Well, good for hopping bunnies! You would think the Crasstalk community had something to do with the success of a movie about one of our favorite animals, but a las no, it was all that scraggly-haired simpleton and his gyrating pants, mostly. Bummer. We’re not rewarded for anything, unless you also saw Gyllenhaal get all leapish this weekend, or something about possessed kids in houses of doom, and then, well, all you probably got was a ticket stub and something stuck to your shoe.
Let’s see if it was worth it.
1) Hop — $38.1 Million
This is exciting news for James Marsden! For a while there it was touch and go with his whole acting thing. I mean you can’t just disintegrate in one movie, marry Katherine Heigl in another, and then share a demonic box with Cameron Diaz and expect to have everyone bow at your feet can you? Well, of course not. Who would have thought the way to box office success was the rebirth of Jesus, an Englishman in tight jeans, and watermelon flavored rabbit poo? Movies are just impressive. Oh, the things they can do now with animation. James Marsden should have tried this years ago. We were pretty worried about him weren’t we? Yes, I should say so. Not anymore though. No, not anymore. It’s an Easter miracle. Yes, a miracle full of Russell Brand, jellybeans, and humanity. And we were merely satisfied with Marshmallow Peeps. Idiots.
2) Source Code — $15.1 Million
So Jake Gyllenhaal got his Groundhog Day on. Every day was like the last. Eight minutes, just eight minutes to save the world. What would most of us do with eight minutes? Mostly I think we’d piss it away doing nonsense. Nonsense like sending emails, contemplating the genius that is Russell Brand, stealing tea bags from the company break room, microwaving leftovers, cursing the Knicks, wondering about the appeal of Dancing with the Stars…you know that sort of thing. We’re most certainly not looking for bombers aboard the Terror Train: 2011. No, most certainly not. Well, not unless we can do that from say our living rooms, in sweatpants and a tee-shirt that says something like “Charley’s, Home of the Best Potato Skins.” Yes, I’m thinking if it came down to saving the world, mostly we’d laugh milkshake out our noses and say something like, “You do know I’m a computer programmer from Trenton, right?” None of us have Jake Gyllenhaal’s stubble and abs. And clearly these are the things needed to thwart bombers on a commuter train set to frantic Tom Cruise action music. We are peasants.
3) Insidious — $13.5 Million
Well, now. Isn’t insidious just a horrible word to combine with a movie about a kid? I was just thinking that I’m not sure there’s a worse word out there. Not that the movie should have been called Smurfs, but surely they could have thought of something that wasn’t so, well, visually repellant. Obviously, when I think of movies about evil kids I’d like to not envision Hollywood shouting things at me like “Insidious” or “Omen” or “Bad Seed.” This is not the kind of positive reinforcement children need. It’s all about keeping the schools and parents happy, right? So how about we change those labels, Hollywood? It would be a good thing so the creepy, evil kids won’t feel so ostracized in the school system due to their ADD (Angelic Deficit Disorder.) So let’s look at the wording shall we? Instead of Insidious…how about Insidiously Dynamic? Or Omen of Excellence, or Bad Seed of Hypotheticals? Let’s promote change! It’s about turning the bad into the good. Let’s give the legion of monster kids something to strive for why don’t we? It’s not good to revel in mediocrity or inherent insanity. We should be about lifting the evil up and out, not celebrating bad behavior. Let’s get a task force or a committee on this immediately. I’ll start a phone tree and you guys get started on the gluten free, evil-reduced muffins.
4) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules — $10.2 Million
Brothers. Well, mostly they’re jerks. No, seriously. Do you have a brother? No? Okay, then you’re probably the brother, and someone has spent their entire lives thinking this about you. There’s nothing like having a rival born right into your family. Like literally sharing space with your arch enemy. At some point the silver lining could always be that you turn your male sibling into a B.R.O.H. (Breathing Organ Host) but that’s for further down the line. For most of your formative years you spend that time trying not to be the cause for wall replastering, new roofing, or reduced glass fixtures in your family home. After years of bedrooms littered with the broken heads of action figures, a stomped on doll house, and avoiding an onslaught of curious saliva flying at you randomly and from heights unknown, one day you’ll get your revenge. One day your internet-based company will take off and win you a buttload of cash, a house in San Diego, a spouse, two kids and a yard, and your bro will need a loan to fix his new truck. You’ll give it to him, because that’s your bro, after all. He’ll say thanks, and then stick his wet finger in your ear.
5) Limitless — $9.4 Million
Somebody go get De Niro. He’s circling the mall in his house shoes again. We need him back here so we can talk about his movie being in fifth place this week. What do you mean he’s not coming? Well, he has to come. This is probably his last week on the top five list. I understand that, but since he’s doing that awful New Year’s Eve thing with Ashton Kutcher and that other movie with 50 Cent, I’m not sure he’ll make it back here anytime soon. Well, tell him we have vanilla wafers. Well, no, we’re not going to plug the film anymore, it’s several weeks old now. We just want to know if working with Bradley Cooper was interesting. No, not Liotta. No one said anything about Ray Liotta. Brad-ley Coop-er. Can he hear you? It doesn’t sound like he can hear you. Really, can you just bring him here? Okay, fine. If he’s not leaving the food court, we’ll come to him. Let’s pack up everybody, we’re moving to the food court because De Niro likes the Cinnabon.
