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Starring: Emily Browning, Abbey Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Carla Gugino & Oscar Isaac
Directed by: Zach Snyder
Written by: Zach Snyder & Steve Shibuya based on a story by Zach Snyder

Zach Snyder is a director that is probably best known for his visual flair. His groundbreaking work in 300, his beautifully realized (whether you liked the actual film or not) version of Watchmen, these are what people have come to expect from Snyder. Even his earliest feature, the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead showed that he was a director with a vision.

However his greatest strength is also his biggest weakness. Snyder is so focused on the visual spectacle that the story gets muddled and lost on the way to its ultimate realization. In the past when he was doing a remake or working with someone else’s material this wasn’t as noticeable. And ultimately he still pulled it off. However Sucker Punch is an entirely original film written by Snyder. And in this case that lack of focus or attention to story, plot & characterization is glaring.

It’s really no mystery at this point what Sucker Punch is about. The studio promoted the hell out of this thing. With a price tag of around $82 million not including marketing costs they had to. So I don’t think I give anything away here by recapping briefly (though there may be some mild spoilers, you are forewarned). “Baby Doll”(Browning) is sent to a mental institution. In there she meets fellow in mates “Sweat Pea”(Cornish), “Rocket”(Malone), “Blondie”(Hudgens) & “Amber”(Chung). The hospital is run through a combination of Dr. Vera Gorski(Gugina) and head lackey/orderly Blue Jones(Isaac).

Baby Doll, who’s got a limited amount of time sort of conjures up in her mind a dreamworld where she gets a quest to free herself from the asylum. Like in the trailer we’re told she needs a map, fire, a knife, a key and some other mystery object.

The majority of the rest of the film as shown in the previews is about Baby Doll and gang trying to procure those items through her warped vision of reality. What’s actually going on back in the asylum is anyone’s guess because we don’t even see it again till the film is almost over. This is part of the problem.

I understand that films want to have “layers” of dreams or subconscious. I mean hell it worked for Inception(at least I thought it did) so why not here. We spend much more time in that “second layer” the first layer being reality. In the second layer none of them are in an insane asylum, but rather in some strange burlesque/prostitution club. It’s through this layer that we get to the third layer which in this case is all the stuff you saw in the preview with dragons and weird steampunk zombie Nazis(which is kind of funny only because I had watched Dead Snow the night before for the first time) etc.

It all looks quite frankly for the most part pretty awesome. The action sequences are fast paced adrenaline pumping scenes. You see some really cool stuff that is very visually impressive. And you only stop and scratch your head a little bit wondering why exactly these 5 women are fighting all these things scantily clad in school girl outfits and other garb better suited for a fetish video than the alleged ass kicking they are handing out.

And then it really hits you. Because while you’re distracted by all the visual fireworks you’re not really thinking. Then wham you get sucker punched. The movie doesn’t really make any fucking sense whatsoever.

I’m sure Snyder had the best of intentions going into this. He just didn’t think things through. The idea is that Baby Doll is supposed to be getting “empowered” when she sets herself free in her mind and through that she can somehow free herself from the physical prison she’s in. What? How the hell is hallucinating your way through a smorgasbord of fanboy wet dreams equal freeing yourself? Are we to believe that Baby Doll is empowering and freeing herself by imagining herself slicing things with a katana in a school girl outfit? The very idea of it is preposterous. .

Like all good morality tales(and this kind sorta tries to be one) there is a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is apparently that Zach Snyder needs to stick to directing other people’s material. Because when it’s his own material we get flat emotionless acting, horrible dialogue and of course to hammer the same nail again an essentially incomprehensible plot. Of course wrapped up really really nice. Oh and sorry folks Jon Hamm is in the film all of five minutes; if you were going to see him, don’t.

Sucker Punch is a beautiful mess. I can’t say I’m anything less than impressed with the visuals, they are stunning and if that’s enough for you than go see it. If you’re looking for anything more save your money and see something else. I give it two beers.

Weekend Box Office: Wimps Are Not Suckers

Girls can’t beat wimps. They’re suckers. Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro are like Kevin Bacon, the degrees of separation are evident in one awful movie idea. Marisa Tomei hibernates like a bear. Johnny Depp probably prays everyday for the return of Richard Grieco…no, he doesn’t. Adam Sandler still exists.

These are the things you spent your money on this weekend, and one thing we hope you never spend your money on again.

1) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules — $24.4 Million

Snott Rockets and Armpit Farts abound! Well, that’s what I remember about middle school. Does this not still happen? Of course it does. Well, apparently bodily functions and boys running around giving each other noogies and other somewhat embarrassing things just beat out the girl dragon slayers, or Bratz doll doppelgangers, or samurai-chick road warriors, or fantastical girls failing miserably with the critics…whatever. Hard to believe a bunch of wimpy kids could beat a bunch of girls, right? What is this a Judy Blume novel? Maybe. Wimps rule and girls with short skirts can eat dirt! Mostly. Well, anyway good on the kids for bringing home the weekend bacon. Maybe they’ll get a third movie after all. I’d just like it to be less about Wimpy kids and more about Wimpy’s burgers, because when I think of “Wimpy” I prefer to think food covered in cheese, and not, you know, pre-teen angst, gym shorts, and dodgeball.

2) Sucker Punch — $19 Million

Well, hmmm. Didn’t we think that maybe this movie would kick ass? That it was going to be like 300 but with girls? Okay, maybe not 300. But at least a good little thing about “girl power?” Okay, I did. But apparently it’s not that. It’s not that at all. It’s kind of weird, dark, confusing, and dumb. So, that’s that. No sequel. No more discussion. It’ll probably be shuttled into that place where Battle: Los Angeles lives now…down by the river, in an old Winnebago, eating cold beans right from the can, and begging drifters and Charlie Sheen for change. You know who’s probably worried right now? Henry Cavill. Yup, the new Superman. Entertainment Weekly reports that this was “director Zack Snyder’s worst live-action debut, behind 300 ($70.9 million), Watchmen ($55.2 million), and Dawn of the Dead ($26.7 million).” Sure, Superman: Man of Steel will make loads more money, but you don’t want your last big film to be such a colossal failure leading into your next big film, especially when that big film is Superman: Christopher Reeve is Watching You. Do it right, Snyder, or we may have you talk to Bryan Singer about what the hell his problem was in 2006! Prada, dude?

3) Limitless — $15 Million

I don’t know how many more magic beans Bradley Cooper has left in his pocket, but certainly there can’t be that many remaining. I imagine even if he’s taking just one per week, like the leaves of the Golden Child‘s little life-sustaining branch of parsley, soon he’ll run out, and this little movie about the brain’s potential and his lustrous hair will peter out in a blur of Vidal Sassoon and the success of the A-Team. Robert De Niro may be a little sad since if he’s not Fockering his Focker he’s taking on roles like this where he plays an old wizened tree knob who teaches the young kids a thing or two about life, the world, or love. He’ll show us all “Love De Niro Style” in the upcoming movie farce, New Year’s Eve, that bastard cousin to the horrible Valentine’s Day starring Julia WideMouth, Ashton Coochhound, and Braidles Coopers! We’ve come full circle.

4) The Lincoln Lawyer — $11 Million

Marisa Tomei has been looking for her Oscar. She’s misplaced it. Last we saw, it was in the backseat of Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln. What’s it doing back there? Well, it was obviously thrown back there with a lot of other garbage from 1992 like patent leather shoes, paisley ties, copious amounts of mousse, and Luke Perry’s day-glo shirts from the 90210 set. I imagine in a fit of anger and despair the Tomei is just screaming from the backseat “Vinny! Vinny! Yeah, you blend!” in a Brooklyn accent from the late 1960’s while waving a rat-tailed comb she confiscated from the Teresa Giudice: New Jersey Housewife real estate sale. The Oscar though, someone should really help her look for it. It’s a treasured piece of memorabilia that she needs to rub daily so it’ll do its magic and bring her a movie every half decade or so.

5) Rango — $9.8 Million

Somewhere Richard Grieco is contemplating where it all went wrong. Greasy, skull-fingered Depp walked out on one of the biggest shows on television, and in walked the Grieco just ready for anything. He had black leather, tough-guy boots, and a randy smirk. What else does anyone need to be a success? Talent? Charisma? Well, Grieco had that and more. There’s just no way that wimpy Depp kid should be an A-list star. Not when Grieco had a smoldering gaze and let’s face it, non-girlish features. “It’s totally not fair. That guy…that Depp kid never had to do penance in TV Movies or have the pressure to make another television show work (Booker), no, no, he just hooks up with some hurricane-haired, goth-goblin and just like that…instant career. Now, he’s even a bug and everyone loves him. I need more muscle shirts.”

Today in Mind-Boggling News:

That Adam Sandler movie with Adam Sandler doing the same thing Adam Sandler does in every Adam Sandler movie, but now with settling-for-crap Jennifer Aniston, Just Go With It, should reach the $100 million mark, becoming Adam Sandler’s 12th movie to do so. Now this is a stunning WTF moment. Just who are the people that are consistently looking at the trailers for Adam Sandler’s movies and saying, “Yup, I’m definitely seeing that. No matter what. I’m seeing that Adam Sandler movie.” Who are they? I’m discounting all of Adam Sandler’s family and perhaps even Kevin James’ friends, so that leaves roughly 300 billion people left. It’s hard to imagine 300 billion people have been hit in the head with baseballs, or fell off a boat, or rode a bicycle into a ravine or something resulting in knocked-brain disease…so what exactly is it that’s so compelling? Has he mastered some scientific way to compel us through the television? That must be it. Turn off your TV, Adam Sandler understands microwaves.

Saturday Night Movie Open Thread

Well hello gang. Hope you have had a wonderful day and are ready for a relaxing and possibly intoxicated evening. Tonight I have a very special (and by that I mean weird) movie for you. This is 1973’s Invasion of the Bee Girls. This involves a mad scientist and women who are genetically altered to kill my men by oversexing them to death. Hot! This is why the 1970s were the greatest decade in American history. Enjoy.

Have a wonderful night.

Elizabeth Taylor, Farewell To An Icon

How do you say goodnight to a goddess? Do you float up to her gossamer face and place a gentle kiss upon her cheek? Do you flatter her immensely and tell tales of the beauty and grace she bestowed while wishing her a blessed eternal slumber?

Yes, you most certainly do.

Wednesday, the amethyst light winked out of a classic icon’s eyes leaving us with the irrepressible memories and images that she brought to life, reminding us of those she championed for, those she loved and loved her back, and together, we among the many, remember as we watched in wonder as she lit up the movie screen and defined what it is to be a legend.

Not only have we lost a great actress, a timeless beauty, and a consummate humanitarian, we are ever more witnessing an end to an era. An end to women who never stepped outdoors without their white gloves, or a delicious hatpin, a red, red, lip, or hair so coiffed and perfect that it was an institution. And along with all these glamor trappings, we’re seeing the end to the bawdy dame who mastered refined, regal chic while simultaneously bantering with any man in the room, making him feel as though he is the only one there, whispering conspiratorially with the women in attendance, and turning the heads of just everyone with an infectious laugh, and a well placed hand on an arm. These are things that are not taught, they simply are.

Elizabeth’s movies were sumptuous and luscious, full of zeal, verve, and gumption. As Maggie the Cat in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, you felt every word she spoke, a sultry denizen who held Paul Newman’s Brick in her lustrous gaze, challenging him to love her, despite himself. Butterfield 8‘s Gloria Wandrous was unflappable, desirous, and wore that slip like a powerhouse, rendering us all speechless with the daring topic, and Elizabeth’s delivery. As Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s, Martha, Elizabeth’s boozy anger, obstinate angst, and treacherous tongue gave as good as she got, undeniably. Her Cleopatra was stunning, classic, omnipresent, and lavish, only a role the Queenly Elizabeth herself could execute. Today, actresses would be hard-pressed to find such varied and dynamic roles, and be able to play them in the same unforgettable way. Simply, there will never be another Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor, two-time Oscar winner, screen royalty, and film legend.

The English-born owner of lavender eyes, a double row of covetable lashes, and a litany of jewels that would make any monarch envious, the enigmatic Taylor, was also known for her great loves. And yes, she had several. A self-proclaimed romantic, Elizabeth loved falling in love. So much so, that she married the love of her life, and soul-mate, Richard Burton twice. They were “the most famous film star in the world and the man many believed to be the finest classical actor of his generation.” A pairing of giants, they were. And when you love as much, and as often as Elizabeth, there may be a few bumps in the road, or perhaps a wife in your path. Scandal. Oh, dear, yes. The whole Pitt-Aniston-Jolie scandal is nothing compared to that of Elizabeth’s day. If you’re going to do it, do it big, and Elizabeth did just that. She and Eddie Fisher ruled the tabloids in those days, but what else could you really expect from a goddess, right? Aphrodite never apologized.

When you’re the most beloved Hollywood star in existence what will you do with your retirement? Collect more jewels? Well, maybe. Obtain rare works of art? Certainly. How about found an organization that helps millions of people? Well, if you’re Elizabeth Taylor, naturally. She helped raise more than $100 million to fight AIDS, and after the death of her former costar and friend, Rock Hudson, she co-founded amFAR the American Foundation for AIDS Research, and created her own AIDS foundation, the Elizabeth Taylor Aids Foundation. In 2006, she also commissioned a 37-foot “Care Van” equipped with examination tables and X Ray equipment and donated $40,000 to the New Orleans AIDS task force, a charity designed for the New Orleans population with AIDS and HIV. And remember what I said about being a bawdy dame, yes well, in March 2003, Taylor declined to attend the 75th Annual Academy Awards, due to her opposition to the Iraq war. She publicly condemned then US President George W. Bush for calling on Saddam Hussein to leave Iraq, and said she feared the conflict would lead to “World War III.” Simply, a woman who knows our own heart.

For me, when I think of Elizabeth Taylor I also think of that time in Hollywood that was golden and beautiful and full of real movie stars, not the hackneyed, overnight sensations we often find littering Hollywood films today, but women who were sassy and proud, beautiful and fierce, with names like Betty, Lana, Katherine, Audrey, Ava, Rita, Grace, Natalie, and of course, Elizabeth. I adore this time, and watching all of these ladies light up the screen, even in their not so famous roles. My introduction to Elizabeth Taylor wasn’t in National Velvet, it was her turn as sister Amy in 1949’s Little Women, a story I was fascinated with as a young woman. My next favorite was Father of the Bride starring Elizabeth as Kay and Spencer Tracy as Stanley Banks. In addition to her better known, and bigger received films, watching some of the others was like watching her grow into the accomplished actress she became in a career that spanned decades and generations. It’s hard to believe that she was only 79! She has been a fixture in the world for much longer so it seems.

There is so much you could say about the woman who was. About the woman named for a Queen. A woman who helped millions, entertained millions more, was a teacher in fame, beauty, grace, humility, and undeniable charm. But mostly, we say she was beautiful inside and out, and that will stand the test of time, always.

Goodnight, Dame Elizabeth.

Opening Weekend: Sucker Punched

A bunch of girls get all punchy, wimps aren’t losers, losers are losers, mostly if they’re big brothers, and peeping your family just sounds like something you shouldn’t do, well, unless you tell jokes in the 1980’s on the Sunset Strip while wearing skinny ties and sport coats with the sleeves rolled up. This was a thing!

This weekend’s movies sound embarrassing.

Sucker Punch

Ok, uh, wow. This is unfortunate. The reviews…well, the reviews say you should see Paul this weekend.

“Sucker Punch” is an epic action fantasy that takes us into the vivid imagination of a young girl whose dream world provides the ultimate escape from her darker reality. Unrestrained by the boundaries of time and place, she is free to go where her… “Sucker Punch” is an epic action fantasy that takes us into the vivid imagination of a young girl whose dream world provides the ultimate escape from her darker reality. Unrestrained by the boundaries of time and place, she is free to go where her mind takes her, and her incredible adventures blur the lines between what’s real and what is imaginary.

What you can expect: Remember that cartoon in the 90’s, The Powerpuff Girls? Yeah? Okay, I think it may be something like that. At least it looks like something like that with a little bit of Annie thrown in. There’s an evil den mother, a bunch of ass kicking orphans, and a dragon. Wait. A dragon? Yes, apparently there’s some sort of evil dragon, because well, why not a dragon? Apparently dragons like being in CGI-laden movies with a bunch of nubile girls running around with swords and pigtails. Sounds like pervy dragons, but whatever. I imagine a lot of slow-motion fight scenes. Lot’s of overuse of that 300 style cinematography minus the spray on abs, and far-reaching, desolate scorched earth, because if you’re going to be a Powerpuff Girl with a sword in pigtails hanging out with dragons and fifty percent of what made High School Musical popular, it better be the apocalypse.

What could annoy: Copious amounts of CGI, just heaps and loads of it. Bad writing, a bad script, and characters milling around in a large spectacle with a lot to do, but not much to say. This can be a problem with using CGI like this. While the images are fantastic and gorgeous, if there’s not enough story built around it, it can just be window dressing. And for those that try to loop something around such extreme visuals it may become confusing and overblown. I fear Suck Punch suffers from both. Also, Jon Hamm is somewhere in this thing, which now seems like a wasted effort. Don Draper isn’t really hitting it out of the movie ball park. He may need a better agent.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Roderick Rules

Roddy may rule over the “wimp“ but that‘s about all. The reviews say there may not be a three.

In this sequel to 2010’s surprise hit, Greg Heffley, the kid who made “wimpy” cool is back in an all-new family comedy based on the best-selling follow-up novel by Jeff Kinney. (Kinney’s Wimpy Kid” series has thus far sold 42 million books.) As he… In this sequel to 2010’s surprise hit, Greg Heffley, the kid who made “wimpy” cool is back in an all-new family comedy based on the best-selling follow-up novel by Jeff Kinney. (Kinney’s Wimpy Kid” series has thus far sold 42 million books.) As he begins seventh grade, Greg and his older brother – and chief tormentor – Rodrick must deal with their parents’ misguided attempts to have them bond.

What you can expect: A trip back to middle school. Oh, jeebus. Personally, I’d rather get my teeth scraped. I can’t imagine anything I’d like to do less than go back to middle school. Middle school kids are crazy. They’re like little balls of nutty hormones walking around all weird and full of B.O. Nonetheless, this movie is really for kids. The antics of siblings from beloved books has become the newest kid-friendly thing in film. I thought the making of the Ramona books into a movie was cute. This one may still rate on the cute meter, but critics don’t think much else is impressive, but then what are they expecting?

What could annoy: It’s possible the movie tries to be all things to the age group, cute, funny, poignant, and message-y, when it could have picked one of those themes and ran with it. Apparently there’s some bullying type stuff that goes on here. As the viewing public, we really don’t like to identify with the bully. We’re kind of an underdog crowd, so the fact that the story is told from the bully’s point of view could seem odd, but it does allow for the younger brother (the bully-ee) to steal some scenes and lighten the moment.

Indie Screw-Up of the Week

Peep World

Well, somebody thought this was a good idea. Lots more people disagreed.

As the Meyerwitz clan prepares for the 70th birthday of nasty family patriarch HENRY (Ron Rifkin), PEEP WORLD, the expose written by youngest son NATHAN (Ben Schwartz) has gone red hot, making a mess of all of their lives. JACK (Michael C. Hall), the oldest son, is failing in his career and now has to bend over backwards to convince his wife LAURA (Judy Greer) that certain, ahem, salacious events in Nathan’s book weren’t really committed by him. Sister CHERI (Sarah Silverman), a drama queen and struggling actress, can see the PEEP WORLD movie set from her window. Meanwhile, black sheep JOEL (Rainn Wilson), a disaster in slow-motion, plots to turn his life around at his family’s expense.

What you can expect: Family drammmaaazzz. Something you’ve seen before, and probably seen done better. A wacky, dysfunctional family, comes together for a family event, where they get to display their collective wackiness. Cue fights over childish and silly things, lots of venting, lots of blaming, and the well-worn tread of protagonist and antagonist roles. The odd-ball family trope was hugely popular in the 1980’s when people just started feeling comfortable discussing D-i-v-o-r-c-e at the dinner table. A cast that includes, Michael C. Hall, Rainn Wilson, and Sarah Silverman should be full of fun, jokes, mustard colored business suits, and maybe a dead body? No, okay. Maybe not that.

What could annoy: Unfunny jokes about family dysfunction. This is a really bad stand-up routine from 1987 starring Paula Poundstone. There’s really no need to keep doing this unless Zach Galifianakis is in it or it’s a reality show on VHI (Mafia Wives coming soon! This is scary.) It also looks to be a waste of people that we already find marginally funny. I admit that I don’t always get Sarah Silverman’s humor, but lots of people think she’s witty, right? Or do most people think like I do, but want to sound cool when they’re in the coffee shop eating a scone while sitting with their Whole Food shopping bags and hipster sandals?

Anyway, here’s the trailer for Peep World. Judge for yourself, maybe you’ll like it. Maybe you have a real love for Paula Poundstone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Att6tLpHbHA

Judging Movies By Their Posters

Hi all. Your neighborly cinephile dragon Vermithrax here. So I was thinking today and had an idea. What if I reviewed forth coming movies before they are released based solely on their movie posters? Sure it may have nothing to do with the actual movie themselves. But who cares! And then I’ll most likely see one of said movies the following weekend and report whether or not my foresight and insights proved to be accurate. Sound good? Oh, and I’m going to try to limit it to mostly major wide releases unless there is a particularly interesting looking poster I can’t resist commenting on.

So this upcoming weekend there are two major releases. They are Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrik Rules and Sucker Punch. Let’s start with the wimp shall we?

Judging by the title I’m going to assume this film is about a kid that is a wimp. Brilliant deduction I know. And I think it’s also safe to assume that the poor child has a diary where he sobbingly records the accounts of the bullying he faces at school. Heartbreaking. Now both of the kids on this poster have cartoon stick figure drawings growing out of there shadow. I think by this being present the only safe and logical assumption is that there is some point where the two kids get sucked into the pages of a comic book. Whilst there they are chased by strange men in helmets wielding wrenches and rescued by a European in a striped shirt. Much like the Aha video for “Take On Me”. What other possible reason could there be for the cartoon images?

I also see that the taller one is wearing a shirt that appears to say loded diper. I’m not sure what exactly that means. Maybe however it is implying that the poor lad in fact is wearing a loaded diaper and the shirt is his cry for help. As if being beaten by his peers at school isn’t bad enough no one will change his diaper. No sign as to who the devil this Rodrik fellow is though. Probably not important anyway. Now onto Suckerpunch.

Well there is certainly a lot going on here. Wait a second. There’s a dragon chasing a plane. Hold on a tick. There is dragon I see on there?!?! THERE IS! I don’t know who that is but I may have to seriously consider killing him… But I digress. Apparently Suckerpunch is a porn. Scratch that, I’m being told it is in fact a comic book movie and one may merely surmise that it is a porn. My mistake. One would think they intentional are using sex appeal to sell this movie to teenage boys and… Oh… Gotcha. However this film clearly has something to do with 5 attractive young women whom are mostly blonde and white. Some like dressing in sexy pseudo military garb, some in a “sexy school girl” outfit and some in well I don’t know what the hell they’re wearing but clearly it is the “sexy” version. One of them has a delightful little hat on too! There are also toting a variety of very dangerous weapons. As such I think it is safe to assume that this is not a movie about 5 female friends spending the day shopping at the mall. There goes my dream of a more updated version of Clueless…

There are a large number of people in the background rushing in their general direction. Given that the 5 women do seem attractive perhaps they have all those weapons to keep away their hordes of admirers? But why would they have the horde? Perhaps they are in fact a 5 piece pop band with a really clever getup arranged by a marketing team with the end goal of selling action figures to children? That seems the most probable. Now finally what exactly is that giant robot thing? And is that a bunny painted on it??? A very angry looking bunny too might I add. What exactly a pissed off bunny has to do with a giant metal machine is completely beyond me. One thing is certain though. The poster tells me I will be unprepared. Given how confused I am right now I think they hit that nail right on the head.

Well that’s it for now. Based on the options presented I can in good conscious only elect to see Suckerpunch. Sorry wimpy kid. Oh well at least the film isn’t called Donkeypunch. Now that would have been awkward… So look for my review of Suckerpunch sometime soon!

Monday Box Office Report: Limitless Ambition

Drugs make you cool! Geckos are great at law enforcement. We can win the alien apocalypse. An old Lincoln works as an office. Seth Rogen’s comedy can save a movie! Paul Giamatti will wrestle lots of money right out of your puny hands! These are all lies.

Here’s the results of some of the millions you shelled out this weekend, and some other stuff you won’t see ever.

1) Limitless — $19 Million

So Bradley Cooper and his pocket full of magic beans tops the box office this week. And that just makes total sense since it’s not everyday in a movie some mousy, drab, rumple-person goes from geek to chic. That’s not something that ever happens in movies nowadays. Why, not since Melanie Griffith chopped off all her Jersey style hair-frizz, grabbed a pair of Reeboks, starched her shoulder pads, and stole a dress from Sigourney Weaver’s bony-ass has this happened in a movie. Nope. Not ever at all. Bradley is charting new territory by taking off his glasses, undoing that uncomely bun, shaking out his lustrous mane and becoming the va,va, va, voom we all hoped he’d be. Mostly, right? Maybe Robert DeNiro packs him a lunch in a cool lunch pail at the end of this thing, right before he stumbles into a real office.

2) Rango — $15.3 Million

In some sort of greasy hair-battle, Bradley Cooper managed to beat out the original oil-follicle Johnny Depp. Not that Rango isn’t an awesome movie. It so clearly is. But in order to sustain dominance, the viewing public needs to actually see an unkempt man parading himself in front of a movie camera with the hopes that he’ll either 1) turn into a heartthrob later on, or 2) rely on past 1980’s hotness to carry him through while he dresses up in various Halloween costumes. A Hawaiian be-shirted animated Gecko can only work for so many weeks until the audience is clamoring for more ratty hobo-ness. And if Johnny Depp can’t deliver, than well, they’ll just look for the next best thing — B.Coops serving Dim Sum and working on Wall Street until Harrison Ford DeNiro saves the movie by trying to steal his magic beans and his miracle shoulder pads.

3) Battle: Los Angeles — $14.6 Million

In with a bang, out with a farty whimper. The reviews of “blockbuster for the ages,” Battle: Los Angeles have not been good. Is it this year’s over-hyped Skyline? Maybe. After a decent opening week — yup, that $36 million got punched in the face reducing it by about $22 million. That’s a whole lot of people who decided they’d rather clip their toenails, or clean their gutters, or sew button eyes on socks, than go see Lt. Vasquez and Harvey Dent play shaky-cam Stratego with a bunch of alien-borg cockroaches or whatever the alien beings are now. There’s probably just as much satisfaction popping in a VHS tape of M. Night Shamaliarlans Signs and just watch that one scene with Joaquin sitting in the closet while the alien struts in an alley i.e. the only cool part of that movie. Simplicity!

4) The Lincoln Lawyer — $13.4 Million

The actor responsible for such enigmatic greats as Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Fool’s Gold, and Failure to Launch, failed to financially outdo these less than well-received films, which obviously premiered amid a world of McConaughey hypnotism. Really. In the past he must have used one of his shirtless enchanted nipples as a beacon luring unsuspecting virgins to various palaces of cinema with promises of a sip from his sweat-filled armpit of love. There’s really no other explanation. The spell must be broken, since his lawyer doing lawyerly things from a Lincoln’s backseat riddled with Wendy’s bags and Marisa Tomei’s Oscar didn’t do the same amount of business this weekend. He may need to unleash the unencumbered pectorals yet again. No, we really don’t mean this.

5) Paul — $13.2 Million

While Seth Rogen is probably stewing in Judd Apatow’s pool surrounded by a mountain of chicken fingers, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are having the best week ever! Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz debuted at $3.3 million and $5.8 million, respectively. So for these guys $13.2 Million is like starring in Star Wars, or Battle: LA! Perhaps they’ve finally made it. Maybe now we Yanks will see them as more than just a couple of witty blokes who’ve mastered the shock-faced close up! It’s certainly possible. We like that Ricky Gervais an awful lot don’t we? Uh, well, okay. Maybe not everyone likes Ricky Gervais, but certainly we like Pegg and Frost better than Rowan Atkinson (Stupid Mr. Bean!) or Gordon Ramsey (Evil Mr. Arseface!). That’s something to aspire to — continue being cuddly and American-friendly, and not a cunty-pisser. Good luck, gentlemen.

Honorable Mention

Win Win — $154,000

The limited release indie didn’t make a whole lot of bank, but the reviews have been strong and Amy Ryan is in it, so basically it doesn’t matter. The King’s Speech gained only marginally better reviews and look what happened there? And in a fight we think Ryan could take on Helena Bonham Hair Nest of Algae Carter. That is if she doesn’t use her crazy person super strength, and she leaves her mismatched-shoes-of-power home for the brawl. Support your local indie flick, after all, these are the things that win awards. What? You thought comedies and science-fiction did? You silly aliens.

Movie Review: Paul

Paul

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kristen Wiig, Jason Batemen and Seth Rogan
Directed by: Greg Mottola
Written by: Nick Frost, Simon Pegg

First of all let me say hello to you toothpicks (that is my nickname for humans). My name is Vermithrax Pejorative and I am a dragon. I am also a fan of movies (particularly ones with dragons in them). Given that I am exceptionally intelligent (as all dragons are), I have decided to share with you my thoughts on the movies that I watch. Why should you care what I have to say? Simple, did I not mention that I am a fucking dragon? I can eat you. I can burn you to a crisp. Need I have any other reason beyond that? I thought not.

I am also a dragon that is very fond of alcohol. That is how I will rate the movies I watch. What does that mean exactly? Say I sit down with a six pack of beer. If a movie is truly awful I will only watch it long enough to finish one or no beers. Where as if the film is exceptional then I would likely finish the entire six pack before I get back to terrifying ignorant peasants. Simple no? So without further ado here is the review.

I am an unabashed fan of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. The British comedy duo introduced to most of us state side through the exceptional 2004 film Shaun of the Dead have never failed to deliver when their forces are combined. This is the duo’s third film collaboration which also includes the hilarious Hot Fuzz. However unlike the previous two which were directed by their long time friend Edgar Wright, Paul was directed by the new to them but equally talented Greg Mottola.

Paul is at its essence a science fiction movie. But much like in their previous two films it takes a conventional genre and puts a spin on it. The spin on this is that the story is set to the pacing of a road movie. And it works. Essentially Paul is the story of two friends from England that come to America on their dream vacation to attend San Diego Comic Con and then travel across the American southwest visiting sites related to aliens and UFOs. Then when they meet the titular Paul they are dragged into his adventure of trying to make it back home while being pursued by government forces. And of course problems and complications arise on the way.

Paul is a movie that gets the majority of things right. Pegg and Frost are very natural working together and have not only an excellent chemistry on screen but work off of each others comedic timing perfectly. Their characters friendship is the heart of the story.

Then of course there is Paul himself. When you have a live action movie that involves a CGI character as one of the main components it doesn’t always work particularly well. This is the area I was most concerned about going into the film. There are just so many ways to do this wrong. Fortunately between the script and Mottola’s direction they delivered something that was neither cliche or absurd. Paul does do some absurd things along the way, but he is a genuine character who possesses the sort of depth one would expect from a major character in a film. Paul is of course voiced by the always funny Seth Rogen and honestly that does make a difference.

In addition there is great supporting work. Kristen Wiig is really entertaining as the proverbial “bible thumper” who comes along for the ride. Jason Bateman also shines as a government agent who is tracking Paul. When freed from the shackles of having to be a romantic comedy lead Bateman is able to remind us that he can in fact be as funny now as he was in the days of Arrested Development. Bill Hader who has appeared in the most recent trio of Mottola’s films is always solid in a supporting role and this is no exception.

And Mottola himself to me delivers another solid film. Tackling very different territory than his last two features, Superbad & Adventureland, he shows that he is just as solid directing a more adult (and I use that term very loosely) cast and action oriented script.

All of that aside though the number one thing that I enjoyed about Paul is that it’s a love letter. In that I mean Pegg and Frost have used this platform to create a loving living tribute to the science fiction that they grew up on and helped form them into the dynamic geek duo that they are today. I won’t spoil any of it for you, but there are many references and shout outs to some of the best sci fi films of the past. And only fans would be able to spot most of them.

That very fact may seem to alienate a more mainstream audience at first glance. However Paul manages to keep the story and humor accessible enough that all the references and tributes just add an extra something without being distracting or unrelatable to an audience.

Paul is a film that deserves to have a wider audience than it likely will. But unfortunately this sort of film tends to be a hard sell. I only hope positive word of mouth will help keep it afloat. For anyone that is a fan of sci-fi, Pegg and Frost or a clever different comedy this one is a must see. I give it five and a half beers.

Opening Weekend: Out On a Limb

It’s hard to fit in. You would think that as a pint-sized alien with a very adult sensibility it shouldn’t be so hard, right? Well, that’s obviously not the case if you like eating raw birds, or showing your junk to a couple of Brits in a Winnebago. And what about that misfit guy who gets the gift of a lifetime and is now suave all of a sudden? Has he ever heard of “Never making a deal with the devil?” I would think that’s part of taking the “I’m now awesome” drug 101. And well, no one ever likes lawyers. Those guys are just jackals in loafers. But hardest of them all is fitting into high school. That’s the worst. Well especially if you look like a young Jeff Spicoli. That’s just gotta be extra hard.

Let’s see how they all make it work.

Paul:

So far the reviews aren’t in the toilet! Success. Well, at least if you’re Seth Rogen.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead) reunite for the comedy adventure Paul as two sci-fi geeks whose pilgrimage takes them to America’s UFO heartland. While there, they accidentally meet an alien [Seth Rogen] who brings them on an insane road trip that alters their universe forever.

What you can expect: More aliens. EVER MOAR! Well, okay. Obviously our fascination with space and the naked men that live there hasn’t abated. No matter how many times we see aliens we always find them to be interesting, I guess. But now this one tells jokes! Seth Rogen will be witty in an off-color way. He’ll say some crass things, and there may be some significant toilet humor. This is Seth Rogen we’re talking about. Some guest appearances by the likes of Jason Bateman, Kristin Wiig, and Bill Hader in addition to Peg and Frost will keep the funny going. We suspect there will be a few heartwarming moments here. Not E.T. heartwarming but enough for the viewer to say, “Aw.” And that may be enough.

What could annoy: It’s another alien movie. With two alien movies opening back-to-back, moviegoers may have to choose, and it’s possible that Big, Bang, Boom, will still win out over small duck out of water alien story. And well, Seth Rogen. Not everyone finds his sloppy-guy humor funny. It’s like the second generation of Adam Sandler, and that dude’s movies are pretty unwatchable. Here’s hoping Seth keeps it all in the safe zone and leaves more of the silly, less urbane comedy to the Sandler and James duo. We have a feeling Wiig, Hader, and Bateman will be natural scene stealers. Let’s hope they use their talents in the best way possible.

Limitless:

Well apparently there are limits, and these hover somewhere around mediocre.

Aspiring author Eddie Morra (Cooper) is suffering from chronic writer’s block, but his life changes instantly when an old friend introduces him to NZT, a revolutionary new pharmaceutical that allows him to tap his full potential. With every synapse crackling, Eddie can recall everything he has ever read, seen or heard, learn any language in a day, comprehend complex equations and beguile anyone he meets as long as he keeps taking the untested drug.

What you can expect: Much, much posturing by Bradley Cooper. A frenzied roller coaster of a ride that changes aesthetically based upon which state Cooper’s character is in. DeNiro will attempt to give the suspense thriller its gravitas, and Abby Cornish its heart, but it really is all Cooper’s show. From the slick and flashy to the downtrodden and morose, it will be up to Cooper to convey exactly what the character is thinking and feeling as the levels go from mid-range to heightened and then crashing back down to reality.

What could annoy: There may be too much suspension of belief involved, and Cooper’s character may be too slick and stylized to work on a few levels. It’s possible the notion of using drugs in such a carefree manner could feel a bit irresponsible. In addition, where the movie could have more of an impact, and really dig a bit deeper into the aspects of the drug, it’s possible the movie glosses over those parts and uses Cooper’s penchant for comedy to carry the moment.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Hey McConaughey may have a bit of a hit on his hands! Who knew? Well, that’s a reason to wear a shirt, right?

Mickey Haller (Matthew McConaughey) is a Los Angeles criminal defense attorney who operates out of the back of his Lincoln sedan. Haller has spent most of his career defending garden-variety criminals, until he lands the case of his career: defending Louis Roulet (Ryan Phillippe), a Beverly Hills playboy accused of rape and attempted murder. But the seemingly straightforward case suddenly develops into a deadly game of survival for Haller. Based on the best-selling novel by Michael Connelly.

What you can expect: Richard Roeper says that it’s a “return to classic court room drama“. Wow, when was the last time we’ve seen that outside of NBC’s cancelled Law & Order series? Surely not in a film in a long time. Viewers may recall that when McConaughey was at his best, before all the romantic comedies wherein he played the same swaggering southern cad, he blew audiences away as the passionate lawyer in A Time to Kill. If he’s bringing half the talent he displayed then to this offering now, than that’s a formula for success.

What could annoy: The screen adaptation of Michael Connelly’s legal thriller could be a big bite for the movie to chew. There may be a few formulaic plot points and a slight level of predictability that could belie the efforts of Matthew McConaughey’s work, but that isn’t the large consensus. So far the critics are lauding the efforts of a chest-covered McConaughey, but very little at this point has been stated about the acting of Cruel Intentions star Ryan PhilliPeePee. The double Pee is obviously trying to jumpstart his flagging career, and the coupling with McConaughey could help with that…that is if moviegoers can overlook all the duds McConaughey has put out lately and go see this film.

Indie Pick of the Week

Win Win:

The reviews so far are pretty awesome.

Struggling attorney Mike Flaherty, who volunteers as a high-school wrestling coach, takes on the guardianship of an elderly client in a desperate attempt to keep his practice afloat. When the client’s teenage grandson runs away from home and shows up on his grandfather’s doorstep, Mike’s life is turned upside down as his win-win proposition turns into something much more complicated than he ever bargained for.

What you can expect: An emotional journey, and a good story to boot. Seems to be a quiet unobtrusive movie, but buoyed by heart and a wealth of compassion. There are comedic moments that roll off the tongue of Paul Giamatti with ease. He can play the loveable schlubby guy like no one else in Hollywood. Newcomer Alex Shaffer appears to do more than hold his own. He approaches the role with the same vigor as he does wrestling, with zeal and focus. Amy Ryan is always fantastic, and looks to do more of that here. All in all, a great showing by everyone involved.

What could annoy: Watch the trailer. If that doesn’t pull at your heartstrings, you were made in Steve Jobs’ laboratory.

Hollywood’s Best Laid Plans: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Hollywood has some truly terrible things in store for us. There’s really not a whole lot to say. Brendan, take it away…

Brendan Fraser’s Goof-Clap Looks Better Than This Movie: The Mummy star will be in a fish-heist movie. We can’t even begin to imagine what a fish heist movie is. Stealing fish? Hijacking fish? Fish stealing jewelry? Will he be a fish in this movie? Will the fish be him in this movie? So many questions. We imagine once you’ve done Furry Vengeance there’s no going back. None at all. It’s great that he’s embracing his achievements. We’re not even going to elaborate about this thing except to say that there’s fish, gangsters, and it’s going to be called Whole Lotta Sole. ’Nuff said? Yes, for forever.

Daring You to Hate it Again: The Daredevil reboot is coming. Yes! Ha! That’s hilarious. What the hell is Billy Zane doing right now, because The Phantom should be rebooted too! It should be a double feature. When you go to the theater you should get an ant farm or some other awful thing for coming to see these two reboots together. We just think that no other inspired filming could happen. Director David Slade of 30 Days of Night and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse has signed on to helm this fantastic voyage into the recent past. Awesome. We’ll just forget the first movie ever happened. No, no we won’t .

You Need a Director, Bub: Darren Aronofsky, director of Stupid Dancing Swan Bird, has called it quits on another film. Last week we reported that he dropped out of Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal, because the reboot of this movie is just as useful to the viewing public as say a Weekend at Bernie’s prequel. So, in an epic move to shun all ridiculous crap, Aronofsky has decided he has better things to do than watch Hugh Jackman comb his sideburns in The Wolverine remake, mostly like bide his time until another Oscar worthy script lands in his lap. Are we all that interested in Wolverine? Who are these people who desperately need to see Hugh Jackman smoking a cigar, wearing leather, and growling like a bear? Oh.

I’m Sure Jolie Doesn’t Care: So they’re rebooting Tomb Raider. Yep, that movie that was out a few years ago starring Angelina Jolie’s horrible British accent will get a reboot. The only reason we can fathom is because Jolie is now in her thirties, and is no longer a young ingénue. According to the studio, GK films, the goal is to “create daring new adventures for the young and dynamic Lara Croft.” So as mentioned, we’re sure Jolie doesn’t care, but seriously way to be dicks, GK.

American Sigh: Universal Pictures is making a fourth American Pie movie. Well, it was just a matter of time wasn’t it? No, no not at all! There’s really no excuse for this. How many of these ever need to be made? We understand Jason Biggs is probably sitting in his condo not totally sure where he went wrong. Somewhere between smushing a pie and landing in that atrocious Kevin Smith movie with the Affleck and the J.Lo., which would be enough to make anyone question their destiny, but for that to manifest itself in another American Pie movie just seems like the work of Direct-to-DVD Gods who’ve been gifted one shot at a feature film, and yes, this is what they chose to go with…blowing a trombone out its ass and gluing its hand to their nethers. Brilliant.

Baywatch Movie Currently Only Living in Ivan Reitman’s Head: And hopefully it won’t leak out, run for the door, and find its way to a studio. Reitman sounds pretty emphatic about what a full length film about boobadocious lifeguards, and the men who suck in their stomachs running beside them, will be. This mostly sounds like an idea dreamt up after a poker game full of hoagies and stogies in an unfinished basement in Cleveland. This does not sound like the idea of a prolific filmmaker who’s serious about his movie projects. We wish him luck with that whole Ghostbusters thing and getting Bill Murray to strap on a proton pack again, but let’s leave the Baywatch film to the American Pie folks, ‘kay? Focus, Reitman.

LaBeouf Gets a Little Horny: The stuttering Monchichi despite anyone watching the first two Transformers movies has landed the title role in an adaptation of Joe Hill’s novel Horns. He’ll play a twenty-something who wakes up after an all night bender with horns growing out of his head. People will feel compelled to tell him their darkest secrets, he’ll act erratically, and then his girlfriend is murdered. Guess who’s the prime suspect? Yep, ole “No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no,” Shia. He’ll be hunted. Certainly. Well, if not for this than definitely for signing on to play a small hairy monkey-man named Chaka in Michael Bay’s claymation psychedelic comedy Transformers and the Space Sleestacks.

Casting News:

The Hunger Games gets an Oscar nominee. Jennifer Lawrence fresh off her gripping turn in last year’s Winter’s Bone has landed the lead role in The Hunger Games. She’ll play Katniss, the girl who joins a survival contest to save her community. Lawrence was the clear frontrunner beating out Hailee Steinfeld and Abigail Breslin for the role.

Hot-loins Tom Hardy will star in the new Mad Max: Fury Road movie. Filming isn’t set to begin until January 2012. The project starring Hardy and Charlize Theron (Where has this chick been?) has been delayed, but for Hardy we’re willing to wait.

Drew Barrymore will take on her second directorial project with an adaptation of Liz Tuccillo’s novel How to Be Single. The romantic comedy will most likely be filmed in the same vain as He’s Just Not That Into You, a movie we didn’t really like, and really don’t need to see again in any format, but eh, we like Drew Barrymore and Whip It was pretty cute.

Brie Larson who plays Toni Collette’s rebellious daughter on The United States of Tara has landed the role of Molly in Sony Picture’s 21 Jump Street movie. Jonah Hill, Channing Chips N Dip’ems Tatum, and Ice Cube will also star.

Another week chock full of people doing awful things. We need Tom Hardy to save us. He will save us, right? Mel Gibson’s poltergeist of a career won’t stop him will it? We’ll need Jodie Foster in a proton pack.