That’s it America. You need to be officially cut off. No, seriously. You no longer know how to spend money wisely. Haha! Not that you really ever did. Now, though, you’ve taken your ability to spend money on the most ridiculous of things and upped the ante by allowing Kim Kardashian, irredeemable money goblin, to rid you of hard earned dollars through her very own game app. Continue reading
My childhood is filled with fond memories of watching Dorothy Hamill do the “Hamill Camel;” in fact I had my hair cut just like her. Bart Conner awed me on his parallel bars. I was enthralled watching Bonnie Blair zipping across the ice. I loved watching Bruce Jenner and “Flo-Jo” running their hearts out. Who can forget the 1980 Miracle on Ice hockey team? The Olympics were a time that I, along with everyone else I knew, were transfixed in front of the television set trying to discover what happened and what was up next. Times are different now. I still look forward to the Olympic Games, but it isn’t quite the same. Continue reading
It’s time to get back into the gossip, Crasstalkers. Yes, of course you need to hear about the meaty, crazy, super important things celebrities say and do, because well, hearing about their lives is better than baseball! Well, everything is better than baseball. Now that we’ve come to an understanding about that, who’s been making a mess of themselves? What kind of debauched no-no’s have these A-list, B-list, and David Hasselhoffian-list celebrities, and those who just play them on television, gotten themselves into? Come, sit by Crasstalk, we have scoop, honey chile.
Is Khloe Kardashian a Secret Celebrity Lovechild?
Trying to keep track of all the Kardashian fodder is like trying to ride an avalanche to hell. Simply can’t be done. Regardless, it just keeps coming and coming like a garbage scow full of toxic waste. Continue reading
You know when you’re just minding your own business watching some perfectly good nonsense on television, or listening to much the same on the radio and then some gimmick-laden, shtick-y shtickster appears out of nowhere and involuntarily you’re overcome by a massive eyeroll, coupled with an active gag reflex, mixed with an inner scream – the kind that can only be caused by a thousand fire ants moving up your thigh?
Yeah, these are the people responsible for my current jackass allergy.
You want me to bring bail? Again? And what else? Booze. Performing poodles. Celebrities. And particularly Paris Hilton. Ah. I see.
I. See.
Look, darling, I’ve been meaning to say this for some time. I’m cutting you loose, sweetheart. Paying your bail is just throwing good money after bad, and as for performing poodles, well, I saw your last armpiece. Why don’t you give her a call? It shouldn’t cost you more than $25 for a full hour, or her flier is lying.
Continue reading
I’ve watched bad TV my whole life; normally, it was always along the lines of Jersey Shore, Real Housewives, and (very, very ashamedly) American Idol. But recently it’s gotten worse. Much worse. In the past year, I’ve watched (in no particular order):
Pretty Little Liars
I have no idea what got me and Roommate hooked on what we fondly refer to as PLL. I think we missed Gossip Girl actually being good? I don’t know. This show is certainly not good, to say the least. So why do I keep watching it? I think it has something to do with the (SPOILER ALERT! LOLJK I know nobody except me watches this crap) fake blind girl, terribly inappropriate ABC Family channel relationship between a 16-year-old student and her English teacher, “unsolvable” murder, and whatever other ridiculous, Agatha Christie-aneurism-for-high-schoolers plotline they come up with. It may be of note that this is the only scripted terrible TV show I watch. (Is it of note? I don’t know. There are so many things about this show that I can answer with “I don’t know.”)
Say Yes to the Dress
I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW. I’d love to say I have no idea why I love this show, but that would be a huge lie and this is not a post in which I lie to you, dear friends. This is a post in which I come clean over my addictions. I love this show because Hot. Damn. I love watching uppity bitches acting like the terrible people we all know they are. And Randy. And OMG SO MANY PRETTY DRESSES!!11!!!
World’s Strictest Parents
No joke, I’ve cried watching this. Cried. Go ahead; tear me apart in the comments over my feelings. But for real, this show takes either redneck shithead kids or spoiled untamed rich kids and sticks them with super Christian families who make the kids, like, you know, work and the bad kids FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And then they redeem themselves and learn about feelings. And then they go to college and they meet people at parties who are like, “Hey, didn’t I see you on World’s Strictest Parents?” Like teens through the reality TV cycle, so are the days of our lives.
(I couldn’t find any videos with embedding code from the US version of this show so you’ll just have to trust me. Or go here.)
Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami
When I saw the previews for this steaming pile of Armenian over-sharing, I thought there was no way on Kgod’s Kgreen Kearth it could be worth watching. But oh! How wrong I was! Much like the other programs listed, this show is worth watching because it’s really fun to judge people who willingly put their lives on television in order to feel better about yourself. (Isn’t that kind of the point of reality TV?) Let me tell you a-something about this family: Kourtney and Khloe used to like to get really shitfaced and hook up with random dudes and it was amazing. Unfortunately for all of us, the show was pretty much over once Kourtney popped out the spawn of Patrick Bateman, Khloe married some tall guy who loves lakes, and a terrible spin-off set in New York (it violates the acclaimed scientific theorem that only two Kardashians (neither of which being Kim) at a time are bearable) came to be on the air.
I have more terrible TV shows I love but I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough for one day. Make me feel less alone and tell me what awful TV you can’t get enough of in the comments.