justin bieber

6 posts

Hey Kids! Stop Cutting Yourselves Over Justin Bieber!

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We’re gonna talk about this little bit of insanity for a second, ok, kids? Ok. In the vein of the old mantra, “If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” the weirdo troll monsters, 4Chan /b/ (whatever), spent the better part of yesterday calling for Operation Cut For Bieber. This appeared to be some sort of bullshit movement hoping to get young people to self-mutilate as part of an asscrappingly horrendous demonstration in protest of Bieber’s alleged habit of smoking “the good Lord’s ganja” — and it has all the markers of being one of the more heinous things we’ve witnessed with regard to social media and peer pressure. Continue reading →

Justin Bieber to Star in ‘A Very Vanilla Sky’

Perhaps, when a five year old Justin Bieber was chillin’ in Canada’s version of Section Eight housing, oh, right around Christmas 2001, his mom scored tickets to see Tom Cruise Narcissism Vehicle Supreme, also known as Vanilla Sky.

Since the movie is awfully hard to understand, and its director, Cameron Crowe, never really gave the audience a definite answer as to what the film is (lucid dream? anesthetic hallucination?), perhaps young Justin gets obsessed with the movie. What then? How does the Biebs resolve this obsession?

Apparently the correct answer is, become famous and then wear a sparkly gold mask in public. But don’t, as the video below explains, cover up any distinctive tattoos, because then, how will people know you’re famous if they can’t identify you? Continue reading →

Look What I Have For You! The Best Tweets From Crazed, Vicious Justin Bieber Fans!

Where were you when you heard gestational zygote, Justin Bieber, may have tinkled his genetic material into the lady-haven of some random fan while shouting profanity and mashing hangy-bits in the Taj Mahal of bathrooms at the Staples Center in LA — thusly impregnating her with — I dunno Hubba Bubba gum and an embryo? Bieber fans called Bieliebers, like that movie about voodoo zombies and witchcraft, have taken to Twitter to unleash hell on Bieber’s Potential Baby Mama, Mariah Yeater.

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Bette Davis Has Bad News For You, Baby – And Gossip Links

You want me to bring bail? Again? And what else? Booze. Performing poodles. Celebrities. And particularly Paris Hilton. Ah. I see.

I. See.

Look, darling, I’ve been meaning to say this for some time. I’m cutting you loose, sweetheart. Paying your bail is just throwing good money after bad, and as for performing poodles, well, I saw your last armpiece. Why don’t you give her a call? It shouldn’t cost you more than $25 for a full hour, or her flier is lying.
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Bogie and Bacall Links

Hello darlings. What’s that? You’ve missed me? Oh: You haven’t missed me. And you want me to get with the putting out for you, starting here and now. Okay, sure. I love it when you get all macho on me. And just look at that bitch Bacall, sitting there seething with jealousy. Continue reading →