This week is chock full of uncomfortable touching, killer doll denial, dudes who grow up, skulls and bones forever, a Goodfella’s sofa change, and dueling hair follicles.
It’s a strip mall Karate party.
Recalling the Past: You know how we were all like “oohhh, ahhhh” about that airport scene in Total Recall with all that cool X-Ray technology? Oh, ho! Now we’re all like “No skinless radioactivity, please, and TSA stop touching my nethers with your magic molest wands!” That’s right. Here in the future we‘d like you to avert your eyes while you feel us up and check for bombs in our footwear. Never thought that would happen. Nope, no sir. Total Recall was the pinnacle of technological advancement, yup virtual reality, robotic masks, and chicks with multiple mammaries. How exactly could they top this? Well, apparently Colin Farrell and Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston will attempt to figure out a way in a remake of Governor Conan’s 1990 hit, Total Reboot, or Total Revisit, or Total Revomit. Whatever.
Murdering Money Dolls: Reports came out this week that the “Money Greed Money” studio or MGM as it’s known to its friends, has denied rumors that it will be remaking the Child’s Play franchise starring homicidal pervy doll Chucky. Spectacular. Want to know why this doesn’t matter? Because they’re the studio responsible for rebooting Robocop, Poltergeist, and Mr. Mom, which effectively makes MGM the worst movie studio in the world. Seriously. If you’re emphatically denying rumors that the “crap at the bottom of the 1980’s movie barrel” i.e. Child’s Play, is beneath you, but you believe the world is clamoring for another Mr. Mom, than your priorities are so out of whack that most anything could seem like fodder for a film. Do you know what’s missing from the ever present cycle of remakes? Movies about monkeys. There are just not enough movie remakes that star monkeys. This is a fact. I think somebody better get on rebooting Every Which Way but Loose, or Monkey Shines. There’s a whole genre out there left undiscovered.
Bieber and Kutcher Get Big: I’d like to know when it was that Ashton Kutcher could just go into any movie studio and say, “I’m making movies, brodude!” and like a fecal miracle there would indeed appear a movie? Is this a new thing or unbeknownst to the rest of the world he’s always had this ability? If so, that’s just too much power for a Calvin Klein model to have. It’s a very scary thought. Just imagine Kutcher eating Lucky Charms and all of a sudden, “I’d like to be in a movie now, please” and there he is waving a leprechaun’s Shillelagh Stick. Supernatural. So obviously like some sort of movie-kryptonite vampire, Kutcher has sired the same result for girl-haired Justin Bieber. They’re teaming up for What Would Kenny Do a movie about a teen who meets a hologram that claims to be him as an adult. We assume Kutcher is the adult. Sounds awesome. Will Smith’s production company is developing the project. Sounds awesomer. Have we discussed the weirdness that is Will Smith’s family’s connection to Justin Bieber?
We’ve Had Enough of Your Booty: Can Jerry Bruckheimer’s pirate ship ever be stopped? Not while he and Johnny Depp are alive! Brucks and Depps are planning more Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Just more and more until that’s all that’s left in the world, Pirates of the Caribbean movies and olives. A fifth one of these things is being planned before the fourth installment has even opened in theaters! What the hell are these things even called now? Pirates of the Caribbean: Get Me My Reading Glasses or Pirates of the Caribbean: Is it Yesterday? There’s already a screenplay! The movies are now all about Captain Sparrow’s Slurred Speech! They’ve just decided that all those other flimsy characters, you know swashbuckling Legolas and damsel distressing Knightly are just filler. It’s really all about an alcoholic, plundering pirate and the people who keep plunking down their doubloons to see him get chased by things on land or sea. Fantastic. Arrrrrrr.
Meet The Fiddy: Somewhere I imagine Joe Pesci is quite amused. Veteran actor and beloved scary guy, Robert De Niro is teaming up again with Veteran Vitamin Water sponsor and beloved gun shot victim Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson for Freelancers, a movie about the son of a murdered cop who enrolls in the police force. The movie will be produced by Fiddy’s production company, Cheetah Vision, and hopes to costar Forrest Whitaker who must also have nothing else to do on a Saturday. The movie starring two Oscar winners and Kanye West’s nemesis will be directed by Jess Terrero, director of Soul Plane. I really have no further jokes about this.
Hair-Off the Movie: The wigs of both John Travolta and Nicholas Cage will enter into yet another epic battle for the ages. There will be kung fu and spirit gum, jujitsu and viciously crafted widows peaks. Or they could just mash their bald heads together and sing songs from Grease. Anyway, the two hair wizards may be reuniting for two indie thrillers. Oh, yes — Travolta/Cage thrillers. Cue various frowning pauses, and looks of confusion and defiance that say everything and nothing, but mostly that they hope there are tacos for lunch. The ominously named, Shrapnel is about a former Bosnian soldier who seeks vengeance against the American who badly wounded him, and Sea Trial is based on the novel by Frank De Felitta. Hair-Off will be developed by me, because their follicular choices always play the lead in their movies anyway and should be turned into a reality show.
Casting News:
- Amy Adams, the fairytale singing bruiser chick from Bahs-ton, will be lifted off her feet as Lois Lane in the Superman Reboot
- Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit’s fresh face with the tart tongue, will be Sleeping Beauty in a reimagining of the classic tale
- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters sequel denier and all around weird guy, will play FDR in a film adaptation of a British radio play
- Armie Hammer, Facebook impresario and kitchen refrigerator deodorizer, joins The Brother’s Grimm: Snow White
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt, hot off his gravity defying antics in Inception The Boring, will be Alberto Falcone, nee’ the Holiday Killer in The Dark Knight Rises
- C. Thomas Howell, The Hitcher’s Mister, will be The Lizard, the main villain in the Amazing Spider-Man
- Taylor Swift, Jake Gyllenhaal’s former bearded concubine, will voice one of voices in The Lorax — assuredly to our utter annoyance
- Jodie Foster, who hasn’t made Contact in a while, will do so as director in another Sci-Fi project
- Julianne Moore and Jeff Bridges of Madison County, will get all warlocky and witchy in The Seventh Son
- And Kiefer Sutherland still thinks we care about 24, so he’s adamant a movie version will happen by 2012, even if he has to get all Jack Bauer on somebody. BOO-YA!
So much to look forward to, right? Well, so much to mock as much as possible. Really, what were these people thinking? Kutcher is the adult here, so we’ll be okay, he’s magic.
