was driving and Vyxsin was doing just an awful job of navigating and it was unclear how long they had been on the road but they left at night and it was daytime when she realized that the compass pointed in the wrong direction.  We soon learned that all of the other teams had three hours before their 9:50am flight.

Could the “Couple” actually miss the flight? Uh huh. It was 9am when they finally turned around and were headed in the right direction, but they were nowhere near the airport. The flight boarded at 9:20am and took off without them! The flight really took off without them! That rarely ever happens, and it may be the first time in TAR history that a team has missed a pre-arranged mandatory flight.  Whatever the case, it was not looking good for the “Couple.” The next flight to China left about five hours later, a lifetime in TAR years. But, they soldiered on.

Once in China, the teams scrambled to figure out how to get to Li Jiang first. There seemed to be a choice between trains and planes, but no automobiles.  All of the teams opted for a train, with Old Yeller being the only team to make it onto an earlier train.  It didn’t matter though because the first shuttle to Jade Dragon Mountain left at 8am which allowed the other teams to catch up.

In the meantime, Old Yeller stopped for a snack of what I think he called dragon balls. He thought they were delicious. He was very focused on food and annoyed his daughter throughout the entire leg of the race about snacks. “Can I have my yogurt now? Oh those little grilled fish look delicious! Let me just grab a few fried scorpions to tide me over.” It’s a race for a million dollars and he’s trying to turn China into a giant tapas bar.

The rest of the teams caught up with Old Yeller as they hopped onto shuttle buses headed up the mountain. They all noted that the “Couple” weren’t there. It has been days since anyone saw them.  The “Couple” actually arrived at 2:20am, but the airport was closed and the trains weren’t running that late so they found a hotel and took a nap. In the morning, they opted for a flight to Li Jiang, and before boarding the flight, Vyxsin realized that she left her passport at the security checkpoint. This team is just an absolute mess! Get it together, “Couple,” or you’re gonna be Philiminated!

While the “Couple” was bumbling through the airport, the other teams encountered a task called “Yak Yak Yak!” Since nothing called “Yak Yak Yak!” can ever be bad, the teams were in a generally pleasant mood as they saddled up their yaks and rode them across a river. The Cowboys made saddling up a yak look easy with their mad cowboy skills while the Nerds were having a bit of trouble getting on their Yak. The Globetrotters basically just stood there with their legs spread apart and when the yak walked underneath them, they sat down.

After the yak rides, the teams had to take the Jade Dragon Gondola three miles above sea level to get their next clue. The altitude was making teams woozy, and they all seemed to be having a good deal of trouble running.

Roadblock! One team member had to search tens of thousands of hanging charms for the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac and place the charms in the correct order on a wind chime. Do you know what wind chimes are for? Stupid people who don’t know that it is windy.

The Deaf Kid collected his charms first, but he got the assembly wrong. The Daughter got hers right so Father/Daughter were the first team out of the Roadblock. They then had to find a marked bus and travel to the old town of Li Jiang. Old Yeller finished next, then the Deaf Kid, the Cowboys, the Globetrotters, the Cheerleaders and the Sisters.  Zev was the only one left. He was looking for a rabbit charm and was incredibly frustrated.

In the meantime, the “Couple” headed up on the gondola. And we know it’s not just fancy editing because as the other teams were headed down on the Gondola, they passed the “Couple” headed up. Folks, we have a race on our hands! The “Couple” showed up while Zev was still trying to complete the task. He had found the last charm, but didn’t understand that he had to hang the charms in the order that they appear on the zodiac chart.

At the bottom of the mountain, Old Yeller hopped on a bus without checking to see if it was a marked bus. It wasn’t. It was just a regular old shuttle bus that didn’t have any doors. Old Yeller was pissed because they were going in the wrong direction which, naturally, was Christina’s fault.  The driver wouldn’t turn around, so Christina jumped out of a moving vehicle, landing on her back. I am not sure if she did this to win the race, or to end it once and for all. It was very, very strange. The bus finally stopped and Old Yeller got out. The two of them ran down an incline to the other buses which were already on the road, flailing their arms and yelling for the buses to stop. All of the teams ignored them (I think I heard the Cheerleaders tell their driver to speed up and head for the old man chomping on a fruit roll-up), but the Globetrotters stopped the bus because they are just wonderful people. I sure hope nice guys don’t finish last.

Once in the town, there was a boring thing about a zodiac sign and a wish. Then the teams had a choice between Hammer or Horn. In Hammer, teams had to pulverize hot molten candy. In Horn, teams had to carry a long ceremonial horn in a precession to a palace. All teams chose Hammer except the Cheerleaders and the Globetrotters.

Oh did we forget the Nerds and the “Couple”? While the rest of the teams were pounding candy with a hammer, Zev was struggling to figure out the arrangement of symbols and Vyxsin couldn’t find her last few charms. Zev finally realized that he had two goats and needed a horse. Ain’t that always the way it goes? Too many goats, not enough horses. He found the right one and finally finished the task while Vyxsin struggled to keep it together.

The hammering didn’t look that complicated as the teams blazed through the task. Back at the horns, the Cheerleaders realized that they wouldn’t be able to lift the horns and turned around to go to the other task. By the time they got back to the other task, the teams had finished and it was a race to the Eternal Tower in the center of the city.

Deaf Guy and his Umbilical Cord were the first team to arrive and won a romantic vacation to Aruba. Eew. Enjoy your couples massage. But surprise! They’re still racing!

All of the other teams checked in at the pit stop with what looked like not much time between them except for the “Couple.” While they eventually finished the charms task (are they still working on that?), the idiots left their fanny pack on the gondola. As is the rules with fanny packs, it contained all of their worldly possessions, including fairy dust, passports, and money. Now, I haven’t worn a fanny pack since…ever. But it is my understanding that these things clip around your waist for the sole purpose of not losing your stuff. I can understand why Old Yeller took off his fanny pack in the last episode since he was going to be submerged in water. But the “Couple”? No, that’s just stupid. And I don’t want to hear that it clashed with their “pink and black attack” outfits, because that pack was black. So if they had just renamed themselves the “pink and black fanny pack attack,” they wouldn’t be in this pickle.

Where were we? Oh right. All of the teams checked in except for the “Couple” who are totally screwed. Scenes from next week included a dreaded two headed double UTurn, and that’s about it. Did TAR stretch this out into a non-elimination “you’re still racing” to give the “Couple” time to catch up just like they did with the Cowboys? And will it even matter considering their latest bout of idiocy? And do the Globetrotters even have a chance of winning with their nicey-nice strategy?

Glee — “Sexy” is Subjective

Prologue

The thing about Glee and high school-centered shows in general is that almost every episode teaches some heavy-handed message to the characters, and if we’re lucky (read: not lucky), it teaches us viewers a lesson. Some messages that Glee has forcefully taught us in the past include: You really shouldn’t drink so much (especially not in school!), The Rocky Horror Picture Show is fantastic (duh!), prissy girls can never be fashion icons, your hot girlfriend is cheating on you with a sexy mohawked dude, and when you begin to doubt your style, dress like Lady Gaga (sound advice, in my opinion).

So when you judge a high school comedy-drama (I will not use the word “dramedy” guys and I will verbally shank any commenters that do), it’s only fair to judge it on a scale that consists only of series/movies that center on high school. On my scale, Glee is middling to high-middling and without the music, this show would suuuuuuuuuck. You could imagine my horror when I saw that next week’s episode is going to include (only? only some?) original music. Who are the producers kidding? I only watch this nonsense to see these beautiful fools warble songs that I like and make tolerable the songs that I hate. Without any preformed opinions on a song, I’m just going to assume that it blows and I’ll sit there rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth until my face hurts.

But I digress. In the spirit of high school special messages and lessons, I’m going to recap Glee by talking about what I have or have not learned. Whether or not that correlates to what I’m supposed to have learned is something that we’ll ascertain together (or not at all. Who cares!). I hope you’ll join me on this cunty motherfuckin’ ride because watching Glee alone and not making fun of it is just about the saddest thing I can think of.

 

Season 2, Episode 15: Sexy

(Ed. Note: UGH. THAT TITLE.)
What I Learned
  • Emma is the prudest prude that ever pruded. God damn! I’ll give her some credit though. Because of her, I learned that you can say “hose monster” on television. I also learned that the writers are fools if they think that anyone can be with John Stamos for four months without doing dirty things all over his body. I don’t buy it. They’re laying this EmPrissy thing on a little thick, especially considering her saucy little “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” number with Will in “The Rocky Horror Glee Show.”

    Not just for teenagers anymore!
  • Sue Sylvester likes her sugar with coffee and cream.
  • Santana and Brittany like to cuddle to the TV version of Sweet Valley High. Who knew that high school girls also fantasize about twins? The More You Know!
  • Will’s an asshole. Well, OK, we already knew that, but he totally proved it AGAIN. When Gwyneth (I DON’T KNOW HER CHARACTER’S NAME AND I DON’T CARE) was doing a surprisingly good rendition of Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me,” Will looked on in alarm and held up a little sign that said something like “Hey, being inappropriately sexy with the students is my thing, bitch.”

  • I learned that I don’t care about Puck and that other girl. BORED.
  • Finn & Quinn: EQUALLY BORED. I mean, they’re good looking and all but their names rhyme, for the love of god.
  • Jazzercise is still a thing that people do.
  • Gwyneth thinks that if you’re celibate, you’re lame, naive, and possibly frigid. I’m starting to like this chick.
What I Haven’t Learned/Remaining Questions
  • Why the hell did they start a chastity club? And why did this club—which is pretty typical of Christian groups (whether Evangelical or LDS)—only have two members: The Second Coming of Barbra Streisand and The Girl Who Gave Birth at 16? Was this an excuse to make a chastity-charms-as-nipple-rings joke? If so, worth it. More likely than that, though, is that the sudden inclusion of the chastity club is meant to serve as a catalyst for John Stamos to leave Emma Pillsbury so that the sexual (hah! as if!) tension between her and Will can annoy us to death anew.
  • Why have the writers made Gwyneth Paltrow so likeable and funny? I mean, “My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster,” an Ani DiFranco joke, and asking Emma about her feelings for Will in front of sexy John Stamos. We’re trying to dislike Her GOOPiness over here, jerks. For the record, I’m just going to pretend that Gwyneth is not playing a character at all and she secretly works as a substitute teacher in Ohio to quiet some deep ache in her soul that isn’t being quelled by actressin’.

    Yikes. Don't quit your day jobs.
  • Will & Gwyneth sing Prince’s “Kiss” while dancing the tango and all I could think is “This is fucking blasphemy.” It was like watching retired couples on a cruise learning to tango, rejoicing in what they think is super sexy but is actually kind of horrifying. I mean, it’s sexy for them, I’m sure. But very few intentionally sexy moments on TV actually come off as sexy for the viewer. And the tango? REALLY? ANYWAY, they kiss “passionately” after their dance in front of the musicians. God, they act like those musicians aren’t even there. Who are those damn musicians, anyway? Are they teachers? Students? Homeless people? Ex-convicts in a work program? Illegal immigrants with hands too soft and beautiful for manual labor? If you don’t have money to get to competitions, fire those dudes and buy a fucking boombox already.
  • I need more information on Mike Chang’s abs. Get to work, Glee writers, it’s important.
Miscellany
  • LOL @ “Afternoon Delight.” Just everything about it. Apparently, Emma et. al didn’t watch Arrested Development (figures, thanks a lot).
  • While performing with The Warblers (LOL THAT NAME), Kurt was making these diva-scream faces and gesticulating like a bootleg Christina Aguilera. Gay Guy That Isn’t Kurt was making horrified faces mid-performance like “Y U SO gay Kurt?” Naturally, all of the girls that they perform for swoon over Not Kurt and Kurt is all hurt feelings all the time. (P.S. Added thing I learned: People have created the portmanteau “Klaine” and fangirl[/fangayboy] about it constantly. At least they were wise enough not to go with “Blurt,” though “Blurt” accurately conveys Kurt’s total sexlessness at this point.) Blaine goes to Burt’s dad to ask him to give Kurt his damn birds and bees talk already, resulting in a super awkward dad-son talk. Kurt’s dad says, “Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter”  and as a semi-reformed ho, I resent that.
  • What we all want to talk about is Brittany and Santana, right?
    Santana + Brittany 4eva

    I don’t blame you. I was honestly surprised that they addressed their relationship; I was convinced that it was going to be just some little Sapphic gag that the writers would continue to play up without ever dealing with it in a serious way. However, their relationship took a really charming and sweet turn last night. They consulted with Gwyneth about their sexual and romantic confusion and as a result, Santana dedicated a song to Brittany in the chorus room. And you know what? It was so fucking adorable, I was thisclose to feeling real feelings, guys. While Gwyneth sang “Landslide” with the two girls flanking her on their stools, Santana gazed at Brittany with meaning and you know what? It was romantic. Certainly more romantic than any other crap this show has ever attempted to package as romance. Later in the episode, Santana walked up to Brittany in the hallway wearing a laughably fierce hooker outfit—skin-tight pink zebra print mini-dress and a black leather jacket—only to give an earnest profession of love (and make an Indigo Girls crack—do high schoolers know who the Indigo Girls are? ‘Cuz I barely do and I’m 26). When Brittany turns her down as nicely as she can because she loves Artie, Santana ripped into my soul with her teenage words of wisdom: “Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck.” Damn, girl. Damn.