Welcome back to Dance Moms! Previously on shows us why we have all been wondering why we’re watching this season. Moving on to the Pyramid of Shame! Let’s round up the usual suspects.
On the bottom we have Kendel, despite her mom’s brown nosing, Nia, because she’s brown, Paige, because she’s related to Brooke, and Chips. In the middle, we have Maddie, something of a shock, until we hear Abbey’s speech about how Maddie can’t just keep resting on her laurels. You know, I don’t like the WAY Maddie dances; however, she puts up with A LOT from Abbey and the moms and seems surprisingly well adjusted. Go fig. Also on the second tier is Chloe, because she’s not Maddie. All that’s left is the top position. New Mom looks happy, and Not Kylie looks smug. Abbey tears away the paper to reveal . . . Brooke. Who comes through the door like an answer to all our prayers. The girls immediately rush over to Peyton and give her a big farewell hug.
This means it’s time for New Mom to fly off the handle again, though I really don’t blame her. Well, almost. Peyton is tall and starting to look more “Woman” then “Girl” if you know what I mean (hint: she’s developing breasts). Not Kylie gets her smug face on, as if she never takes it off, and proceeds to let us know it was because Peyton was SO FREAKISHLY TALL!! Everyone yells at each other, and Abbey tells us that she’s doing a cheerleading inspired routine called Avalanche.
Up at the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the gloves are off. Brunette Mom knows that Abbey is going to be tough on Brooke. Not Kylie is pleased that Kendel’s off probation, and is now speaking her mind, and wants her daughter to be special. Brunette Mom laughs this off, and Bitch Mom smirks in the corner, knowing she’s the front desk of the Abbey Lee Miller dance studio, and controls EVERYTHING.
Meanwhile, Brooke is rehearsing her solo, where she’s going to be an alien from another planet, who will open our eyes and lead us to the light. And Kanye. Chips has some party routine where she’s wearing a hat. Her rehearsal so impresses Abbey that Abbey starts crying and getting emotional, and turns on her “talking to a little kid/puppy” voice which is rather scary. This goes double when she tells Chips to stick her boobs out. In the group number, Paige has a not solo, and up in the DMPAL, Not Kylie senses someone besides her daughter being special. Brunette tells her to wait in line, since that’s what everyone else is doing. Bitch Mom takes a moment to bitch about everyone bitching. Not Kylie storms into rehearsal to ask Teenographer why Kendel isn’t special, too.
Momtini party time at Brunette’s house! Bitch Mom shows up and everyone starts giving each other the cootie shot, and go right into digging into her for being Abbey’s friend. Not Kylie takes Bitch Mom’s side. Bitch Mom gives us the most faked “oh please” since my last boyfriend. There’s a lot of talking of “privates” only it’s not as intriguing as you’d think. Later, Bitch Mom and Not Kylie go cheer themselves up at Pittsburgh most boring and drab strip center jewelry boutique.
Just before the competition, Not Kylie buys, and sets up, Abbey and Teenographer with massages, done by Project Runway Make-Up Bear’s sexy taller brother. We see more skin, from the wrong people at least, then we really need to. It’s not a husband, but it seems to work, as Not Kylie schmoozes with Abbey in the studio. Afterwards, Abbey reveals that she has no intention of doing anything with Kendel, but likes the free stuff.
The moms find out about this and there’s more yelling. I imaging this is ruining the calm atmosphere of the massage, and drowning out the David Arkenstone mix. Everyone’s pissed as we head to Starbound.
Long Island!! Starbound! The bus driver is getting on the turnpike, which means Abbey must tell him he, and his GPS, is wrong. Somehow, we all end up in Islip, despite our best intentions. At the East Islip High School, Not Kylie keeps parading Kendel in front of Abbey while Bitch Mom paints abs on Chips. There’s more yelling, while the girls spin around like charming little tops.
Solos! Backstage, we see Brooke getting ready, and while she’s waiting to go on, I see a girl in a halter top and a wedding veil walk past. No, really. It’s like the ghost of Britney Spears from the 2003 VMAs is haunting East Islip High. This does not bode well for Brooke, and she does a lackluster performance, and looks like a drum major, rather then an alien. Chips does her party routine and is dressed way too sexy, again. Chips wins first in her category, and Brooke wins third. Abbey storms into the dressing room to tell her that that’s really second place LOSER, before congratulating Chips. Abbey’s doing her cute thing again, and it’s really annoying.
Not Kylie and Bitch Mom fall over each other to brown-nose Abbey. There’s more yelling, and Teenographer herds the kids out. Good call. Abbey leaves, too, but not before telling everyone that she’s sick of the yelling. That’s her job.
Group number! They’re supposed to be cheerleaders, but it’s really a skimpy top, booty shorts and a bustle. Enough with the sexy. These kids are 8. I get it that you have to have something to move in, so I’m not concerned that the costumes are tight, but there’s just too much skin, combined with way too much butt-slapping, sexy walk, halter top stuff. Enough. No, really. We end with the Robot, because, why not?
During the awards section, we find that there was a dance called “Carwash.” I’m sure the visual in my head is better then the actual performance. Abbey’s group gets one of the highest scores ever, but that’s only good for second place. Which is first place loser. Abbey tells everyone that the heart and soul of dancing is in Long Island, and they all should have brought their A games. She sort of mentions how these kids have been practicing for months, while her girls have about a week, but can’t do the math there. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s a dancer or not. After her ranting, she kicks the kids out, locks the door and hands out weapons. She restates her personal motto that she was NOT put on this earth to make anyone’s kid feel special (unless you’re Maddie). Not Kylie’s now in the hot seat, and wants credit for existing, which pleases the other moms to no extent. She also complains that she doesn’t feel like a part of the team, which, unfortunately, no one points out that it’s hard to accept her as part of the team when she keeps trying to one up everyone. We end with everyone glaring at each other.
Next time! There’s explosions! And Not Kylie yells at everyone some more! Maddie goes down with the ship of dance that sails into some random high school gym!! I’m actually looking forward to it, and won’t have to mix my pills and liquor next time!
