Movies are about to get excellent again, a wrong zig-zag can leave you toe tagged and body bagged, Madea does good, the Arnold gets animated, and Captain Kirk spaces out.
This week’s movies are out of time.
A Journey into Excellence: Talk about getting back to your roots. As we speak Keanu Reeves is waiting anxiously for the script for the third installment of Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I can’t imagine greater news. How will a new Bill and Ted movie contain all of the dynamic facial expressions Keanu Reeves has perfected over the last twenty years? They must have a plan. I assume it involves Plaster of Paris and Sandra Bullock holding his eyebrows in place. But just how will they update the whole traveling via telephone booth thing? It’s not like they can change that phone booth into say a policeman’s box, and then move the whole shebang across the pond to London, and maybe add a zany guy who’s maybe a doctor but probably is just really an actor wearing a bowtie? Can they do this? Can Keanu affect a respectable British accent? What? Bram Stoker’s Dracula? What about it? Oh, okay. Nevermind.
Lighting Up Our Lives Forever: Since it’s either pirate ships or living in a tin can in the mouth of a whale, Disney just will not rest until we incorporate some faction of their world into our daily lives. They’re pinning their next round of hopes on Tron: Sequel to An Ill-Conceived Sequel! Are you excited? I am. Because what’s not to be excited about neon glowsticks affixed to futuristic matchbox motorcycles? We need these things in our lives, right? Nothing is better than life and death Geometry. Perpendicular and isosceles — all these things from 9th grade! Never thought we’d use it again. Well, we’re not really using it now, we were mostly supposed to just look at Garrett Hudlund’s hair and aquamarine eyeballs, but really it was about watching grizzle-bear Jeff Bridges’ disembodied young face-flesh attached onto some actor’s body who had to tell people, “Hey, look guys, that’s me.” “Where, Josh?” “Right there…with Jeff Bridges’ head on my body.” Surely his proudest acting moment since the Right Guard commercial aired in Turkey.
Today in Wigs and Dresses: Tyler Perry has plans for his latest movie. Tyler Perry will produce, star, and direct the new movie, Tyler Perry’s Perry’s Tyler. Well, no that’s not it. It will be called Good Deeds, because we assume if you’re going to a Tyler Perry film you are indeed doing a good deed…for his checkbook. No, that’s not right. It’s a good deed….for his popularity. Wait, no! No! It’s a good deed…for his continued ability to make movies. Oh, no. I don’t know what exactly the purpose is for this. I think the movie has something to do with romance and Tyler Perry. There’s been no news of a female lead, so I assume the movie will entail Tyler Perry staring in a mirror counting his money and threatening to beat someone with a shoe.
Yes, we know. He’ll be back: Arnold Schwarzenegger has missed you guys. He’s been planning on a way to entertain his masses of fans, and anyone not affected by a skyrocketed California budget, for the last few months. In his off time he’s put his ear to the ground, sent out notices by carrier pigeon, light speed, and pony express for the best movie scripts available, and in walked the Governator. Started as a comic book, the ex-ruler of Cali-for-nia firmly believes that he can turn this comic about a powerful robot, or a hair plug recipient, or a bag of saggy muscles into an actual theatrical film that we the viewing public would pay money for in some universe that exists outside of 1987. Yes, he believes this will happen. We shouldn’t encourage it. There’s so much he wants to do with this Governator character. He’s talking video games, a television series, a cartoon — that’s just so much Arnold. Just so, so, much. We’ll need smaller doses. I’m thinking his picture on a Speedo box or a guest appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show doing spoken word with Brian Williams.
Going Back to Where Man Has Been Before: So we kind of liked that little Star Trek reboot a couple years ago, right? Chris Pine did his hunky best at being the pause-afflicted Captain Kirk, Zachary Quinto all but nailed being Spock, and Zoe Saldana mostly ran around in a short skirt until they made her a large blue donkey in a world run by James Cameron dragons. We enjoyed this, yes? Seems like it took a long time for the studio to decide that another Star Trek movie, alongside the dozen already in existence, was needed in the world. Honestly, I’m not sure how much more space there’s left to explore. If I had to guess, I’d think the Star Trek people were just puttering around the cosmos like janitors hoping to sweep up a discarded space-sandwich and make a new tale out of bologna and sauerkraut. Despite a largely successful debut, some fans were disappointed with what the reboot brought to the table. Mostly it sounds like a lot of Spock envy.
Casting News
- Mark Whalberg, of the Funky Bunch Wahlbergs, will get his laugh track in shape for the comedy, Bait and Switch
- Ben Affleck, the Daredeviling townie, is in talks to play Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby
- Sean Hayes, Will and Grace star of Just Jack, will take on the role of Larry in the Three Stooges
- Rob Van Winkle, the hammer-loving Vanilla Ice contractor, has scored a supporting role in Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg’s, I Hate You Dad
- Lily Collins, the daughter of Sussudio creator Phil Collins, has been cast as Snow White
- Hugh Jackman, advisor to all Wolverine mutton chops, may join Snow White and the Huntsman
- Chloe Moretz has been let in to play Carolyn in Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows
- Keanu Reeves, the speedy lake house owner, will make his directorial debut with Man of Tai Chi
- Bret McKenzie, the flying conchord, will join Peter Jackson’s, The Hobbit
- Leonard Nimoy, forever Spock, despite our internal despair, will join Michael Bay’s Transformers: Dark of the Moon as the voice of Sentinel Prime
- Will and Jaden Smith will be underwhelming and atrocious in an Untitled M. Night Shyamalan thing of unwatchableness
- Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth, the whitest guys you know, will play Peeta and Gale in the Hunger Games
- Woody Allen, resident of Manhattan, will play himself in Paris Manhattan
Fortunately movies are optional. They’re not a law or anything. It’s not like Schwarzenegger could force you to look at him. He’s mostly silicone and fiberglass. I don’t know that for sure. Cyberdyne doesn’t return my calls.
