Welcome to my first ever recap! Some of you didn’t watch last season, and it’s possible that someone of you who did watch forgot everything, so we’re starting out with a few minutes of clips. Dance Moms centers around a studio run by a crazy beast of a woman who likes to yell at everyone.
This beast is Abbey Lee Miller and when she’s not yelling, she’s talking about her former students as if they haven’t disowned her for whatever conservatory program they got into after her Mommie Dearest style of teaching. Her students are highly talented dancers who have had every ounce of realism and musicality beaten out of them. Their moms are passive aggressive and bitchy, and their fathers are nowhere to be seen. But, that’s why this is called “Dance Moms.” So, let’s dive right in!
The first thing I notice is that Kathy and Vivi are still in the credits, which means this show hasn’t given up on them yet. We start out with Abbey’s Pyramid of Shame, in which she brow beats the kids who aren’t Maddie. Chloe’s mom, the blonde one, is pissed, because Chloe was the star of the previous season’s music video, and Chloe is really getting it from Abbey. I’m still not sure why she hasn’t left this shit and put her daughter in a real dance school, but I’m guessing she gets a decent amount of cash for doing this show. We find the girls are going to be doing a dance called “Sassy Dolls,” because we aren’t over sexualizing these kids enough already. What’s even better is that it’s going to have a sexy space cadet theme. I can’t wait.
We then take a trip to Crazyland, aka the Candy Apples Dance Center, home of Kathy and Vivi-anne. Kathy has big plans, as well as her own Abbey Lee Miller Pyramid of shame, only this is done with a power point presentation. Yeah, this is going to go well. We leave them to stew in Kathy’s indignation until later.
We return to the Dance Mom’s Passive Aggressive Lounge, where all the mothers are give “OMG” face while Abbey informs Nia’s mom, the Lawyer, that since she has to do things like work, and can’t be there to bitch and sew sequins, that she obviously doesn’t care for her daughter. 10 minutes in, and the moms are already screaming at Abbey. Well, Abbey turns the tables and says that they have a spot open the team, so she’s holding auditions to find the next fame whore! I mean dancer. I love how the one dancer who’s actually from the Abbey Lee studio is beveling her foot like she’s in a Chorus Line. Unfortunately, Bevel Girl doesn’t make the cut, which greatly pisses off her mother who calls Abbey out on it. Abbey explains that Bevel Girl was simply too tall and looked too old. I think that wouldn’t be a bad thing, and would maybe help Brooke not feel like a babysitter, but since I avoid the competition circuit, I obviously don’t know anything.
Abbey then busts out with the solo routines for the dancers. All of them are “musical theater style” which doesn’t mean a lot, since Abbey seems to only teach her kids variations on rhythmic gymnastics anyway. There is a great moment where Abbey says that Nia will be doing a piece inspired by “Once on This Island,” which, for those of you not in the know, is a musical based on Little Mermaid, and set on a Caribbean island where a poor black girl falls in love with a rich white boy. The clincher here is that Abbey makes a big to-do about the possibility of Nia’s Lawyer Mom having an issue with her daughter doing another “ethnic” piece, yet seems to never find another role for Nia other then The Black Girl.
Up in the Dance Mom’s Passive Aggressive Lounge, the moms are bitching about Kathy, again, and gossiping about the new mom, who happens to “surprise” them during their conversation. There is much tension in the air while everyone tries to out bitch the other one,
while all trying to be as polite as possible. Meanwhile, New Girl Kendel is learning a dance to the song “Bring on the Men” from the musical Jekyll and Hyde and sung by hooker. Appropriate choice for a 9 year old, who apparently is trying really hard to channel Kyle from RHOBH. As they finish, Abbey yells at everyone because they haven’t learned the choreography in two days. Brooke’s mom, the brunette of this aging Barbie group, starts to yell at Abbey, who yells back, and then they both degrade into that style of arguing where everyone’s really nice, but really loud and is clasping their hands in front of them like they’re holding a tampon and don’t want anyone to notice.
Suddenly, it’s snowing and the bus is packed and ready to go. Abbey, who has no idea what lawyers do, and thinks they actually have spare time, has issues with the fact that Lawyer Mom can’t come watch Nia do her Afro-Island-by way of Pittsburgh-White-People dance. The bus takes off. Jill, New Girl Kendel’s mom, has decided to bring a gift for Abbey and thinks it’d be a GREAT idea to bring it out while everyone’s trapped on the bus. I’m hoping it’s a Bump-It to match the one Jill’s wearing. Sadly, it turns out to be perfume. Shitty perfume, by the look on Abbey’s face.
We finally get to the competition! There’s another scene of Abbey brow beating Chloe and informing her that Chloe can’t let her new found fame get to her head. We FINALLY get to talk to Chloe, who’s growing into her teeth, and she’s kind of worrying if she needs to be concerned about this crazy woman’s obsession with making her squirm.
Maddie does her dance, and I realize something. You know how all these people are talking about that one little girl on America’s Got Talent with the “operatic” voice? Well, there’s been a BIG backlash in the performing arts community, and one thing that keeps popping up is that when you see a child prodigy perform, if you know what you’re looking for, you see much more imitation then you see artistry. That’s what I see when I watch these girls dance. There’s some amazing talent here, and dancing is an art form you do when you’re younger, but still, watching a 9 year old pretend to be an adult does still come across as play acting, no matter how talented they are. End rant.
Nia does her “ethnic” dance, which has more Cirque du Soleil acrobatics then it does dancing. She doesn’t do Shangela’s Death Drop from last season, though, and we’re all sad. New Girl Kendel does a really boring dance to a song that is NOT Bring on the Men, which she was practicing to, but some eurotrash pop number called Bring on the Boys. Cause this isn’t sexualized enough. Everyone’s bored. Nia gets fourth, and Chloe gets first, and then Maddie gets first something or other. I’m not sure, because the awards are just as complicated as the ones on Toddlers and Tiaras.
Backstage, Jill’s having second thoughts about coming to the Dance Academy that Drama Built. Abbey informs everyone that there’s no crying in dance, and is having second thoughts about taking on New Girl Kendel and her boring dancing. Blonde Mom is having second thoughts about not just ditching everyone and taking her daughter to a real dance studio, and Brooke is having second thoughts about not going to her school’s football game. We see a montage of the other competitors, and there’s one group that’s all dressed up as Supergirl, which is kind of cool. I think they should have won.
Sassy Girl, complete with femme-bot hair bow action, is exactly as you’d imagine it to be. Somehow, it gets first place. I wonder if the judges realized they were on national TV. Abbey, however, isn’t happy with first place, because everyone’s dancing was subpar and we all can’t just rest on our laurels. Brunette Mom brings up the fact that they’ve only had 3 days of rehearsal, and Abbey yells at her and informs everyone that there will be no cold mush until this dump shines like the top of the Chrysler building.
As the moms are leaving, Jill talks to Maddie’s mom, the bitchy one. They have a conversation about something, and Jill, in a completely obviously scripted moment, says that she thinks she can trust Bitchy Mom to be her friend. All that was missing was a big, slow, Lucille Bluth eye wink.
And there you have it folks! The season two premiere of Dance Moms! Stick with me for all the fun and excitement of the new season! Will Candy Apples be more than a joke? Will Chloe ever be on top of the pyramid? Will Brooke go on a date with her gay boyfriend again? All these will be answered and more.
