Cletar

94 posts
I think I would like a bowl of that plomeek soup, thank you.

Welcome to Tampa: The GOP Convention Begins!

In a grimy rail yard outside Ybor City, a shoeless former senator hops off a freight car with practiced ease and makes his way through abandoned cigar factories to the grimy Interstate 4 overpass. “Screw you, Mitt Romney,” he mutters over and over again. “Screw you in the face.” It is his mantra now. At the bottle-strewn, urine soaked overpass,  he is greeted by an honor guard of Florida hobos in soiled SANTORUM 2016 t-shirts who  escort him to the hobo camp behind the convention center, where he is speaking on Tuesday night. Continue reading →

Mitt Romney Picks Running Mate and Nation Weeps, Laughs

High in his mountain fastness of Castle Romney, hewn from the very living rock of the Utah Alps, Willard Jackasticus Mittonium Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men, must make a decision. It was time to buy a new jillion-dollar dancing horse pick a running mate for the increasingly bizarre performance art piece that is Romney 2012, LLC. Continue reading →

Santorum Endorses Romney in Drunken Late-Night Text Message

Presidential campaigns, like syphilis, proceed in stages. You have the primaries, where a variety of dysfunctional clowns jostle with each other for the fickle favor of Iowa’s pig-men and New Hampshire’s maple miners, and march from state to state in a colorful pander-circus. Eventually, though, candidates start dropping out in various degrees of misery and humiliation, and one of the candidates rounds up enough pig-men and hill-folk and rodeo-clowns to secure the nomination. Then, you enter the next stage, where the ex-candidates, fetid in loser-stink, endorse the presumptive nominee with various degrees of faux-enthusiasm. Often, this involves some sort of half-assed speech in a hotel ball room, and some awkward hand-shaking between the endorsing loser and the smarmy winner. This is where we are now, with listless also-rans glumly pretending to rally around America’s least-beloved millionaire man-bot. Dick Santorum dropped out last month, and this past week he completed the failure-ritual by endorsing his former rival. Continue reading →

America’s Love Affair with Rick Santorum Comes to an End

On Tuesday, at a rail yard hobo-camp near Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, not far from where old Zebulon Romney sold loads of defective beans to Union Army quarter-masters during the Civil War, news spread like cholera or wildfire or some other fast-spreading thing that Richard “Shoeless Dick” Santorum, the hobo senator, was ending his presidential campaign. The senator, wearing his trademark overalls and clutching a Big Gulp cup full of gin and Sprite, spoke before a small crowd of hobos, tramps, pimps, train-whores, steampunks, and blood plasma merchants. Tears and gin streaked his grimy face. Continue reading →

The Grand Forks Herald’s Column Eat Beat is the Greatest Writing on the Internet

For a while, I thought John Updike and Kurt Vonnegut were America’s greatest living writers. One of the best classes I ever took in college was a Sociology of Kurt Vonnegut class. We read a bunch of sociology texts and a bunch of Vonnegut.  If you really wanted to understand mid- to late-twentieth-century American culture, you needed to read some Updike and Vonnegut. Sadly, Updike and Vonnegut are gone now. So, who is America’s greatest living writer, now? Marilyn Hagerty. She writes for the Grand Forks Herald, the local newspaper in Grand Forks, North Dakota. Her restaurant column, Eat Beat, is perhaps the greatest writing on the internet. Continue reading →

Maine has spoken! Only 41 States to Go

Maine has spoken! Across the lobster-ravaged wastes of frozen Maine, residents donned their colorful voting costumes and emerged from their moose-fur yurts to vote in the Republican caucus. Unlikeable Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10K” Romney eked out a narrow win over accursed 3000-year-old gold-wraith Ron Paul for the fickle loyalty of the crustacean-worshipping Maineacs. Hobo-busker “Shoeless Dick” Santorum, fresh off his triple victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado, came in third. Grumpy and irrelevant space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich came in fourth. Continue reading →

The 2012 Campaign Reimagined as a Series of Terrible Movie Posters


This campaign season is ridiculous. If it was a movie you would be annoyed at how many times Gingrich and Santorum keep showing up even after their story-lines are exhausted, and how crappy Romney’s dialogue is. No actor could utter “Corporations are people, my friend” and not sound like an idiot. Well, Bruce Campbell maybe. And look at Ron Paul. Why is he even still here? On the other hand, there are some entertaining moments. If you pretend its 1980, and you are watching a science fiction movie about 2012, it’s kind of cool. Everybody has phones without wires! Candidates argue about moon colonies! Lando Calrissian is president! Let’s look at some ridiculous pictures! Continue reading →

Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado Have Spoken! Only 42 More Primaries to Go

Santorum and campaign advisor J.P. "Stinky Pete" Johnson claim victory in Colorado.

Colorado has spoken! Oh, and so has Minnesota. Missouri also had a thing, but it’s meaningless yet important. A threefer! So, the Republican race so far — sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum won the near-worthless support of the foul pig-men of Iowa, Massachusetts fancy-lad man-bot Willard “10k” Romney won over the skeptical maple-miners of New Hampshire, loathsome space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich bamboozled the bog-people and shrimp-herders of South Carolina, and the Massachusetts man-bot broke the tie by winning over the addled elders, ex-pat New Yorkers, and suspicious mer-people of Florida. Continue reading →

Nevada Has Spoken! Romney Wins, Only 45 More Primaries To Go

Newt Gingrich campaigns in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Nevada has spoken! The mutant uranium-miners, opium whores, neon salesman and moisture farmers of The Radioactive State chose Willard “10k” Romney over space-beast Newt Gingrich, bedraggled has-been Dick Santorum, and undead specter Ron Paul.

Fresh from a smack-down by Romney’s magnificent wallet in the Florida GOP primary, the candidates made their way to Nevada, the seedy, alternate-universe Utah that was the site of the next ridiculous clown rodeo caucus. Here, on the uranium-poisoned sands once trod by Mo Green and Fredo Corleone, the candidates hoped to, well, not get smacked by Romney’s wallet again. This was really a vain hope, since Romney’s wallet, like the buffet at Stinky Pete’s Bordello and Casino, is bottomless. Romney ended up clubbing them all over the head and left them bleeding in the sand like extras in “Spartacus.” Continue reading →