OK, movie buffs film geeks, we know you read Cahiers Du Cinema every week and masturbate to Akira Kurosawa retrospectives. So let’s talk auteurs…
Who’s your favorite movie director?
So don’t give us a laundry list. Let’s hear the one director whose movies you’d want to have on a dessertdesert deserted island.
Since I’m a child of the 90s and still fondly remember going to see Pulp Fiction at the movie theater there on Rt. 30 in Wayne, I’m going with Tarantino. I still consider “ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT? to be right up there with the greatest all-time movie lines.
Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel
Directed by: David Gordon Green
Written by: Danny McBride, Ben Best
What do you get when you mix some of the sensibilities of The Princess Bride, creatures that could belong in 80’s Jim Henson fantasy films, a dash of Pineapple Express stoner action and the humor of Eastbound & Down? That may be a rhetorical question because the answer is obvious; you get Your Highness.
The film has a pretty basic premise. When noble Prince Fabius (Franco) has his bride to be, Belladonna (Deschanel), kidnapped by the evil wizard Leezar (Justin Theroux) he sets out on a quest to rescue her accompanied by his lazy stoner brother Thadeous (McBride) and his brother’s manservant Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker). Along the way they encounter the fierce warrior maiden Isabel(Portman) who has a score to settle with Leezar herself.
I was sold on this concept from the very first moment I heard about it. Medieval fantasy? Check. Absurd premise? Check. Actors I enjoy? Check. Animatronic creatures? Check. Great director whose already proven himself with “stoner” films? Check. It seemed to me like it had so much potential. And Danny (Kenny Fuckin’ Powers) McBride not only stars in it but co wrote the feature as well. It brought to mind some of my favorite childhood films like Krull, Dragonslayer and Ladyhawke but with fouler language. I thought this is a sure thing.
However, it kind of misses the mark. It’s not as though the film isn’t funny, in fact it has a number of lines, scenes and sequences that I find downright hilarious. But I can’t help but feel it’s a bit restrained in spite of the R rating.
Which is rather unfortunate. First of all, I thought Franco and McBride were great. They were able to play off each other in a way that was effective without being overly cheesy (though this film did require a degree of cheesiness). Franco with his unwavering determination and charm and McBride with his crass humor and vulgarities in full swing.
Justin Theroux in my mind kind of stole every scene he was in. Leezar is a ridiculous character and Theroux brings a lot to the table with the scenes he does have. He also has some of the better lines in the film all told in my mind.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Rasmus Hardiker as Courtney. I had never seen him in anything before but I felt he had pretty excellent comic timing and added a lot to the film.
Writing women does not seem to be McBride and writing partner Ben Best’s strong suite however. Natalie Portman looked great (she always does) but her character was pretty one sided. She did have a few ridiculous lines delivered in the exact same tone as everything else she said. That was probably intended to help the humor, but to me it distracted from it. As for Zooey Deschanel she’s hardly in the movie at all and serves more as a plot device than a real character.
This is a very different style of film for director David Gordon Green. Sure he covered stoner territory in Pineapple Express, but this was a big budget medieval fantasy stoner film. I honestly don’t think the issue was his direction. And might I add that the cinematography was excellent (they shot in Northern Ireland, what a beautiful country).
I think what it comes down to is that they didn’t or perhaps couldn’t utilize fully what they had. There were hardly any stoner related jokes or gags and one would expect that to be prevalent. Although it was quite funny in parts it always felt like there was just a little something missing. Which is really too bad because I wanted to love this movie and just ended up liking it. I give it 3 and a half beers.
Well hello my little troublemakers. Hope you are having a great day. Here is this week’s scary movie. It’s called Attack of the Giant Leeches,and its subject matter is pretty self-explanatory. Hope you enjoy it.
Now let’s all try to keep our clothes on out there.
Kick-ass kids, large child wankers, stoner brothers, and lots of indie flotsam and jetsam. It’s enough to make you think going to the movies isn’t really teaching us anything. But that would be wrong. We learn so much from film. Like shooting an arrow, what Keanu thinks about when he’s un-Matrixed, and the curious case of Russell Brand — a riddle for the ages.
This week’s movies are teaching our body-doubles Kung-Fu. Whoa.
A teenage girl goes out into the world for the first time – and has to battle for her life. Director Joe Wright weaves elements of dark fairy tales into the adventure thriller Hanna, filmed on location in Europe and Morocco. Hanna (played by Academy Award nominee Saoirse Ronan of Atonement, also directed by Joe Wright) is 16 years old. She is bright, inquisitive, and a devoted daughter. Uniquely, she has the strength, the stamina, and the smarts of a soldier.
What you can expect: A high octane action thriller centered around a gifted teen. Saoirse Ronan is the newest up in comer in a long line of spectacular girl actors, the studious detail of their roles often belying their ages. Should be like one part X-men, another part Kill Bill. With each new film like this that puts not only the athleticism of girls on display, but also celebrates their smarts, it’s one step more in furthering the genre of child female actors in a long line of sweet and sassy, just like her predecessors Shirley Temple, Tatum O’Neil, Jodie Foster, Winona Ryder, Dakota Fanning, and Abigail Breslin. There is a kick-ass girl for every generation. We assume that it’s in direct conflict to the way girls are often portrayed elsewhere as dainty waifs who only care about dresses, tea parties, and puppies. I have a feeling if you put the latter two girls mentioned, combine them with Ronan, Chloe Moretz, and Dakota’s little sister, Elle, — Sucker Punch could have been a totally different movie.
What could annoy: Eric Bana. I’ve decided that Eric Bana is a poor man’s Christian Bale or James Caviezel. There is nothing remotely interesting about him in my opinion outside of the tall, dark, and handsome thing he has going on. Yes, yes, I understand that Munich is a great film, but still I just think Bana is a bit meh. And if you’re going to throw Munich up, I’ll counter with Troy. See? Yeah. He’s got to do something to step outside of the brooding guy box and turn the tide. Also, Cate Blanchett. The dopey red wig, and the frowny schoolmarm thing, it looks slightly reminiscent of her portrayal in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Crapwagon. She has the ability to become a villainous caricature if she’s not careful.
Arthur:
Apparently Arthur’s reviews need a little rehab too.
Russell Brand reinvents the role of loveable billionaire Arthur Bach, an irresponsible charmer who has always relied on two things to get by: his limitless fortune and the good sense of his lifelong nanny and best friend Hobson (Helen Mirren), to keep him out of trouble. Kind-hearted, fun-loving, and utterly without purpose, Arthur spends every day in the heedless pursuit of amusement. But when his unpredictable public image threatens the staid reputation of the family foundation, Bach Worldwide, he is given an ultimatum.
What you can expect: Well, sheesh. The inexplicable appeal and skyrocketing career nuggets of Russell Brand. He’s really like a disease is he not? A full on spreading bit of Syphilis ready to take your mind if you let him. It seems like just yesterday he was gyrating his belt buckle in all of our faces in that little movie about Veronica Mars dumping Jason Segel’s muppets. Now, yes, he’s fooking everywhere. Where will the American fascination end with the adoration of the British accent? There really is no other reason for his sudden rise and appearance on every media medium invented in the last hundred years. It simply cannot be his charm, or wacky hair stubble, or infantile spaghetti body, is it? Well, certainly movie studios — I’m guessing the same ones that allow Ashton Kutcher to keep making film talkies, are impressed just enough to put this ungainly cold sore into Dudley Moore’s shoes. Because obviously the iconic Dudley Moore can be replaced by this veritable zenith of modern comedy.
What could annoy: Read the above. And also Jennifer Garner who appears perpetually lost on film, and the bastardization of Helen Mirren’s rack in this travesty. Queen Mirren we wonder if you understood the script.
Your Highness:
Natalie Portman’s body double is laughing at these reviews as are we.
Danny McBride and James Franco team up for an epic comedy adventure set in a fantastical world. As two princes on a daring mission to save their land, they must rescue the heir apparent’s fiancée before their kingdom is destroyed.
What you can expect: Oh, ho! This has just gotta be the anti-Black Swan, right? This is probably the “Oh, crap, can I get the Oscar before that movie is released” movie. Makes sense to me. This looks like Pineapple Express starring Danny McBride and James Franco dressed up as Cheech and Chong’s the Corsican Brothers. Sensational. James Franco can pull this off because he’s basically an acting basket case and anything he does will be launched into “Oh, that Franco.” land. And Danny McBride, most of us don’t get his comedy anyway, so why not? Natalie Portman, though. Uh, yeah, You so didn’t need this right at the time people are questioning your Oscar win. There’s nothing better than scandal AND THEN silly, weird, stoner movie with a basket case and some crass, middle-management funny guy wearing tights and making jokes while hiding in a bush. Priceless.
What could annoy: Everything, but mostly if you’re standing in the way during the critics stampede to say how absolutely crud-filled this movie is. Here’s a sample from The Hollywood Reporter: “Falls instead into a deep chasm of such comic lowness after less than five minutes that it’s unable to extricate itself. Things get so bad you half expect a cameo by Nicolas Cage.” Gunshot.
Soul Surfer:
Well, unfortunately the reviews are pretty lost at sea.
“Soul Surfer” is the inspiring true story of teen surfer Bethany Hamilton, who lost her arm in a shark attack and courageously overcame all odds to become a champion again, through her sheer determination and unwavering faith. In the wake of this life-changing event that took her arm and nearly her life, Bethany’s feisty determination and steadfast beliefs spur her toward an adventurous comeback that gives her the grit to turn her loss into a gift for others.
What you can expect: Touching, get up and go movie about perseverance, overcoming the odds, and doing what most of us in this world can’t — surf without an arm after losing said arm to a shark. No, not in a small accident, but a frigging shark. That, right there, puts this into a whole new level of kick-ass girl movie, or it should. It looks however like it’s long on cool visuals and short on actual story. Bummer. It seems like a great story to tell too, albeit with religious undertones, and simplistic mush. The girl at the center of the story should be proud nonetheless of her accomplishments. There’s a rare sighting of Helen Hunt in this thing, which is like saying 1998 has happened again — but good for her, for putting on the old acting shoes and giving it another go. Dennis Quaid, well, I’ll never have anything bad to say about you, buddy. You were in Innerspace.
What could annoy: Too much cheese, and After School Special appeal. While Bethany Hamilton is portrayed ably by Annasophia Robb, that’s not enough to carry the movie.
Working the night shift as a toll collector on a lonely stretch of highway in Buffalo, New York, Henry (KEANU REEVES) is a man seemingly without ambition, dreams or purpose; a man sleepwalking his way through life. He gets his wakeup call early one morning when he becomes an unwitting participant in an ill-conceived bank heist. Rather than give up the names of the real culprits, Henry takes the fall and goes to jail. There, he meets the irrepressible Max (JAMES CAAN), a con man who’s grown far too comfortable with the familiarity and security of his ‘idyllic’ life behind bars.
The short and sweet: Redundant crime caper helmed by the typical Reeves stone-faced one note is not able to be saved by the likes of talented Vera Farmiga, and the once prolific, but now kind of leery and comic, James Caan.
Sam Davis (Michael Angarano) convinces his former best friend to spend a weekend with him to rekindle their friendship at an elegant beachside estate owned by a famous documentary filmmaker (Lee Pace). But it soon becomes clear that Sam is secretly infatuated with the filmmaker’s fiancée, Zoe (Uma Thurman), and that his true intention is to thwart their impending nuptials.
The short and sweet: Uma Thurman continues on her ride to becoming the Darryl Hanah of the double digit millennium in this romantic comedy trifle. Reminiscent of Isabella Rossellini
and Ted Danson’s Cousins in its ambition, but the delivery falls short and remains in the mediocre realm.
In this irreverent comedy, awkward teenager Tobe (Dustin Ingram) sets off on a road trip to meet Monica Velour (Kim Cattrall), his favorite ’80s porn star, at a rare live appearance hundreds of miles away. Instead of the glamorous sexpot portrayed on film, he finds a 49-year-old single mom living in a trailer in rural Indiana, performing at seedy strip clubs to make ends meet.
The short and sweet: Uh, yeah. Coming of age film that mostly shows a bit of misdirection on the part of Kim Cattrall’s agent. Samantha needs to grow up and discover more to the world outside her, erm, lady charms.
Indie Picks:
Born To Be Wild
Well, we love stories about orangutans and elephants and the critics agree.
“”Born to be Wild 3D” is an inspired story of love, dedication and the remarkable bond between humans and animals. This film documents orphaned orangutans and elephants and the extraordinary people who rescue and raise them-saving endangered species one life at a time. Stunningly captured in IMAX 3D, “Born to be Wild 3D” is a heartwarming adventure transporting moviegoers into the lush rainforests of Borneo with world-renowned primatologist Dr. Birute Galdikas, and across the rugged Kenyan savannah with celebrated elephant authority Dame Daphne Sheldrick, as they and their teams rescue, rehabilitate and return these incredible animals back to the wild.
The short and sweet: Saving orphaned orangutans and elephants! Well, that’s probably the recipe for tears, joy, laughter, and excitement. Narrated by Morgan Freeman and shot for IMAX 3D, so naturally it will have gravitas and epic imagery. We’re thinking this is a good one for the kids. And um, there’s a cute monkey baby in the opening scene of the trailer….so, yeah, so hooked already.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv2Af-H7ZnI
Meek’s Cutoff:
It’s really the pioneer stuff that gets the great reviews, right?
The year is 1845, the earliest days of the Oregon Trail, and a wagon train of three families has hired mountain man Stephen Meek to guide them over the Cascade Mountains. Claiming to know a shortcut, Meek leads the group on an unmarked path across the high plain desert, only to become lost in the dry rock and sage. Over the coming days, the emigrants face the scourges of hunger, thirst and their own lack of faith in one another’s instincts for survival.
The short and sweet: Remember everything we leaned about the harrowing experience of the Oregon Trail? Well, here it is set to life, and done really well by the talented Michelle Williams. Not for the feint of heart or the typical Adam Sandler connoisseur. This is a diet of steady hardship and near death experiences. The middle school version came complete with fries in the cafeteria. This doesn’t.
Movies are about to get excellent again, a wrong zig-zag can leave you toe tagged and body bagged, Madea does good, the Arnold gets animated, and Captain Kirk spaces out.
This week’s movies are out of time.
A Journey into Excellence: Talk about getting back to your roots. As we speak Keanu Reeves is waiting anxiously for the script for the third installment of Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I can’t imagine greater news. How will a new Bill and Ted movie contain all of the dynamic facial expressions Keanu Reeves has perfected over the last twenty years? They must have a plan. I assume it involves Plaster of Paris and Sandra Bullock holding his eyebrows in place. But just how will they update the whole traveling via telephone booth thing? It’s not like they can change that phone booth into say a policeman’s box, and then move the whole shebang across the pond to London, and maybe add a zany guy who’s maybe a doctor but probably is just really an actor wearing a bowtie? Can they do this? Can Keanu affect a respectable British accent? What? Bram Stoker’s Dracula? What about it? Oh, okay. Nevermind.
Lighting Up Our Lives Forever: Since it’s either pirate ships or living in a tin can in the mouth of a whale, Disney just will not rest until we incorporate some faction of their world into our daily lives. They’re pinning their next round of hopes on Tron: Sequel to An Ill-Conceived Sequel! Are you excited? I am. Because what’s not to be excited about neon glowsticks affixed to futuristic matchbox motorcycles? We need these things in our lives, right? Nothing is better than life and death Geometry. Perpendicular and isosceles — all these things from 9th grade! Never thought we’d use it again. Well, we’re not really using it now, we were mostly supposed to just look at Garrett Hudlund’s hair and aquamarine eyeballs, but really it was about watching grizzle-bear Jeff Bridges’ disembodied young face-flesh attached onto some actor’s body who had to tell people, “Hey, look guys, that’s me.” “Where, Josh?” “Right there…with Jeff Bridges’ head on my body.” Surely his proudest acting moment since the Right Guard commercial aired in Turkey.
Today in Wigs and Dresses: Tyler Perry has plans for his latest movie. Tyler Perry will produce, star, and direct the new movie, Tyler Perry’s Perry’s Tyler. Well, no that’s not it. It will be called Good Deeds, because we assume if you’re going to a Tyler Perry film you are indeed doing a good deed…for his checkbook. No, that’s not right. It’s a good deed….for his popularity. Wait, no! No! It’s a good deed…for his continued ability to make movies. Oh, no. I don’t know what exactly the purpose is for this. I think the movie has something to do with romance and Tyler Perry. There’s been no news of a female lead, so I assume the movie will entail Tyler Perry staring in a mirror counting his money and threatening to beat someone with a shoe.
Yes, we know. He’ll be back: Arnold Schwarzenegger has missed you guys. He’s been planning on a way to entertain his masses of fans, and anyone not affected by a skyrocketed California budget, for the last few months. In his off time he’s put his ear to the ground, sent out notices by carrier pigeon, light speed, and pony express for the best movie scripts available, and in walked the Governator. Started as a comic book, the ex-ruler of Cali-for-nia firmly believes that he can turn this comic about a powerful robot, or a hair plug recipient, or a bag of saggy muscles into an actual theatrical film that we the viewing public would pay money for in some universe that exists outside of 1987. Yes, he believes this will happen. We shouldn’t encourage it. There’s so much he wants to do with this Governator character. He’s talking video games, a television series, a cartoon — that’s just so much Arnold. Just so, so, much. We’ll need smaller doses. I’m thinking his picture on a Speedo box or a guest appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show doing spoken word with Brian Williams.
Going Back to Where Man Has Been Before: So we kind of liked that little Star Trek reboot a couple years ago, right? Chris Pine did his hunky best at being the pause-afflicted Captain Kirk, Zachary Quinto all but nailed being Spock, and Zoe Saldana mostly ran around in a short skirt until they made her a large blue donkey in a world run by James Cameron dragons. We enjoyed this, yes? Seems like it took a long time for the studio to decide that another Star Trek movie, alongside the dozen already in existence, was needed in the world. Honestly, I’m not sure how much more space there’s left to explore. If I had to guess, I’d think the Star Trek people were just puttering around the cosmos like janitors hoping to sweep up a discarded space-sandwich and make a new tale out of bologna and sauerkraut. Despite a largely successful debut, some fans were disappointed with what the reboot brought to the table. Mostly it sounds like a lot of Spock envy.
Casting News
Mark Whalberg, of the Funky Bunch Wahlbergs, will get his laugh track in shape for the comedy, Bait and Switch
Ben Affleck, the Daredeviling townie, is in talks to play Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby
Sean Hayes, Will and Grace star of Just Jack, will take on the role of Larry in the Three Stooges
Rob Van Winkle, the hammer-loving Vanilla Ice contractor, has scored a supporting role in Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg’s, I Hate You Dad
Lily Collins, the daughter of Sussudio creator Phil Collins, has been cast as Snow White
Hugh Jackman, advisor to all Wolverine mutton chops, may join Snow White and the Huntsman
Chloe Moretz has been let in to play Carolyn in Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows
Keanu Reeves, the speedy lake house owner, will make his directorial debut with Man of Tai Chi
Bret McKenzie, the flying conchord, will join Peter Jackson’s, The Hobbit
Leonard Nimoy, forever Spock, despite our internal despair, will join Michael Bay’s Transformers: Dark of the Moon as the voice of Sentinel Prime
Will and Jaden Smith will be underwhelming and atrocious in an Untitled M. Night Shyamalan thing of unwatchableness
Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth, the whitest guys you know, will play Peeta and Gale in the Hunger Games
Woody Allen, resident of Manhattan, will play himself in Paris Manhattan
Fortunately movies are optional. They’re not a law or anything. It’s not like Schwarzenegger could force you to look at him. He’s mostly silicone and fiberglass. I don’t know that for sure. Cyberdyne doesn’t return my calls.
Ah, the Three Stooges. Countless hours of my formative years were spent watching their short films, usually on high-numbered UHF stations that mostly aired re-runs of “Get Smart,” “The Beverly Hillbillies,” “Petticoat Junction,” “That Girl,” “Green Acres” and “The Flying Nun.”
Did you know that a “Three Stooges” movie has been in pre-production since 1998? This is something I learned today, courtesy of Deadline.com. The film, which is scheduled to begin production this month, has announced that Sean Hayes is signed to play the role of Larry Fine, and Will Sasso will lend his complex multi-talents to the role of Curly.
The question remains — who will give life to the surly, menacing mug of Moe Howard? Rumors have been swirling around this project for longer than the entire span of Miley Cyrus’s career. Will it be noted Stooges fanatic Mel Gibson? Not a bad choice and someone we wouldn’t mind seeing on the receiving end of some physical abuse. Not a bad choice at all.
Will the next “face of Moe” be Sean Penn? He was originally slated to play Larry Fine, which does not make sense, because he’s got a mug that only a mother could love, and a bowl cut wig would go a long way towards making us believe that Moe had come back to life.
Interesting to note is that many actors have been attached to this project over the last decade — Benicio del Toro, Jim Carrey, Johnny Knoxville, Andy Samberg, an Australian actor called Shane Jacobson. Johnny Depp and Paul Giamatti have been attached to this movie as well, but later dropped out of the project.
Mel Brooks attempted to write and produce a Three Stooges movie in the 70’s, but said his effort fell short because there was no way he could sustain the action for 90 minutes. The film would have starred Mel Brooks as Moe, Dom DeLuise as Curly, and Marty Feldman as Larry. When the writing just wasn’t working, Mel turned the project turned into the unique “Silent Movie.”
Apparently the Farrelly brothers have solved Mel’s conundrum — they decided to divide the movie into three 27-minute segments which complete one story arc. This should give the audience a breather in between all the action, so when Mel Gibson gets crowned (please, please, let him get crowned) for the umpteenth time, we’re still cheering for more.
Also of note — this is not a biography of our beloved Stooges. This is a newly written story of the Stooges’ antics. Should be interesting to see if it is set in modern times or in the 1920’s or 1930’s.
Well, good for hopping bunnies! You would think the Crasstalk community had something to do with the success of a movie about one of our favorite animals, but a las no, it was all that scraggly-haired simpleton and his gyrating pants, mostly. Bummer. We’re not rewarded for anything, unless you also saw Gyllenhaal get all leapish this weekend, or something about possessed kids in houses of doom, and then, well, all you probably got was a ticket stub and something stuck to your shoe.
Well good evening gang. Hope you have had a wonderful day. A quick reminder that there will be a writer’s workshop around 5 PM EST tomorrow night. Hopefully we can come up with some great stuff for the next month.
Tonight’s movie is 1965’s Bloody Pit of Horror. It involves a creepy castle, models, and a mysterious figure known as The Crimson Executioner. It’s badness is simply elegant. Hope you enjoy it.
I hope they explain where the people go for eight minutes while Gyllenhaal is in their bodies mucking around with doomed trains and such. If I had my choice it would be eight minutes in Antigua sipping on a fruity alcoholic beverage while eying a bacon cheeseburger. But that’s just me. I imagine the people in this movie are sent to some sort of government holding area. Not fun, and probably not nearly enough bacon. Pity, that.
This weekend’s movies have plans for your afterlife.
When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he’s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he’s ever known, he learns he’s part of a government experiment called the “Source Code,” a program that enables him to cross over into another man’s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life.
What you can expect: Doctor Sam Beckett is forced into a time traveling accelerator prematurely and vanishes. He then finds himself in someone else’s body with partial amnesia. His only contact from home is Al, a holographic image only he can see and hear. Setting right things which once went wrong, Sam leaps from life to life, hoping each time that this is the final leap home. Scott Bakula then becomes Captain Jon Archer of the Star Trek: Enterprise. The end. No, not really. This will probably be a decent science-fiction offering. It may even be a compelling “edge of the seater” since they’re working with time and just minutes to make some paradoxical changes. And no kidding…Scott Bakula really is a part of this movie. He voices the part of Captain Colter’s father. Coincidence? I think not.
What could annoy: The fact that it’s a 21st century Quantum Leap? Perhaps, but not likely. Those who follow the meanderings of Jake Gylenhaal have no real idea of this show. They’ll tune in to watch him make googly eyes at Michelle Monaghan and try to save the world from terrorism or some other thinly-veiled government threatening baddies. Throw in a train and you’ve got the number one transportation-related horrorshow that’s cropped up in movies for the last year or so. Are trains really this sinister? I think we should go back to horse drawn carriages. No one ever got bombed in a carriage, well, unless you’re counting what happens if you’re downwind.
Hop
Get the Cadbury Crème Eggs ready. The reviews of Hop need the chocolate.
The battle for Easter is on! In HOP, Despicable Me’s Russell Brand voices E.B., the teenage son of the Easter Bunny. On the eve of taking over the family business, E.B. leaves for Hollywood in pursuit of his dream of becoming a drummer. Once there, he encounters Fred (James Marsden of the X-Men series, Enchanted), an unemployed slacker with his own lofty goals.
What you can expect: Complete amazement that it’s taken Hollywood this long to discover a kids movie about the Easter bunny. Normally you’d think perhaps they’d stay away since well, the whole Jesus thing, but apparently it’s okay because with Jesus you get bunnies and eggs! We have no indication that bunnies and eggs are tied to religion but we’ll maybe watch a whole movie devoted to the existence of a fanciful bunny and his divine offspring. That’s just a mind-blower, right? The Jesus bunny has a son. It’s a miracle. This also explains how the bunny mammal can lay eggs every year. Miracles, you see. After you absorb all of that, it’s a cute little movie, short on story and overwhelming charm, but long on colorful confections, James Marsden, and Russell Brand. I’m thinking you’re getting what you pay for.
What could annoy: Have you ever heard Russell Brand? Okay, then.
Insidious
Bedeviled kid manages to creep out the critics. Linda Blair felt a chill in the air.
Josh and Renai have a happy family with their three young children. When tragedy strikes their young son, Josh and Renai begin to experience things that science cannot explain.
What you can expect: Old school haunts and taunts. Gratuitous use of shocks and suspense instead of now run-of-the-mill gory torture porn. Shocking that this throw-back thrill ride came from the people who made the Saw movies. In addition, the folks behind the popular Paranormal Activity movies have lent this newest offering their “less is more” sentiments. Good pacing and thrilling sound effects round out the film. It’s said to be one of the better horror movies in the last few years. I’m a tough critic so it remains to be seen if it passes my test…which is making me scream at the film and tell the people up on the screen emphatically “Not to open that fucking door, you idiot!” or thereabouts.
What could annoy: Getting to the theater and everyone comes out saying, “Oh my God. I was so scared. I was crying. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” and you get in there and after the first few predictable scares of the “ Oh, no, not an open window and in jumps the cat” variety, you’re wondering if you paid your cell phone bill this month and that you really should have gotten Twizzlers because Snowcaps just really aren’t as fun.
Indie Picks of the Week
Trust
The reviews are still a bit middle of the road for this one, but steadily climbing.
When Annie, a 14-year old girl is seduced by a 41 year-old internet predator she knows only as “Charlie” it tears apart her family. While her father becomes obsessed with revenge fantasies, Annie enters therapy, where she refuses to admit she’s been victimized.
What you can expect: A newer take on a well-traveled road. The story is still relevant since our collective interconnectedness has increased with the advent of social networking sites, but the genre may be a bit overworked as of late. This is David Schwimmer’s of Friends fame sophomore directing effort. Clive Owen has been fairly quiet in the last couple of years, and it’s interesting seeing him play the family man as opposed to the sexy lead. This may mark the evolution of his career, or potentially the continued stalling if the movie doesn’t capture an audience in the same way some of his earlier indie efforts were able to achieve.
What could annoy: The well-treaded cyber stalker trope. We’ve seen this done before and done differently and probably better by other actors. Ellen Page in Hard Candy comes to mind. Every once in a while we get these teen girls as victims movies, and it’s possible we as the audience are less impressed with this story than Hollywood would like to admit. If you’re a fan of Law & Order: SVU this may not be altogether new territory.
When sad-sack loser Frank (Rainn Wilson) sees his ex-addict wife (Liv Tyler) willingly snatched by a seductive drug dealer (Kevin Bacon), he finds himself bereft and wholly unable to cope. But soon he decides to fight back under the guise of a DIY superhero called Crimson Bolt. With a hand-made suit, a wrench, and a crazed sidekick named Boltie (Ellen Page), the Crimson Bolt beats his way through the mean streets of crime in hopes of saving his wife.
What you can expect: Rainn Wilson taking on the sad schlubby role! Well, we always knew he had it in him. And his character on The Office is practically some sort of idiot savant superhero as it is, so this is an easy transformation. It’s nice to see Liv Tyler in something again. She was sort of an indie darling, something about her just not lending itself to many mainstream movies, other than the occasional elf, or Ben Affleck love interest, and I’m happy to see her still in this genre. Ellen Page another indie maven makes an appearance here apparently picking up with Wilson where her Juno character left off. All in all it looks to be a dark comedy held together with a more than apt cast. And yes, the Bacon’s in it.
What could annoy: Rainn Wilson. He’s an odd ball and he’s quirky, yes. His delivery in the film seems to be a bit of a one note, and possibly a bit whiny, which can sometimes eek out a bit too much in his The Office performances as well. Staying close to this comfortable realm may not be the worst thing in the world, but it appears that he still has a ways to go to be on the same footing as Ed Helms, another Office alum who’s recently transitioned into movies, and has largely won appeal for his efforts.
This week is chock full of uncomfortable touching, killer doll denial, dudes who grow up, skulls and bones forever, a Goodfella’s sofa change, and dueling hair follicles.
It’s a strip mall Karate party.
Recalling the Past:You know how we were all like “oohhh, ahhhh” about that airport scene in Total Recall with all that cool X-Ray technology? Oh, ho! Now we’re all like “No skinless radioactivity, please, and TSA stop touching my nethers with your magic molest wands!” That’s right. Here in the future we‘d like you to avert your eyes while you feel us up and check for bombs in our footwear. Never thought that would happen. Nope, no sir. Total Recall was the pinnacle of technological advancement, yup virtual reality, robotic masks, and chicks with multiple mammaries. How exactly could they top this? Well, apparently Colin Farrell and Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston will attempt to figure out a way in a remake of Governor Conan’s 1990 hit, Total Reboot, or Total Revisit, or Total Revomit. Whatever.
Murdering Money Dolls: Reports came out this week that the “Money Greed Money” studio or MGM as it’s known to its friends, has denied rumors that it will be remaking the Child’s Play franchise starring homicidal pervy doll Chucky. Spectacular. Want to know why this doesn’t matter? Because they’re the studio responsible for rebooting Robocop, Poltergeist, and Mr. Mom, which effectively makes MGM the worst movie studio in the world. Seriously. If you’re emphatically denying rumors that the “crap at the bottom of the 1980’s movie barrel” i.e. Child’s Play, is beneath you, but you believe the world is clamoring for another Mr. Mom, than your priorities are so out of whack that most anything could seem like fodder for a film. Do you know what’s missing from the ever present cycle of remakes? Movies about monkeys. There are just not enough movie remakes that star monkeys. This is a fact. I think somebody better get on rebooting Every Which Way but Loose, or Monkey Shines. There’s a whole genre out there left undiscovered.
Bieber and Kutcher Get Big: I’d like to know when it was that Ashton Kutcher could just go into any movie studio and say, “I’m making movies, brodude!” and like a fecal miracle there would indeed appear a movie? Is this a new thing or unbeknownst to the rest of the world he’s always had this ability? If so, that’s just too much power for a Calvin Klein model to have. It’s a very scary thought. Just imagine Kutcher eating Lucky Charms and all of a sudden, “I’d like to be in a movie now, please” and there he is waving a leprechaun’s Shillelagh Stick. Supernatural. So obviously like some sort of movie-kryptonite vampire, Kutcher has sired the same result for girl-haired Justin Bieber. They’re teaming up for What Would Kenny Do a movie about a teen who meets a hologram that claims to be him as an adult. We assume Kutcher is the adult. Sounds awesome. Will Smith’s production company is developing the project. Sounds awesomer. Have we discussed the weirdness that is Will Smith’s family’s connection to Justin Bieber?
We’ve Had Enough of Your Booty:Can Jerry Bruckheimer’s pirate ship ever be stopped? Not while he and Johnny Depp are alive! Brucks and Depps are planning more Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Just more and more until that’s all that’s left in the world, Pirates of the Caribbean movies and olives. A fifth one of these things is being planned before the fourth installment has even opened in theaters! What the hell are these things even called now? Pirates of the Caribbean: Get Me My Reading Glasses or Pirates of the Caribbean: Is it Yesterday? There’s already a screenplay! The movies are now all about Captain Sparrow’s Slurred Speech! They’ve just decided that all those other flimsy characters, you know swashbuckling Legolas and damsel distressing Knightly are just filler. It’s really all about an alcoholic, plundering pirate and the people who keep plunking down their doubloons to see him get chased by things on land or sea. Fantastic. Arrrrrrr.
Meet The Fiddy: Somewhere I imagine Joe Pesci is quite amused. Veteran actor and beloved scary guy, Robert De Niro is teaming up again with Veteran Vitamin Water sponsor and beloved gun shot victim Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson for Freelancers, a movie about the son of a murdered cop who enrolls in the police force. The movie will be produced by Fiddy’s production company, Cheetah Vision, and hopes to costar Forrest Whitaker who must also have nothing else to do on a Saturday. The movie starring two Oscar winners and Kanye West’s nemesis will be directed by Jess Terrero, director of Soul Plane. I really have no further jokes about this.
Hair-Off the Movie: The wigs of both John Travolta and Nicholas Cage will enter into yet another epic battle for the ages. There will be kung fu and spirit gum, jujitsu and viciously crafted widows peaks. Or they could just mash their bald heads together and sing songs from Grease. Anyway, the two hair wizards may be reuniting for two indie thrillers. Oh, yes — Travolta/Cage thrillers. Cue various frowning pauses, and looks of confusion and defiance that say everything and nothing, but mostly that they hope there are tacos for lunch. The ominously named, Shrapnel is about a former Bosnian soldier who seeks vengeance against the American who badly wounded him, and Sea Trial is based on the novel by Frank De Felitta. Hair-Off will be developed by me, because their follicular choices always play the lead in their movies anyway and should be turned into a reality show.
Casting News:
Amy Adams, the fairytale singing bruiser chick from Bahs-ton, will be lifted off her feet as Lois Lane in the Superman Reboot
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit’s fresh face with the tart tongue, will be Sleeping Beauty in a reimagining of the classic tale
Bill Murray, Ghostbusters sequel denier and all around weird guy, will play FDR in a film adaptation of a British radio play
Armie Hammer, Facebook impresario and kitchen refrigerator deodorizer, joins The Brother’s Grimm: Snow White
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, hot off his gravity defying antics in Inception The Boring, will be Alberto Falcone, nee’ the Holiday Killer in The Dark Knight Rises
C. Thomas Howell, The Hitcher’s Mister, will be The Lizard, the main villain in the Amazing Spider-Man
Taylor Swift, Jake Gyllenhaal’s former bearded concubine, will voice one of voices in The Lorax — assuredly to our utter annoyance
Jodie Foster, who hasn’t made Contact in a while, will do so as director in another Sci-Fi project
Julianne Moore and Jeff Bridges of Madison County, will get all warlocky and witchy in The Seventh Son
And Kiefer Sutherland still thinks we care about 24, so he’s adamant a movie version will happen by 2012, even if he has to get all Jack Bauer on somebody. BOO-YA!
So much to look forward to, right? Well, so much to mock as much as possible. Really, what were these people thinking? Kutcher is the adult here, so we’ll be okay, he’s magic.
